Greeks Myff'ed: Arachne

[Richter]

People in the ancient Greek world didn't have the same addictions we do these days with TV and internet, and had to find other things to get hung up on (that's foreshadowing).  Since everything was, by default, analog, most of their hangups had to be done IRL with IRL materials.  They didn't have "Doom", "Myst", or "Halo".  Instead they had "Blacksmithing", "Pottery", and "Weaving".  A nasty side effect of these games was you had finished product stuff when you were done.  It tended to pile up, so people used it for clothes and tools, having been kind of invested in them, like how people will kill if you threaten their Xbox Live Achievements. 

Arachne was one of the first professional weavers.  She was crazy "1337" at it, and could weave scenes of all sorts of interesting and pornographic shit, albeit at a horribly slow frame - rate.  She was really proud of this, and boasted about her genius.  Everyone agreed she was good, but reminded her that she should also be thanking the gods, who gave people the ideas and inspiration to become mad 1337 weavers in the first place.  Arachne was grumpy, and didn't want to hear it.  She has just had a bad fling with a dude named Hubris, and was kind of butthurt at the world. 

Sure, everyone can have a good angry gaming binge after a breakup, but most of us call it quits after a few hundred frags and get on with things.  Arachne though, just kept weaving and blaspheming, generally annoying everyone by screaming "BOOM HEADSHOT" every 200 rows. 

This pissed off Athena, so she went down to see her.  Athena, now she was something.  She was the goddess of cleverness and learning.  She wasn't entirely the "Arts and Crafts" goddess though, she was more like a hot librarian with a streak of war nerd.  She would have loved /k/.

So Athena challenges Arachne to a throwdown.  Most people would think twice about this.  Most people would play nice if they did.  Any sane person would have just woven up a nice normal tapestry, had a good game, and things would have been cool.  Not Arachne though.  Still doing the "BOOM HEADSHOT" thing, she wove up a tapestry of Zeus fuckign around, impregnating mortal women.  It was sort of the equivalent of talking trash about someone's parents, sexual preference, or excessive teabagging.

Athena, who was usually pretty collected, flipped out.  She drop kicked Arachne's uber-sweet weaving rig, jammed the shuttle up her ass, and, showing her ghetto side, cut up her face a bit.  She then stalked out saying she was coming back with her ugly stick.

Arachne, now mopey because she couldn't log back on to weave up a facebook post about it, hung herself.

Athena came back and found out she had become an hero, and felt bad.  She couldn't forget the sick burn Arachne had bestowed upon her though.  As a way of compromising, she turned her into a spider, and was all like, "Weave forever bitch."

Eris wasn't in on this, but I guarantee she watched it on youtube later in a filthy bathrobe drinking a beer and likely touchning herself while cackling evilly.

[Luna]

Awesome.

[Jasper]

Oh holy shit.  R, you're a genius!  

[Cramulus]

 

I love the juxtaposition of greek myth and internet / xbox memes

[Richter]

Thanks!  More of these coming, as the mood strikes.  They won't all be video game related either, the comparison just sort of fit.

[Jasper]

I'm seeing a Zeus/bro-culture mashup. 

[Richter]

Already been done.  The author of the "Codespell" books wrote Zeus as the eternal frat boy.

[Luna]

Already been done.  The author of the "Codespell" books wrote Zeus as the eternal frat boy.

Not a huge stretch, anyway.  Seems like he spent all his time sneaking around Hera's back.

[Jasper]

Damn.  I guess I oughtn't be surprised.

[Richter]

I could see Zeus done a couple ways.

- Mostly relaxed and reasonable, but serverely homophobic.  The exploits are all about proving his "manliness"
- Hillbilly, goofing off, blowing up shit with lightning for kicks, and womanizing out of boredom.
- Pervert supreme.  Tries more weird stuff in animal for than Hera is EVER into.

[Luna]

I could see Zeus done a couple ways.

- Mostly relaxed and reasonable, but serverely homophobic.  The exploits are all about proving his "manliness"
- Hillbilly, goofing off, blowing up shit with lightning for kicks, and womanizing out of boredom.
- Pervert supreme.  Tries more weird stuff in animal for than Hera is EVER into.

Heh.  That, or Hermes was setting him up...

[Jasper]

Or, the Horrible option:  he's just, like, this guy.  Omnipotence + Zero Imagination:  "Well, I could...go have sex with some...stuff?  And then break some stuff.  Yeah!"

Zeus: Secretly Lame

[Richter]

Zeus as "The Dude" 

[Jenne]

NICE!  Keep 'em coming, Richter!

[Requia ☣]

I like the horrible pervert option, its not that he doesn't love Hera, she just isn't into any of that freaky shit mortal women are.

I mean, she wouldn't even try sex with a goose.