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So essentially, the enemy of my enemy is not my friend, he's just another moronic, entitled turd in the bucket.

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Fucked Up Mailing List 2011: Round 2

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, June 09, 2011, 08:35:45 PM

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BadBeast

 
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 08:53:49 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 08:46:09 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 08:43:30 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 07:39:17 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 20, 2011, 07:31:12 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 03:07:16 PM
Dear Roger,

It was with humor that I noticed the envelope carrying your letter had been opened prior to being received by myself. I am not sure if this was on my end or yours, but I did want to give you a heads up in case.

Oh my god. Can you fathom what whoever opened it thought when s/he read that letter? There is some poor idiot curled in the fetal position and frothing at the mouth, trying to make sense of that letter.

Serves the nosy bastards right.   :lulz:

:lulz:

I hope they open the response as well.

Possibility:  I am using crappy envelopes, that require a bit of scotch tape to keep closed.  Some bored geek at the post office may have found that suspicious.

Drat.  Now my cocaine-smuggling operation is ruined.  RUINED!

I could have smuggled as much as a twentieth of an ounce per letter!

:lulz:
You could try printing a small letterhead on the front of the envelope, saying "The Giggles Foundation".  The nosy fuckers wouldn't  open it then.  :vom:
"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

Luna

Quote from: BadBeast on June 20, 2011, 10:24:06 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 08:53:49 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 08:46:09 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 08:43:30 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 07:39:17 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 20, 2011, 07:31:12 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 03:07:16 PM
Dear Roger,

It was with humor that I noticed the envelope carrying your letter had been opened prior to being received by myself. I am not sure if this was on my end or yours, but I did want to give you a heads up in case.

Oh my god. Can you fathom what whoever opened it thought when s/he read that letter? There is some poor idiot curled in the fetal position and frothing at the mouth, trying to make sense of that letter.

Serves the nosy bastards right.   :lulz:

:lulz:

I hope they open the response as well.

Possibility:  I am using crappy envelopes, that require a bit of scotch tape to keep closed.  Some bored geek at the post office may have found that suspicious.

Drat.  Now my cocaine-smuggling operation is ruined.  RUINED!

I could have smuggled as much as a twentieth of an ounce per letter!

:lulz:
You could try printing a small letterhead on the front of the envelope, saying "The Giggles Foundation".  The nosy fuckers wouldn't  open it then.  :vom:

Well...  Not TWICE, anyway.

Until I'd been here a little while, I was unaware of GIGGLES.

Then I was... I'm not sure "enlightened" is the right word, here...
Death-dealing hormone freak of deliciousness
Pagan-Stomping Valkyrie of the Interbutts™
Rampaging Slayer of Shit-Fountain Habitues

"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement."

Quote from: The Payne on November 16, 2011, 07:08:55 PM
If Luna was a furry, she'd sex humans and scream "BEASTIALITY!" at the top of her lungs at inopportune times.

Quote from: Nigel on March 24, 2011, 01:54:48 AM
I like the Luna one. She is a good one.

Quote
"Stop talking to yourself.  You don't like you any better than anyone else who knows you."

Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.

Quote from: Luna on June 20, 2011, 11:03:30 PM
Quote from: BadBeast on June 20, 2011, 10:24:06 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 08:53:49 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 08:46:09 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 08:43:30 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 07:39:17 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 20, 2011, 07:31:12 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 03:07:16 PM
Dear Roger,

It was with humor that I noticed the envelope carrying your letter had been opened prior to being received by myself. I am not sure if this was on my end or yours, but I did want to give you a heads up in case.

Oh my god. Can you fathom what whoever opened it thought when s/he read that letter? There is some poor idiot curled in the fetal position and frothing at the mouth, trying to make sense of that letter.

Serves the nosy bastards right.   :lulz:

:lulz:

I hope they open the response as well.

Possibility:  I am using crappy envelopes, that require a bit of scotch tape to keep closed.  Some bored geek at the post office may have found that suspicious.

Drat.  Now my cocaine-smuggling operation is ruined.  RUINED!

I could have smuggled as much as a twentieth of an ounce per letter!

:lulz:
You could try printing a small letterhead on the front of the envelope, saying "The Giggles Foundation".  The nosy fuckers wouldn't  open it then.  :vom:

Well...  Not TWICE, anyway.

Until I'd been here a little while, I was unaware of GIGGLES.

Then I was... I'm not sure "enlightened" is the right word, here...

I'm beginning to think 'enlightened' is a euphemism for 'traumatized'.
Weevil-Infested Badfun Wrongsex Referee From The 9th Earth
Slick and Deranged Wombat of Manhood Questioning
Hulking Dormouse of Lust and DESPAIR™
Gatling Geyser of Rainbow AIDS

"The only way we can ever change anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy." - Akala  'Find No Enemy'.

Adios

Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 20, 2011, 11:18:59 PM
Quote from: Luna on June 20, 2011, 11:03:30 PM
Quote from: BadBeast on June 20, 2011, 10:24:06 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 08:53:49 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 08:46:09 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 08:43:30 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 07:39:17 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 20, 2011, 07:31:12 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 03:07:16 PM
Dear Roger,

It was with humor that I noticed the envelope carrying your letter had been opened prior to being received by myself. I am not sure if this was on my end or yours, but I did want to give you a heads up in case.

Oh my god. Can you fathom what whoever opened it thought when s/he read that letter? There is some poor idiot curled in the fetal position and frothing at the mouth, trying to make sense of that letter.

Serves the nosy bastards right.   :lulz:

:lulz:

I hope they open the response as well.

Possibility:  I am using crappy envelopes, that require a bit of scotch tape to keep closed.  Some bored geek at the post office may have found that suspicious.

Drat.  Now my cocaine-smuggling operation is ruined.  RUINED!

I could have smuggled as much as a twentieth of an ounce per letter!

:lulz:
You could try printing a small letterhead on the front of the envelope, saying "The Giggles Foundation".  The nosy fuckers wouldn't  open it then.  :vom:

Well...  Not TWICE, anyway.

Until I'd been here a little while, I was unaware of GIGGLES.

Then I was... I'm not sure "enlightened" is the right word, here...

I'm beginning to think 'enlightened' is a euphemism for 'euthanized'.

Fixxored.

Doktor Howl

LMNO, I got your reply, and I have two things to say:

1.  THEY GOT HIM!!!!   :horrormirth:

and

2.  Arizona is not, as many people believe, a foreign nation.  Only one stamp is required to get an envelope to Tucson.  It just can't ever come back.
Molon Lube

BadBeast

Quote from: Luna on June 20, 2011, 11:03:30 PM
Quote from: BadBeast on June 20, 2011, 10:24:06 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 08:53:49 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 08:46:09 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 08:43:30 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2011, 07:39:17 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 20, 2011, 07:31:12 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on June 20, 2011, 03:07:16 PM
Dear Roger,

It was with humor that I noticed the envelope carrying your letter had been opened prior to being received by myself. I am not sure if this was on my end or yours, but I did want to give you a heads up in case.

Oh my god. Can you fathom what whoever opened it thought when s/he read that letter? There is some poor idiot curled in the fetal position and frothing at the mouth, trying to make sense of that letter.

Serves the nosy bastards right.   :lulz:

:lulz:

I hope they open the response as well.

Possibility:  I am using crappy envelopes, that require a bit of scotch tape to keep closed.  Some bored geek at the post office may have found that suspicious.

Drat.  Now my cocaine-smuggling operation is ruined.  RUINED!

I could have smuggled as much as a twentieth of an ounce per letter!

:lulz:
You could try printing a small letterhead on the front of the envelope, saying "The Giggles Foundation".  The nosy fuckers wouldn't  open it then.  :vom:

Well...  Not TWICE, anyway.

Until I'd been here a little while, I was unaware of GIGGLES.

Then I was... I'm not sure "enlightened" is the right word, here...
"Endarkened" seems more apt. Beware his threads of "endarkenment". Wherever they eventually end up you won't be needing your eyes, so the fact you clawed them out of your head in a vain attempt to unsee some of that unholy shit, doesn't seem  quite so important now. Your mood lifts a little.
"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

LMNO

Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 21, 2011, 12:49:47 AM
LMNO, I got your reply, and I have two things to say:

1.  THEY GOT HIM!!!!   :horrormirth:

and

2.  Arizona is not, as many people believe, a foreign nation.  Only one stamp is required to get an envelope to Tucson.  It just can't ever come back.

For reference:



Also,
1) The Curly that can be detained is not the true Curly.
2) The extra postage was needed due to time dilation.

Dysfunctional Cunt

I'm just so excited yet slightly nauseous, it's like the morning after christmas!!!  :lulz:  :horrormirth:  :lulz:

Hurry up mailman!!!

Cainad (dec.)

Letter: ACQUIRED

Now that's a proper way to wake up in the morning. :horrormirth:

Response will have to stew for a bit, but I think I've got the makings of an idea.

Doktor Howl

Doktor Cainad,

BASTARDS!  THEY'RE ALL BASTARDS!

Everywhere I turn, sir, it seems that I have to deal with some rabid shitneck that feels a pressing need to include me in their stupidity.  My colleagues at work are a pack of nattering fools who argue over the seating arrangements in the lifeboat, our state government is actually insane, and my town is stuffed full of Calvinist fuckbats that should be sent through a feed augur feet first.

There's no escaping it.  I can't swing a dead coyote without hitting some random jackass.  The Truth is, if you wait long enough, the whole world will show up on your doorstep, with a silly grin on their face, asking you to help them get their thumbs out of their arses.

In the real future, I'd have an orbital particle beam thingie that would let me handle this situation properly...But I am instead stuck in this miserable mockery of the future, a facade of cheap electronic toys, a facade behind which the starving masses of the world huddle, wondering where all the food went.

I mean, that's the bottom line, isn't it?  We here in Western civilization live in a bubble, a rickety, sputtering "prosperity" that requires the effort and resources of the entire world to prop up.  Make no mistake, the rest of the world isn't happy about this, and they won't miss us when we're gone.

And what of it?  I won't miss us, either.  We are using all of these resources for useless shit.  Where are our space colonies?  Our undersea cities?  What grand task have we harnessed the entire output of the world for?

Look around you...We have merely eaten it.  The final product of 66 years of global dominance is an obese population riding their mobility scooters to teabagger rallies, so they can put on their "angry town hall faces" and shriek that the uber-rich are being mistreated by the mean old tax man, and that they shouldn't get health care, because they might have to wait in line based on need.  More to the point, they'd have to wait in that line with smudgy people.

This makes me wish for the vengeful God of the Book of Isaiah to return bloody-handed and full of wrath, to visit upon the fools the judgment they have for so long been demanding.  But since the Old Testament God hasn't seen fit to do so, I am reduced to punishing them on my own, kicking the plugs out of the chargers at WalMart.  Let the fuckers walk to get their boxes of powdered donuts and buckets of processed lard.  It will do them no end of good.

I tell you, sometimes it's all I can do to get up in the morning, for I know that just outside my door, they wait.

They wait to tell me that I need Jesus, or that I need to sign their petition, or that we have to throw "Obongo" out.  They wait to hit me up for a donation, to tell me that I shouldn't be allowed to have an over-sized magazine for my guns, that we have to bubble-wrap our children in their parks & schools...When you and I know the stupid little bastards would only try to eat the bubble wrap.

Well, fuck them.  My daughter and I have fun, taking the vast piles of shit generated by our dogs, and piling them all in one mega-turd on the green of the golf course out behind the house.  We shoot golf balls out onto the fairway, to fuck the golfers up, and we bray laughter at them whenever they catch us in the act.

We are considered a public blight, a property value-destroying plague upon their little chunk of Pleasantville, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  If these fuckers liked me, I'd have to reassess the way I live my life.

The funniest part is when one of them refers to us as "liberals".  We aren't liberals, of course, because liberals have the best interests of humanity at heart.  We are misanthropes, my good man, and we don't want to help these people, or save them, or anything like that.  Mostly, I just want them to go mad and run shrieking into the desert to their doom.  I lie awake at night plotting further ways of doing this.  This may imply that I am a bad person...I am comfortable with that, for I am an instrument of the Lord, a vessel of RIGHTEOUS WRATH. 

Also, I'm an asshat.  But you knew that.

I must admit, though, that I go easier on the liberals...Most of them, anyway.  They may be hand-wringing milksops, but at least their intentions are usually good.  This doesn't mean I don't smite them, I just don't do it as hard or as often.  Also, they try to think.  They don't do it very well, but the effort is there.  I pull for them, Cainad, in the same way I'd root for 3 retarded people trying to repair a Cray II supercomputer.

But as for the rest, as for the fat fools who waddle around screaming that free speech is un-American, and that the evil "gummint" is wrecking America, and in the same breath begging that same government to torture people...Why, Cainad, there is no mercy, no limit to the horrible things that I will do to make their bad day just that much longer.

Someone's going to be PISSED by the time I die, sir, and it isn't going to be me.  No, there is some shit I will not eat, and when I fling it all back at them, I will bellow my laughter & disdain for them, as they gun me down like a dog.

Don't you wish you were me?

Okay for now,
Dok

Molon Lube

BadBeast

"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

Nephew Twiddleton

Letter acquired. Also looks like the place has been abandoned for a few days. I can only guess at the horrors that were seen here over the weekend.
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

Doktor Howl

Dear Doktor Twiddington,

Why the hell isn't everyone laughing?  This century has proven to be even funnier than the last one, hell, the jokes never stop, and everyone seems upset.  Not only that, but they're only getting what they demanded.

They wanted to trash the constitution so they could torture smudgy people and harrass at the airport those they couldn't torture.  This was done, and now everyone's complaining about the pervert machines.  They wanted to get their punishment freak on, show those dirty criminals who the boss is, and now they bitch because 6 year olds are being booked on felony charges for acting out in class.

They wanted tax cuts for the rich, and now they bitch that the debt ceiling is fucked and all of our infrastructure is falling apart.  They wanted to kick some Muslim ass, and now they're pissed because we can't seem to get our feet out of the quagmires over in various Middle Eastern & Asian nations.  And it's not like no bastard TOLD them this would happen.  Quite the contrary...They called anyone who tried to warn them "traitors".

They've gotten everything they wanted, and they're really mad about it.  It occurs to me that they should have been more careful about what they wished for.  I really fail to see how this is such a difficult concept.

I mean, you and me, we're rock n rollers.  We ask for something, and it isn't what we really wanted, we deal with it.  We know that if we stick our junk in a meat grinder and then start hollering for someone to turn the crank, it's gonna hurt.  You won't hear us bitching about it...Both because we wouldn't do something that dumb, and also because you get what you pay for.

So, yeah, I'm really puzzled at the discontent in this country right now.  Nobody's actually starving, the government does whatever stupid fucking shit we ask for, and we can have any cheap piece of shit we want, just down the road at WalMart.  And still they bitch.  It's almost like they aren't serious about having a good time.

We have to help them, Twid.  We have to show them the humor in these things, demonstrate to them with our particular brand of horse-laugh radicalism that everything is funny.  Hell, even skulls in mass graves smile, right?

Besides, it's not like they have much choice.  They got what they asked for, and now they're stuck with it.  This fills me with a glee that is difficult to properly express. 

Well, enough of that nonsense, the primates will simply have to live things, and we can at least catch a good laugh at their fat, enraged faces on the news each night.

The other thing I wanted to bring up was the bitter disappointment that I felt when you East coast spags let those Belgians go without properly teaching them about America.  There they were, right in your sites, and you let them get away without even doing SCIENCE to them.

These sorts of opportunities don't come along every day, and the least you could have done was teach them a good, sharp lesson for what they did to the Lusitania, way back in 1916.  It's not enough that they forced croissants on us, they had to torpedo a ship full of orphans, too (their recent lies about the hold being full of munitions notwithstanding).  ORPHANS, for Chrissakes.  The Hun knows nothing of civilized behavior.

In this manner, they are much like the Welsh, or even your bog-hopping kin over in Eire or Erin Go Bra or whatever the hell you people call Ireland. And don't think the civilized world has forgiven you for corned beef, either.  Who the hell eats that shit?  I mean, outside of West Virginia and Boston, I mean.  But West Virginians also eat lima beans, so you have to make allowances.

Anyway, you should have brought those European spags out West, where we could properly explain America to them, with visual aids.  And guns.  You can't really understand America without guns, booze, fast food, and the NFL.  Better yet, take 'em to Vegas and Disneyland, in that order.  Those two places embody all of America, and if you leave them on a corner in North Vegas at 2AM, they will indeed come to understand what we're all about.

You might, however, consider giving them those spiky helmets they wore back in the day, though, as North Vegas IS known for the occasional violent crime or three.

Look, there's no helping it.  Next time you get Belgians to visit, I'll have to get out there, so we can properly state our case.  Then we can all go get bombed at a Frost Heaves concert and throw up on the dance floor, like the good old days.  Like rock n rollers should do...Then go roaring down to Providence (Villager better drive, though, as you cannot be trusted with mechanical things, and I cannot be allowed to drive when all fucked up on booze & pills), and show those Swamp Yankees a thing or two about who runs the show in this country.

And when the smoke finally clears, we can show the Belgians about our jail system, which is another thing that all tourists and anthropologists should understand in detail.

Besides, I hear the Providence city jail makes a mean rat on a stick.

Okay for now,
Dok

Molon Lube

Adios

I can't remember the last time I had a decent rat-on-a-stick. What the hell has this country come to?

Eater of Clowns

I see what you meant by Diddlertown's letter.   :lol:
Quote from: Pippa Twiddleton on December 22, 2012, 01:06:36 AM
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:18:23 AM
EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.