OkCupid: A Guy's Perspective

[saturnine]

There's a scene in the movie "Koyaanisqatsi" that strikes me as a pretty good metaphor for OkCupid lately. First there's a shot of a slew of people crammed onto an escalator, riding along to some mall destination. Then the movie jump-cuts to hot dogs flying off of the production line in a meatpacking plant. For me, it was the movie's most striking moment, and certainly its most antisocial. The first shot seems to ask, "Who are all these people? Where are they going? Why do they need this weird apparatus to do it?" The movie's answer to all of the above questions? "MEAT."

I am one of many sausages fresh off the seemingly endless supply line. I am a guy on OkCupid. And lately it fucking sucks to be here.

I'd like to think that in the year 2011 we're well enough past the "online dating is creepy" stigma phase. As an internet-savvy youf myself, I kind of considered that phase over in 2003-2004, around the time when Match.com launched its massive advertising campaign and Nerve.com personals were the go-to spot for attractive, alternative-y 20somethings. We had learned that, yes, there were creeps and viruses on the internet, but there was also FREE MUSIC AND HOT PEOPLE, and god damn if that didn't facilitate learning how to sort the crap from the awesome. And circa 2005, when MySpace got big and Google became a household verb, forget about it. With the advent of social networking and Googlestalking, we were all free to date online with relative safety and without stigma.

As a personal anecdote, I've been an OkCupid member since 2004, 2005—somewhere thereabouts, and I don't remember or care exactly when. And yeah, I know anecdote is not evidence, but for what it's worth: a healthy amount of OkC activity in the years 200X-2007 has dropped off to almost nil in the past three years (2008-2011). Now, I'll also note there have been notable changes in my world during that time period: I've gained a moderate amount of weight, which turned me from rail-thin skinny to mildly pudgy. I also have learned tons about myself, which has led to some factors which I'm sure are dealbreakers (or at least intimidating) to many. I now am certain I wish to remain childfree, I openly identify as bi and poly, and I live with my best friend, who is also an ex.

So I'm not suggesting that OkC is the only thing that's changed here. As a good scientist, I have to note that too many variables have changed to make any sort of umbrella assessment. That said, this site has turned into a fucking wasteland.

"I'm beginning to think I'm like the Death Knell of OkCupid," I posted on my Facebook a few weeks ago. "Roughly 1/4 of the hotties I'd like to hit on end up deleting/un-activating their profile within a couple of months of my visit. Is that just a normal rate of attrition for that site, or am I driving them away, screaming and horrified?"

"The hotter the girl the higher the delete rate," responded my brother. "I haven't seen a truly good looking girl make it more than a month before deleting their profile or just going dark. They get impossible amounts of mail - more than they could ever respond to - and when they figure out a month in that the deluge isn't going to stop and most of the messages are pervy, most girls pull the plug."

It's alarming, the number of attractive women who register, create great profiles, and then suddenly disappear a few months later. Sad as it is, I think my brother hit the nail on the head.

Many women users find themselves in the position of fending off the hornballs by posting stringent requirements at the very top of their profiles. I see women saying things along the lines of "don't message me if you're married" in enough numbers to suggest that there are actually creeper men out there who are mentioning their marriages in their opening messages. As though women would consider a tryst with them HOTTER than the average no-strings-attached lay. For real? And even barring that case, plenty of women still feel the need to explicitly ban sexuality from their dating profile as a safety measure, to the point where there's so much pussyfooting around the topic ("Just looking for friends and then we'll see what happens") that one wonders if they're even sexual beings at all.

Personally, I'm upset by the massive decrease in responses from females I write to. It used to be that a "wink" or an "added to favorites" didn't merit a response—and then it became clear how useless those features were on a dating site. One hopes for articulate partners, right? So then it changed and a dashed-off message didn't merit a response. But now we're at the point where even a thoughtful intro message are still routinely met with complete radio silence in the name of etiquette. I've written many messages that indicate that not only have I read the person's profile, but that I actually found it interesting and attractive, have something in common with them, and am a smiling human being with a sense of humor. Lately I even usually say something along the lines of "Please drop me a line even if you're not interested—I'd prefer a 'No thanks' to no answer at all."

Even with an escape hatch built into my opening message, I still get nuthin'. Nada.

Dude, I get that I'm not Johnny Depp. I understand that I have some weird traits compared to the average Joe. But seriously—no response? Do you ignore people when they hold the door for you, too? Do you tip at restaurants?

So I'm wondering: Has OkCupid reached its critical sausage mass? Are there just too many guys too desperate for pussy? Is the group of hornball guys—and I do believe they're the minority—just so big at this point that they're scaring off the female userbase? Are people with specialty needs and identities like mine (Buddhist, childfree, poly, queer, etc.) leaving mainstream-oriented sites like OkC for more niche-oriented sites (DharmaDate, PolyMatchMaker, FetLife, etc.)?

Whatever the reason, it has resulted in lots of negative circumstances for the male user base. There is currently an OVERWHELMING pressure for decent, interested fellas to write brilliant, literary-quality opening messages to females. We just can't meet those standards. Everyone wants to be disarmed by brilliant wit. The rest of us are stuck with conversation. Futhermore, god forbid a decent, articulate human male actually is looking for a relatively casual sexual encounter. How is he supposed to go about it without looking like one of "those guys"? What if he, like many human beings, wants to explore his sexuality? The female OkC userbase is so busy swatting down the Neanderthals that there's no room for actual sex-positive dialogue from either side of the fence.

So I have some reminders for the guys and the girls.

Guys: Up your fucking game. Don't write messages with your dick. As Dan Savage put it this week, "drain your sack" before you get on here and message ladies. Otherwise it's like you're going grocery shopping on an empty stomach. You just don't do it.

Girls: There are actual male human beings messaging you, and you're writing them off because of the sex-crazed horndogs who do a disservice to my sex/gender. Fucking stop being cowardly and have the decency to say "Thanks, but I'm not interested right now" to the kind but unattractive fellas who write non-cookie-cutter messages. (Although if there's any chance they could've cut-and-pasted their message, radio silence is the way to go.)

Everyone: Be more forthright about what you want and don't want, need and don't need. Work for gender equality. Talk to people online the way you would in real life. Let your sexuality be a regular normal thing, instead of something that scares you or controls you. Don't waste people's time. Say thank you when someone compliments you. Take no for an answer. Don't be afraid to say no as your answer. Wake up. Fight back. Damage the status quo. It's fun.

[Lies]

Well, I don't know what variables it is for you, but me personally, I've never had much problems meeting people via OKC.

In fact, I just met 3 people in the last month from that site, and here in Aus, where the pickings are much slimmer, I think it does alright.

But I get where you're coming from. Maybe its your profile?

I've tried mucking around with mine quite a bit. Changing your profile does merit different results.

[East Coast Hustle]

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that it's 95% you and 5% OKC.

Not only do I not have any problems meeting people on OKC, but sometimes I have to engage in the same sort of filtering that you say many of the women engage in.

Of course, I also attract WAY more than my fair share of losers, creepers, and smelly wiccans, but that's to be expected on the internet.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that it's 95% you and 5% OKC.

Not only do I not have any problems meeting people on OKC, but sometimes I have to engage in the same sort of filtering that you say many of the women engage in.

Of course, I also attract WAY more than my fair share of losers, creepers, and smelly wiccans, but that's to be expected on the internet.

  I'll stop sending you love notes......

[Luna]

Ugh.

The thought of re-entering the dating game just made my entire intestinal system do a barrel-roll.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

Ugh.

The thought of re-entering the dating game just made my entire intestinal system do a barrel-roll.

Yeah, I've not been able to do that yet.  The thought makes me want to hurl.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Now, I'll also note there have been notable changes in my world during that time period: I've gained a moderate amount of weight, which turned me from rail-thin skinny to mildly pudgy. I also have learned tons about myself, which has led to some factors which I'm sure are dealbreakers (or at least intimidating) to many. I now am certain I wish to remain childfree, I openly identify as bi and poly, and I live with my best friend, who is also an ex.

I think this combination narrows your options down to "Mango".

Futhermore, god forbid a decent, articulate human male actually is looking for a relatively casual sexual encounter. How is he supposed to go about it without looking like one of "those guys"?

Who do you think "those guys" are?  Human males looking for casual sexual encounters.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that it's 95% you and 5% OKC.

Not only do I not have any problems meeting people on OKC, but sometimes I have to engage in the same sort of filtering that you say many of the women engage in.

Of course, I also attract WAY more than my fair share of losers, creepers, and smelly wiccans, but that's to be expected on the internet.

  I'll stop sending you love notes......

I won't.

[Luna]

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that it's 95% you and 5% OKC.

Not only do I not have any problems meeting people on OKC, but sometimes I have to engage in the same sort of filtering that you say many of the women engage in.

Of course, I also attract WAY more than my fair share of losers, creepers, and smelly wiccans, but that's to be expected on the internet.

  I'll stop sending you love notes......

I won't.

No, literally.  IT's gonna kill me when they see this keyboard.

[LMNO]

You know, it's tons easier to find a guy to casually fuck on the web than a woman.  Why don't you do your dude cruising online, and leave picking up chicks to IRL?

[Luna]

Ugh.

The thought of re-entering the dating game just made my entire intestinal system do a barrel-roll.

Yeah, I've not been able to do that yet.  The thought makes me want to hurl.

The concept of "yeah, just go out, find somebody, use him shamelessly, and toss 'im when you're done" is okay on paper, I suppose...  In practice, however...  That's just not me.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Ugh.

The thought of re-entering the dating game just made my entire intestinal system do a barrel-roll.

Yeah, I've not been able to do that yet.  The thought makes me want to hurl.

The concept of "yeah, just go out, find somebody, use him shamelessly, and toss 'im when you're done" is okay on paper, I suppose...  In practice, however...  That's just not me.

I'm beginning to think you're not serious about having a good time.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

At this point I'd.....  Wait, I can't say that out loud. 

DAMMIT!!!

[Luna]

Ugh.

The thought of re-entering the dating game just made my entire intestinal system do a barrel-roll.

Yeah, I've not been able to do that yet.  The thought makes me want to hurl.

The concept of "yeah, just go out, find somebody, use him shamelessly, and toss 'im when you're done" is okay on paper, I suppose...  In practice, however...  That's just not me.

I'm beginning to think you're not serious about having a good time.

I suppose that depends on your definition of a good time.

I get attached.

Setting myself up to get hurt again, NOT so much of a good time.

At this point I'd.....  Wait, I can't say that out loud. 

DAMMIT!!!

Lemme paraphrase.  "Spontaneous human combustion, I think we've solved the cause."

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Ugh.

The thought of re-entering the dating game just made my entire intestinal system do a barrel-roll.

Yeah, I've not been able to do that yet.  The thought makes me want to hurl.

The concept of "yeah, just go out, find somebody, use him shamelessly, and toss 'im when you're done" is okay on paper, I suppose...  In practice, however...  That's just not me.

I'm beginning to think you're not serious about having a good time.

I suppose that depends on your definition of a good time.

I get attached.

Setting myself up to get hurt again, NOT so much of a good time.

At this point I'd.....  Wait, I can't say that out loud. 

DAMMIT!!!

Lemme paraphrase.  "Spontaneous human combustion, I think we've solved the cause."

Okay, so get some chocolate and a magazine, and maybe take up mugging people as a hobby.

TGRR,
Full of valuable and useful advice.