ITT: I reply to your requests like a demented Sant!a

[Richter]

ASK.

First:  TGRR:

Got your X-mas request via voicemail.  What a disastrous list!  Regardless of previus Naughty / Nice projections and historical ratios, we can only assume that with that many chainsaws, a bulldozer, flamethrower, etc., you would be irrevocably shifted into NAUGHTY.  Then some jackass elf realized that if he honored this request, the naumber of requests he'd have to process in future would certainly go DOWN.  (He broke his hand while repeatedly mashing the big red ACCEPT button, self inflicting multiple compound fractures of the metacarpals.  Workman's comp is going to shit.) 

You're getting your stuff, we can't stop the churining wheels of bureaucracy once the big red button's been hit.  We do expect you to make this up though.  A tithe of workers who will not loose their shit as badly as the elves will do.  Fuckarounds, troglodytes, and knuckle draggers are acceptable.  We need folks who become jaded and blase about their work, like the well worn wood of the banister in an old mansion.  Anything but these slap - happy, eternally optimistic, toy making fucks.  They are not bred for admin work. 

[Epimetheus]

YO SANTA

I WANT A WATER BUFFALO


OR A BURRO

[Whatever]

I want a bazooka and a couple of insane partners with a shitton of weaponry to help me go postal. 

[Jenne]

I want that club that cartoon character that shouted KOWABUNGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! had when I was younger.  It was a Hanna-Barbera cartoon--lessee if I can find him (Caveman something or other was his name)...

OH yeah, THIS GUY:

[Richter]

YO SANTA

I WANT A WATER BUFFALO


OR A BURRO

This order will be filled by two of our independent contractors.  Mad Phuc Do's Cambodian Barbecue, and Juan's Pony Pit and Ass Hole.

If Mad Phuc send you anything unsatisfactory, make sure you try it with the sauce before you send it back.  Keep in mind this is a man who will flash fry a rhino without batting an eyelash, but the sauce was his mother's recipe.  He once tried to self immolate when someone refused to try it. 

[Richter]

I want a bazooka and a couple of insane partners with a shitton of weaponry to help me go postal. 

Watch "The Expendables".  It's all of the above, and enough overmasculine bromance to make Prince Charles hurl in his brouges.

[AFK]

I want whirled peas.

[Richter]

I want that club that cartoon character that shouted KOWABUNGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! had when I was younger.  It was a Hanna-Barbera cartoon--lessee if I can find him (Caveman something or other was his name)...

OH yeah, THIS GUY:

I remember when Hanna - Barbera was worth a damn, and actually did sci-fi / adventure cartoons, not just mindless funnies.  Did anyone ever think that captain Caveman looked like the love child of Mr. Peanut and Cousin It?  

I'm going to hide a few of these clubs in local hardwood trees in your area.  You'll jsut need to grab you axe and carve 'em out.  If any break, just locate and extract the next one.  

And yeah, I TRIED getting the elves to make some.  Little pricks.

"But that would be dangerous!", they say, carving it into a train set reminiscent of a butt plug.

"THAT'S THE POINT."  I tell them, but they laugh, and nance off to the breakroom to shove odd things into each other's stockings.

One of them wants to be a dentist now.  I dipped him in curry, and mailed him C.O.D. to a prominent dental school.  I ain't getting SHIT this year.

[Richter]

I want whirled peas.

Your Naughty / Nice ratio will only be within acceptable parameters if you stop the picky ating and demands for unusualy preperation.  those veggies have feelings, and like themselves un-whirled and un-blended.  They want to be loved for who they are.

All we're saying is Give Peas a Chance.

[East Coast Hustle]

I want a GIANT dehumidifier.

Big enough to finally realize my dream of killing the Atlantic Ocean.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I would like a time machine for gambling purposes.

[Richter]

I want a GIANT dehumidifier.

Big enough to finally realize my dream of killing the Atlantic Ocean.

Set up coffer dams to block off the Atlantic as appropriate.  I'll see about calling in the huge transforming maid from "Spaceballs".  Be quick, without the dams, we'll just end up taking the Pacific too.

[Suu]

I would like a time machine for gambling purposes.

Gray's. Sports. ALMANAC.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I would like a time machine for gambling purposes.

Gray's. Sports. ALMANAC.

Hell yeah!

[Suu]

Dear Santa,

I would like hydraulic replacements for my battered knees and ankles, and at least one arm converted to this:



http://futurismic.com/2010/12/10/tentacle-prosthesis/



Sincerely,

Princess-Episkopos Kaousuu, Esq. of the Most Serene and/or Sovereign Principality of Kaousuu.