Broken Time in Fat City, part I: It's What You Asked For, Why Are You Crying?

[Jasper]

I read this over breakfast, and now it's lodged in my medulla, fucking with my homeostatic functions.

[LMNO]

It’s summer in Tucson again, and the rot has set in.  The City is turning baby-shit brown with dust, just another layer of filth that is slowly but surely fossilizing us all.  There’s no escaping it...This is, after all, Tucson; the City where dreams come to die.

But don’t you worry about me.  I am so raged-filled & stressed out that the lassitude cannot touch me.  My heels itch and my fists spontaneously ball up every time I slow down, and my lungs have become accustomed to not having enough air to breathe.

Even Knuckles says I’m an ornery bastard these days, but what of it?  The constant drag of my profession - the daily horror of being Doktor Howl - has turned my nerves to glass and my skin to pure iron.  If I exhaled hard enough, I could be used as a vacuum tube in one of those old radios.

But what Knuckles doesn’t understand is that this is the perfect condition to be in, for doing SCIENCE to people.  He’ll learn, though, he’ll learn.  He has the potential for being the best Igor any Scientist ever had, even if he hasn’t got a club foot and a hunchback.  He refuses to lisp, but it’s not like I’m paying him, right? 

That’s right, Knuckles, you just fetch me the raw material, and I’ll do the rest.  If it looks like I’m about to go all Chainsaw Billy, well that’s just the coffee and/or bourbon talking.  Coffee and bourbon fuel SCIENCE, and don’t let anyone tell you different.  I am, after all, a Doktor, and these are grim days.

I don’t think I need to once again go over the litany of problems from the past, present, and future that plague us...Nor do I have anything but mocking laughter for the people who demanded a police state, and are now angry & scared about it.  Learn to love the backscatter pervert machines at the airports, peasants.  Learn to love the casual beatings dished out for dancing in public, “demonstrating” at the Jefferson Memorial, and just having the wrong skin color in the wrong state.  YOU fucking howled for this shit, YOU made this bed, now YOU lie in it.  I spit on you all.

Oh, yes...You have flung yourselves back into the past, back into the days of kings (even if you call them “elected leaders”, the practical difference is nil), back into the days of the “Captains of Industry” (sometimes called “robber barons”), you have lowered your pants and shat all over every man & woman that slaved and died over the last century to give you a better life, and now you’re getting what you deserve.  Muhaha!

And you’ve brought yourself a bit of the future too, haven’t you?  Mighty strange weather this year...The same patterns that have given us such a nice mild spring have locked you all in a frozen hell turned sodden and storm-wracked.  SCIENCE warned you, but you preferred to listen to tame prostitutes with degrees - funded by big industry - who told you that everything was just fine.  SCIENCE warned you that species diversification is necessary, but that we’re losing species at an alarming rate, but you chose to listen to appeal to ridicule arguments by paid whores on AM radio.  YOU made this hell, now YOU freeze in it.

Worst of all, you have allowed yourselves to be taught that SCIENCE cannot be trusted, that you have to “think with your gut” (as one comedian once said, from the White House podium), that centuries of study can be replaced by wink from some bimbo from Alaska.

Time’s broken, and you bastards broke it.  I’m just going to spend the next few years documenting the results...Not that there’ll be anyone to read it, necessarily, but because SCIENCE demands it.  It also demands the hilarity, the laugh-until-your-guts-bleed fun that I have planned over the next few months. 

It’s just my little way of helping you enjoy all the things you pleaded for, demanded, and then finally received.

I hope you choke on it.

Okay for now.

Bumping OP for new page.

[The Commander]

You forgot cookies & pie, stabbity stabbity.

Not sure why the fuck I bother, to be honest.

 

Talking about The Commander's posts.

There's nothing that fills me with hate faster than pounding out a rant NOT meant for Apple Talk, and then having some pineal fuckwit shit on it.

Ah yes, I understand your pain!!!  But hey, it does help your actual point in the rant right?

Yes, I suppose there's that.  It's still a pain in the ass, though.  I mean, it's a deliberate slap in the face.

I've given The Commander a lot of leeway, because he's one of the old school crowd, but this is the end of the fucking line.

Ok...didn't mean to press your buttons dude.

What do you want me to say?  It's certainly a well written rant...but that's nothing new to you.  Surely you don't want me to kiss your ass and praise you for how great a writer you are and how justified you are in your anger.  You don't need that shit from me.  You already know it.

But you also know I'm not the type to intentionally be an ass and try to get some lulz by telling you its a piece of shit and trying to pick a philosophical fight with you that even I don't believe.

So I go right for the punch-line and the pie and the sillyness.  Sorry if this comes across as me being a dick. Totally not my intention.

[Doktor Howl]

Done for today.

[Precious Moments Zalgo]

What do you want me to say?

You could try intelligently discussing the content of Roger's awesome, well-written rant, like an adult.

Or, you could just say nothing.  That's what I say when I read a great post, but don't have anything constructive to add to the thread.

How would you feel if you put a lot of thought and energy into writing something serious, and people just come along and shit all over it with silliness?

[Precious Moments Zalgo]

It’s summer in Tucson again, and the rot has set in.  The City is turning baby-shit brown with dust, just another layer of filth that is slowly but surely fossilizing us all.  There’s no escaping it...This is, after all, Tucson; the City where dreams come to die.

But don’t you worry about me.  I am so raged-filled & stressed out that the lassitude cannot touch me.  My heels itch and my fists spontaneously ball up every time I slow down, and my lungs have become accustomed to not having enough air to breathe.

Even Knuckles says I’m an ornery bastard these days, but what of it?  The constant drag of my profession - the daily horror of being Doktor Howl - has turned my nerves to glass and my skin to pure iron.  If I exhaled hard enough, I could be used as a vacuum tube in one of those old radios.

But what Knuckles doesn’t understand is that this is the perfect condition to be in, for doing SCIENCE to people.  He’ll learn, though, he’ll learn.  He has the potential for being the best Igor any Scientist ever had, even if he hasn’t got a club foot and a hunchback.  He refuses to lisp, but it’s not like I’m paying him, right? 

That’s right, Knuckles, you just fetch me the raw material, and I’ll do the rest.  If it looks like I’m about to go all Chainsaw Billy, well that’s just the coffee and/or bourbon talking.  Coffee and bourbon fuel SCIENCE, and don’t let anyone tell you different.  I am, after all, a Doktor, and these are grim days.

I don’t think I need to once again go over the litany of problems from the past, present, and future that plague us...Nor do I have anything but mocking laughter for the people who demanded a police state, and are now angry & scared about it.  Learn to love the backscatter pervert machines at the airports, peasants.  Learn to love the casual beatings dished out for dancing in public, “demonstrating” at the Jefferson Memorial, and just having the wrong skin color in the wrong state.  YOU fucking howled for this shit, YOU made this bed, now YOU lie in it.  I spit on you all.

Oh, yes...You have flung yourselves back into the past, back into the days of kings (even if you call them “elected leaders”, the practical difference is nil), back into the days of the “Captains of Industry” (sometimes called “robber barons”), you have lowered your pants and shat all over every man & woman that slaved and died over the last century to give you a better life, and now you’re getting what you deserve.  Muhaha!

And you’ve brought yourself a bit of the future too, haven’t you?  Mighty strange weather this year...The same patterns that have given us such a nice mild spring have locked you all in a frozen hell turned sodden and storm-wracked.  SCIENCE warned you, but you preferred to listen to tame prostitutes with degrees - funded by big industry - who told you that everything was just fine.  SCIENCE warned you that species diversification is necessary, but that we’re losing species at an alarming rate, but you chose to listen to appeal to ridicule arguments by paid whores on AM radio.  YOU made this hell, now YOU freeze in it.

Worst of all, you have allowed yourselves to be taught that SCIENCE cannot be trusted, that you have to “think with your gut” (as one comedian once said, from the White House podium), that centuries of study can be replaced by wink from some bimbo from Alaska.

Time’s broken, and you bastards broke it.  I’m just going to spend the next few years documenting the results...Not that there’ll be anyone to read it, necessarily, but because SCIENCE demands it.  It also demands the hilarity, the laugh-until-your-guts-bleed fun that I have planned over the next few months. 

It’s just my little way of helping you enjoy all the things you pleaded for, demanded, and then finally received.

I hope you choke on it.

Okay for now.

I am glad that the monkeys are getting exactly what they've been screaming for.  I only wish it didn't also affect me.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Okay, just to clarify:  It takes a certain mood to write horrorology, and the cookies & pie shit kills it.  

So it's not a matter of being pissy, it's a matter of being knocked out of the zone.  I am asking nicely, please limit that shit to other areas of the board.  Mittens and praise are not the object, here.  The object is to get on a streak and stay there as long as possible.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I am glad that the monkeys are getting exactly what they've been screaming for.  I only wish it didn't also affect me.

You can only really appreciate it first hand.  You don't want to miss out, do you?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

What do you want me to say?

You could try intelligently discussing the content of Roger's awesome, well-written rant, like an adult.

Or, you could just say nothing.  That's what I say when I read a great post, but don't have anything constructive to add to the thread.

How would you feel if you put a lot of thought and energy into writing something serious, and people just come along and shit all over it with silliness?

This.

[The Commander]

Okay, just to clarify:  It takes a certain mood to write horrorology, and the cookies & pie shit kills it.  

So it's not a matter of being pissy, it's a matter of being knocked out of the zone.  I am asking nicely, please limit that shit to other areas of the board.  Mittens and praise are not the object, here.  The object is to get on a streak and stay there as long as possible.

Ok..chastisement well deserved and accepted.

Sorry bro.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Okay, just to clarify:  It takes a certain mood to write horrorology, and the cookies & pie shit kills it.  

So it's not a matter of being pissy, it's a matter of being knocked out of the zone.  I am asking nicely, please limit that shit to other areas of the board.  Mittens and praise are not the object, here.  The object is to get on a streak and stay there as long as possible.

Ok..chastisement well deserved and accepted.

Sorry bro.

S'ok.

[Phox]

I think tomorrow will be a good day for unleashing SCIENCE! on my neighbors. Oh my, yes...

Doktor Phox,
There's SCIENCE! to be done.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Science, at this point, has the momentum of a fucking tractor trailer with no brakes careening down a mountain with a guy behind the wheel who does more drugs than Hunter S. Thompson in his glory years and fancies himself to be Dale Earnhardt.

But it might be fun to help it along anyway. 

Great rant. Not kissing ass. Just sayin'.

[Jenne]

They whine because they're too spoiled NOT to.  I think that's the conclusion I've come to.  The costs of "monkey magic" as I'm coming to think of this current day and age are inevitable yet for some reason most REFUSE to acknowledge them.

And then the assholes have the gall to expect us to NOT shove it in their faces.