Author Topic: Eris and the Zen Master  (Read 6032 times)

Irreverend Hugh, KSC

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Eris and the Zen Master
« on: May 12, 2003, 11:54:41 pm »
There was a certain Zen master who liked to beat his students while verbally assaulting them. Thus, like est-training, thousands of students flocked to him to be abused, believing such self-abnegation to be a positive step towards awakening. One particular day while slapping the proverbial daylights out of one of his literal students, the wooden staff he was using shattered into red powder with a resemblance to cayenne pepper. The poor student was unconscious by this point. There was a blinding flash of light and the master fell to the ground while choking on the cayenne fumes. He heard a beautiful women’s voice.
“ Now look. You’re going to have to stop all this I’m-a-master-and-am-holier-than-thou-beating crap. I’m getting tired of all these pleas for help.”
“What?…Who are you?”
“Oh, not this again. I’m Eris. Remember me? Or do I have to run that spiel by you again?”
“Eris? But you’re not real.”
“Than why am I talking with you now? Why did I come to you during that traffic jam last month? Do you think it was just to make sure your car overheated and broke down? No. There was another reason.”
“But I don’t believe in you. I didn’t call on you.”
“Oh dear. Do we have to go through this nonsense again? Do you think I need you to believe in me in order to exist? But I’m not here to give you a lesson in thealogy. I warned you before that I’d have to do something drastic if you didn’t stop the beatings. Some of my followers were dumb enough to try your training for whatever sick reasons. And you and I have already been through the rest. It was funny for a minute but now I’m putting a stop to it.”
The Zen master stood up with a look of vehemence and gazed upon the most beautiful women he ever saw. Instead of an act or a word of reverence, or even questions as to where to find golden apples, he shouted “I don’t have to take any crap from a girl!”
   Eris smiled and lightning struck the master. There was a scream as he burned up. The smoke sweetly filled the area with the fragrance of clove cigarettes.
   The scream awoke the aforementioned unconscious student who was also, unbeknown to the master, a Discordian pope. He looked up at the radiant face of Eris and smiled.
   “Now, Reverend Moonshine, I hope this teaches you a lesson. Never let someone beat the crap out of you, unless that’s what you want. And stay away from nuts who believe themselves to be masters, unless they entertain you. And…the last thing you’ll have to figure out for yourself.”
   At that, She vanished. On the ground there was powdered cayenne pepper, for making chili dogs, and a pile of clove cigarettes over a great scorch mark. One was lit. He picked it up and inhaled, basking in the afterglow of surviving a beating and seeing one’s Goddess. He never saw the master again. Nor did he ask questions about it. But a few months later he did start the Survivors of Evangelical Zen Buddhist Ritual Abuse Cabal.
"Time for the tin-foil hats, girls and boys!"

zenji

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Eris and the Zen Master
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2003, 05:59:28 pm »
Those who smoke it do not know it!
Those who know it do not smoke it! 8)
Yong Maeng Jong Jin

Irreverend Hugh, KSC

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Eris and the Zen Master
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2003, 11:38:18 pm »
fnord?
"Time for the tin-foil hats, girls and boys!"

zenji

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Eris and the Zen Master
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2003, 10:15:46 pm »
Hmmm.................

Yong Maeng Jong Jin

zenji

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« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2003, 02:50:07 pm »
There was a real Zen master who put together a poem called "Sandokai"....in its lines are the words


"Phenomena exist like box and lid closing,
Principles accord like arrow points meeting."

And seeing as arrow points never actually meet, (but only do so in Zen-myths and mysticism) the Zen element of Erisism is..............
Yong Maeng Jong Jin

Irreverend Hugh, KSC

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Eris and the Zen Master
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2003, 12:01:12 am »
"Clinging is to insist on being someone"
           --Nagarjuna (Stephen Batchelor translation of 'Verses)

Have you read Nagarjuna's "Central Verses", they are like a Zen thunderclap with only one hand...or something to that effect. Very wise. I recommend the work. Here are some more quotes--

"Fixations spawn thoughts
That provoke compulsive acts-
Emptiness stops fixations."

and then Stephen Batchelor's "To be empty is to no longer be full of oneself."

I am humbled and amazed.
"Time for the tin-foil hats, girls and boys!"

Official

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Eris and the Zen Master
« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2003, 03:54:01 am »
LOL
Official Guest, Pirate, Ninja, Bastard, and Shit-Stirrer, at your service. (Purple Monkey Cabal)

zenji

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Eris and the Zen Master
« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2003, 04:02:42 pm »
In the Zendo
When all the coughing ceased
All sound ceased.


Yong Maeng Jong Jin

Irreverend Hugh, KSC

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Eris and the Zen Master
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2004, 08:44:42 am »
There was a master who lay dying. His students had gathered around him so that they could hear his last words. It was a custom then that masters would leave profound wisdom teachings to their students before the point of death.
"Master, please leave us with a profound teaching so that we may carry on our dharma practice."
To which he replied, "I don't want to die."
"We know master. But could at least leave us with a reflection upon the nature of reality so that we can realize your teachings."
The master replied "I really don't want to die."
This perplexed his students even more as they realized their master was slipping away quickly.
"Please, master. Leave us with some word on the ultimate nature of reality so that we may attain buddha-nature as you have."
The master looked upon the faces of his eager students.
"I really, really don't want to die." And then the master closed his eyes and died.
"Time for the tin-foil hats, girls and boys!"

zenji

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Eris and the Zen Master
« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2004, 08:42:04 am »
Eno
Yong Maeng Jong Jin

Horab Fibslager

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Eris and the Zen Master
« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2004, 04:30:55 pm »
the sound of one hand clapping is _____.


to truly learn and master the art fo zen, one must make 600000 plasatic teddy bears in 12 hours, for 40 hours a week.


when oen truly learns the art of zen, one wishes only for b33r, and for women. the zen master knows the truth of that which is more enlightening.
Hell is other people.

zenji

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« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2004, 06:05:22 pm »
Quote from: horab
the sound of one hand clapping is _____.


to truly learn and master the art fo zen, one must make 600000 plasatic teddy bears in 12 hours, for 40 hours a week.


when oen truly learns the art of zen, one wishes only for b33r, and for women. the zen master knows the truth of that which is more enlightening.


horab........................but to know that is to know of "something", and that is to cling to some idea.


Seek out the poems associated with the Ten Bulls, and then the descriptive stories that elaborate their meaning.

Some say he was a pisshead.............some say he wa a Zen Master!
Yong Maeng Jong Jin

Horab Fibslager

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« Reply #12 on: January 30, 2004, 04:47:15 am »
to know nothing is surely less true than to know something? who clings to the tao most but the newborn babe?


the idea is bullshit, there is only laughter and merriment, and the sound of tenthousand monekys singing karaoke.

for surely whatever idea one had was thrown out the window when the ghouls and ghosts pour open the flasks and kegs of veritablility and the midnight choir sings the hymn of aum like a hundred throusand monkeys singing karaoke.
Hell is other people.

Trollax

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Eris and the Zen Master
« Reply #13 on: January 30, 2004, 05:46:23 am »
Quote from: zenji
In the Zendo
When all the coughing ceased
All sound ceased.




Finally summer
Flu season at last over
Thanks to benadryl

zenji

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Eris and the Zen Master
« Reply #14 on: January 30, 2004, 06:49:02 pm »
Quote from: Joinee St. Trollax, ODD
Quote from: zenji
In the Zendo
When all the coughing ceased
All sound ceased.




Finally summer
Flu season at last over
Thanks to benadryl



*Waves rather long staff in Joinee's direction*


Post that in the Haiku thread PLEASE!
Yong Maeng Jong Jin