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The Failwhale Apocalypse

Started by DiscoUkulele, August 07, 2010, 10:51:05 PM

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Part One: Touch The Sky

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang
but a tweet.

Kanye West - POWER

<< JackieNYC lol #kanyewest is such a tool. Have U seen Power? Delusional!!        1 hour ago
<< MistahDJ yall b hatin. Go @kanyewest!! voice of a generation       57 minutes ago
<< PartyDiscoPop @JackieNYC lololol #gayfish #kanyewest         56 minutes ago
<< BoopBopBeep Imma let ya'll finish, but I'm God incarnate. Word. (made flesh).#kanyewest           53 minutes ago

With two clinched fists, he slammed his laptop shut. The small, white Apple logo on top continued to glow ominously, a reminder of the hoards of Tweeters across the globe still firing messages back and forth. He could disconnect himself, but the chatter would still continue. Day and night. Talkin' shit as always. They just found a better medium.

He reached for the small glass of scotch on the tray table before him, took a sip, and allowed himself to melt into his cozy, leather first class seat. Once he was up in the sky beyond the reach of telephone wires and 4G signals, he'd be free. He could hide out in the clouds for a few hours while those worthless haters continued to fire electronic signals back and forth across the invisible Network below. Maybe by the time he landed, Britney would have flashed her vag again and pulled the spotlight off of him for a few news cycles.

"But you love the spotlight, don't you?"

He turned to his right. Some white bitch was sitting in the seat next to him. He'd deliberately bought tickets for both seats so he could sit alone. But the anger quickly faded. There was something about the woman beside him that felt strangely okay, and comfortable. Maybe it was her deep, teasing cleavage, or the way her sparkling, blond hair fell softly beside a devilish, playful grin.

Spellbound, he managed to mutter "...I-I'm K-"

"Kayne." She finished for him before she took a sip of her appletini and set it back in her lap. "Yes, I know. I'm a big fan."
You shouldn't let poets lie to you.
                                 - Bjork


Part Two: Graduation

"You can't stop reading the tweets, can you?"

His companion was beginning to get tipsy. It was obvious. Nevertheless, she ordered herself another appletini, pointed to Kanye with a wry grin splashed across her face, and told the flight attendant "Oh, he'll pay."

He slid his tongue across his diamond teeth, thinking of a proper response. Sure, this crazy bitch had plopped herself down beside him, without asking, and had ordered several drinks on his tab. But for some reason, he couldn't get mad at her. She had a nice energy around her. And she... listened.

"Down there, in all those shit cities below us, people gab about you nonstop. 'George Bush doesn't like black people', ruining young girls' moments in the spotlight... it's not like you don't give them ammunition, darling."

"Listen, bit-"

"I just love Twitter, don't you?" She waved him off with a flick of her wrist, and sipped down a large gulp of her new appletini. "It's so remarkable that people have finally uncovered the keys to the Tower of Babel." Suddenly, she seemed contemplative, running her finger delicately along the rim of her glass. She took another sip.

Was this bitch high?

"The Tower of Babel, darling," she started, noticing the dazed expression on his face. "You know the story, Man tried to build a tower to the Heavens, so that he could take his place alongside God. But God wasn't having any of that, so he locked up the tower and scattered people all across the globe."

"And he fucked up their language, too, right?"

She nodded, "Mmm-hmm." Then she flashed that teasing grin. "And why do you think that was, dear?"

Kanye thought for a moment. He opened his mouth to give the answer he'd heard in Sunday school as a kid, but stopped himself. Was she using this story to attack him? He couldn't help but be a bit defensive. Nah, he thought. He'd humor her with the answer, and if she turned it against him, he'd knock her back down to her place.

"Because Man was trying to be God."

She laughed. He felt oddly relieved.

"No, no, darling. That's not it at all. Well, I guess that's partly it. Sure, Man was trying to be God, but the whole problem was that Man wasn't ready yet. He needed to stay in the oven a few more centuries first. So God brought Man back to square one until He's ready again."

"Man wasn't ready yet?" he interrupted. His eyes flashed. "That seems a bit blasphemous."

She laughed again. "It's logical. Look." She set her drink down on her tray table before continuing.

"Unless you're some holy-rolling Bible-thumper, you've got to realize that the universe is constantly evolving, right? At one point, the entire universe existed in a tiny, tiny little particle. But that's probably not even the right description. Scientists say that it must have been infinitely smaller than a particle. And then, WHOOSH!" She threw her hands up in the air. Kanye's muscles clinched. God, hopefully no one's paying attention to this...

"In one single moment, the universe expanded from that single point. And then, for millions of years, the Earth was a desolate little rock floating in space. Until the next Big Bang."

"The next Big Bang?" He arched his brow, and raised his scotch to his lips. The glass pinged as it knocked against his diamond teeth.

"Yeah, the next big bang. All of a sudden, the conditions were right for life, and consciousness was born. Suddenly, the universe had produced something from within itself that was capable of being aware of the Universe. The Universe had given birth to a set of eyes to explore itself. Some philosophers like to think that the Universe and the Eyes must have developed simultaneously. After all, can a Universe exist without any Eyes to look at it?"

He stared at her blankly, confused. He looked down at his laptop. The apple still glowed faintly. "I guess... that makes sense. That's deep."

"That's not the half of it." She winked. "So, as life continued, it got more and more complex. Amoeba, bacteria, fish, whales, lizards, birds, monkeys, and finally..." She leaned forward to give this last bit a dramatic punch. "Man. With the evolution of Man, things reached the next level. Suddenly, the Universe had Eyes with which to experience Itself, and these Eyes evolved to the point where they realized that they were Eyes. The Eyes became Self-Aware, to some extent. But unfortunately, they weren't completely aware."

The flight attendant interrupted to bring them dinner. Steaks with mixed veggies and crispy Pinot Grigio. She waited for the flight attendant to move on before continuing, as if she were sharing an occult secret.

"The Eyes aren't completely aware. They realize that they're Eyes, but they're trapped inside their little Eye thoughts. They build themselves religions, and philosophies, and distract themselves with cell phones and television so that they never get around to realizing how deeply connected they are with the rest of the Universe. Hell, for all I know, the Eyes and their Awareness could BE the Universe."

Kanye's head was throbbing. He let out an exaggerated sigh to signal that he wanted to know where this was going.

"Okay, okay" she swirled her wine, sniffed, and drank. "I'll try to wrap this up for you. Man tried to build a Tower to the Heavens in order to become God. But Man wasn't ready. He couldn't pass the final test because He was still operating under his little delusional Eye thoughts that he was somehow separate from God and separate from the millions of other Eyes in existence. After all, if you're building a physical Tower, you can't help but be aware of the physical boundaries between your body and the other builders' bodies. And during your lunch break, you can't help but get into arguments about whether there's a God or not, and whether he's Jehovah, or Gaia, or Allah. So what Man needs to reach the Heavens, to get to that next stage in evolution, is to get past physical boundaries between individual points of consciousness. To engage in a dialogue on some incorporeal, psychic level."

She paused. "What would you call a collective, incorporeal Awareness that stretched all over the Earth?"

"A god?" he shrugged. Does this bitch ever stop talking?

"Exactly. You'd call it a god."

He chugged the rest of his wine, and gave her a curious glance. "What are you, some kind of Neo-Pagan?"

"No", she grinned. "I'm a Tweeter. And Twitter is the key to the Tower of Babel."
You shouldn't let poets lie to you.
                                 - Bjork


It's not trolling, it's just satire.


Part Three: Power

"So let me get this straight," Kanye paused to finish the last bite of his steak. "Everything in the Universe is an Eye experiencing the Universe, and the Eyes could also be the Universe itself?"


"And the Eyes are evolving through higher and higher levels of Awareness, and the next level of Awareness is on the other side of the Tower of Babel?"

"That's right."

"And... Twitter is the Key to the Tower of Babel?"

"Exactly," she patted her lips with a Wet Nap. "So what's the problem?"

"That doesn't make any sense. Evolution is relying on Twitter? A website that some neckbeard basement-dweller made up?"

"Well, not really." She reclined back in her chair and clasped her hands on her solar plexus. "There's lots of other keys. Kundalini yoga, meditation, prayer, LSD... there's lots of ways that individual people can enter the Tower. But it won't work unless most of Mankind goes in. Man has tried to do mass entrances through different religions, but those always seem to just cause conflict or lock people even deeper into their Eye thoughts. But with Twitter, you can easily link most of Man's individual sparks of consciousness into one mass network. Then, with a little conscious intention, you could send out a meme to nudge the whole network into the right direction. Just look at flashmobs. Send out a message to a bunch of people to do something silly, convince them it'll be fun, and they'll do it."

"So, what? You just make up a joke, get enough people to laugh and pass it on, and we'll evolve?"

She rolled her eyes. "No, no. You've got to convince people to wake up. Send out a message to make them realize they're just little dreaming Eyes. I think that should do the trick. Get most of the people on the Network to believe it, and you're good. Besides, by my calculations, it shouldn't take too much more time."

"What do you mean?"

"Have you ever heard of the 100th monkey? See, apparently, a bunch of moneys on this island got the idea to eat their food one certain way. As soon as the 100th monkey learned how to eat that way, there was a total shift in the collective monkey consciousness so that all of the monkeys started eating that way. When enough people become aware, strange shit happens. Maybe if just enough people woke up, the entire balance would shift and everyone would suddenly become self-aware. Then the Tower of Babel would open up."

"But what happens then?"

"I don't remember." She frowned.

"You don't remember? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well," she shifted in her seat, "The Universe is bubbling with infinite possibilities, wouldn't you agree? So who's to say we haven't been through this before? Maybe the Universe has expanded from that little particle, become aware of itself, and then collapsed back into the particle an infinite number of times already. I'd say, if we're dealing with infinite possibilities, then at some point, it's got to be true. We've been through all of this before, and any day now, we'll all reach the breaking point of self-awareness, and crumble back to the start again. Who knows, maybe you're the 100th Man. If you become self-aware, maybe that could be the tipping point."

"This is really tripping me out..." He signaled for the flight attendant and ordered another scotch. "...How would I become self-aware, if I wanted to?"

She smiled, reached below her seat, fumbled with her bag, and pull out a stack of papers. "Maybe Twitter's process of causing mass self-awareness has already started. Maybe you're the only person holding the process back. You've seen these, right? #kanyenewyorkertweets? Members of Twitter have been pasting your tweets onto cartoons from the New Yorker"

He laughed. "Oh yeah, shit's funny."

"Yes," she began, "Shit is funny. But you're not in on the joke. Not really."

Kanye arched a brow.

"You see, they're laughing at you. The entire Twitterverse is laughing at you"

His eyes flashed as he snapped his body around to face her. "Excuse me? What the fuck!?"

She giggled lightheartedly. "The joke's on you. And once you realize that the joke is on you, that's it."

His eyes were wild, "What the fuck, who are you with? TMZ?"

She laughed again. "The entire universe is laughing at you. The entire universe is laughing at itself. Once you realize that the joke's on you, you can finally be aware of the joke and laugh with us. Maybe Twitter consciously produced this meme just for you, just to cause you to become self-aware and tip the scale towards enlightenment."

Kanye fell silent and seeped in his rage until he finally responded, "Okay, so, I've listened to your entire rambling sermon. And you're telling me that the minute I realize that the world is laughing at me, or that the entire universe is laughing at itself, including me, I'll attain self-awareness, and possibly cause the world to collapse on itself?"

"That about sums it up, Darling."

"I've got to piss."

He stood up, crawled over her, and made his way down the aisle to the bathroom. He locked the door behind him, and splashed some water on his face.

What if that bitch was right? What if the entire Universe existed only because of he was aware of it? What if it existed only in his own mind? What if his whole life was a complete joke and he was the only person who didn't realize it?

Then, without warning, he snickered.

"The joke's on me."

He looked up into the mirror. His reflection revealed a glittering, toothy smile.

"The joke's on me."

His snickering grew louder, and more intense. He let loose and broke down into a fit of maniacal laughter. "The joke's..." he could barely breathe, "on me."

Kanye lost his shit.

And the Universe lost its shit. Right there, in the bathroom, at 14,000 feet.

You shouldn't let poets lie to you.
                                 - Bjork



Oh my god.  This is incredible!



Hoser McRhizzy


DiscoUke, this is awesome!

(Reading this, I could see it working really well in comic book panels.)
It feels unreal because it's trickling up.


You shouldn't let poets lie to you.
                                 - Bjork

Triple Zero

Great shit, DiscoUkelele!! I already enjoyed the first two parts a lot, but the third one wraps it up real nice! Love it, great story.
Ex-Soviet Bloc Sexual Attack Swede of Tomorrow™
e-prime disclaimer: let it seem fairly unclear I understand the apparent subjectivity of the above statements. maybe.


Placid Dingo

Haven't paid rent since 2014 with ONE WEIRD TRICK.