Rape

[Cuddlefish]

Reading this thread has been very informative for me (and it's nice to see that my original post was not way off). Thing for me is, I don't know of anyone that has been a victim of rape, or, at least, don't know of anyone that is comfortable enough with me to share that experience, in my personal life. The fact that it's not talked about means I'll likely never know that a good friend of mine has suffered such an assault. That said, in general, are there things that should not be said? Should I, knowing that there's the potential that someone in my social circle has been a victim of rape, avoid certain verbage in casual conversation? Basically, as a person with no immediate involvment in the area of sexual assault, what can I do to help?

[Luna]

Reading this thread has been very informative for me (and it's nice to see that my original post was not way off). Thing for me is, I don't know of anyone that has been a victim of rape, or, at least, don't know of anyone that is comfortable enough with me to share that experience, in my personal life. The fact that it's not talked about means I'll likely never know that a good friend of mine has suffered such an assault. That said, in general, are there things that should not be said? Should I, knowing that there's the potential that someone in my social circle has been a victim of rape, avoid certain verbage in casual conversation? Basically, as a person with no immediate involvment in the area of sexual assault, what can I do to help?

Me, I sometimes feel that the word, itself, is grossly misused.  No, the Red Sox didn't get raped, they LOST.  Maybe they got ripped off, but, it's a fair bet they got to keep their pants on until they hit the showers.  Unless baseball has changed vastly since I watched it last, nobody got raped.

Some of us will have triggers.  Me, don't sneak up behind me and grab me.  If I know you're there, it's cool, if I don't, I will either panic and freeze, or try to tear your nuts off.  That's me, with someone else, it could be anything else. 

Just... be aware, it could have happened to anyone.

[Cuddlefish]

So, this is more than just language. Thing is, I can control my language, that's easy. However, if I don't know if someone has experienced this (due to lack of open dialogue), then must I not engage in friendly horseplay? I don't think any one here would try to insinuate that, but again, if I don't know about an individuals history in regards to rape, then how can I know that something, which is seemingly harmless to me, is actually a trigger for unpleasant memories? I s'pose, simply put, are there visual cues that I can look for to help regulate MY behaviour, as to not, unwillingly, make a friend uncomfortable?

[Luna]

So, this is more than just language. Thing is, I can control my language, that's easy. However, if I don't know if someone has experienced this (due to lack of open dialogue), then must I not engage in friendly horseplay? I don't think any one here would try to insinuate that, but again, if I don't know about an individuals history in regards to rape, then how can I know that something, which is seemingly harmless to me, is actually a trigger for unpleasant memories? I s'pose, simply put, are there visual cues that I can look for to help regulate MY behaviour, as to not, unwillingly, make a friend uncomfortable?

There's the problem.  We've met, you didn't see anything at the Meatup that would have told you, because nobody did it.  I probably got grabbed playing Not Under My Roof... but I knew who was there, and what was going on, so it was cool.  You wouldn't know, if I didn't talk about it here.

When GS DID set me off, he missed the cue.  I froze, and went stiff as a board.  That should have told him to let me go, right NOW, particularly since that's not how I usually react to a hug.  He was, however, drunk as a sailor at the time, and missed it.  (He and I had a little talk, later.)  If you DO trip over one, apologize, and try to not do it again, that's the best I can offer.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

So, this is more than just language. Thing is, I can control my language, that's easy. However, if I don't know if someone has experienced this (due to lack of open dialogue), then must I not engage in friendly horseplay? I don't think any one here would try to insinuate that, but again, if I don't know about an individuals history in regards to rape, then how can I know that something, which is seemingly harmless to me, is actually a trigger for unpleasant memories? I s'pose, simply put, are there visual cues that I can look for to help regulate MY behaviour, as to not, unwillingly, make a friend uncomfortable?

Honestly, if you just pay attention and are considerate, you will see. You probably ALREADY pay attention and are considerate, so you rarely trigger people.

Some people who have been raped can handle joking about rape (I, for some twisted reason, find it mostly hilarious when it's used in an absurdist context, like "You gon' get raped" or "You can't spell grapes without rape!") but others will get a look like you just punched them in the stomach. Some people enjoy horseplay and some people freeze up. If you are at all sensitive, you KNOW when someone freezes up, or is unreceptive, and you back right off... most people do it unconsciously.

Most women won't tell a male friend that they've been raped or abused in the past, unless they are very emotionally close. Hell, most women won't tell their FEMALE friends, because either they feel afraid and ashamed to admit it because it makes them feel different and "marked", or because they think it falls into the category "things nobody wants to hear about". That's why I am open about it. In return, people are very open about it with me. What's astonishing and horrible is that out of my immediate circle of female friends and acquaintances, so far, I know only two who have never been raped or abused. Most of the men I know haven't been, but quite a few have.

Some people are not inherently sensitive, like this one guy I know who absolutely doesn't pick up on nonverbal cues at all. His housemates had to sit him down and tell him that he was making their women friends uncomfortable... and then he cried. He really didn't mean to. It was sad. Better to err on the side of caution than to accidentally put yourself in that position, I think... that would be heartbreaking and humiliating.

[Eve Hill]

So, this is more than just language. Thing is, I can control my language, that's easy. However, if I don't know if someone has experienced this (due to lack of open dialogue), then must I not engage in friendly horseplay? I don't think any one here would try to insinuate that, but again, if I don't know about an individuals history in regards to rape, then how can I know that something, which is seemingly harmless to me, is actually a trigger for unpleasant memories? I s'pose, simply put, are there visual cues that I can look for to help regulate MY behaviour, as to not, unwillingly, make a friend uncomfortable?

Honestly, if you just pay attention and are considerate, you will see. You probably ALREADY pay attention and are considerate, so you rarely trigger people.

Some people who have been raped can handle joking about rape (I, for some twisted reason, find it mostly hilarious when it's used in an absurdist context, like "You gon' get raped" or "You can't spell grapes without rape!") but others will get a look like you just punched them in the stomach. Some people enjoy horseplay and some people freeze up. If you are at all sensitive, you KNOW when someone freezes up, or is unreceptive, and you back right off... most people do it unconsciously.

Most women won't tell a male friend that they've been raped or abused in the past, unless they are very emotionally close. Hell, most women won't tell their FEMALE friends, because either they feel afraid and ashamed to admit it because it makes them feel different and "marked", or because they think it falls into the category "things nobody wants to hear about". That's why I am open about it. In return, people are very open about it with me. What's astonishing and horrible is that out of my immediate circle of female friends and acquaintances, so far, I know only two who have never been raped or abused. Most of the men I know haven't been, but quite a few have.

Some people are not inherently sensitive, like this one guy I know who absolutely doesn't pick up on nonverbal cues at all. His housemates had to sit him down and tell him that he was making their women friends uncomfortable... and then he cried. He really didn't mean to. It was sad. Better to err on the side of caution than to accidentally put yourself in that position, I think... that would be heartbreaking and humiliating.

Love this answer, Nigel.

Also think it's really cool, Cuddleshift, that you care enough about your friends' comfort to ask these questions.  

[Cuddlefish]

dimo-

secretly a people person...

[BabylonHoruv]

I joke about rape, fairly often.  I can usually tell when there is someone I should not do it around, she lets me know clearly, and once that happens I know to be careful about initiating touch, especially surprise touch.

The jokes serve as a sort of an early warning system.  Not always accurate, but better than nothing, and nobody is going to be truly traumatized by a stupid joke.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

It took a lot of inner strength to make the OP!

I'm glad you've come to a point you are able to do that Nigel!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Thanks Khara! I've been talking pretty openly about rape for about 20 years, but I'm recently re-pissed-off again after being assaulted last fall.

Babylon, don't you have, and nurture by writing fiction about, fantasies about raping and killing people? And you stated that you would prefer your child be raped and killed than raped and survive? I think you may be not a person who has much valid input in this dialogue, other than as an object lesson.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

Thanks Khara! I've been talking pretty openly about rape for about 20 years, but I'm recently re-pissed-off again after being assaulted last fall.

You've done much better than I!  It's very hard to come to any kind of terms with.

[Elder Iptuous]

...
but I'm recently re-pissed-off again after being assaulted last fall.
...

Good lord!  I'm sorry to hear that. 
Did you take a chunk out of the fellow, hopefully?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Yes, it is. And I am trying to figure out all of the many reasons why.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

...
but I'm recently re-pissed-off again after being assaulted last fall.
...

Good lord!  I'm sorry to hear that. 
Did you take a chunk out of the fellow, hopefully?

I got away by laughing at him. Oddly.

[BabylonHoruv]

Thanks Khara! I've been talking pretty openly about rape for about 20 years, but I'm recently re-pissed-off again after being assaulted last fall.

Babylon, don't you have, and nurture by writing fiction about, fantasies about raping and killing people? And you stated that you would prefer your child be raped and killed than raped and survive? I think you may be not a person who has much valid input in this dialogue, other than as an object lesson.

To the first, yes I do have those fantasies, and write fiction about them.

As I said before, we all have awful inside us, putting it in the right place (fiction in my case) rather than the wrong place (in my case that'd probably be passive aggressive frustrated bullshit, I don't have it in me to actually rape or kill anyone, but it's manifested as escapism through drugs and other self destructive behaviors before.  it's not ok to hurt other people, I can still hurt me) is a struggle for everyone. 

To the second, that was due to a misunderstanding on my part as to the trauma level of rape.  Since I have had some women open up to me about the experiences that they had as children I have changed that position completely.

I hope you kicked the shit out of your attacker last fall and then the police did the same.