Orc and Pie

[Cramulus]

The World's Shortest (Yet Technically Complete) Adventure
"The Orc and the Pie"
by Monte Cook


Adventure Background: An orc has a pie.

Adventure Synopsis: The PCs kill the orc and take his pie.

Adventure Hook: The PCs are hungry for pie.

Room 1: [The Orc's Pie Room] read the following text to the players:

You see an orc with a pie.

The room is 10 feet by 10 feet.

Creature: An orc.

Treasure: A pie.

Concluding the Adventure: Pie tastes good.

Further Adventures: Somewhere, there is a bakery making these good pies. Perhaps it's guarded by more orcs.





WHAT DO YOU DO???

[AFK]

Are we a PC?

[Cramulus]

Yes -- you see an orc. He has a pie. You want the pie. What do you do?

[Rumckle]

Check inventory

[Cramulus]

Check inventory

you have whatever you are currently carrying IRL

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

I throw my blackberry at him and I get a +1 from weapon proficiency (corporate crap).

[AFK]

I cast a Crossdressing Bugs Bunny in an attempt to woo the Orc away from the pie. 

[Cramulus]

I throw my blackberry at him and I get a +1 from weapon proficiency (corporate crap).

you hit him square between the eyes. He goes cross eyed and little birds fly in a circle above his head before he collapses to the ground, unconscious.

[Cramulus]

I cast a Crossdressing Bugs Bunny in an attempt to woo the Orc away from the pie. 

He falls for your bedroom eyes attack, gives you the pie as the opening move in an attempt to bed you.


                          ...but now you have a horny orc following you around

[AFK]

I cast a Crossdressing Bugs Bunny in an attempt to woo the Orc away from the pie. 

He falls for your bedroom eyes attack, gives you the pie as the opening move in an attempt to bed you.


                          ...but now you have a horny orc following you around

I casually mention that Saruman is having an all-you-can-eat Manflesh Company Picnic. 

[Rumckle]

Check inventory

you have whatever you are currently carrying IRL

huh,
I chug a bottle of beer in an attempt to win the orc's respect.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I show orc the internet in all of its attention sucking glory with laptop.

[Cramulus]

Check inventory

you have whatever you are currently carrying IRL

huh,
I chug a bottle of beer in an attempt to win the orc's respect.

The orc eats the pie in an attempt to win your respect

You LOSE sir, good DAY
                              \

I show orc the internet in all of its attention sucking glory with laptop.

he drops the pie and begins searching the internet for orc porn

rule 34 prevails in spades and YOU WIN THE PIE

I cast a Crossdressing Bugs Bunny in an attempt to woo the Orc away from the pie. 

He falls for your bedroom eyes attack, gives you the pie as the opening move in an attempt to bed you.


                          ...but now you have a horny orc following you around

I casually mention that Saruman is having an all-you-can-eat Manflesh Company Picnic. 

You and the orc have a lovely time at the picnic and plan a second date for next weekend

[President Television]

I should DM this with my friends some time. I won't tell them what it actually is, I'll just get them to spend a couple hours rolling characters and then I'll spring this on them.

EDIT: Oh, and I squirt my acne medication ointment in the orc's eyes, then beat it senseless with my electric guitar. VICTOLY!

[Jasper]

I key they orc's car, and hide in shadows.  While he's examining his car all mad and stuff, I run up and "credit card" him in an attempt to kill him with shame and embarrassment.