The Wizard of Az

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Ten years ago, I left Tucson, and nine years ago I left Arizona for good. By "for good," I mean for about nine years, since I am now fully engaged in the process of moving back. Although I am not technically returning to Tucson, I expect that at some point I will end up back there, either because the vaporous promise of a better job will lure me there only to be stabbed to death by a street jackal, or because I wander down there on a drunken sleepwalk one night (and get stabbed to death by a street jackal).

Anyway, I will be re-acclimating myself to the dry low-desert climate in stages once I get to Phoenix, beginning with the traditional Arizona Tequila Diet and running through the phases of dehydration, delirium, desert-mummification, and finally, skin cancer.

It really has nothing to do with PD except that I can say for sure that this move is Erisian in nature. It turns out that the Discordian equivalent of "magic" is both incredibly easy and the hardest thing you will ever do. It's like faith, except instead of trusting a higher power to provide something you have already identified, it is trusting nothing in particular to provide something completely unknown to you. You step out on a plank of thin air, and enjoy the fall.

This kinda went nowhere, sorry about that.

[Freeky]

Nice imagery, though. And welcome back.

[LMNO]

trusting nothing in particular to provide something completely unknown to you. You step out on a plank of thin air, and enjoy the fall.

I liked that part.

[Doktor Howl]

You will come visit.  We have many bourbon.

[Subtract Eight!]

G Luck, you seem to have a good attitude, chill

[tyrannosaurus vex]

I have friends in Tucson so I will be in the area once in a while. For the record, Dok, if you see a burning paper sack on your doorstep, I promise it won't be filled with poop.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I have friends in Tucson so I will be in the area once in a while. For the record, Dok, if you see a burning paper sack on your doorstep, I promise it won't be filled with poop.

RDX or GTFO.

Seriously.  We have too much bourbon, and a whole golf course to make fun of, right at the base of the cliff behind the house.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

I am now an official resident of AZ again. In Phoenix, which is like Tucson but less South and about 28 megatons more paint and fancy freeway dressings. I haven't lived in this city since 1st Grade, when three guys were arrested outside my house for participating in a drive by shooting. I'm not sure what the intervening years have done to Phoenix, but I can say that at least this place isn't Tucson (yet). King Joe Arpaio still rules around here, and most of the streetlights still work.

My upstairs neighbor greeted me, in what I am astonished to report appeared to be a genuine, if somewhat mournful, hello. "I see you came from Wyoming," he said, "Welcome to the neighborhood." Was he just being nice, or was he just the beginning of the Desert's long and unavoidable inhalation of every shred of otherness I've accumulated in the past 8 years? His voice was raspy and there was a minor-key tone to his words, but he was genuine. Like he wasn't just saying hi to a stranger, but saying hi to his new cellmate.

I called the cable company to get some Internets going, and it turns out I still had an outstanding balance with them from when I lived in Tucson. This, I'm sure, is one of many omens to come.

[Requia ☣]

You need to carefully document the process of Phoenix eating your soul.  It's for science.

[Don Coyote]

You need to carefully document the process of Phoenix eating your soul.  It's for science.

THIS SQUARED

I need to know what to expect should I decide to move to AZ.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I am now an official resident of AZ again. In Phoenix, which is like Tucson but less South and about 28 megatons more paint and fancy freeway dressings.

And 169% less soul.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

UPDATE

I've been in Phoenix for just over three weeks. I'm once again accustomed to freeway driving. This city buzzes like any other, but it's lacking something. Roger says it has no soul. Maybe that's what it is. Hundreds of thousands of people crawl across this place every day, and as far as I can tell every last one of them is so utterly consumed with their daily grind that there is no room for soul here. Business hours run from 7AM until 8:30AM the next day, and it's no surprise these people feel like they're losing ground. They're obsessed with making money, processing transactions, moving human cattle through the system. In Wyoming, I had a general philosophical idea of what the Machine is; here, there's no avoiding the blunt reality that it is everything around you. It's obvious that to get anywhere here, you have to give up hope of ever getting anywhere.

I though Phoenix would feel like Tucson's big brother, but it's an entirely different species. It doesn't have the same kind of End-of-Civilization feel that Tucson has. Mainly this is because the assholes in Scottsdale who run the show have a problem with letting any building or intersection go without razing and "upgrading" for more than a decade. The whole show here is about keeping everything moving. Maybe it's overcompensating for Tucson.

[Freeky]

Things move in Tucson.  Oh my yes they do.  We've got drugs to move, guns to move, The Weird to move, hobos to move around so they're not arrested.  We got all kinds of stuff to move.  Phoenix just has thhe wrong priorities.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Things move in Tucson.  Oh my yes they do.  We've got drugs to move, guns to move, The Weird to move, hobos to move around so they're not arrested.  We got all kinds of stuff to move.  Phoenix just has thhe wrong priorities.

We have to move corpses, too.

[Freeky]

Things move in Tucson.  Oh my yes they do.  We've got drugs to move, guns to move, The Weird to move, hobos to move around so they're not arrested.  We got all kinds of stuff to move.  Phoenix just has thhe wrong priorities.

We have to move corpses, too.

Well yes, doesn't everybody?