Satire news film script – copywaytotheleft

[Hoser McRhizzy]

Open access film script.  It had been sitting untouched on my computer since 2003, and I changed the vandalism bits after nosing around here for a few weeks late 2009.  If you'd like to fuck around with any part of it, I encourage you to do so in whatever way you like, but it needs to get off mah pooter!     

At the moment it's a satire news broadcast (I know, Colbert/Codco did it).  24 characters with lots of opportunity for doubling/quadrupling/etcetera-ing roles.  6 advertisements.  Multi location: mainly interior, 3 outside.  Identifiers easily changeable. 25-30 mins altogether.

I've set it up in what I think are readable chunks for posting.  7 altogether, and they'll follow in a second.

I had no idea which subforum to put this in.  If it should be elsewhere, my apologies.

......................

Characters:
Reemer – news station desk jockey
John – reporter on the street
Cindy-lou – history TV show host
Truman – co-host with Cindy-lou
Chris – early teens.  Ryan Seacrest when he first hit puberty
3 young women – late teens, made-up like they're auditioning for Tyra
Not Main Characters:
Girl-Next-Door
Bambi – reality-TV-show contestant type
Randi – see Bambi, above, but a guy
Sandwich board guy
Nostril
Anguished High School Teacher
Young punk
Note: Incorp is pronounced "In-corp"


News Broadcasting Government Network Corporation Incorporated
Written - 12 Oct. 2003
17 April 2010 - last edit


FADE IN:

STILL.  MAP OF NORTH AMERICA.

-- The Incorp logo is superimposed over a map of North America.  The North American Continent is Blue.

   V/O
(Short music intro.)  Free thought.  Opinion.  Your world.  This... is News Broadcasting Government Network Corporation Incorporated.  And here's your host:  Reemer Dippity.


INT.  Corporate news television station.  Beginning broadcast.

-- Desk jockey Reemer furrows his brow and scans a piece of paper before laying it down on the desk in front of him.  He addresses his audience at home.

   REEMER
At the top of the news tonight:  the decision makers of our Government have told their representatives that Iraq is less of a nuclear threat than North Korea is, which is exactly why we're saying that Iran is more of a threat than England, and that's why the law of preemptive strike... is a good thing.  But first, do North Americans love their televisions too much?

-- Corner picture of a woman wearing a cowboy hat, riding her TV like a horse.  Surveillance tape across.

   REEMER
John, our man on the street here at Incorp is asking... just that question.  John?


EXT.  An upper class area street.  DAY.

-- Unbeknownst to John, a man stands behind him wearing nothing but a sandwich board that says "Eat the rich."

   JOHN
Thanks Reemer.  Recent polls say that most average North Americans sometimes have as many as nine or ten high tech appliances in their homes.  I'm talking to people here in the inner city to find out what the average joe might describe as a high tech appliance.  Great 'stash, Reemer.


INT.  Newsroom.

-- a piece of vandalism has been added to the front of Reemer's desk.  Just a bumper sticker that reads "Britney's Ass".  Note: As the front of the desk fills up over the broadcast, Reemer should never notice.

   REEMER
Thanks, John.  Also tonight... there is a new force in North American world politics and it's the concerned citizens' coalition, What Are You Trying To Hide.  Studies say there are two young and attractive people with their own cool website that have joined the movement and we'll be talking with them... after these messages from our sponsors.

[Hoser McRhizzy]

ADVERTISEMENT FOR "BUSH COLA: BRING IT ON."

MONTAGE.  ADVERTISEMENT FOR CAR COMPANY.

-- From inside a vehicle.  Nothing but healthy trees as we rush by.

-- A pretty young man looking over his bare shoulder into our eyes.

-- Yuppies in a gym doing tai chi.

    V/O
You can have all of these lasting experiences.  Buy a car.

[Hoser McRhizzy]

INT.  Newsroom.

-- More vandalism has been added to the front of Reemer's desk: "No one noticed".

   REEMER
This just in.  North Americans find that watching television and supporting the economy are their first priorities.  As opposed to time spent at work or in bed.  And now, let's check in with Cindy-loo and Truman.


EXT.  Front of zoo gates.  DAY.

         S/X
Elephant trumpeting.

-- Cindy smiles expansively and reads from the teleprompter.  Standing too close, Truman watches her as she speaks.

   CINDY
Tonight!  On Survival of The Fittest.  We'll be looking at power symbols from all over the world!  We'll go back to the very beginning of civilization, ancient Rome, and see that even in primitive times, people worshiped things that were longer than they were wide!

   TRUMAN
Like that shrine in your underwear drawer to Mr. Happy, isn't that right, Cindy-loo?

-- Cindy rolls her eyes without dropping her smile.

   CINDY
Oh, Truman.  Anyway!  It's gonna be super-fun and educational!  So join us tonight at 10 for Survival of The Fittest!

   TRUMAN
I'm a dirty old man.  But you like it, don't you.

STILL.  List of show titles and times.

Nightly News                 -- currently playing
Kill or Be Killed             -- 9:30
Survival of the Fittest   -- 10:00
Good Family Fun           -- 10:30
Sex in Prison                 -- 11:00

    V/O
Tonight, on News Broadcasting Government Network Corporation Incorporated.  It's Kill or Be Killed at 9:30, followed by Cindy-loo and Truman in Survival of The Fittest at 10.  Next, it's Good Family Fun, suitable for all ages!  Find out whether Tookey found his marbles or if love is in the air for Peter and Virginia tonight, at 10:30.  Then, it's Sex in Prison, the hot new show that's too racy for daytime.  That's Sex in Prison at 11 tonight.  11:30 in Newfoundland.

[Hoser McRhizzy]

INT.  Newsroom.

-- More vandalism: Cram's kickass flying caped donkey and "click here to win!"

   REEMER
And... welcome back.  Tonight our human interest story is young entrepreneurs.  Studies say that some children just can't wait until they finish high school to join the workforce!  According to experts, this new generation is "culture lifestyle savvy" and many are choosing careers in the entertainment sector.  With that story is the newest member of the Incorp family, Christopher Jonkins.  Chris?


INT.  Dorm lounge or equiv.

-- Chris is Ryan Seacrest when he first hit puberty.

   CHRIS
Hi Reemer.  I'm here with a couple of cool young women...

-- 3 young women lounge in various stilted 'casual' poses.

   CHRIS
... who all work as spokespeople for the clothing and makeup industry.  You're all about 18 years old.  Don't you think that's a bit young to enter the workforce?

   GIRL 1
As if.

   GIRL 2
There are 5-year old children in other countries who work?  I can't believe you're asking.  My god.

   GIRL 3
We're almost the same age, Chris.  You and me.  You're just a little younger.

   GIRL 1
That's right.

   CHRIS
You're all correct. (to audience)  Statistics say that on average, I'm younger than you are.  And I'm on television.
(back to girls)  I don't see any labels on your clothes.  What's that about?
   
        GIRL 1
Labels?

-- The girls laugh.

   GIRL 2
Labeling products and putting your logo all over everything is so over!  Chris, the newest trend in the culture industry is Peer to Peer Audible Marketing.
   
       CHRIS
That's interesting!  So describe a typical work day for you.  What do you do, exactly?

   GIRL 2
(modeling and miming a little) Well, I get up and put on my Spanky Couture, spritz a little Spanky for Her here, here and here, and I'm off to school.

   CHRIS
You're still in school?  When do you find time to do your job?

   GIRL 2
Silly!  School time is job time.  As long as I make sure all my friends know about Spanky's awesome line of products, I get all kinds of free stuff!  It's excellent.

-- While 2 speaks, GIRL 1 takes out a body cream and rubs some on her arm.

   GIRL 1
I get new Silt beauty products whenever I want.  They're a totally underground kind of super-trendy label?  You can only get them on the web...

   CO-ED 3
I started working for Cordi independently.  I loved their product so much I started my own blog about them.  I was scared that they would shut me down for copyright stuff, or whatever?  But Cordi... they were really excellent about it.  I got scouted and they hired me in a week.

   CHRIS
So what is Cordi?  I'm curious.

   CO-ED 3
Everybody's curious, Chris.  It's a concept company!

   CHRIS
That's new!  Sounds complicated.

   CO-ED 3
Not at all!  Go to their website and see for yourself.

-- Website address for Cordi on banner below.

   CHRIS
Thanks ladies.  Back to you Reemer.

INT.  Newsroom.

-- Vandalism: "It's too late; you're part of it now"; Image of a mongoose or platypus.

   REEMER
Thanks Chris.  Well, North America, you heard it here first:  People are saying that false allegations made by certain interest groups are complete and utter hogwash.  These people are anti-North American and in my opinion deserve to go back wherever they came from if they don't like it here. 

After a moment with our sponsors, we'll be back with more of the What Are You Trying To Hide citizen's coalition and those attractive young people who are spicing it up!  But first, this.

[Hoser McRhizzy]

MONTAGE.

-- Midwest farmer.

-- baby sleeping.

-- leggo house.

   V/O
Here at the Mountaineer Oil Company, we're as traditional as you are.  Mountaineer Oil.  Good clean fun.

INT.  Apartment.  No furniture.

-- A woman sits on the floor surrounded by newspapers.  She's staring sadly into our eyes.

   V/O
Life got you down?

-- She nods.

   V/O
Things are pretty tough, aren't they?

-- She nods again.

   V/O
Well don't just sit there!  Buy Stuff!

MONTAGE.

-- Room fills rapidly with various Stuff.  (e.g. A rocking horse.  A disco ball.  Furniture.  Shopping bags.)  As the room fills she is happier and more excited.  There should be a label on each item with the Stuff logo.

   V/O
Millions of North Americans say that they're depressed.  Studies say that shopping can provide you with just the lift you need!  And what better way to feel patriotic than by supporting your half of the continent's economy?  Remember, buy from brandnames you trust, and be sure to fill your life with lots and lots of Stuff!  And may the best klepto win.

-- Girl has a sassy challenge in her eyes for the audience.

STILL.  Logo.  "Stuff."


INT.  Newsroom.

-- More vandalism has been added: "Do what you want to say"; pics etc.

   REEMER
Kleptos keep North America strong. 

And now, as promised, we at News Broadcasting Government Network Corporation Incorporated give you the young, fun and fresh face of the new concerned citizen's coalition, What Are You Trying To Hide?

[Hoser McRhizzy]

EXT.  PARK SIDEWALK.  DAY.

-- Bambi and Randi are walking arm in arm behind someone.  They take out their cell phones, playfully and mischievously filming the person as s/he walks.  This is fun!

   V/O - John
The newest trend these days seems to be putting yourself, or your friends, family and even strangers... under surveillance and then making it accessible on the world wide web!

         STREAMING TEXT
WARNING: Many of these images are not suitable for children.  WARNING:  if you are depicted in any surveillance broadcast by the What Are You Trying To Hide concerned citizen's coalition, you hereby waive the right to any and all compensation for the use of your image at any time.

INT.  Bedroom.  Night.

-- Two people enter.  They're awkward with each other, and I think this might be their first time.  One sits on the bed.  The other strips down to socks, shorts and tank, and begins a stiff and uncomfortable dance.

   V/O - John
Part quasi-illegal porn site, part public service announcement!  Bambi and Randi have been testing out the What Are You Trying To Hide line of surveillance products and here's just some of what they've got archived on the world wide web.


EXCEPTIONALLY CLOSE SHOT.

-- Of someone slowly and meticulously picking their nose.

          V/O - John
The range of activities these girls have undertaken to show us the effectiveness of these products... well, it's just got to be seen to be believed.


INT.  Bathroom stall.

-- A teacher is sitting on the can (lid down), crying: pure  despair.

          V/O - John
Bambi and Randy have even tested the What Are You Trying To Hide line of products in the relative privacy of their local public school.

[Hoser McRhizzy]

INT.  Newsroom.

-- More vandalism added: "Jesus Shaves".  A blown up playing card of Félix Guattari's face with the word "Chaosophy" written below.  There's a shoe with a sock still in it on Reemer's desk.

   REEMER
But is it an "Invasion of privacy"?  Is it "civic responsibility"?  To find out, we asked a man on the street which was more important to him:  Privacy or Security.


EXT.  Busy street corner.

-- Man on the street John is holding his mic in front of a young punk girl's face.  Her jacket or shirt is covered in anti-war, anarchy, etc pins, eighties-style.  She is obviously mid-sentence in a polemic (preferably in a rally or march).

   YOUNG PUNK
... when security is the...


INT.  Newsroom.

-- The desk is plastered with vandalism: a great big eye; FREE JOB AVAILABLE; etc.  A real flower has been stuck in the sock in the shoe.

   REEMER
And that's your news for tonight. 

Be sure to join us tomorrow for a special look inside popular culture.  Incorp's best news hounds have been digging up the dirt for almost a day now to bring you tomorrow's news, which we've tentatively decided to call Malaise.  We'll be talking about depressed babies, children, teens and adults, and finding out more about the caring drug companies that are committed to keeping the bulk of society functional... and contributing to the economy at the same time. 

Until then, your voice matters!  We'd love to hear from you on our website.  Take our interactive poll!  Do you like the word Malaise, or would you prefer something less pretentious?

Until tomorrow, I'm Reemer Dipity and this... is News Broadcasting Government Network Corporation Incorporated.  Good night.  And enjoy the rest of your regularly scheduled programming.

-- Short music intro from the beginning.


ADVERTISEMENT: CATHARSIS

-- a healthy river in winter.

      V/O
Are you depressed?  Are you often upset?  Do you occasionally suffer from chronic confusion? 

-- a bathtub full of hot, steaming water.

       V/O
Catharsis works directly on the roots of your problem, providing instant cathartic action. 

-- underwater shot looking up.

       V/O
For instant relief from intolerable situations:  Ask your pharmacist about Catharsis.  Now in Gel Caps.

FADE OUT.

[Placid Dingo]

SOme of these could work as short 1 - 6 min clips.