An Open Letter To The Human Race

[Phox]

For Whom It May Cause Concern:

I am writing this letter because I have noticed a few things you have been doing, and I must say that they make me sick. Let's start with the basics: Human rights. That's right, human rights make me sick. Why you ask? Because if you start giving humans rights, then pretty soon you have to give everyone equal rights. And we all know that some people clearly don't deserve the right to vote, to be paid an equal wage, or to love and marry whomever they please. I mean, c'mon. These are laws of nature backed up by years of scientific data¹. And we simply can't allow those people, if they can so be called, a voice in government, a fair wage, or the legal benefits of marriage. We can't even extend to them social acceptance. It would be a crime against Our Lord And Savior ². I mean, you've got people running around all over the place saying things like "all men are created equal". This notion, of course, is completely preposterous to men of SCIENCE. If all men were created equal, their internal organs would liquify at the same rate. Now, of course, organ liquification rate is a terrible criterion to base a person's value on³, so I advocate the abolition of all human rights.

This will also put an end to the idea that people "have a right" to their opinion. Again, a completely preposterous notion. The simple fact of the matter is, you have no opinion of your own. You are assigned an opinion and programmed through various stimuli to ingrain it in your personality from birth. This was all set up by Doktors such as myself as an experiment in free thinking. The conclusion we arrived at was that human beings are incapable of that act. Very distressing for the pro-humanists out there. However, my hypothesis was quite correct, it would seem.

This leads nicely into the next thing that makes me sick: Religion. You see, religion is not working how it's supposed to. It was designed to keep you in check by keeping you all in awe of a "Greater power". Of course, we didn't quite count on ideas varying quite so much, but at first it seemed to be a self correcting problem. Look at the Jews. Good religious folk. When people disagreed with them, they tended to lean towards genocide⁴. Of course, this lead to a bit of irony down the road, but I digress. The Christians and the Muslims seemed to be doing a good job at following in their footsteps for awhile there, but then things got a little out of hand with the programming in the "free thinking" experiment. The so-called "free thinkers" bucked the system (by  our design, of course), but they quickly fell into the dogmatic behavior that their religious counterparts showed, and some of them became quite militant about it. Which is all well and good, of course, except now genocide isn't really in vogue anymore⁵, so the problem persists, and such brilliant arguments as "Fuck you! Giraffes are a fucking miracle!" fall upon deaf ears.

Humanity in general makes me sick. Overall, I have to say that this experiment was a failure. We should have scrapped the whole thing when you began to industrialize, but we figured that you would have at least gotten away from fossil fuels by now. You even have viable alternatives, but again, I digress. Your wars are not doing enough to curb population growth at this point, and I must say the excess in population is fucking with some of the experiments considerably. Fortunately, the distribution of this problem is not equal across all theaters so, the results can be extrapolated with relative ease most of the time. Nevertheless, this IS a serious problem. But that said, it is a self-correcting one in he end it seems. Good luck in fifty years, assholes.

Sincerely,
Doktor Phox

¹ = These data are, however, classified, and I cannot reveal them to you now.

² = Of course, I'm referring to Bob Dylan.

³ = Unless it is to determine their value in certain experiments.

⁴ = According to THEIR history, which is approximately 169% bullshit.

⁵ = Except in certain places that are, for some reason, considered "unimportant" by the rest of you.

[Doktor Howl]

Wait.

Are you suggesting that there were never pogroms or genocides committed against the Jews?

ETA:  Never mind, I understand what you're saying, now.  I'm a bit thick.

All in all,

[Phox]

Wait.

Are you suggesting that there were never pogroms or genocides committed against the Jews?

ETA:  Never mind, I understand what you're saying, now.  I'm a bit thick.

All in all,

Meh, could be my fault. I was writing in an insomnia fueled malaise, and I started writing it intending to go in a completely different direction than it ended up. Will proofread and edit after sleep. 

[Kai]

I love you.