Rant, rant, rant

[Jenne]

*this is a whiny attempt at getting something out...sorry, just flushing my mechanism...

IF I WANT TO GO OUT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, then you should stfu and just accept it.

Your attempts at emotional blackmail are ineffectual.  Wanna know why?  Because as a mother, you fail.  You have continued to fail for almost my whole adult life.  And even your small triumphs and victories at eeking out just a smidgeon of the maternal are just so pathetic as to be not worth mentioning.

So he is supposed to call?  So what?  I'm over it.  You've kept the man from having any sort of intimacy with his 3 kids and 6 grandkids, whether you set out to do so or not.  That's the end result:  we know he calls for YOU, and you alone, even when you're not here to receive the call.  It's inevitably about you or for you he's calling.  Even if it's nominally about his mother, who was dying.

And he calls you EVERY FUCKING WEEK.  Twice.  Three times. He even writes you once a day, sometimes more. While his 6 grandkids don't know him except for a common shared history from when they were but babies, and the younger ones don't know him outside of the bars and chains anyway.  This may come as a shock, but we no longer look forward to his phone calls anymore.  It's a chopped up conversation full of "THIS CALL IS BEING MADE AT A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY AND IS BEING MONITORED" every 30 seconds or so.  REALLY confuses the flow of the conversation.

Put together with the fact that he's deaf, and he's really only calling so he can make sure we take better care of you, it's a tough thing to sell.

I want to go out.  I need to go out.  My husband's gone this week doing "God's work," and took my littlest with him.  It's just me and my kiddo, and he might be gone to a friend's house.  Leaving me alone on my birthday, the worst of all days of the year for me, was a bad call, but it is what it is, and I know he didn't mean to do it.  But it's the day before my dad was arrested, and celebrating my birthday is sort of a personal dare, since that is what we were all doing the night we last saw him as a free man.

I shouldn't have to explain these things.  I shouldn't be made to feel BAD because I want to go out instead of staying here, even if it means we'll skip the phone call, that you'd usurp, standing there wringing your hands and shifting your feet so you can talk talk to him at "your turn," which ends up being the whole 10 minutes he's on the phone.  Even though there are children who haven't talked to him in more than a year, and grandkids who haven't seen him since longer, you will step in and take over, as if you didn't just have a conjugal with him two weeks ago.  Or speak to him three days ago.

If you wanted things your way, you shouldn't have said, "But this is the last time I might be able to talk to him--I don't know when the next time will be!" Because in that light, I say, "Welcome to MY life, Mother!"  I have no guarantee, I have no set time, I have no set path for me and my father to tread upon.  Whereas you, the anti-mom, will always really and truly have a plan and a path.  Well-trod and well-placed for your eager feet.

I'm not going to go into the fact that I have had to take on your role the last 6 years, as mentor, as counselor, as a warm place to land when anyone, including yourself, needed it.  I'm not going to say that I have yet to find that for myself, though both of those things are so very equally true and figure into why I won't do this for you.  For though it's a smallish thing, it means a lot.  I feel this irrational displacement and anger when I contemplate NOT having my way here.  I start to lose my shit in a way a grown woman shouldn't.  I feel like I'm 10 years old when I say this, but IT'S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, AND IF I WANT TO GO OUT, I'LL GO OUT. On your birthday, you got to go to Disneyland.  On my birthday, I work so that I can help my brother make a down payment on another inadequate living space since his current landlord is kicking him out so they can take possession again.   Believe me when I say that if going out to dinner is beyond your ken, then no one needs you there.

Sorry, but that's that.

Try being more of a "mom" and less of a pain in the ass next time, and perhaps I'll see something akin to reason...  

[Doktor Howl]

Wow.  Kick them in the jimmy, Jenne!

[Jenne]

Thanks, I feel 10 years old, but goddammit, now my birthday is ruint.

Sigh.

[Eater of Clowns]

Happy Birthday, Jenne.   

[Jenne]

Thanks, EoC...it's on Wednesday, but I'll take it!  I know a lot of people my age don't celebrate getting old, but I've seen all to recently how short life is and can be...so thank you!  I'm glad to be getting old and decrepit (even if my mirror is my current enemy...).

[Doktor Howl]

Thanks, I feel 10 years old, but goddammit, now my birthday is ruint.

Sigh.

You really have to do something about this, birthday girl.

[Fujikoma]

Could start a fire, always cheers me up.

Seriously, though... Sorry to hear that, hope you get to feeling better.

[Freeky]

HABBY BIRFDAY JENNE DONT LET THEM FUCK IT UP OH NOOOOO!

[Abbess Jade]

Happy birthday! Whatever joy you find today, you well deserve it!

[Jenne]

Thanks, Guys...I hope this blows over.  I'm at MURDERDEATHKILLRAGE stage at this point, but a timely phone call from Dok Howl put things back into perspective. 

I'm better now. 

I'd STILL like to kill a motherfucker, but I can at least see through the red to my target now.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

Thanks, Guys...I hope this blows over.  I'm at MURDERDEATHKILLRAGE stage at this point, but a timely phone call from Dok Howl put things back into perspective. 

I'm better now. 

I'd STILL like to kill a motherfucker, but I can at least see through the red to my target now.

I think we all know you look great, not any of this "decrepit" business.

I hope you manage to squeeze a surprising amount of fun out of your birthday in spite of the bullshit.

[Jenne]

*smiles*  Thanks, Net!

[Nast]

Felicitations!

You totally deserve to relax and enjoy yourself. Pain-in-the-ass family members don't have the right to ruin your birthday!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Happy birthday, Jenne. <hugs>

[Fujikoma]

Glad you're feeling better. I'm feeling better since I got a couple beers in me, I'd like to say I did so in celebration of your birthday, but that would be a load of bullshit... Still, I don't really know any of you guys, but the little bit of reading I've done today, and the idea that this is a Discordian forum, makes me feel slightly closer to ya'll, and generates an almost instant monkeysphere promotion in my mind for everyone I meet here. Try not to be too hard on your mom... I know you're angry, and that I don't know the details, and you likely see her as a mega-bitch, but I hate my mom too... I also care about her a lot. It confuses me, but every now and then I empathize...

It hurts to kill bugs and spiders these days. God, I almost cried when I killed that abominable camel spider I saw yesterday. I could almost hear it screaming

"Why me?! What did I ever do to you?!"...

What's next, am I going to have to be a vegetarian...? Sorry, I like meat too much, but I freaking hate spiders, and now they're hurting me emotionally every time I kill them. I used to be the person people went to to kill freakish bugs and spiders... Now I'm just a husk of my former self. Compassion is eroding my apathy, and I am losing my grip on myself as I used to know him. Stupid conscience, stupid empathy, stupid pain. Urg.