God in the hands of an angry sinner.

[Da6s]

I've been imbibing this glorious half bottle of lime smirnoff i discovered in my fridge, so keep that in mind as this rant evolves and develops. That shit tastes like lime green skittles too. It isn't bad. And I usually hate flavored vodka.

Anyways. So today's a special day kiddies. Know why? It's the one year anniversary of the cementing of my utter and total contempt for the christian ideal of god. This may not seem special to most of you, but most of you haven't gotten to spend 22+ glorious years within the bible belt and the sporadic massive crosses that seems to be anywhere you drive:


I never knew jesus was hung from a handle-bar dildo.


To fully grasp the magnitude of today, we must start from the beginning. Like all perfect little zealots, I was born a baptist, or as they like to think of themselves, a "true christian". I was force-fed all the traditional fodder, consisting of and not limited to that god knows everything you'll ever do, you are a little shit compared to god/jesus, jesus loves you but gods hate you because 6000 years ago some people ate an apple, liberals and democrats are the reason god has turned his back on america, killing any innocent is ok because this is the only true christian nation, all the founding fathers were the exact same christians as we have today, the southern baptist convention is too lenient on sinners so that's why our baptist church isn't part of it (the real reason was the church was wacko, and they were denied membership), and tons of other bullshit. I specifically remember being 8 years old and one of the kids that was in sunday school all of a sudden stopped coming. I couldn't understand why, and it was explained to me about the time i was 14 that he had an older brother that had come out, and the family refused to send him to jesus bible brainwashing camp and as such the family was shunned out of the church. From age 6 to 17 I spent almost every week of summer attending the various bible schools that existed across our little buckle of the bible belt town. And this brings us to the first pivotal moment.  

When i was 16 i did what most 16 year olds do, and stumbled into the first love of my life, which also happened to be the taker of my vcard. When i say i was head over heels as any 16 year old would be after a year and a half with the same girl it should set the stage. This relationship ends, abruptly, and as a lot of stupid 17 (it ended a month before my birthday) year olds do, i became angsty and began asking questions. Four months before this happened, the true christian baptist church i'd attended all my life kicked the old preacher out because he basically stole money from the offering to buy himself new garage doors. I guess god told him it was ok. So the deacons met, and decided our church was going to start holding auditions to fill the role of perfect zealot preacher. This search goes on for 6 months (my birthday is in january, they chose the fat fundamentalist in question in march). They settle on a man that looks like jerry falwell had an illegitimate love child with pat robertson which was done by them both masturbating onto a cross and allowing rosie o' donnel to proceed to reenact the masturbation scene from the exorcist with said cross, but i digress. So they get this red faced fundamentalist that believes in the absolute and total literal interpretation of the bible, and by bible i mean the old testament. All that shit jesus said about loving thy neighbor and everyone else, fuck it. This was election year, 2004. I was just starting to understand the concept of being able to think for myself, schmuck, and as such i realized i have leftist viewpoints. This new hellfire and brimstone pastor would weekly profess that all centrist and leftist ideals were the direct problem with the world, and how god wanted bush to be elected. The pastor set out 2 bush/cheney signs next to the sign with whatever message of the week in front of the church for the entire year (they also did this with mccain palin). He would weekly tell the members of the church that god wants them to vote for bush, and if they voted for kerry they would be spitting in the face of god. This confused me greatly, because i knew that it was wrong. At the time, i had a best friend that was lutheran, and i had gone to the occasional service with him. One of these eventful services included and explanation of the two concepts of free will and pre-destination. I couldn't comprehend them, so i let it stew inside me while i formulated the proper question to ask.


P-rob's love baby.

Fast forward to summer, 2004. I'm 17, have a goatee (so therefore im evil), and am in an angsty state of being. My parents referred to me as "goth", but you're free to make your own labels. Or not. Whatever. Anyways, it's bible school time, so i do what i've done my whole fucking life, and go to bible school at the church i've been attending since i was born. It was the second night, and everyone over the age of 12 was gathered together for some singing fuck practice for no reason. At this junction, the pastor is speaking to everyone trying to instill the fear of god into everyone, and for whatever reason asks the crowd of young minds if they have any questions about god. I immediately raise my hand, am called on, and ask the question that had been bothering me for weeks: How is free-will possible if pre-destination exists?. The pastor whispers to a deacon that proceeds to walk up and pulls me aside for being "insubordinate". I'm escorted downstairs into a room with about 4 collapseable metal chairs. I'm told that i was stirring questions in the mind of the youth and therefore was commiting evil, and things would have to be done to handle the issue. I'm then locked in the room and left there for about 20 minutes. The 6 Deacons enter, and force me to sit in a chair in the middle of a circle of them. They then proceed to lay hands on me and pray in tongues. One of them kneels in front of me, sticks his finger in my face, and tells me that i have great leadership potential in the church but that satan himself was using me for evil and stirring doubt among the young members of the congregation. I'm then told my parents have been contacted, and that i'm not to return to bible school this year unless i've decided to serve the lord. My mother picks me up, and i'm promptly grounded.

That was the event that started my doubt, and resulted in me never attending service again.

Fast forward once more to last year. I have a great aunt that by all regards i should call grandmother. My biological grandfather was a prick by all means of the word, and my bio grandmother was a bit of a flaky whore. My great aunt in question was the sister of my twat grandfather, and pretty much single handedly raised my mother from about age 4 to age 16. But i digress. This grandmother figure in my life that baby sat me all through elementary school and was the sweetest, kindest, more christ-like old (just for you TGRR) lady i've ever encountered got to experience the joys of a horrible affliction of stomach cancer. I know of no other way to state this other than this woman was probably the protestant answer to the concept of a nun, and was one of the reasons i held out a smidgen of faith/hope. For 3 months it ate her up from the inside. It caused ulcers that leaked her own stomach acid out into her body. She was in unimaginable, constant pain for 3 months. It was bad. Finally, her body gives up and she dies from this unspeakable pain that her god saw fit to gift her with as a reward for her dutiful service throughout the years. That day was a year ago today.

The rest of that side of the family are crazy fundies, by all regards of the word. They sent one of my cousins to a bible brain wash camp in north carolina for making the mistake of mentioning her bi-curious teenage affairs. They want to have the service at the church that she attended since it's founding. They decide to have the preacher that kicked me out of bible school for asking a fucking question manage the service. I attend, expecting horror and i wasn't disappointed. The fundie preacher in question turned her fucking funeral service into a god damned southern baptist revival, complete with having fucking congregation members come up and give their own god damned testimonies standing next to my dead aunts fucking coffin. Never mind the fact that their fucking god saw fit to punish this sweet old lady with fucking stomach cancer and unimaginable pain for the last 3 months of her life, not even allowing her the dignity to die in her own home. I was told this is "god's love" and "god's mercy".

After the most profane funeral i've ever attended i go home and sit and drink, much like i'm doing right now. I then realize that the concept of servitude towards god is complete and utter bullshit.

And here I am now. Kinda drunk. Yay? Yay.

So it's with all this in mind that i declare today fuck christianity/god day.

Drink in solidarity with me.


Edit: Added a picture of the pastor, and here's the link to the church in question and their horrible fucking website. Feel free to contact them with your kindest regards. The lady in question is under in memory, sylvia clark http://www.statelinechurch.org/

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I'm not blaming God for the actions of monkeys.

He's just this guy, you know?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

And what the fuck was that "just for you TGRR" business?

[Da6s]

And what the fuck was that "just for you TGRR" business?

To show that i don't really hate all old people, despite the never ending heckling i seem to have brought onto myself.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

And what the fuck was that "just for you TGRR" business?

To show that i don't really hate all old people, despite the never ending heckling i seem to have brought onto myself.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that shit.   

TGRR,
Remembers now.

[Da6s]

I'm not blaming God for the actions of monkeys.

He's just this guy, you know?

He is just this guy(s), and i don't think he gives two shits one way or another of how he is honored by a life of servitude.

My blame is more directed at the christian concept of god and how he is so good, he's so good to me and what not.

[Precious Moments Zalgo]

So today's a special day kiddies. Know why? It's the one year anniversary of the cementing of my utter and total contempt for the christian ideal of god. This may not seem special to most of you, but most of you haven't gotten to spend 22+ glorious years within the bible belt and the sporadic massive crosses that seems to be anywhere you drive

Congratulations.  I also live in the Bible belt, but thankfully I'm not in Appalachia.

Did they even try to answer your question, or did they just tell you to quit being a troublemaker?

She was in unimaginable, constant pain for 3 months. It was bad. Finally, her body gives up and she dies from this unspeakable pain that her god saw fit to gift her with as a reward for her dutiful service throughout the years. That day was a year ago today.

Yeah, that kind of shit sucks.  My wife's grandmother went through something similar.  She was in constant pain and couldn't even move.  Once she asked me, "I don't understand why I have to go through all this.  Why can't I just die?"

Added a picture of the pastor, and here's the link to the church in question and their horrible fucking website. Feel free to contact them with your kindest regards. The lady in question is under in memory, sylvia clark http://www.statelinechurch.org/

That is an ugly website.

[Da6s]

Bahahahahaha


Just had a pleasant conversation with my maternal life giver. The horrible psycho scammer pastor that inspired this wonderful piece just quit the crazy southern baptist church. He is transferring immediately to the loonie pentecostal church, I guess because the baptists just weren't psychotic enough.


I'm still laughing.

[Salty]

I do indeed raise a bottle of beer to you.

I spent a great deal of my youth at the Anchorage Baptist Temple, sort of an outpost for Jerry Falwell acolytes. It's HUGE. When Marylin Manson came up here for a concert they bought a bunch of tickets so other people couldn't go (paying the man for chrissakes) and threw bibles at him. Manson loves that kind of shit.

Bible Camp, Vacation Bible School. That shit hooks you in fast and deep, especially at a young age.
Eventually I saw their foolproof, patented method for brainwashing.

One evening, at a weekly young adult meetup, they showed us movies meant to inspire paralyzing fear of hell. Then this woman came to the front of the class in tears, she told us what we had done to Jesus. She passed around a bag of ground beef and said that's what Jesus' back looked like after being whipped with the cat-o-nine-tails. Then we were all given nails and told to drive them into 2x4's at the front of the room to take ownership of our hands driving nails into Jesus for redemption.

Then I read Mark Twain's "Letters From The Earth" and lol'd the Jesus-Juice right out of me.

Thank Christ.

Also, fuck Him.


It is really shitty what they did to your Aunt. Surely they can be made to pay, or at least made to feel like complete assholes? Then again, those folks are often resistant to realizing their asshole nature.

[E.O.T.]

JESUS

[Salty]

Those places (camps, conferences, whatever) where they brainwash people into believing they're straight are the reason why I hate that religion. I know not all Christians believe that sort of thing is okay and it's not Christians I hate but the religion itself.  The sin, not the sinner, amiright?

[Da6s]

It is really shitty what they did to your Aunt. Surely they can be made to pay, or at least made to feel like complete assholes? Then again, those folks are often resistant to realizing their asshole nature.

I complained after it was over, and still do. The most common retort they give is "it's what she would've wanted". Which is what they are convinced of and believe.