MY SERVICES

[Adios]

Can I sign up to have chloroplasts in my cells so that I can go extended periods of time without food if need be? Also for research involving preventing the shortening of telomeres, so as to make myself biologically immortal?

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Trust me. 

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Can I sign up to have chloroplasts in my cells so that I can go extended periods of time without food if need be? Also for research involving preventing the shortening of telomeres, so as to make myself biologically immortal?

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Trust me. 

I'll stick with the chloroplasts then, I guess, and come up with something else to volunteer for.

[PANGO!]

As an omnicidal maniac, I approve this message. I will sign up for any Death Squads, Legions of Doom, Genocide Patrols, Eugenics experiments (as researcher or patient), or any other program that intends to bring about the end of humanity as we know it. Hell with it, I'll take them all.

OH, THAT IT WERE SO SIMPLE!

DOKTOR PANGO IS SO INSANE, HE IS WILLING TO BET ANYONE'S LIFE AGAINST YOUR ALLEGED WILLINGNESS TO PARTICIPATE. Sure -- the deaths of a thousand cities in my search for the MOST HOSPITABLE PLACE ON EARTH TO DIE sounds appealing now, but what if your puppy lives in one of those cities? What if your mother is quietly baking cookies one morning, or just putting the finishing touches on your 36th Basement Birthday cake, only to be suddenly interrupted by the GLARING RAYS and SEARING HEAT of the Doomsday device?

OH, THE HUMANITY! YES!!

YOUR GRUNGY, PIG-LIKE SPECIES IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL. YOU CAME SWINGING OUT OF THE TREES LIKE CHAMPS AND LANDED RIGHT ON THE RAILROAD OF EVOLUTION. Got it made, right? WRONG! You forgot to evolve yourselves a fucking locomotive. Keep on pedalling those little legs, Humans! Surely, you'll be able to outrun the speeding freight train barrelling down those tracks, pulling FIVE HUNDRED METRIC FUCKTONS OF WHOOPS directly toward you. JUST KEEP PEDALLING! WATCH OUT FOR THE TIES! OH GOD YOU'RE TRIPPING WHAT NOW? GET UP! RUN FASTER!

But I digress.

When the HAMMER OF SCIENCE comes smashing through YOUR Petri dish, WILL YOU SURVIVE? THE ONLY WAY TO KNOW FOR SURE IS TO KILL YOURSELF NOW. Because the rest of us are merely along for the ride on this roller coaster. NO ONE IS DRIVING IT, and the control booth is FULL OF CLOWNS. All we can tell with 100% certainty is that this freight train is flying off the track, and it's aimed right at the PIG PARADE YOU CALL CIVILIZATION.

[Eater of Clowns]

DOKTOR PANGO IS SO INSANE, HE IS WILLING TO BET ANYONE'S LIFE AGAINST YOUR ALLEGED WILLINGNESS TO PARTICIPATE. Sure -- the deaths of a thousand cities in my search for the MOST HOSPITABLE PLACE ON EARTH TO DIE sounds appealing now, but what if your puppy lives in one of those cities? What if your mother is quietly baking cookies one morning, or just putting the finishing touches on your 36th Basement Birthday cake, only to be suddenly interrupted by the GLARING RAYS and SEARING HEAT of the Doomsday device?

Hey, mass murder and heat rays are fine and dandy, but do not fuck up a perfectly good cake.

[Phox]

As an omnicidal maniac, I approve this message. I will sign up for any Death Squads, Legions of Doom, Genocide Patrols, Eugenics experiments (as researcher or patient), or any other program that intends to bring about the end of humanity as we know it. Hell with it, I'll take them all.

OH, THAT IT WERE SO SIMPLE!

DOKTOR PANGO IS SO INSANE, HE IS WILLING TO BET ANYONE'S LIFE AGAINST YOUR ALLEGED WILLINGNESS TO PARTICIPATE. Sure -- the deaths of a thousand cities in my search for the MOST HOSPITABLE PLACE ON EARTH TO DIE sounds appealing now, but what if your puppy lives in one of those cities? What if your mother is quietly baking cookies one morning, or just putting the finishing touches on your 36th Basement Birthday cake, only to be suddenly interrupted by the GLARING RAYS and SEARING HEAT of the Doomsday device?

OH, THE HUMANITY! YES!!

YOUR GRUNGY, PIG-LIKE SPECIES IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL. YOU CAME SWINGING OUT OF THE TREES LIKE CHAMPS AND LANDED RIGHT ON THE RAILROAD OF EVOLUTION. Got it made, right? WRONG! You forgot to evolve yourselves a fucking locomotive. Keep on pedalling those little legs, Humans! Surely, you'll be able to outrun the speeding freight train barrelling down those tracks, pulling FIVE HUNDRED METRIC FUCKTONS OF WHOOPS directly toward you. JUST KEEP PEDALLING! WATCH OUT FOR THE TIES! OH GOD YOU'RE TRIPPING WHAT NOW? GET UP! RUN FASTER!

But I digress.

When the HAMMER OF SCIENCE comes smashing through YOUR Petri dish, WILL YOU SURVIVE? THE ONLY WAY TO KNOW FOR SURE IS TO KILL YOURSELF NOW. Because the rest of us are merely along for the ride on this roller coaster. NO ONE IS DRIVING IT, and the control booth is FULL OF CLOWNS. All we can tell with 100% certainty is that this freight train is flying off the track, and it's aimed right at the PIG PARADE YOU CALL CIVILIZATION.

Oh FUCK YES. I'm sold. Let's get this train moving.

[Doktor Howl]

As an omnicidal maniac, I approve this message. I will sign up for any Death Squads, Legions of Doom, Genocide Patrols, Eugenics experiments (as researcher or patient), or any other program that intends to bring about the end of humanity as we know it. Hell with it, I'll take them all.

OH, THAT IT WERE SO SIMPLE!

DOKTOR PANGO IS SO INSANE, HE IS WILLING TO BET ANYONE'S LIFE AGAINST YOUR ALLEGED WILLINGNESS TO PARTICIPATE. Sure -- the deaths of a thousand cities in my search for the MOST HOSPITABLE PLACE ON EARTH TO DIE sounds appealing now, but what if your puppy lives in one of those cities? What if your mother is quietly baking cookies one morning, or just putting the finishing touches on your 36th Basement Birthday cake, only to be suddenly interrupted by the GLARING RAYS and SEARING HEAT of the Doomsday device?

OH, THE HUMANITY! YES!!

YOUR GRUNGY, PIG-LIKE SPECIES IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL. YOU CAME SWINGING OUT OF THE TREES LIKE CHAMPS AND LANDED RIGHT ON THE RAILROAD OF EVOLUTION. Got it made, right? WRONG! You forgot to evolve yourselves a fucking locomotive. Keep on pedalling those little legs, Humans! Surely, you'll be able to outrun the speeding freight train barrelling down those tracks, pulling FIVE HUNDRED METRIC FUCKTONS OF WHOOPS directly toward you. JUST KEEP PEDALLING! WATCH OUT FOR THE TIES! OH GOD YOU'RE TRIPPING WHAT NOW? GET UP! RUN FASTER!

But I digress.

When the HAMMER OF SCIENCE comes smashing through YOUR Petri dish, WILL YOU SURVIVE? THE ONLY WAY TO KNOW FOR SURE IS TO KILL YOURSELF NOW. Because the rest of us are merely along for the ride on this roller coaster. NO ONE IS DRIVING IT, and the control booth is FULL OF CLOWNS. All we can tell with 100% certainty is that this freight train is flying off the track, and it's aimed right at the PIG PARADE YOU CALL CIVILIZATION.

This is fucking EPIC.

[Doktor Howl]

Doktor Pango, unless you tell me differently, this is all going in the Audio Book of the Dead.

[The Wizard]

I'm kind of in awe of this. Doktor Pango, your madness is most impressive.

[PANGO!]

I'm kind of in awe of this. Doktor Pango, your madness is most impressive.

AW SHUCKS, DOK! IMPRESSING YOU WITH MADNESS IS LIKE IMPRESSING GHANDI WITH PAMPERS! But allow me to be clear: my madness is as impressive as it is UNCONTROLLABLE.

BTW, NICE LIPSTICK.

[Phox]

So, question to all you Doktors. How does one go about becoming a Doktor? Do you go to some sort of Medikal Skhool? Or is there a home study program available? Or, fuck it, can I just make myself a Doktor? I already deified myself, so I suppose no one is going to stop me.

[Cainad (dec.)]

Dkr. Pango Gillespi, I have an unusual red lumpy patch on my right hand (for medical purposes, you should know that it's NOT my fapping hand), and it doesn't seem to respond to usual treatments. What do you recommend, other than euthanasia (or dysthanasia, for that matter)?

[PANGO!]

Dkr. Pango Gillespi, I have an unusual red lumpy patch on my right hand (for medical purposes, you should know that it's NOT my fapping hand), and it doesn't seem to respond to usual treatments. What do you recommend, other than euthanasia (or dysthanasia, for that matter)?

HAHAHA YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS "ASK DR. PANGO HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR DOUBLEFISTED WANK" HOUR? IF I WAS A MEDICAL DOCTOR, I WOULD PRESCRIBE DAILY 500mg ARSENIC INJECTIONS UNTIL YOUR SYMPTOMS IMPROVE. But I am not a medical doctor, I am a DOKTOR OF SCIENCE.

AS SUCH, I RECOMMEND YOU TAKE THE AFFECTED HAND AND APPLY IT LIBERALLY TO YOUR RECTUM. With luck, you will be able to insert it far enough up your IGNORANT ASS that you will be able to reach your HEAD, and gain enough leverage to DISLODGE YOUR UNDERSIZED CRANIUM FROM YOUR BOWEL.

MAYBE THEN WHEN YOU TALK, IT WON'T SOUND LIKE THERE'S A THICK WALL OF IMPACTED SHIT between you and me, and we can have a REAL CONVERSATION.

--DOKTOR PANGO,
Proctology and Psychology, Inc.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

So, question to all you Doktors. How does one go about becoming a Doktor? Do you go to some sort of Medikal Skhool? Or is there a home study program available? Or, fuck it, can I just make myself a Doktor? I already deified myself, so I suppose no one is going to stop me.

Start off reading the Horrorology board.

[PANGO!]

So, question to all you Doktors. How does one go about becoming a Doktor? Do you go to some sort of Medikal Skhool? Or is there a home study program available? Or, fuck it, can I just make myself a Doktor? I already deified myself, so I suppose no one is going to stop me.

DOKTORHOOD IS NOT THE PRODUCT OF EDUCATION.  It is simply what happens when the bullshit of modern sociey has reached such an INESCAPABLE STENCH that there is no option but to give in to disgust and hate. IF YOU WANT TO BE A DOKTOR, LISTEN TO RUSH LIMBAUGH until you CATCH YOURSELF AGREEING WITH HIM.

[Phox]

So, question to all you Doktors. How does one go about becoming a Doktor? Do you go to some sort of Medikal Skhool? Or is there a home study program available? Or, fuck it, can I just make myself a Doktor? I already deified myself, so I suppose no one is going to stop me.

Start off reading the Horrorology board.

So, question to all you Doktors. How does one go about becoming a Doktor? Do you go to some sort of Medikal Skhool? Or is there a home study program available? Or, fuck it, can I just make myself a Doktor? I already deified myself, so I suppose no one is going to stop me.

DOKTORHOOD IS NOT THE PRODUCT OF EDUCATION.  It is simply what happens when the bullshit of modern sociey has reached such an INESCAPABLE STENCH that there is no option but to give in to disgust and hate. IF YOU WANT TO BE A DOKTOR, LISTEN TO RUSH LIMBAUGH until you CATCH YOURSELF AGREEING WITH HIM.

So, in both cases, mentally torture yourself until your mind snaps?