A Very PD Holiday

[Lies]

To the tune of "God rest thee Merry Gentlemen"

May Eris of Discordia disrupt your Xmas Day,
We're turning out in force this year,
to help her win the day,
We'll tolerate no festive songs, or cheer of any kind,
We'll be spearing every Reindeer we find, that we find,
Yes we'll harpoon every Reindeer that we find

And if the Queen should make her speech,
her fate will be severe,
We're sending Babylon around, to fuck her in the ear,
and if Prince Philip intervenes, protests in any way,
then we'll horsewhip him from here to Boxing Day, Boxing Day,
Yes, we'll thrash him soundly lunchtime Boxing Day.

And any decorations, that you've put up on display,
you'd better take them down again,  and throw them all away,
there will be heavy penalties for every Christmas tree,
and you don't want to know what they will be, they will be,
but it will be very harrowing to see.

And every Father Christmas, that we see along the way,
we'll burn his fucking beard off, and tie him to his sleigh,
there'll be no cries of "Ho Ho Ho", or children on his knee,
and we'll poison all his Elves with LSD, LSD,
And we'll poison all his Elves with LSD.

There'll be no Xmas Carols sung, no Midnight Xmas Mass,
We'll Tar and Feather anyone who dares to be that crass,
And if we find Cliff Richard, then we'll hang him upside down,
from a lamp post in the middle of the Town, of the Town,
And we're never going to cut the fucker down, cut him down,
No we're never going to cut the fucker down.

There'll be no Xmas number one,
no "Mistletoe and Wine"
No Noddy fucking Holder,
shouting out "It's Xmas time"
No "Mary's fucking Boychild "
and no"Little Drummer Boy"
No festive cheer, no Xmas fucking joy,
fucking joy,
No ringing fucking Churchbells to annoy!




 

[Jenne]

BB, that was awesome!

[Triple Zero]

Haaaaaaaaahahahaaaaa I just read this thread

to everyone

and yeah I'm late :-P

[Eater of Clowns]

HAHA!  Nearly a year later and here is my offering for 2011 (OP updated to contain both)!

There're spags round the fireplace,
Hanging up their stockings,
They've met up in meatspace,
For Holiday mockings.
BadBeast says some shit like "blimey oi govnah"
We can't understand him, but BB we love ya.

That Santa guy's finally
Been taken some care of.
Those Nessies are grimey,
But the snow keeps the slime off.
'Cause the Southampton horrors ate Rudolph et al,
And a Templar's put Santa's hat on his metal.

But wait what's that racket,
Coming up the chimney?
"I'm telling you faggots,
I've got gasoline, see?"
Our dear old Enrico wants to light up the fire,
But burning the place down isn't what they desire!

"Unless it is, of course,"
A voice came from somewhere.
They screamed until hoarse.
One said, "dynamite's no fair!"
So many ideas to start up that first spark,
It's too bad we can't just light it with snark.

Though it didn't much matter,
In the end it got lit.
And ECH made a platter,
Of some de-licious shit.
So we argue and revel and laugh with some brews,
Try this beer by Squiddy!  And this one is Suu's!

Discord is the spirit,
Among different folk.
Let each other hear it,
But it's all the same joke!
Be it Moosemas or Christmas, Festivus or Yule,
It's time to bring mindfucks from high upon fools.

The year at this place is,
Well, it's winding right down.
So silence your faces!
And hear Eater of Clowns!
PD is for fun and for serious havoc,
And all of this butthurt, no sir I won't have it.

On WOMPers and writers!
On analysts and teachers!
On students and fighters!
On occupiers and creatures!
On to your PD revelry once more,
For again 'tis the season to show all what for!

[Eater of Clowns]

Also amending the OP with the one I did in exchange for a card from Suu two years ago, because I want all my holiday shit in one place.

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=23407.msg796307#msg796307

ETA nah I'll just leave the link up, the tone doesn't fit these other two.

[Suu]

Oh my god! I forgot about that! 

[Eater of Clowns]

I still have that card!  The royal guard in santa getup is too awesome to get rid of, so I just keep putting it on my tree.

[Eater of Clowns]

BUMP for 2012:

Ofuk not again,
the spags said together,
this poem's a pain,
give us a breather.
But the holiday season comes like it not,
so shut the fuck up and read up this rot.

So what the hell happened,
to PDers in '12.
Well we wrote some crap and
mostly we yelled.
The tumbleweeds heard it if no one else,
and even they were shocked by RWHN and Stellz.

There will be no tree,
for Garbo and Pix.
They'll light a bush or three,
because they're less phallic.
Roger and ECH can just stand there and watch,
but they cannot help because of their crotch.

And what about Twid,
whose faith this offends?
He knows that I kid,
so spare your Depends.
Ironing out what happens to Waffle,
I doubt he'll read this PD poem awful.

The Marrowman offers
me a few new rhyme schemes.
"One bone for my coffers,
to stop these grade school themes!"
L-M-N-O is worse than the bone man,
for making New England some scary land.

Hang holist's stocking,
but what the fuck's this?
It's far too shocking,
which one of them's his?
A h0list, a holis+, a ho1ist and,
fuck if I'm typing that whole list again.

On beaders and crocheters!
On writers and garbers!
On larpers and players!
On mixers and warblers!
On and remember during this holiday chore,
There's no better time to punish fuckers galore!

[Freeky]

Awesome. 

[hooplala]

2012's is particularly amusing.  I will think of lit bushes all season long.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

  Nice.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

  Nice, EoC.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I read it and enjoyed it.

[Eater of Clowns]

How Eris Stole Christmas
as sent to Nigel for Festive Cheer 2013

Every ape
In America
Liked Christmas a lot...

But Eris
Of Discordia
Did NOT!

Eris Hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. Only she knows her reason.
It could be that her head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, just that japes were her plight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May be that humans' brains are two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever her reason,
Our brains or her japes,
She stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the apes,
Staring down from above with a manic, Erisy grin
At the apes frantically buying in sin.
For she knew every Ape in 'Merica beneath,
Was forking out bills stacked in a sheaf.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" she snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then she growled, with her Erisy fingers all steepled,
"I MUST throw some of my apples at people!"
For, tomorrow, she knew...

...All the ape girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush from their bunks!
And then! Oh, the junk! Oh, the junk! Junk! Junk! Junk!
That's one thing she hated! The JUNK! JUNK! JUNK! JUNK!

Then the apes, young and old would show off their stuff.
Oh the stuff! Oh the stuff!
Oh the STUFF! STUFF! STUFF! STUFF!
And if they didn't get what they wanted they'd cry and they'd huff,
They'd wail and complain, act like they had it so rough!

And THEN
They'd do something she liked least of all!
Every ape in 'Merica, the tall and the small,
Would go back to normal as if nothing had happened,
While they bought bigger houses to fit all of their crap in!

It's crap! Oh it's crap!
OH it's CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!
And the more Eris thought of this Ape-Christmas-Crap
The more Eris thought, "I must punish these saps!"
"Why for too many years I've put up with it now!
I MUST give these apes a nice wake up slap!
...But HOW?

Then she got an idea!
An awful idea!
Eris
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Eris laughed in her throat.
And she made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And she chuckled, and clucked, "What an Erisy trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a reindeer..."
Eris looked around.
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop old Eris?
No! Eris simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"

So she called manservant Roger. Then she took some red thread
And she tied a big horn on top of his head.

THEN
She loaded some bags
And some other hodge podge
On a ramshackle sleigh
And she hitched up old Rog.

Then Eris said, "Giddyap!"
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the apes
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the apes were dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When she came to the first house on the square.
"This is stop number one," The Eris Claus hissed
And she climbed to the roof, empty bags in her fist.

Then she slid down the chimney, a rather small pipe.
But if Santa could do it, then so could Lady Strife.
She got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then she stuck her head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little ape stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," she grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then she slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and she took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And she stuffed them in bags. Then Eris, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then she slunk to the icebox. She took the apes' feast!
She took the apes' pudding! She took the roast beast!
She cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, Eris even took their last can of beef hash!
Then she stuffed all food up the chimney with glee!
"And NOW!" grinned Eris, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And Eris grabbed the tree, and she started to shove.
When she heard the small sound like the coo of a dove.
She turned around fast and she saw a small chimp!
Little Orange said, "Need help with that, wimp?"

Eris had been caught by this little ape daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cold cup of water.
She stared at Eris and said "Eris Claus – finally!"
"I was wondering when I'd at last see your hiney!"

Eris could see this girl was quite slick
She thought up a plan and she thought of it quick!
"Why my sweet little tot," Eris Claus said,
"How lucky you are to be out of your bed."
"Up from my bed?" Little Orange replied.
"I don't live here – I'm on YOUR side."

This confused even Eris and that's no small feat,
"I'm good with drainpipes, I'll show you, it's neat!"
And with that Little Orange grabbed onto the tree,
She and Eris flew up the flue and screamed WHEE!

Then the last thing they took
Was the log for the fire.
Just reached down and grabbed it with ire.
On the walls were nothing but hooks and some wire.

And the one speck of food
They left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then
They did the same thing
To the other apes' houses.
Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other apes' mouses!

It was quarter-past dawn...
All the apes, still a-bed
None of the apes yet awake
When they packed up their sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The Trimmings! The Trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit,
They road to the tiptop to dump it!
"Jape jape to the apes!" Eris was humming.
"They're finding out now no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then all the apes down in 'Merica will cry out BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned Eris,
"That I simply must hear!"
So she paused. And she put her hand to her ear.
And she did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, it sounded like hate!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS hate! Great!

Eris stared down at 'Merica!
Little Orange looked too!
And they laughed!
When they saw all the apes flinging poo!

Every ape down in 'Merica, the tall and the small,
Was poo flinging, having no presents at all!
Eris said, "They think Christmas ain't coming!
"It CAME!
"They don't see – without stuff, their lives are the same!"

And the apes, with their ape-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stopped poo flinging, asking: "How could it be so?
We bought and we bought until we had no more cash,
And there's nothing to show for it – not even beef hash?
And they screeched and they screeched until throats grew sore.
Then the apes thought of something that they hadn't before!
"Why don't we just go and burn down the store?"
And the mob turned and they marched forth with a roar!

And what happened then...?
Well...in 'Merica they say
That not a single ape's brain
Grew any sizes that day!
But for one or two something didn't feel right,
And from that day they started walking upright!
They started using those brains like they hadn't before in the least,
And Eris...

...Eris said...
"Little Orange, let's have some roast beast!"

[LMNO]