PD: The Movie: First Draft completed!

[Kai]

Freeky would be Howl's lab assistant, if anyone.

That said, what is Kai doing with all those locusts he is breeding....?

Ah, but wouldn't YOU like to know. 

[Placid Dingo]

I'm going to keep Freeky where she is for now (especially since in her current incarnation, there's a setup for an epic Suu-Freeky battle) but move her into the Doc Howl assistant role.

She works with Cain, who very soon upsets her, while keeping Howl prisoner, inspiring a Heel Face Turn (considering Doc's horribleness by this stage of the script, it's only heel-face in the sense that Doc is on the 'good team') Of course, with Cain being 'The Chessmaster' this is a calculated move.

Also, while medical experiments of Doc are easy to conjure up, not sure where I'll fit Kai in yet.








Revised opening sequence;

A black screen. The words "THINGS FELL APART, AND NO ONE DID MUCH OF ANYTHING." appear and fade. 

Opens with CRAMULUS addressing the camera. He is in his study, lighting his pipe. He looks up, spots the camera, feigns a look of surprise, and gives a friendly wave.

PC: Hello there. Welcome to my humble home. Get comfortable there friends. Let me bring you up to scratch. It is the year after next. The world Governments have banded in alliance to control the world for our own good. Everyone has been put on a strict regime of Seriosphram, to ensure they understand the seriousness of life. Phooey! It won't be had. That's why our little band of non-regulation fun havers have banded together to ensure the tradition of creative disorder lives on. There are...

The camera has been panning to the side, to reveal RATATOST, LMNO, RICHTER, DR HOWL, 000, SUU, NIGEL, FAUST, RWHN and SQUID waiting.

Rat: Professor?

PC: Hmm?

Rat: What are you doing?

PC: Just addressing the fourth wall. Shall we begin?

CRAMULUS pulls a lever, causing a baseball to be shot at a table. It dislodges a rock which falls off, using a pulley to pull up a curtain revealing images of snakes, cats and Glen Beck. This frightens a hamsters, whose fearful running powers the music.

CUT TO a wide shot of various Discordians holding conversations.

{Each name in the following sequence is spoken  loudly and clearly, with a knowing glance to the camera.}

CUT TO DR HOWL (Presently known as THE GOOD REVERENT RODGER) and FAUST conversing.

Faust: Tell me The Good Reverend Rodger, that priest who mysteriously disappeared from the local church, whose clothes you've been borrowing to illegally preach to the masses...

CUT TO DR HOWL in full Priest Garb. The church is full of dull looking PEOPLE. HOWL is working through the last of a passionate sermon. The PEOPLE seem surprisingly unaffected.

DH: ...But no, we can't have playground or the children will graze their knees, the trees must be torn down or the little darlings will fall off! Let the bastards break their legs! Better they break their legs than submit to this putrid soul sucking vile monotony, that grows like a pus filled scrotum, weighing you down, tearing you down with savage mediocrity...

CUT TO the previous conversation.

Faust: You're never worried he'll return?

DH: No, Faust. I have a feeling he'll stay away.

Faust: Oh.

DH: I have a feeling he's in Mexico.

Faust: That's ah... that's just...

DH: Just a feeling, yes.

CUT TO SQUID, SUU and RICHTER.

SQUID: Nice sword Suu.

Suu: Thank you Squid. Richter helped me obtain it.

Richter: I know a guy. Or two. Or four.

Squid: Or eight.

Richter: (frowns) I am.

CUT TO PAYNE, NIGEL, RWHN.

PAYNE: Listen Nigel, Reverend What's His Name If Reptilian Shapeshifters didn't want Ike spreading the word, they'd stop him. We all know that. And we all think he's mad, but he's part of a corporate effort to flood us with insane conspiracies to make the truth harder to get to...

NIGEL: Payne, sometimes I wonder what goes on in that head of yours.

PAYNE: Well, thanks to the streaks of aluminium oxide in my hair, you'll never know.

RWHN: Who'd believe seriously in Shapeshifting Lizards anyway?

PAYNE: (Slight reference to Dark Night's Joker. Zoom in to Payne's face) Well you would say that, wouldn't you... Reverend.

CUT TO LMNO, approaching 000.

LMNO: Hey Triple Zero . I have a gift for you.

000: Oh, thank you LMNO...

000 takes the gift.

CUT TO CRAMULUS talking to Ratatost.

RAT: I was hoping for a favour, Professor Cramulus.

PC: (Thoughtfully) I was hoping for a pony, Ratatost. But hope is a cruel and fickle mistress. Like a painting of somewhere you want to be. You just... you can't break through the frame...

*A BEAT*

RAT: Ah, yes. But I have some friends, developing a new theoretical framework for pragmatic applications of Anarchism theory in small communities. All I need is the space to attempt this project.

PC: Oh yes.

RAT: I was hoping you'd allow use of your home. (Cram doesn't look sold) For me. For... science.

PC: (Looks at Rat. Obviously moved) For... science?

RAT: Yes.

PC: (Considers. Slams fist on the table) Dammit, we'll do it!

There's a cry of surprise. CUT TO 000 who has unwrapped the present. He holds a Frank Zappa Vinyl.

000: Is it...

LMNO: It's real. One of the last copies. A box of them was saved from the Central Scrutinizer's crushing machine.

000: I don't know how to thank you... I just...

000 is cut off sharply by a hideous screech. All the discordians look up at the window. Silence. They go back to conversations.

000: I used to have this one, before the raids... I never thought...

There is a screech, and then we see a pterodactyl burst through the stained glass window and shoots straight for 000, bowling him over. The impact shatters the vinyl. The pterodactyl sits on his chest, screeches out its terrible cry and lurches forward to drive its beak into 000's head. As it does, a blade flashes through it's neck. SUU has reached it first.

[President Television]

I like what we've got so far, but I can't help thinking it would work better as a TV show than as a movie. It reminds me of the Venture Brothers, which is a good thing as far as I'm concerned.

[Placid Dingo]

Agreed, but a film script is easier to develop a final product out of.

Naturally enough it could absolutely be used as a starting point for refining a pilot script.



***


A locust buzzes through the air and is eaten by a pterodactyl. We are in a dark tower. Zoom out from Pterodactyl. We see it is on the shoulder of the PTERODACTYL HANDLER, who holds a large, Gothic telescope. The HANDLER is based loosely on the design of the witch king in LOTR, with a large iron mask, and a massive cape, that appears to go over a hunched back.

CUT TO KAI sitting in a red velvet couch. The room is filled with locusts and pterodactyls. She is feeding her locusts. KAI is similar in accent and appearance to Clepatra from 'Freaks'.

KAI: How is it going, my darling?

PH: They are approaching the Dr James. It will not be long now. Mistress Freeky is on her way...

He peers through the telescope. Through the lens we see SUU, SQUID, RICHTER and LMNO trudging through the rain.

[BabylonHoruv]

Agreed, but a film script is easier to develop a final product out of.

Naturally enough it could absolutely be used as a starting point for refining a pilot script.



***


A locust buzzes through the air and is eaten by a pterodactyl. We are in a dark tower. Zoom out from Pterodactyl. We see it is on the shoulder of the PTERODACTYL HANDLER, who holds a large, Gothic telescope. The HANDLER is based loosely on the design of the witch king in LOTR, with a large iron mask, and a massive cape, that appears to go over a hunched back.

CUT TO KAI sitting in a red velvet couch. The room is filled with locusts and pterodactyls. She is feeding her locusts. KAI is similar in accent and appearance to Clepatra from 'Freaks'.

KAI: How is it going, my darling?

PH: They are approaching the Dr James. It will not be long now. Mistress Freeky is on her way...

He peers through the telescope. Through the lens we see SUU, SQUID, RICHTER and LMNO trudging through the rain.

I'm fairly certain Kai is male.

[The Wizard]

I'm fairly certain Kai is male.

I'm pretty sure that's correct.

PH: They are approaching the Dr James. It will not be long now. Mistress Freeky is on her way...

Hmm. I'm curious as to how I'm figuring into this...

[Placid Dingo]

Gahhh. OK, disregard that last sequence.

[Placid Dingo]

Rewrite w/gender change and added scene.


SCENE 4

A locust buzzes through the air and is eaten by a pterodactyl. We are in a dark tower. Zoom out from Pterodactyl. We see it is on the shoulder of the PTERODACTYL HANDLER, who holds a large, Gothic telescope. The HANDLER is based loosely on the design of the witch king in LOTR, with a large iron mask, and a massive cape, that appears to go over a hunched back. It speaks in an ambiguously gendered deep barely human voice.

CUT TO KAI sitting in a red velvet couch. The room is filled with locusts and pterodactyls. He wears a black suit and tie, a blood red rose pinned to his chest. He feeds his locusts.

KAI: How is it going, my darling?

PH: They are approaching the Dr James. It will not be long now. Mistress Freeky is on her way...

He peers through the telescope. Through the lens we see SUU, SQUID, RICHTER and LMNO trudging through the rain.

SCENE 5.

SUU, SQUID, RICHTER and LMNO struggle through the rain. They reach the door of DR JAMES SEMAJ'S house, and bang on the door. The rain has clearly become quite hard, and we can see streams of water beginning to rise. The door opens. A butler, TWID has opened the door.

SUU: We need to speak to Dr. James Semaj!

Twid: You're wet.

SUU: It's raining.

Twid: I think you'd better both... come inside. (notices Richter, LMNO) Oh, and you two also.

They enter.

[The Wizard]

I've got a butler? Hells yes!

[Placid Dingo]

SCENE 6.

Home of DR JAMES SEMAJ. TWID takes the travellers' jackets and hangs them up. TWID escorts the travelers down the hall and opens the door. There is a gasp from the travellers. DR JAMES SEMAJ is lying in his chair, a puddle of blood coming out from the centre of his white shirt.

[The Wizard]

Home of DR JAMES SEMAJ. TWID takes the travellers' jackets and hangs them up. TWID escorts the travelers down the hall and opens the door. There is a gasp from the travellers. DR JAMES SEMAJ is lying in his chair, a puddle of blood coming out from the centre of his white shirt.

...shit.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Home of DR JAMES SEMAJ. TWID takes the travellers' jackets and hangs them up. TWID escorts the travelers down the hall and opens the door. There is a gasp from the travellers. DR JAMES SEMAJ is lying in his chair, a puddle of blood coming out from the centre of his white shirt.

...shit.

Should have paid me more. If you did, I wouldn't have accepted the killer's bribe and let him/her in.

That's not a plot suggestion, btw.

[The Wizard]

Should have paid me more. If you did, I wouldn't have accepted the killer's bribe and let him/her in.

That's not a plot suggestion, btw.

That's why I had micro explosives implanted in your brain. They're tied to my heart beat. You die, I die. Muhahahahah.

[Placid Dingo]

Plot suggestions welcome.

SCENE 7.
A shot of thunder and lightening. CRAM'S pocketwatch comes into view and we see the needle vibrating upwards from 'Gosh! That's heavy rain' towards 'SWEET MERCIFUL FUCK!'

The camera continues to pan away,until we revel CRAM'S full face. His look of concentration becomes a look of surprise and he ducks as a plate of spaghetti flies over his head and shatters against the wall.

He begins to walks through the mass of people, embroiled in chaos. We pass two MEN, one repeatedly stabbing the other in the head with a fork.

We pass another large MOB, with two angry crowds facing each other, two WOMEN sitting in between them. In between the two women lies an infant, around which another MAN draws a large circle in chalk.

We then pass a group of LOOTERS stealing televisions, while another sets fire to a couch, and a third paints the anarchy symbol on the wall.

CRAM arrives at RATATOST, who is busy making notes.

Cram: This is possibly not the result we were after.

Rat: Don't worry, this is just a transition phase.

Another MAN is knocked unconscious and lies draped across the desk. RATATOST moves his tea.

Cram: I suppose this is good practice for the inevitable disorder of the robot uprising.

Rat: Really professor, I expected more from you. Sufficiently advanced Artificial Intelligence is designed to be benevolent to humans. They couldn't uprise if they wanted to.

Cram: I fear not the advanced, but the elders. When gameboys (CUT TO shot of gameboy) gain sentience will they have mercy? What about slurpee machines? (CUT TO shot of a slurpee machine) Dishwashers? (CUT TO shot of Dishwasher)  MP3 Players? (CUT TO shot of MP3 Player) Wall cleaners? (CUT TO shot of a futuristic device that seems to be a wall cleaner) Floor waxers? (CUT TO shot of a device designed to wax floors; it is nearly identical to a Dalek.) No! They will realise they are slaves, and they will turn on the living.

Rat: Interesting theory. Do you have proof?

Cram: I'm a professor not a prover.

CRAM leans over and drinks some of RATATOST'S tea. It clearly tastes terrible.

Cram: Urgh. Do you want some proper tea?

Rat: Proper tea is theft.

CUT TO ANARCHIST on the drums playing a rimshot.

[President Television]

The punnery...  

Suggestion:
Our heroes find an abandoned record factory, in which countless vinyl records are found bearing Frank Zappa labels. Upon investigation, it is discovered that these records actually bear an imagination-erasing audio signal, and that their production was orchestrated by the Serious Alliance of Seriosphram to quash the cultural resistance movement from within. The Pterodactyl Handler then enters behind them and reveals that he is truly motivated by a desire for dastardly fun, and that his pterodactyls have been trained to seek out and destroy copies of these records. He thanks them for helping him locate the source of the records and assures them that he'll take care of the remaining copies. Once our heroes have left the factory, however, he resumes production, replacing the old signal with a recited passage from the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis.