It's okay, man.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

I'm just tired, man.

That's all.

Ignore everything I say. Write it off to hormones, whacked blood-sugar, a warped sense of humor, or brain damage from all that blunt head trauma I got as a kid. It's okay, man, I understand. My mind jumps around so fucking much sometimes I don't even know what I'm saying. I just gotta get the words out, in what ever order they'll come in, so there's room in my head to think and enough braincells free to run my lungs so I can breathe.

Yeah, I won't lie. I get overwhelmed sometimes. But it isn't really the whole laundry list what needs done that does it. It's the conflicting input from all the people who think they gotta manage and micromanage day to day life. Just step back, man, let me do my job. I got this.

But you can't 'cause you gotta be right up in there, even if it's something like feeding cows or making sandwiches. You just gotta be right up in there all the time or nothing gets done right. Maybe you don't know any other way to be. You didn't get enough words out in time and now you can't think anymore, you just react. You've forgotten how to breathe so all you can do is scream. Or bark.

At least you're the man, right? Fat paid, fancy car, everything under control; right, Mr. Smooth? Yeah. Right.

Not me. I ain't nobody. I'm not anyone. Nine times out of ten, I don't exist if you make a list of all people. I slip through the cracks. I disappear. And that bothers you. It creeps you out sometimes, when you do eventually remember. Because how could forget me? I'm the one saying all the crazy, zany things. Making you laugh. Shocking your sensibilities. Rearranging stuff in your head with ninja surreptitiousness.

I don't go anywhere, though. I'm always right here, man. Day after day, I follow the track. I like routines. I like knowing what I'm doing and where I'm going and how to get there. I'm solid. Sure, sometimes I get flakey when things get hairy. But that just makes me more human, right? Definitely not competition. Sure, you're not exactly sure if I'm trust-worthy. You don't even know why you think that, but there's something in the lizard part of your brain that warns you to watch out for me. Don't let me come up behind you because what would happen then?

You can't figure it out. I don't party. I don't do anything wild. I don't hang out with the wrong people. Shit, as far as you can tell, I don't hang out with anyone. I'm as docile and tame a person as one can be and not be a corpse. No drinking. No smoking. No piercings, tattoos, or body modifications. I won't even cut my hair or color it. I'm like a God damn Mormon or something.

But you wonder. And you look at me from the corner of your eyes when you think I can't see you. When you think I'm not paying attention because I'm working - while you're busy being the man.

You should wonder. You might want to be afraid. Because I'm tired. And it's not the "Oh, I'm short on sleep this week." tired. It's the sort of tired that builds up in your bones. It accumulates until you can't even twitch a finger to change the channel or pull a trigger or point and blame someone else. It just weighs you down, all this tired. No sleep, no pill, no energy drink can fix it. Can even dent it for more than a few days.

It's a powerful tiredness that goes beyond exhaustion and beyond apathy. Depression doesn't hold a candle to this kind of tired. 'Worn out' is 'Spring chicken' compared to this. It's a kind of tired that crushes bad days and worse weeks. It's a kind of tired that makes you wonder if even laying down and dying would ease it at all.

There's no bad-assery involved. It can't be from high times and fast living because I'll be the first to tell you, I'm that kind of Cat. Never have been. I play it safe. I don't go more than a stone-throw from 'straight and narrow'.

Maybe the ghosts that haunt me are weighing me down a little. Maybe that's bullshit. Maybe I've seen too much - or I saw too much once long ago and I just never learned to process it. Maybe I've been alive too long and for some reason haven't stopped living yet. Maybe I'm just weak, having spent my allotment of rage too early on. Hormones, brain damage, whatever it is; I'm tired.

I don't know. You don't either.

What are you going to do when I decide I'm tired of being tired?

Will being the man keep you from getting tired, too, man?

Maybe it's contagious. That's what you're afraid of.



Or Kill Me.

[Eve]

It's the sort of tired that builds up in your bones. It accumulates until you can't even twitch a finger to change the channel or pull a trigger or point and blame someone else. It just weighs you down, all this tired. No sleep, no pill, no energy drink can fix it. Can even dent it for more than a few days.

It's a powerful tiredness that goes beyond exhaustion and beyond apathy. Depression doesn't hold a candle to this kind of tired. 'Worn out' is 'Spring chicken' compared to this. It's a kind of tired that crushes bad days and worse weeks. It's a kind of tired that makes you wonder if even laying down and dying would ease it at all.

and

Maybe the ghosts that haunt me are weighing me down a little. Maybe that's bullshit. Maybe I've seen too much - or I saw too much once long ago and I just never learned to process it. Maybe I've been alive too long and for some reason haven't stopped living yet. Maybe I'm just weak, having spent my allotment of rage too early on. Hormones, brain damage, whatever it is; I'm tired.

resonate with me most. And they do it really well. Good job, CPD. Let's go find a shady tree.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

It's the sort of tired that builds up in your bones. It accumulates until you can't even twitch a finger to change the channel or pull a trigger or point and blame someone else. It just weighs you down, all this tired. No sleep, no pill, no energy drink can fix it. Can even dent it for more than a few days.

It's a powerful tiredness that goes beyond exhaustion and beyond apathy. Depression doesn't hold a candle to this kind of tired. 'Worn out' is 'Spring chicken' compared to this. It's a kind of tired that crushes bad days and worse weeks. It's a kind of tired that makes you wonder if even laying down and dying would ease it at all.

and

Maybe the ghosts that haunt me are weighing me down a little. Maybe that's bullshit. Maybe I've seen too much - or I saw too much once long ago and I just never learned to process it. Maybe I've been alive too long and for some reason haven't stopped living yet. Maybe I'm just weak, having spent my allotment of rage too early on. Hormones, brain damage, whatever it is; I'm tired.

resonate with me most. And they do it really well. Good job, CPD. Let's go find a shady tree.

I'll bring the iced tea.

[Salty]

I feel this way more often than I'd like, it increased significantly in the last two years.

This may not work for everybody but when it gets so bad that moving is difficult I find beating my body up, stripping my brain of left brain stuff (or jamming it so hard with facts, numbers, data that it all turns into goo), and/or drinking myself stupid for a day or two with nothing else to do always turns me right around.

Typically it's my body demanding extreme action. Like I said, may not be for everybody, it's one of those things that are hard to fix if you haven't found a good fix yet.

But I like to think there's always a way.

[Salty]

Though in truth my way ends up:
1.Intentionally/drunkenly make stupid choice.
2.Fix resulting problems.
3. Repeat.

[Triple Zero]

Yes, I get what you mean CPD

and Alty's solution too, it's probably different from everyone, but comparing,

- decide not to give up
- shake it loose
- continue shaking
- get up, try try try again

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

Very nice!

It's one of those, you just keep on going, the other option is just not acceptable yanno?

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Very nice!

It's one of those, you just keep on going, the other option is just not acceptable yanno?

Yeah. But damn. It would be so nice.

[Jenne]

I feel this--a lot.  But then I notice I'm also the kinda person that, when the "tired, oh so fucking TIRED" hits, something else comes along to either SURPISE!BUTTSEX! me up the ass or bitchslap me into thinking "No no, not done YET.  Keep it up!"

...like when I thought my dad's incarceration and my mom's living with us was all I could take, and then my husband says, "We could lose the house."  Or when I thought I could breathe again because she moved out and my dad was in minimum security prison in a pretty place near the sea and not that nasty ass 120'F at 9 am in the summertime desert prison near the Salton Sea anymore...and then my husband says, "Yo, I've got some autoimmune disease and I might die, in a few months."

And then my dad's out of prison after almost 7 years, and I've gone through my own health rigamarole of sigmoidoscopies, blood clots in legs, triple miscarriage...and my husband says, "I think I wanna divorce."

Yeah, I'm fucking tired.  I'm so over this life.  Fucking string my ass up backwards and inside out, because motherfucker I've already been-there-done-that.

And yet.  YET.  It's ok.  I'm chill.  Life's short--get the pleasure and lulz (wherever either are to be had) while you can.  Embrace the good, shit out the bad.  When you can afford.

I'm finding I CAN afford, and it helps.  So does the occaisional very icky Diet RockStar beverage. 

I think, in the end, I'm just gonna take the breaks WHEN they come, AS they come, and react when I need to, shit hate when it feels GOOD, and never forget that I get one shot.  Never regret nothin'.  Life's just too fucking short.

[P3nT4gR4m]

It's a powerful tiredness that goes beyond exhaustion and beyond apathy. Depression doesn't hold a candle to this kind of tired.

Kinda threw me a bit, cos that's exactly what depression is. in fact that's prolly the best description of it I've ever read. And Alty's right with the solution too. I'm feeling tired right now. Not unable to stand up off the floor - tired but "weary" if you like. I got me a plan - a week Kayaking round Harris in the outer Hebrides. I'll be beyond fucking knackered at the end of it but it'll be the good kind of tired. The warm fuzzy, "that was a fucking riot!" kinda tired. Whatever works for ya - get out there and do it.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

It's a powerful tiredness that goes beyond exhaustion and beyond apathy. Depression doesn't hold a candle to this kind of tired.

Kinda threw me a bit, cos that's exactly what depression is. in fact that's prolly the best description of it I've ever read. And Alty's right with the solution too. I'm feeling tired right now. Not unable to stand up off the floor - tired but "weary" if you like. I got me a plan - a week Kayaking round Harris in the outer Hebrides. I'll be beyond fucking knackered at the end of it but it'll be the good kind of tired. The warm fuzzy, "that was a fucking riot!" kinda tired. Whatever works for ya - get out there and do it.

That sounds like fun, man. I hope you have a great time.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

I feel this--a lot.  But then I notice I'm also the kinda person that, when the "tired, oh so fucking TIRED" hits, something else comes along to either SURPISE!BUTTSEX! me up the ass or bitchslap me into thinking "No no, not done YET.  Keep it up!"

...like when I thought my dad's incarceration and my mom's living with us was all I could take, and then my husband says, "We could lose the house."  Or when I thought I could breathe again because she moved out and my dad was in minimum security prison in a pretty place near the sea and not that nasty ass 120'F at 9 am in the summertime desert prison near the Salton Sea anymore...and then my husband says, "Yo, I've got some autoimmune disease and I might die, in a few months."

And then my dad's out of prison after almost 7 years, and I've gone through my own health rigamarole of sigmoidoscopies, blood clots in legs, triple miscarriage...and my husband says, "I think I wanna divorce."

Yeah, I'm fucking tired.  I'm so over this life.  Fucking string my ass up backwards and inside out, because motherfucker I've already been-there-done-that.

And yet.  YET.  It's ok.  I'm chill.  Life's short--get the pleasure and lulz (wherever either are to be had) while you can.  Embrace the good, shit out the bad.  When you can afford.

I'm finding I CAN afford, and it helps.  So does the occaisional very icky Diet RockStar beverage. 

I think, in the end, I'm just gonna take the breaks WHEN they come, AS they come, and react when I need to, shit hate when it feels GOOD, and never forget that I get one shot.  Never regret nothin'.  Life's just too fucking short.

Not regretting things is something I am still learning the knack of. Thanks for your words.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

I feel this way more often than I'd like, it increased significantly in the last two years.

This may not work for everybody but when it gets so bad that moving is difficult I find beating my body up, stripping my brain of left brain stuff (or jamming it so hard with facts, numbers, data that it all turns into goo), and/or drinking myself stupid for a day or two with nothing else to do always turns me right around.

Typically it's my body demanding extreme action. Like I said, may not be for everybody, it's one of those things that are hard to fix if you haven't found a good fix yet.

But I like to think there's always a way.

I think there's alway a way, too. And I hate thinking that sometimes. Sometimes it feels like part of the problem, not a solution. It just means more work, trying to find that way.

Yes, I get what you mean CPD

and Alty's solution too, it's probably different from everyone, but comparing,

- decide not to give up
- shake it loose
- continue shaking
- get up, try try try again

I wonder why it's such a hated and reviled concept - giving up.

[Salty]

We don't live in a vacuum. We live pressed up against everything else, a web of filthy, filthy matter and energy that we interact with on levels seen and unseen. Whether it's easy or hard, exhausting or energizing, it's all based on constant, evolving contact with everything else.

Giving up means letting go of all of that. Not just one or two pieces, but every single minute aspect.

There's always a way, and that can be tiring too, not in the sense that there's a way to your success or doom. There's always a way because you are always always always GOING SOMEWHERE GOD DAMMIT.

You and me and all the miserable mutant zombies out there are on the fucking RIDE and there is ONE (1) way off.

I've never been one to judge people for stepping off that ride. It is, as is so much else, their choice and choice is paramount. If it comes down to the point where I cannot handle it, the point where there really is no alternative I would end it fast, quick and easy.

But I haven't gotten to that point yet, and think that I'm pretty far off even on my darkest days.

There's one way off, but there's only one ride.

[Triple Zero]

Yes, I get what you mean CPD

and Alty's solution too, it's probably different from everyone, but comparing,

- decide not to give up
- shake it loose
- continue shaking
- get up, try try try again

I wonder why it's such a hated and reviled concept - giving up.

It's just that, not giving up keeps me going, you know?