THE HATE: PANGO BRINGS IT.

[PANGO!]

Pango, tell me a story.

A story about Generalissimo Enrico, bless his dear departed soul.

"DEAR" in three of the five extant Salazorean dialects is synonymous with SUICIDE BY RAZOR. Assuming for now that you did not intend to start any unfortunate rumors about Enrico, Pango shall indulge your inquiry. HOWEVER; what Pango tells you MUST BE KEPT IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE. Enrico may be "dead," but he can still KILL with all the intensity of a BEARSHARKTOPUS ON BATH SALTS CUT WITH CYANIDE.

NOW, ENRICO, a man who Pango proudly served over 20 years as Chief Doctor Secretary, is not a man to be trifled with. He was, perhaps, the only man Pango has ever known who truly DESERVED to live. That is assuming Enrico was merely a man at all, which can be honestly debated. One day Pango remembers, in the heat of a very terrible battle, Enrico singlehandedly slaughtered no less than 113 Korean soldiers. With a fucking steel toothpick. This is not a lie. This is where the story begins.

Enrico tasked Pango with building a sort of "Dead Salazorean Horse" for invading the Enemy camp. The basic strategy was similar to the "Trojan Horse" concept, except instead of a big ridiculous mare, Enrico's idea was to take all 113 dead Korean bodies and fit them with explosives and robotic skeletons, reanimate them, and march them back to the main camp, where they would be greeted as heroes and then explode. Normally this strategy would not work, as it would take so long that the bodies would begin to decompose and raise a great stench. But these were Koreans, so we did not have to worry about that.

On the first day of experiment, Enrico came to Pango to ask for progress. "WHERE IS LIVING DEAD ARMY SWINE?" Enrico said. Pango replied, of course, "This great task is too much for one day, Generalissimo. Please grant one more day." Enrico retreated to his harem house, and waited one day.

On second day, Enrico approached Pango again, asking "YOU PROMISE TODAY, DOKTOR. ENRICO HATE WAITING. WHERE IS ZOMBIE BOMB STRIKE FORCE!" Pango replied, "Great Generalissimo! Your power is great, but not great enough to raise the dead in two days! One more day, I beg you!" Enrico was not happy, but granted one last day, warning "ONE DAY DOKTOR. BUT IF I COME BACK AND NO ARMY, YOU LOSE BOTH THUMBS."

Pango worked feverishly throughout the night and, by the morning of the third day, the Great Salazorean Zombie Corps was ready for deployment. Enrico entered laboratory tent to check on Pango. Enrico inspected the army and was very pleased. He said "DOKTOR! YOU HAVE MAKE ENRICO HAPPY ON THIS DAY! TODAY, REPUBLIC OF KOREA WILL KNOW GREAT NATION OF SALAZORE IS NOT NATION WITH WHICH TO FUCK!"

The army of the dead was loaded into strike trucks and driven to the edge of a clearing, where Korean camp was located. Pango readied the radio controllers and other science equipment, while Enrico unloaded the army and set them in formation, blessing each Korean soldier with a Tear of Enrico, the most prized Salazorean war honor. Then, Enrico gave the order MARCH ZOMBIES MARCH! And the robotic soldiers creaked to life, marching into the open, toward the camp.

As the gates of the camp opened to allow the soldiers to enter, we witnessed the unexpected. Young, beautiful Korean ladies ran out of the camp to greet their heroes. Enrico was immediately worried and aroused. "NO! DOKTOR! CALL OFF EXPLOSIONS! ENRICO NOT WANT TO WASTE BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADIES!" But it was too late. The soldiers were on auto-destruct mode, and the Korean women were as good as dead. Enrico, however, being young and verile in those days, would not tolerate such a disaster. He ran out of the trees, into the clearing, to save the women.

Guards on top of the Korean camp walls began firing at Enrico. He dodged these bullets easily, dodging and weaving like a maniac. When he was halfway to the gate, Enrico leaped up and, in mid-air, pulled the biggest god damn gun Pango has ever seen from his pants and began firing. Two guards went down immediately, followed by three more who popped up to take their place. Enrico ran like the wind, firing and spitting obscenities at the Koreans. When he reached the gate, he slipped in just as they slammed shut.

Five seconds later, an enormous explosion rocked the entire valley, and a pillar of smoke and fire rose about a mile into the sky. Enrico surely was dead. As the smoke and debris settled, a dead silence settled over the ruins of the Korean outpost, which was now only a crater in the middle of the burning grass. Pango shakily walked toward the wreckage, afraid to see what he would find there. But when Pango approached close, some timbers shook and fell off of the charred husk of a guard tower, revealing Enrico. Smiling like a banshee.

"DOKTOR PANGO YOU HAVE ALMOST KILLED ENRICO TODAY, BUT NOT QUITE!" he howled. Pango couldn't believe his eyes. And Pango was even more astonished when Enrico stepped into the light, because he was draggin the writhing, naked bodies of twelve Korean women, glistening in the sunlight.

"Generalissimo! How did you survive the blast from those zombies!?" Pango asked.

"HAHA! ZOMBIES? ENRICO DISABLE THEM. EXPLOSION YOU SEE WAS ENRICOGASM. YOU SHOULD TRY SOMETIME. IS LIKE HEAVEN." The Korean ladies moaned and passed out.

[Eater of Clowns]

I'm telling this as a bed time story in the event I have children.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

 

Thank you, Doktor Pango.

[PANGO!]

It is Pango's pleasure to assist with storytime, Reverend. Enrico was Pango's close ally in life. Now that Enrico is relegated to CIA witness protection program dead, it is great pleasure to have time for remembering.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

You seem to think there are exemptions. People who don't need this sort of abusive reality check.

You're wrong.

[Epimetheus]

Doktor! where are you hiding These Days?

[Triple Zero]

You seem to think there are exemptions. People who don't need this sort of abusive reality check.

You're wrong.

In fact, I'd say that the people who don't think they need this are the ones that need it the most.

What does that even mean?

It sounds very revolutionary kick-em-in-the-face sound-bitey ... so naturally that makes me a bit suspicious, especially since it doesn't really *say* anything. What do ALL people need it for?

Do they need one all the time?

Why do you need one? And why does it need to be abusive? If it is because you otherwise wouldn't listen, how does that generalize to all people?

Did you really just type that without your bullshit detector sounding alarm?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

You seem to think there are exemptions. People who don't need this sort of abusive reality check.

You're wrong.

In fact, I'd say that the people who don't think they need this are the ones that need it the most.

What does that even mean?

It doesn't translate well.  Imagine you had this friend, see, who was behaving in a manner that did not reflect his potential.  So you hit him with a tire iron and throw him down a manhole.  You don't WANT to do it, but what choice do you really have?  He's your FRIEND.  You OWE it to him.  He'll thank you later.

[PANGO!]

You seem to think there are exemptions. People who don't need this sort of abusive reality check.

You're wrong.

In fact, I'd say that the people who don't think they need this are the ones that need it the most.

What does that even mean?

It sounds very revolutionary kick-em-in-the-face sound-bitey ... so naturally that makes me a bit suspicious, especially since it doesn't really *say* anything. What do ALL people need it for?

Do they need one all the time?

Why do you need one? And why does it need to be abusive? If it is because you otherwise wouldn't listen, how does that generalize to all people?

Did you really just type that without your bullshit detector sounding alarm?

Ahem.

WHAT EXACTLY THINK YOU WILL ACCOMPLISH WITH THE "Sir I do believe you ought to expound upon these statements" BULLSHIT?

OVER-ANALYZE THIS, OVER-ANALYZE THAT. LET PANGO EXPLAIN TO YOU SIMPLE MATTER OF WHAT PRECISELY IS BEING SAID IN ORIGINAL POST, IN TINY LITTLE WORDS SO MORTAL BRAINS MAY DIGEST FOR MAXIMUM NUTRITION:

YOU
DESERVE
TO
DIE.


THAT IS ALL.
ALL HUMANS DIE, ALL HUMANS DESERVE TO DIE, IF YOU ARE YOU HUMAN THEN PLEASE MOVE OVER TO SIDE OF ROAD AND DIE.

NO DEEP PHILOSOPHY.


GOODNIGHT SIR.