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Fucked Up Mailing List 2011: Round 2

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, June 09, 2011, 08:35:45 PM

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Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.

Quote from: LMNO, PhD on June 14, 2011, 01:03:55 PM
When I read "nothing is true; everything is on fire", I shat myself with laughter.

Response forthcoming.

I think that may be my new motto.

The boyfriend dropped my reply into the mailbox after he dropped me off at work today, Roger. EET EESE ENROUTE.
Weevil-Infested Badfun Wrongsex Referee From The 9th Earth
Slick and Deranged Wombat of Manhood Questioning
Hulking Dormouse of Lust and DESPAIR™
Gatling Geyser of Rainbow AIDS

"The only way we can ever change anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy." - Akala  'Find No Enemy'.

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 15, 2011, 01:27:22 AM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on June 14, 2011, 01:03:55 PM
When I read "nothing is true; everything is on fire", I shat myself with laughter.

Response forthcoming.

I think that may be my new motto.

The boyfriend dropped my reply into the mailbox after he dropped me off at work today, Roger. EET EESE ENROUTE.

Outstanding.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Doktor Howl

Dear Doktor Squid,

I'd like to congratulate you on your self-restraint when exposed to those Belgians.  I know you Southern-types are genetically predisposed to shoot foreigners, so I was pleasantly surprised to learn that they escaped your clutches unharmed (at least physically)...Especially given the dire consequences of such restraint.

As legend has it, the last Southerner to let a foreigner go was one Bubba-Joe Dixon, who in a drunken haze had polite conversation with a Frenchman, and allowed him to leave unmolested.  Poor Bubba was haunted into his grave by the ghost of Jefferson Davis, who kept appearing behind him every time he looked in a mirror.  Unable to shave, Bubba eventually was asphyxiated by his own sideburns, which grew around his neck.

Horrible, horrible.

But we are learned folks, Doktor Squid, and we put no stock in such mummery.  We know that ghosts don't really exist, and therefore do not haunt mirrors.  Giant insects in the toilet, maybe, but certainly no ghosts in reflective surfaces.

We also know that cities aren't haunted, even if they are built on thick stacks of bones.  Tucson, for example, may SEEM haunted, but that's just because there's so much Dumb here.  We have so much Dumb, in fact, that we have begun to bottle it and ship it to teabaggers all over the country, in hopes of revitalizing their flagging demonstration turn-outs.  No worries, though, as Dumb is an infinite resource, and more flows down from Phoenix just as fast as we can bottle it.

We've found that if we DON'T export some of it, even the police start texting while driving, and the city council makes enormous blunders, such as buying new trolleys that don't actually fit on the tracks quite right, and result in horrible accidents.  No fatalities yet, but I have faith.

Speaking of which, how are you guys doing down there?  You need any bottles of Dumb?  We're practically giving it away, here.  For a low, low price, you too can have a governor like Jan Brewer, and people who faithfully signal left before making a right turn.  Oddly enough, the population doesn't seem to shrink, no matter how many horrible fatalities result from driving while on this stuff.  We have it in 5 gallon pails and 55 gallon drums, ready for your order.

Who are we?

And if that doesn't interest you, sell us your husband.  We have need of subjects for some new SCIENCE we want to try out.  Our credit is good.  We have sold many pairs of shattered panties on E-Bay, and we're floating in cash.  There's a better than average chance you'll get him back, though not in "factory condition".  Especially if he struggles (after the infamous "pink glove" incident, we have taken to feeding the subjects pre-roofied beer). 

And when he returns, he will be the model husband, compliant in every way, though you may need to put a ball gag in his mouth(s), as he may occasionally scream every five fucking minutes in his sleep every night.  All new attachments should fall off on their own within two weeks or so, and if they don't, why we'll just send Nurse Fracture and Nurse Enabler down with the extraction tools and some gauze. 

And there's no charge for the extra orifices and/or cranial piercings.  Give me a ring, and we'll arrange all the details.  Act now, this is a limited time offer (as our procedure may or may not be legislated when the nosy tards up in Phoenix start wondering where all the sideshow freaks are coming from.).

It is very difficult to explain the frustrations of attempting SCIENCE in a state run by religious whackjobs who don't understand the scientific process, who don't realize that it is sometimes necessary to propel chinchillas into traffic.  Did anybody bitch at Schroedinger when he might have killed some cats in that box of his?  They should have looked in the box a minute early, by the way, to see if they could catch the universe cheating, red-handed.  They never listen.  It pains me.

And did anyone complain when Albert Einstein used bunny rabbits to prove that matter and energy were the same thing?  No, we were a hardier people then, and exploded rabbits didn't get people all riled up.  If he tried that today, he'd be up to his arse in screaming hippies and PETA freaks.

This country is going to the dogs, I tell ya.  When an honest scientist can't go about his business doing SCIENCE to things, you know we're sliding back into the mud.  Well, I warned you all, and now you'll be at the mercy of the teabaggers, who want your kids to understand that chemistry works because Baby Jesus says so, and that a god intentionally designed us like this.

You never hear of the Chinese having problems like this, and they do SCIENCE to people every damn day...And we call ourselves a "free people".

Well, that's enough ranting.  Box your husband up (do NOT forget the air holes, that's really important), and ship him to my return address.  Nurse Fracture has a particularly interesting new implant that she wants to try out, that will allow your husband to listen to Clay Aiken twenty-four hours/day.  The possibilities are staggering.  The defense department is going to be all over this shit, for when they do SCIENCE to people at Camp X-Ray...And, soon enough, in a town near you!

Okay for now,
Dok

PS:  Also, if you send him bulk rate, you'll want to throw in a 4 pound bag of dog food and a couple of gallon jugs of water.  The post office here is not precisely the model of alacrity, and if he shows up dead, we won't honor the invoice.

Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

Dear Horrible Pokey Thing of Forbidden Knowledge,

I hope you and Terry are well, and recovering from the horrible afflictions that you both have been suffering from.  I say this for I, too, am afflicted...Or so I am told.  My new neighbors are moving to the other side of the subdivision, citing odd howling and bloodcurdling shrieks at all hours.  It is worth noting that they have no children, so it may be assumed that they're doin' it wrong.

Back when we were kids, Charley, you never heard complaints like this.  We all lived in the forest, and nobody lived anywhere else, so we had to learn to get along, learn to accept each others' eccentricities for the mere human foibles they were.

But no more.  Now if there's a ghastly series of screams at 2 AM, they gossip & call the police.  The police, of course, are never happy to call on my house, as the door usually opens to reveal the results of SCIENCE being done on someone (Yours truly, normally).  You try to explain, but they just look disgusted and stagger back to their squad car, retching warnings about noise violations. 

Sometimes I try to get them to look into the neighbor's barking-ass chihuahuas, but they just call me names and leave.

My local police, it seems, are just not serious about having a good time.  They are not aware that behind every great man is a woman with an enormous, electrical strap-on.  Well, to hell with them...They may not approve of innovative new uses for alcohol, but there is at the moment no law against this sort of thing, so let them scramble back into their cars and screech away, obstensibly to answer another call...But we know better, you and I.  They are lesser men, and Ben Franklin & Lenny Bruce would kick their arses and leave them on the pavement as an example to others.   

The whole town of Oro Valley is like this.  Why, just last week, my daughter was hurling dog shit over the cliff onto the golf course, and some bloated jackass walking his dogs called her a "stupid bitch".  My daughter laughed, of course, and pointed out to the man that one of his dogs was at that very moment crapping on the fairway.  Then she flung a particularly large chunk of love his way.  He dodged, and threatened to kick her ass.  She just laughed and pointed out that his fat ass wasn't coming up that cliff, and that was he able to manage it, why that would be a 50 year old man trying to get at a 15 year old girl.  She explained the perverts' list, and the fact that we are armed like Fort Knox.

He swore at her some more, which just set her laughing harder, as she used her phone to take pics of his dog shitting on the fairway.  He left, and hasn't said a word to any of us, on any of his daily walks through the golf course.

See what I mean?  They just don't have it in them, Charley.  They just don't have the mud in their eye or the sand in their craw for this sort of business.  It's revolting, I tell you.  This ain't America, and America™ won't make the nut.

They are pigfuckers one and all, Charley, and they have forgotten the faces of Hank & Johnny...If they ever knew them.   Hank & Johnny understood that having a good time was really the point of it all.  They sang about it, but very few listened.

And now they listen to sad-sack shit by bands like "Aphex Twin" and "My Chemical Romance", and they cower when the police draw near.  Instead of "I WILL KILL A MOTHERFUCKER", they say "Please leave me alone with my misery". 

Well, we're not here to leave them alone, are we?  No, Charley, as the official resident Horrible Old Men, it is our job to remind them that Saturday Night means more than yet another marathon X-Box session.  It is our job to remind them that, yeah, bourbon only makes things worse, but that's how things are done, here.  How things are managed, downtown, 

This is in fact how we take it to THE WALL.  Cheap booze, rock n roll, irresponsible handling of firearms, and unnatural acts with our significant other(s), or anyone else who wanders within arm's reach.

We have no time for politics, because there's no such thing, anymore.  There are two collections of howler monkeys, screeching the exact same policies past each other.

GAH!  This coffee tastes like ass!  It tastes like it was run through a fucking cow first.  The new guy is going to have to do a lot better than this awful shit, or it's going to be rough for him.  Telling ya, it's fucking intolerable. 

Anyway, where was I?  Oh, yeah...You and I, Charley, are anachronisms.  Just two hideous old men that understood the Wild West, and the way things were supposed to be.  We are dinosaurs, surrounded by monkeys with a built-in failure circuit.  It is up to us to set the example for others, by being ourselves until they gun us down like dogs for no good reason.

I mean, was either one of us born to die in bed?  Hell, no.  We were meant to go down guns blazing, just two against hundreds of Federales and US Marshalls, having been finally tracked down for crimes that the newspapers won't publish, not even the tabloids.  The editors will just look all sick inside and tell their staff to leave it be, for the good of the nation, to merely report that the insane old bastards are finally done for.

It's what John "Anything for a Laugh" Dillinger would do, had he been given the chance to get old.  Beats the hell out of "assisted living", anyhow.

Okay for now,
Dok
Molon Lube

Jenne

Oh Fuck Yeah.  Love that one to Hawk.  :D  Hee hee.  He must've loved it.

Adios

Quote from: Jenne on June 20, 2011, 02:51:36 PM
Oh Fuck Yeah.  Love that one to Hawk.  :D  Hee hee.  He must've loved it.

Oh! He did!

Jenne


Adios

Dear Roger,

It was with humor that I noticed the envelope carrying your letter had been opened prior to being received by myself. I am not sure if this was on my end or yours, but I did want to give you a heads up in case.

Doktor Howl

Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 03:07:16 PM
Dear Roger,

It was with humor that I noticed the envelope carrying your letter had been opened prior to being received by myself. I am not sure if this was on my end or yours, but I did want to give you a heads up in case.

:lulz:

Also, everyone remember that I am updating the list in the OP.  Today, I'm writing to BDS and Jenne.  I would have done it already, but this "weekend" has been a bitch.
Molon Lube

Jenne

Sounds like you didn't get a weekend, Dude.  :(  That sucks.  :(

Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.

Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 03:07:16 PM
Dear Roger,

It was with humor that I noticed the envelope carrying your letter had been opened prior to being received by myself. I am not sure if this was on my end or yours, but I did want to give you a heads up in case.

Oh my god. Can you fathom what whoever opened it thought when s/he read that letter? There is some poor idiot curled in the fetal position and frothing at the mouth, trying to make sense of that letter.
Weevil-Infested Badfun Wrongsex Referee From The 9th Earth
Slick and Deranged Wombat of Manhood Questioning
Hulking Dormouse of Lust and DESPAIR™
Gatling Geyser of Rainbow AIDS

"The only way we can ever change anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy." - Akala  'Find No Enemy'.

Doktor Howl

Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 20, 2011, 07:31:12 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 03:07:16 PM
Dear Roger,

It was with humor that I noticed the envelope carrying your letter had been opened prior to being received by myself. I am not sure if this was on my end or yours, but I did want to give you a heads up in case.

Oh my god. Can you fathom what whoever opened it thought when s/he read that letter? There is some poor idiot curled in the fetal position and frothing at the mouth, trying to make sense of that letter.

Serves the nosy bastards right.   :lulz:
Molon Lube

Adios

Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 07:39:17 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 20, 2011, 07:31:12 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 03:07:16 PM
Dear Roger,

It was with humor that I noticed the envelope carrying your letter had been opened prior to being received by myself. I am not sure if this was on my end or yours, but I did want to give you a heads up in case.

Oh my god. Can you fathom what whoever opened it thought when s/he read that letter? There is some poor idiot curled in the fetal position and frothing at the mouth, trying to make sense of that letter.

Serves the nosy bastards right.   :lulz:

:lulz:

I hope they open the response as well.

Doktor Howl

Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 08:43:30 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 07:39:17 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 20, 2011, 07:31:12 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 03:07:16 PM
Dear Roger,

It was with humor that I noticed the envelope carrying your letter had been opened prior to being received by myself. I am not sure if this was on my end or yours, but I did want to give you a heads up in case.

Oh my god. Can you fathom what whoever opened it thought when s/he read that letter? There is some poor idiot curled in the fetal position and frothing at the mouth, trying to make sense of that letter.

Serves the nosy bastards right.   :lulz:

:lulz:

I hope they open the response as well.

Possibility:  I am using crappy envelopes, that require a bit of scotch tape to keep closed.  Some bored geek at the post office may have found that suspicious.

Drat.  Now my cocaine-smuggling operation is ruined.  RUINED!

I could have smuggled as much as a twentieth of an ounce per letter!
Molon Lube

Adios

Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 08:46:09 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 08:43:30 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 07:39:17 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 20, 2011, 07:31:12 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 03:07:16 PM
Dear Roger,

It was with humor that I noticed the envelope carrying your letter had been opened prior to being received by myself. I am not sure if this was on my end or yours, but I did want to give you a heads up in case.

Oh my god. Can you fathom what whoever opened it thought when s/he read that letter? There is some poor idiot curled in the fetal position and frothing at the mouth, trying to make sense of that letter.

Serves the nosy bastards right.   :lulz:

:lulz:

I hope they open the response as well.

Possibility:  I am using crappy envelopes, that require a bit of scotch tape to keep closed.  Some bored geek at the post office may have found that suspicious.

Drat.  Now my cocaine-smuggling operation is ruined.  RUINED!

I could have smuggled as much as a twentieth of an ounce per letter!

:lulz: