Nigels's stupid dating story thread

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Looks like I won that round. Dead silence from Mr. Douchebag. 

On Tuesday I had a date to meet a guy who, it turned out, wanted me to be a plaything for he and his girlfriend. I politely declined, but here's the thing: when I walked into the bar, there was a tall, very attractive, graying, balding man at the bar closing out. We looked at each other, and I kept sneaking glances as I went up to order a drink. He said hi, and I was too gobsmacked to do more than stammer a hello in return.

I spent the rest of the evening regretting my bashfulness. I could have been hanging out with THAT guy!

So, I placed an I Saw You ad in the Mercury on the off-chance he'll see and respond to it, and my new project is to get comfortable making conversation with strangers in bars. I feel like it's an important social skill that I'm not good at, at all.

[East Coast Hustle]

If you're feeling too shy to force a conversation with a stranger at the bar, here are two good strategies:

1) If your drink is not red wine and/or they're wearing dark and inexpensive clothing, accidentally spill a little of your drink on them, then in the ensuing embarrassed conversation insist that they let you buy their next drink/take them out for a drink sometime to make up for it.

2) If you think the drink-spilling routine might backfire, try accidentally stepping on his foot.

[navkat]

It might have been douchebag following you and deliberately making eye contact.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

If you're feeling too shy to force a conversation with a stranger at the bar, here are two good strategies:

1) If your drink is not red wine and/or they're wearing dark and inexpensive clothing, accidentally spill a little of your drink on them, then in the ensuing embarrassed conversation insist that they let you buy their next drink/take them out for a drink sometime to make up for it.

2) If you think the drink-spilling routine might backfire, try accidentally stepping on his foot.

I actually think I don't need an opener, as much as I need to be able to respond like a normal human being when a cute  guy says "hi", instead of squeaking, wetting my pants, and running away.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

It might have been douchebag following you and deliberately making eye contact.

If douchebag looked like that, he wouldn't be afraid to send women a picture of his face.

[East Coast Hustle]

If you're feeling too shy to force a conversation with a stranger at the bar, here are two good strategies:

1) If your drink is not red wine and/or they're wearing dark and inexpensive clothing, accidentally spill a little of your drink on them, then in the ensuing embarrassed conversation insist that they let you buy their next drink/take them out for a drink sometime to make up for it.

2) If you think the drink-spilling routine might backfire, try accidentally stepping on his foot.

I actually think I don't need an opener, as much as I need to be able to respond like a normal human being when a cute  guy says "hi", instead of squeaking, wetting my pants, and running away.

Or, just find cute guys who enjoy squeaking and pants-wetting.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

If you're feeling too shy to force a conversation with a stranger at the bar, here are two good strategies:

1) If your drink is not red wine and/or they're wearing dark and inexpensive clothing, accidentally spill a little of your drink on them, then in the ensuing embarrassed conversation insist that they let you buy their next drink/take them out for a drink sometime to make up for it.

2) If you think the drink-spilling routine might backfire, try accidentally stepping on his foot.

I actually think I don't need an opener, as much as I need to be able to respond like a normal human being when a cute  guy says "hi", instead of squeaking, wetting my pants, and running away.

Or, just find cute guys who enjoy squeaking and pants-wetting.

Now there's a strategy! As long as I don't run away.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Sadly, I don't have any really entertaining stories to tell, but after my brief date with a guy who is 20 years older than me (he smelled like grandpa) I went to the Nest to practice meeting people at a bar. I was stunned by how easy it was to strike up conversations! All I did was bring a book and sit down and read. There was also a movie playing.

I met not one single guy I would even consider going home with, although I think the two guys at the end of the night who told me all about the downtown sex club they work in thought I was going to go home with them. Of course, they probably also thought I was wasted, as I'd started the evening with vodka soda in a pint glass and switched to plain soda water halfway through, so they'd seen me guzzle about five of what they thought were vodka sodas. They seemed totally surprised when I stood up and said I was heading out. Skeezes. What I wonder is, what girl is impressed by guys who work at a sex club? Does that ever work for them? Barf.

I told one hilariously artsy college student about Discordianism and he said he'd look it up.

[Doktor Howl]

I told one hilariously artsy college student about Discordianism and he said he'd look it up.

And that's how we get pinealists, kids.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I told one hilariously artsy college student about Discordianism and he said he'd look it up.

And that's how we get pinealists, kids.

He takes himself WAY too seriously to be a pinealist. He was sporting some Inigo Montoya facial hair and sketching in a book with charcoal.

[Doktor Howl]

I told one hilariously artsy college student about Discordianism and he said he'd look it up.

And that's how we get pinealists, kids.

He takes himself WAY too seriously to be a pinealist. He was sporting some Inigo Montoya facial hair and sketching in a book with charcoal.

And why didn't you latch onto this guy?  Hell, he's bound to be headed for great things.  Imagine the joy you'd feel as he mopes in the basement, complaining that nobody understands his "work".  You can hold his hands and explain how the world is being terribly unfair.

Then you can whack him over the head with a glass dildo, shave half his beard off, and dump him behind a biker bar.

Dok,
Fuck you, I'm sick!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I told one hilariously artsy college student about Discordianism and he said he'd look it up.

And that's how we get pinealists, kids.

He takes himself WAY too seriously to be a pinealist. He was sporting some Inigo Montoya facial hair and sketching in a book with charcoal.

And why didn't you latch onto this guy?  Hell, he's bound to be headed for great things.  Imagine the joy you'd feel as he mopes in the basement, complaining that nobody understands his "work".  You can hold his hands and explain how the world is being terribly unfair.

Then you can whack him over the head with a glass dildo, shave half his beard off, and dump him behind a biker bar.

Dok,
Fuck you, I'm sick!

I already had one of those, his name was Blue Winterhawk.

[Doktor Howl]

I told one hilariously artsy college student about Discordianism and he said he'd look it up.

And that's how we get pinealists, kids.

He takes himself WAY too seriously to be a pinealist. He was sporting some Inigo Montoya facial hair and sketching in a book with charcoal.

And why didn't you latch onto this guy?  Hell, he's bound to be headed for great things.  Imagine the joy you'd feel as he mopes in the basement, complaining that nobody understands his "work".  You can hold his hands and explain how the world is being terribly unfair.

Then you can whack him over the head with a glass dildo, shave half his beard off, and dump him behind a biker bar.

Dok,
Fuck you, I'm sick!

I already had one of those, his name was Blue Winterhawk.

But you didn't have my advice.

Think of those poor, underprivileged bikers, Nigel.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I told one hilariously artsy college student about Discordianism and he said he'd look it up.

And that's how we get pinealists, kids.

He takes himself WAY too seriously to be a pinealist. He was sporting some Inigo Montoya facial hair and sketching in a book with charcoal.

And why didn't you latch onto this guy?  Hell, he's bound to be headed for great things.  Imagine the joy you'd feel as he mopes in the basement, complaining that nobody understands his "work".  You can hold his hands and explain how the world is being terribly unfair.

Then you can whack him over the head with a glass dildo, shave half his beard off, and dump him behind a biker bar.

Dok,
Fuck you, I'm sick!

I already had one of those, his name was Blue Winterhawk.

But you didn't have my advice.

Think of those poor, underprivileged bikers, Nigel.

It makes me sad. 

[Doktor Howl]

It makes me sad. 

They gots nobody to dance with.