Forgetting

[Luna]

It hasn't been easy.  It still isn't.  Finding out you've wasted years on your life, thinking you had it set, that you'd done it right.  Years of feeling just a little smug, sometimes, that happy little glow of "nothing bad can ever happen."  Right up until it happens.

Now, it's, "what has SHE got that I haven't got?"  (Easy answer, that one.  My husband.)  "Why her?  She's disgusting."  (She is.  Really.  Petri dish with feet.)  Now it's hours of "where did I go wrong," and "what could I have done differently," and, worst of all, "how could I have changed myself to make it work?"

Stupid questions, really... but they dance around my head, bouncing off each other, sending sparks that burn when they skip off my brain.  They're normal enough, I suppose.  It's not the first time I've been cheated on.  Granted, it's the first marriage that's been destroyed.  The legal crap that's to come is scary as hell, but I've had relationships blow up in my face before.  Maybe it's because this time I'd promised forever.

Funny, my idea of forever was a bit longer than four and a half years.

He said, originally, that he'd walk away and leave me with everything, he felt so bad.  Like I'd want to live in the home we'd made together, surrounded by the ghosts of happier times.  Now, of course, that it has come down to it, every thing that's even remotely "ours" (as opposed to "I had this when we met") is an argument.  The sum total of the furniture I was allowed to take was a dresser (which was mine, before), a table that's about ready to fall apart, and some shelves.  Some dishes from the kitchen (pretty much on my own for pots and pans), and a coffee pot I bought for ten bucks four years ago and left at work.  Going through cash like it's water, trying to make the place livable.  (You can't imagine what the words, "hey, I've got some stuff in storage, you need it?" meant.  There wasn't more than a couple things I could use... but the fact that a friend cared enough...)  My bank account is hemorraging, he's complaining that I owe him for half the cell phone bill, the car insurance, the health insurance, he's got NO money... but the little tramp is bragging to her friends about lobster dinners.  (Oh, yes...  when you live in a state you can spit across, never, EVER forget that you have no idea who talks to who, and how fast the fact that you're bragging about fucking a married man will get back to his wife.)  And, let me tell you, finding out that they were talking about having kids months before I'd even moved out of the house was a special treat.

The hardest part is remembering things.  The look in his eyes when I finally asked him if he even wanted to TRY working things out.  He never did answer that question.  Remembering that kicked-in-the-gut sensation when I realized that he'd run around with her behind my back, but that he'd permitted her to chip away at our relationship for, literally, years.  Remembering him defending her with the, "if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else."  Yeah, that helps, a lot.  How many other women have been whispering their poison about me into your ears for years?  Even worse, remembering that wonderful vacation we went on, less than a month before I found out about her.

Yeah.  The good times are the hardest to remember.  I can't help wondering, when I think back, "was he glad it was ME that was there, or was he wishing it was HER?"

I sometimes wish I could forget it all.  Forget the years of marriage, the years before that we lived together.  Wipe out over a decade of life, of memories.  Just shovel out the brain, start over.  I don't want this crap cluttering up my brain, keeping me awake at night.  I haven't gotten more than four hours of sleep a night in so long, I don't remember what it's like to wake up to an alarm, rather than using it as a "stop lying there feeling sorry for yourself and get your ass to work" reminder.

You know what?

Fuck all that.

Through the worst of this, I've made some great friends, and I've found out some people I thought WERE friends, weren't... and some who I thought were just casual buddies were really friends.

I've been smacked in the face with the fact that other people have got the kind of baggage to lug around that I can only stare at in jaw-dropping horror.  If they can get through that shit, I can get through this.

Yeah, it'd be nice to flip the "I don't care" switch and go on like the whole decade didn't happen...  But, it did.  He's not worth cutting out that much of my life for... and killing the part of myself that cares isn't going to do me any good.

So, yeah.  I'm going to cry, sometimes.  I'm going to see one of my friends who's pregnant (and what the FUCK was in the water around here, anyway?) and choke up at the lost time and lost chances.  And I'm going to get angry, and take it out on the guys at fencing practice.  (Sorry about the bruises, honest.)  I'm going to lean on my friends a little too much for awhile.

But you know what?

This might have been the best thing that ever happened to me.

Bastard doesn't deserve me.

[Phox]

 

[Sister Fracture]

It may sound untrue and trite, but there'll come a time when you're not asking yourself "Where did I go wrong" and "How could I have changed myself," but you'll stop asking questions altogether and start laughing when he starts realizing what he's got himself into, what he's lost.

Trust me on this.

[Adios]

For what it's worth, this will pass. My first marriage lasted 25 years and when I finally got tired of being battered I walked out on $735,000.00.

Sorry you are having to go through this kid. Hang in there.

[Luna]

Thanks, all.

The answer to "how could I have changed myself" is probably that I could have, quite a bit... and I would have been miserable.  And, when I'm right in the head, I realize that I didn't go wrong.  We went wrong... and he was weak enough to give up.

[Suu]

but you'll stop asking questions altogether and start laughing when he starts realizing what he's got himself into, what he's lost.

Yep, like when the kids pop out with their faces covered in herpaderp...or his piss burning after she bounces on to the next victim. Whoops.






Am I the only one thinking of vicious vindication here or....?

[Luna]

There are days when I'm feeling particularly vicious.  Some days, I don't.  We'll see how I'm feeling once the paperwork's over.

[LMNO]

Glad to see you're turning it around.


The best revenge you can get is simply being happy.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Hay, you're free! If memory serves it took me quite a while for that to really sink in (lotta panic or misery or some shit happened first) but, once I did, life got real fucking awesome, real fucking quick.

[Luna]

Glad to see you're turning it around.


The best revenge you can get is simply being happy.

That's the first goal.  I'm focusing on stuff that I enjoy doing, and thinking back to things I used to enjoy, but stopped doing because HE didn't enjoy them, or didn't like me doing them.  (And, while I'm at it, I'm raking through stuff that got ditched prior to him.)

It's a pretty scary list.  I'd all but stopped listening to music, just because he didn't like my music.  It's been so long since I've danced that I'm not sure I remember where my feet are.  (Though given the fact that I can trip on a perfectly flat surface, how great a loss that is, I dunno, yet.)  I'd dropped me more physical of the sword fighting styles that I used to enjoy, and he'd discouraged me from trying to pick it back up.  (I caught him going through my old armor bag looking for stuff to give to his new girlfriend to get HER started, though.  No frippin' way.  I took the bag, and am toying with giving it another try.)  He used to nag me about what I spent my time on...  

He hated that I spent time reading, goofing around with Facebook games, playing World of Warcraft.  Irony, I've been so busy that I haven't had time to read much of anything, I've quit the stupid Facebook games, and my WoW time is way down.

Got a few personal goals set, too.  Going to get that gym membership I've been thinking about, take off some of the extra weight.  Eat better, take better care of myself.  Mostly that's for me...  Though, I won't deny the thought of him seeing me looking great, having a good time, and moved on with my life isn't a bad one.  

Hay, you're free! If memory serves it took me quite a while for that to really sink in (lotta panic or misery or some shit happened first) but, once I did, life got real fucking awesome, real fucking quick.

Yeah, that's starting to sink in.  I suspect it'll hit after all the legal crap is over with, but the simple fact that I don't have to take shit from anybody if I decide I want to hang out and drink at a buddy's place until midnight, and walk home through the city streets afterward, is a good thing. 

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

I think most of us blame ourselves initially because we have a harder time coming to terms with loving such a terrible excuse for a human being than we do with "Oh I must have fucked something up because I....."

As most have said, you'll move on from blaming yourself and placing the blame where it is deserved. 

As LMNO said, the best revenge is being happy.

Of course seeing them out and you looking like a million bucks when she needs to touch up her roots and lose 100 pounds, get on proactive for reals, maybe see another dentist because those caps, damn...  that is nothing to turn away from.  Take your victories when you can.  Eventually you'll just feel sorry for her and disgusted with him.  It just seems to take forever....

[Luna]

I think most of us blame ourselves initially because we have a harder time coming to terms with loving such a terrible excuse for a human being than we do with "Oh I must have fucked something up because I....."

Also, blaming yourself puts the control in your own hands, at least in your head.  "It's my fault because..." means, "If I do (or don't do) THIS next time, this can't happen again."  It's bullshit, but it makes things easier to swallow, sometimes.  Is there anything I could have done to prevent this?  No, because by the time I found out about it, he'd already decided the marriage was over and he was moving on.  Sure, I knew we were in trouble, I just couldn't get a grasp on what the hell was going on.  (She works with him, so she had every weekday for three years to chip away at things.)

As most have said, you'll move on from blaming yourself and placing the blame where it is deserved. 

It's tough.  The instinct is to blame myself, because me, I can fix.  I can't fix him.  (Well, okay, maybe with a pair of pinking shears, but that's neither here nor there.)  I certainly can't fix her, and she's not my problem, anyway.  (Though I CAN make sure people know about what she does to the marriages she touches; she starts her shit on somebody else, and they WILL be warned.)   

As LMNO said, the best revenge is being happy.

Of course seeing them out and you looking like a million bucks when she needs to touch up her roots and lose 100 pounds, get on proactive for reals, maybe see another dentist because those caps, damn...  that is nothing to turn away from.  Take your victories when you can.  Eventually you'll just feel sorry for her and disgusted with him.  It just seems to take forever....

Nope, not likely to EVER feel sorry for her.  She's a nasty little ball of malice who deliberately destroyed my relationship, along with the one SHE was in the whole time, as well.  And I hit disgusted with him awhile back.

Mostly I suppose I'm mourning the man I THOUGHT he was.  That man's dead and gone, and that hurts.

[LMNO]

Blaming yourself only works if it's the TRUTH.

"It's my fault because I didn't sacrifice enough of myself for him" is crap.

"It's my fault because I didn't see what a worthless sack of crap he was" is better.

"It's my fault because I ignored the evidence that he's a cheating scumfuck" is also better.

[Luna]

Blaming yourself only works if it's the TRUTH.

"It's my fault because I didn't sacrifice enough of myself for him" is crap.

"It's my fault because I didn't see what a worthless sack of crap he was" is better.

"It's my fault because I ignored the evidence that he's a cheating scumfuck" is also better.

And, "It's my fault because I actually tried to work things out for almost an entire year while he was lying to me about them being "just friends" and who knows what else" works, too.

I've got a habit of seeing the best in people, and ignoring the parts that are gonna bite me in the ass.  I suppose that's something I should work on.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Whether you're blaming yourself or someone else it's just dwelling in the past. Let it go, move on. Everyone loses the blame game