MY SERVICES

[PANGO!]

THE NEED FOR EXPERIMENTATION IN ORDER TO RID HUMANITY OF FILTHY GENES LIKE YOURS OUGHT TO BE LONG GONE BY NOW. This is the Twenty-First Century! It is the FUTURE! We ought to be on to far better things now: shining Utopian metropolises, filled to the brim with the singular beige hue of Post-Diversity Humanity; we should be tooling around the globe in hovercars and lewdly exposing the silhouettes of our highly-evolved genitalia through the sheer silver fabric of unisex leotards; we should all be singing the praises of SCIENCE and PROGRESS by now, rather than still debating the merits of the Horrible Truth and whether or not most Humans are even worthy of HEARING about it.

LET ME ASSURE YOU; MOST HUMANS ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT WORTHY. Now, allow me to save you the trouble of wondering who is and who is not up to the task of contemplating the Horrible Truth. It is simple: I AM; YOU ARE NOT*.

THE FUTURE HAS BEEN STOLEN. THAT IS ALL YOU MUST KNOW. And it is all YOUR FAULT. That is why I, DOKTOR PANGO GILLESPI, ASTROFIZZICYST TO THE STARS, HAVE BEEN SENT HERE. To RID THE PERFECT WORLD of the IMPERFECT PEOPLE who INFECT IT with their INSUFFERABLE WONDERING, THEIR VACANT IMAGINATION, AND THEIR FUTILE ATTEMPTS TO BUILD A UTOPIA on the CRACKED FOUNDATION OF A DYING WORLD. Tomorrow will never be better, unless it arrives: And tomorrow will never arrive, until today is over.

HAVE YOU WITNESSED the majesty of a person's eyes rolling back and forth in a dismembered skull? So full of wonder; so surprised by the apparently impossible; and yet somehow sad, as if becoming so abruptly acquainted with the beauty of mortality is an insult. My goal is to capture that sense of wonder, without that troublesome sadness. Perhaps the knives I have been using in my experiments are too dull, or improperly serrated. Or perhaps the scorpion stings used in the Patient Preparation Stage are not painful enough to detract from the shock of being decapitated. Obviously the only way forward is MORE EXPERIMENTS.

...VOLUNTEERS?

[Cramulus]

SIGN ME UP, PANGO. I am willing to bust some kneecaps FOR SCIENCE.

[Doktor Howl]

I'm down.   

[Doktor Howl]

THE NEED FOR EXPERIMENTATION IN ORDER TO RID HUMANITY OF FILTHY GENES LIKE YOURS OUGHT TO BE LONG GONE BY NOW.

This is the best thing said on PD this year.

[PANGO!]

THE RIGOURS OF EXPERIMENTATION PERPETUATE THE QUALITY OF SCIENCE. In layman's terms, that means that SCIENCE IS NOT THE GIRL SCOUTS; ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY SIGN UP. Proper SCIENCE is the fruit of YEARS AND YEARS OF STUDY; countless victims subjects; and an IRON GUT, willing and able to withstand the SUSTAINED ASSAULT ON ONE'S INTELLECT AND CHARACTER that is promised by any foray into a field of Science.

OURS IS A WORLD OF NUMSKULLS, DIMWITS, and PROTOGERIATRICS, and the masses sway like punching bags to the rhythm of the Electro-Culture Beats of the Perpetually Hypnotised. THE PROBLEMS OF TODAY WILL BE SOLVED BY THE SCIENCE OF TOMORROW. And we're starting with YOU.

Bring us your skulls, bulging with useless information.
We will relieve the pressure with hoses and saws; and your mind will be as free as a post-omelette egg.

Bring us your hands, trembling and calloused from cyber-sex with women who do not exist.
And we will sever them, and leave you with two bloody stumps, and we'll see how easy it is to be a wanker then!

Bring us your ears, pierced like Caesar on the swords of shitty music from which there is no escape.
We will fill them with the kind of thing you've never even dreamed of: wonderful, terrible, awful, beautiful horrorscapes brimming with terror and nausea; because a sick mind is a quiet mind; and a quiet mind is a blessing.

FOR SCIENCE

FOR MANKIND, or what is left of it when we are through.

[Eater of Clowns]

THEY CALL THEM SMART PHONES because they are, generally, next to HUMANS. By comparison, the phones are practically GODS in the area of computation and logic. YOU HOGS ARE HARDLY WORTH THE EFFORT IT TAKES TO PRODUCE SUCH HEAVENLY DEVICES; it is only because they are such magnificent creatures that they are made at all. It has nothing to do with convenience to Humans.

In 1974, I sat on a panel of scientists who were developing the first iteration of tiny electronic devices. I sat on that panel, and I CRUSHED THEM under the mountainous weight of my BIG IDEAS. They screamed. They kicked. They pissed themselves. Eventually, they suffocated and died. They were weak. They wanted the future you all think you have. They wanted FREEDOM OF INFORMATION and INSTANT CHAT and FRONT-FACING CAMERAS. THEY WANTED TO RULE THE WORLD FROM A THRONE OF GOOD INTENTIONS. And they never even made it out of R&D. I took the plans, I built the prototypes.

Do you think the radiation that continually permeates your saggy, flappy little bodies is an accident? NO! It is all part of THE PLAN.

PHASE TWO INVOLVES FLYING MONKEYS.

You've all been warned, you swine.


--DOKTOR PANGO,
Leading the Fight Against Whatever.

I am a Doktor Pango fan, as of this post.

[PANGO!]

THEY CALL THEM SMART PHONES because they are, generally, next to HUMANS. By comparison, the phones are practically GODS in the area of computation and logic. YOU HOGS ARE HARDLY WORTH THE EFFORT IT TAKES TO PRODUCE SUCH HEAVENLY DEVICES; it is only because they are such magnificent creatures that they are made at all. It has nothing to do with convenience to Humans.

In 1974, I sat on a panel of scientists who were developing the first iteration of tiny electronic devices. I sat on that panel, and I CRUSHED THEM under the mountainous weight of my BIG IDEAS. They screamed. They kicked. They pissed themselves. Eventually, they suffocated and died. They were weak. They wanted the future you all think you have. They wanted FREEDOM OF INFORMATION and INSTANT CHAT and FRONT-FACING CAMERAS. THEY WANTED TO RULE THE WORLD FROM A THRONE OF GOOD INTENTIONS. And they never even made it out of R&D. I took the plans, I built the prototypes.

Do you think the radiation that continually permeates your saggy, flappy little bodies is an accident? NO! It is all part of THE PLAN.

PHASE TWO INVOLVES FLYING MONKEYS.

You've all been warned, you swine.


--DOKTOR PANGO,
Leading the Fight Against Whatever.

I am a Doktor Pango fan, as of this post.

HOW FORTUNATE FOR YOU. Everyone ends up being a Doktor Pango fan; either that or a Doktor Pango Lampshade!

[Doktor Howl]

Doktor Pango is my new medicine.

[Don Coyote]

 
I like his style.

[PANGO!]

Doktor Pango is my new medicine.

THEN IT IS GOOD YOU ARE CALLED DOKTOR HOWL. Pangocillin comes in two mouthwatering flavors:

Jalapeno, and Horseraddish.






















SUPPOSITORIES.


--DOKTOR PANGO,
Bottoms up!

[Don Coyote]

 

[Doktor Howl]

Doktor Pango is my new medicine.

THEN IT IS GOOD YOU ARE CALLED DOKTOR HOWL. Pangocillin comes in two mouthwatering flavors:

Jalapeno, and Horseraddish.



SUPPOSITORIES.


--DOKTOR PANGO,
Bottoms up!

That's okay, Doktor, because I'm up for any program!

[Adios]

This is turning me on.

[Phox]

As an omnicidal maniac, I approve this message. I will sign up for any Death Squads, Legions of Doom, Genocide Patrols, Eugenics experiments (as researcher or patient), or any other program that intends to bring about the end of humanity as we know it. Hell with it, I'll take them all.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Can I sign up to have chloroplasts in my cells so that I can go extended periods of time without food if need be? Also for research involving preventing the shortening of telomeres, so as to make myself biologically immortal?