Professing Cramulus

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I am resigning my membership in the Slack™ & Flamethrower Party, over the issue of the nomination of Professor Cramulus as the party's 2012 presidential candidate.  Under no circumstances will I have anything to do with a party that would nominate such a degenerate, much less have anything to do with the hideous prospect of the Professor actually becoming president.

Remember, this is the man who introduced the sport of Ballpipe to millions of impressionable young Americans, which has resulted in the requirement of a whole new medical specialization.  Johns Hopkins can barely keep up with the influx of children needing their gonads removed from rusty pipes and reattached. 

Granted, while the Professor has done a lot to warn the world of the evils of diabetics and cancer babies, this by no means offsets his bad acts.  The terrorization of Boston, his weird support of those people walking (whom all good Americans oppose), and his unrepentant drive-by unicycle slappings around old folk's homes, all of these things just scratch the surface.

He encourages the irresponsible use of fake mustaches by teenagers.  He has spread horrible gossip about "Bob" – specifically that the hole in "Bob's" pipe "doesn't go all the way through" – he sent the pope a holocaust greeting card (WTF?), and he has repeatedly shat on Jim Nabor's grave.

Add to all of this his "platform", as it were.  He promises a chicken in every pot, whether or not people want one.  Some people are allergic to chicken.  I find this to be very irresponsible.  He has offered 40 acres and a mule to everyone in Texas if they'll secede.  He wants to let stupid people into public libraries.  If they wanted to go to libraries, they wouldn't be stupid.  He says that he will encourage legislation requiring all Americans – male and female – to get pompadour haircuts. 

And his tax plan...Don't even get me started.  Just how the hell do you enforce a tax on AIR?  And I fail to see any advantage to the nation by giving tax relief to oil companies that plan to drill for oil in downtown Chicago (though his idea for letting them drill in oil storage areas was, admittedly, BRILLIANT).

Next, his "Get Tough on Toddler Crime" plank is nothing short of odious.  Professor Cramulus, it is hardly a felony for a 2 year old to mess in his pants.  If I recall correctly, YOU messed in your pants two years ago, and I don't see YOU banging on the prison door for admittance.

Lastly, the very idea of putting Alf Landon's face on the one dollar bill is just plain silly.

In closing, I am returning my party card.  You people make NO SENSE. 

Or Kill Me.

[navkat]

Hrmm...pompadour, you say? I think I could pull that one off. What's important is where he stands on the ISSUES. Insulin-junkies can must not be allowed to continue to corrupt our youth and put a strain on our healthcare system.

I trust him. Besides, what's a little hair gel, as long as we're SAFE?

[Cramulus]

I'm not going to bullshit you.

Professor Cramulus is not the best man for the job. His ideas are bad and wrong. If elected, he would be a tyrant and a bastard. We would all regret it.

If this post were meant to convince you that you should vote for Cramulus, this is where there'd be a BUT, and the list of the reasons you should vote for him. But like I said, I'm not going to bullshit you. Voting for Cramulus would be irresponsible and dangerous. It would mean misery for all of us.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I'm not going to bullshit you.

Obviously.  You're a professor.

Professor Cramulus is not the best man for the job. His ideas are bad and wrong. If elected, he would be a tyrant and a bastard. We would all regret it.

I already regret it.

If this post were meant to convince you that you should vote for Cramulus, this is where there'd be a BUT, and the list of the reasons you should vote for him. But like I said, I'm not going to bullshit you. Voting for Cramulus would be irresponsible and dangerous. It would mean misery for all of us.

Can't see the image.  That's the other problem with Cramulus.  All his pictures are invisible.

[navkat]

You completely fail to understand the needs of our society.

What matters now is fiscal responsibility and the proper education of our youth. Without His Proffessorship's vice-like hold on the purse strings and progress-oriented policies on the Military Education Complex that's draining us dry, I'm afraid our dearest customs and traditions are at stake.

What we need now, more than ever is a return to the austere forebearance of so many Great Men who have come before Prof. Cram. We need to turn air-hockey table time into kitchen-table time...for our children...and their children.

Anything else is just downright irresponsible.

[Phox]

I'm not going to bullshit you.

Professor Cramulus is not the best man for the job. His ideas are bad and wrong. If elected, he would be a tyrant and a bastard. We would all regret it.

If this post were meant to convince you that you should vote for Cramulus, this is where there'd be a BUT, and the list of the reasons you should vote for him. But like I said, I'm not going to bullshit you. Voting for Cramulus would be irresponsible and dangerous. It would mean misery for all of us.

SOLD!

I'll tell Mr. Daly to put me down for 50,000 votes for Cramulus.

[Richter]

Professor CRamulus still refuses to own up to the canon he himself has professed.  While he nances about the point, he will not acknowledge "some people really fuck up their dicks", as one of the truest statements about the male condition.

I'd be unashamed, famous, and naked if I could spout stuff like that.

So WHY...is he holding back?  ::Shatner::