I am not your fucking marriage counselor.

[Suu]

Divorces suck.

Duh...As my dear friends here at PD know, 2009 ripped my ass apart...There's nothing better than your husband coming home from work and saying he wants a divorce, and then disappearing for 2 weeks, right? Right. Fact of the matter is, this is in my past now. Yeah, parts of it still hurt, and they're going to hurt for a very long time no matter who I have in my life. It's very hard to forgive and forget, and still, here, nearly 2 years after he left me, whenever I see him I don't know if I should hug him or rip his nutsack off...Or hug THEN rip it off...Oooh, a setup. He'll never know it's coming...

Either way, it is now evident that, somehow, I am now the marriage councilor of sorts for my friends that are dealing with their looming splits.

"Suu, since you got divorced..."
"Suu, he did this, what do I do?"
"Suu, he's leaving me, I don't know what to do!"


First of all...I was a horrible wife. Everything he did to me, I did back to him. This is the wrong approach. I am a vindictive bitch and I wanted to make him just as miserable as he made me. I cannot stress how bad of an idea this is, and the fact that you're coming to ME for advice, is even worse. Whatever I'll tell you will probably get you in jail.

I AM NOT A NICE PERSON. I DID NOT HAVE FUN WITH MY DIVORCE. I DON'T REALLY WANT TO DWELL ON IT ANYMORE, SO YOU WANTING TO COMPARE YOUR SITUATION TO MINE IS NOT MAKING ME FEEL ANY BETTER.

If you have assets, children, anything that requires a lawyer...get a lawyer. Please. I am not legal council, I did not have such things, and I will probably tell you to take the bastard for all he's worth and milk child support until he can't afford to pay anymore so he ENDS UP IN JAIL AND GETS RAPED FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE THERE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!1

Ahem. No really. Get a lawyer. It's worth the money.

Second of all. It's very difficult for you to compare your situation with mine. Every guy is different and every split is different. It's not going to be easy, but you need to focus on what exactly went wrong and where. It could be you. You are not an angel. You're a women, you're a seething bitch who probably did something wrong, and now you're paying the price. Don't deny this, all women are bitches in their own right. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute (just remember to think with the head on top of the shoulders, even if it may not be as big as the one between his legs) and try to see what your own faults are. Don't come to me and go, "But he did this, and he did that..." Bullshit. I watched you do it too. Lying cunt. Watch your ass, he knows this...and there are laws in some states called "alienation of affection" that could get you in deep shit. Fortunately, RI is not one of these, or technically Herbert could have taken GS and myself to the cleaners. Also, get a lawyer.

If you have kids...I'm sorry. Why? I'm going to tell you that you're about to ruin their precious little lives by getting them tossed back and forth between the parents and make you feel like a horrible human being. This is not true, this is just me being evil. Custody battles are tough and emotionally draining. Let me buy you a bottle of wine as long as you promise not to talk about it...get a lawyer.

Here's an idea...maybe you shouldn't be on your 3rd sprog with a soldier who missed the birth of his 2nd one. Maybe your new Facebook profile pic shouldn't be you at age 29 wearing your high school team t-shirt doing shots with your 3 year old sitting on your lap, just sayin'...I know you're from Ohio and you moved to Florida, which makes your redneck trash factor automatically over 9000, but for fuck sake, woman, don't cry to me about losing your goddamn children when you have pics like that all over the internet!

Don't IM me on Facebook, after me not talking to you for like 5 years, with that profile pic up, after seeing that I got a divorce asking to be consoled because you're "depressed" and "your life is over". Fuck you.

You wanna go out for a ladies night? Dinner, drinks, the mall? Sure! I'm down, I'll help you keep your mind off it, but STFU otherwise.

You wanna know how to handle a divorce? This was my mantra...

Men are assholes.
Women are bitches.
Breaking up is expensive. I'm never doing this again.

Thanks for twisting the knife, all 3 of you. Get a fucking lawyer. Merry Christmas.


Or Kill Me.

Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Bene Gesserit, OVRR.

[Jenne]

  I feel ya, I'm going through this on a daily basis with my brother, who's right in the thick of it with a lying, conniving, whoring bitch.  ...and I really can't talk enough shit on her through gmail chat to satisfy him.  I'm sorta over it...it's tiring and destructive.

[East Coast Hustle]

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Ugh. As the reigning Queen of Divorces in my circle, people ask me for advice all the fucking time. I might even give good advice, but it's not like I love being constantly reminded that people see me as a fucking expert in divorce. It's stressful, it's horrible, and even if it starts out being amicable odds are high that at some point one of the two will snap and things will threaten to get way out of control. There is no way you or I are qualified to counsel people through that. They need to just drop the $300 for a consultation, if nothing else.

And for that matter, even if I am the most experienced person in my circle at getting divorced... how relevant is my experience from TWELVE FUCKING YEARS AGO? Laws change. Culture changes. My recent divorce was miles different from my divorce from EFO and MO's dad... not even comparable. Experience from my recent divorce may not even be helpful, as my ex is gay, there was nothing he could use against me, and we used a mediator (after a ton of going around with stupid bullshit) instead of a traditional divorce with lawyers. Laws vary in different states, so what's true in Rhode Island or Oregon may not even be applicable in Florida. I just don't know why people insist on using divorced people as consultants instead of sucking it up and seeing a lawyer.

[Richter]

A-MEN. 

You are justified in printing presenting (read: nailing upon 2nd repetition) a copy of this to anyone who asks.

[trippinprincezz13]

Ugh. As the reigning Queen of Divorces in my circle, people ask me for advice all the fucking time. I might even give good advice, but it's not like I love being constantly reminded that people see me as a fucking expert in divorce. It's stressful, it's horrible, and even if it starts out being amicable odds are high that at some point one of the two will snap and things will threaten to get way out of control. There is no way you or I are qualified to counsel people through that. B) They need to just drop the $300 for a consultation, if nothing else.
And for that matter, even if I am the most experienced person in my circle at getting divorced... how relevant is my experience from TWELVE FUCKING YEARS AGO? Laws change. Culture changes. My recent divorce was miles different from my divorce from EFO and MO's dad... not even comparable. Experience from my recent divorce may not even be helpful, as my ex is gay, there was nothing he could use against me, and we used a mediator (after a ton of going around with stupid bullshit) instead of a traditional divorce with lawyers. Laws vary in different states, so what's true in Rhode Island or Oregon may not even be applicable in Florida. A) I just don't know why people insist on using divorced people as consultants instead of sucking it up and seeing a lawyer.[/b]

Not to sound completely cynical since I'm sure some of it stems from wanting to talk to a friend and some weird vision of "bonding" through a mutual event/topic, but my guess is that it's could also partially be that people do A, because of B. Any way to save money. Definitely have a lot of people calling or walking in looking for free advice. Like a recent walking that asked if there was a consultation fee and was appalled by the fact that there was. "Well Attorney Rimjob is the best attorney in town and he doesn't charge a consultation fee!" "Okay, you can go see him then, but we still charge a fee". My guess is that Attorney Rimjob already turned the guy's case down.


But like Suu said, a ladies' night to get your mind off of things is one thing. Rubbing salt in the wounds by continuously bringing the divorce up when the circumstances are likely completely different is another. I doubt they'll want a constant reminder of their divorce once it's over and done with (if it's every really "done". Expecially with kids involved)

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

Just a little more time...... 

My first divorce was fairly easy.  We owned property we agreed on the disbursement of.  No kids, 45 seconds in front of the judge.  Divorced.

The current one......

Yeah, well there you go.  The main reason I am to toxic to be around.  I'm lucky, my shit is so fucked up people are terrified to ask me a single question for fear I will actually answer...

I always tell everyone, get a lawyer.  I just keep repeating that until they get tired of asking me questions or I get tired of talking to them at which point I will either hang up or walk away.  Toxic remember. 

[Adios]

So, I need some advise.........

Damn, I am a bad man. FYI, men whine about it as much as women.

STFU asshole.

[Cuddlefish]

Well done! 

Made me think of Iago in Othello, act 1, scene 3, for some reason...

334   It is merely a lust of the blood and a permission of
335   the will. Come, be a man. Drown thyself! drown
336   cats and blind puppies. I have professed me thy
337   friend and I confess me knit to thy deserving with
338   cables of perdurable toughness; I could never
339   better stead thee than now. Put money in thy
340   purse; follow thou the wars; defeat thy favor with
341   an usurped beard; I say, put money in thy purse. It
342   cannot be that Desdemona should long continue her
343   love to the Moor, — put money in thy purse, — nor he
344   his to her: it was a violent commencement, and thou
345   shalt see an answerable sequestration: — put but
346   money in thy purse...

[the last yatto]

Couldn't you give them a consultation,
charge an insane price then give a one or two word answer