Wake the Fuck Up, part II of V

[Doktor Howl]

John Luther "Casey" Jones (March 14, 1863 – April 30, 1900) was a Goddamn rock n roller.  He was famed for being the fastest engineer in the Midwest, and he was comsumed with ways to go faster (bear in mind that during his lifetime, the maximum speed attainable was about 90MPH, so you can understand his frustration).  On April 30th, 1900, he started an hour behind, and making up time at about 80MPH in the middle of the night.

At the town of Vahaugn there was a traffic jam up on the rails, accompanied by a dense fog.  Jones' Fireman, Simeon T. Webb, who had a better view than he did, hollered at one curve,"Oh my Lord, there's something on the main line!".  Casey was, of course, determined to take things to the wall.  "JUMP, ETHEL!" he hollered¹.  Webb jumped off 300 feet before impact, and was knocked unconscious.  

Casey hit the wall, whistle blaring, and went into legend (Well, he actually went into the boiler, but why quibble over details?).  On the plus side, he was at this point only 2 minutes behind schedule, which is nothing to sneeze at.  So, yeah, he DID supposedly die, but he left a HELL of an impression on Mississippi (according to Wikipedia, the imprint of his locomotive was clearly visible in the adjacent embankment for 10 years after the wreck).  And at some point just prior to the wreck, someone fired torpedoes at him², but he STILL made it to the wall.

Some say he was killed by a wooden splinter through the head, some say a bolt through the neck, others say he was scalded to death by the steam.  You know what I say?

I say "Who cares?"  The man knew the same craving for speed that I feel more or less all the time.  He knew about "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead".  He knew about rock n roll, and he'd never have put up with shit like we see today.  He'd have run a motherfucker down, then hit his stop - on time - to pick up Elvis and Hank and Roy Orbison.

And they'd have gone full blast, right for the wall.

Okay for now,
Dok



¹  Webb was testing his personal boundaries, and would only answer to "Ethel".  We're not here to judge.

²  For real.  Check the wikipedia page, under "Illinois Central Railroad report on accident".  Some bastard fired torpedoes at him, but the were unable to sink his locomotive.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Holy shit, it's real and not a bunch of lore...

FUCKIN A. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

TO
THE
FUCKING
WALL.

[Salty]

Awesome.

Why the hell didn't I learn this in sch- Ah nevermind, sort of figured that out myself.

[Don Coyote]

To the WALL!!!!

[Freeky]

Torpedoes?  Don't they need water to be torpedoes?  And be able to move?

[Doktor Howl]

Torpedoes?  Don't they need water to be torpedoes?  And be able to move?

This was back in the old days, you see, when torpedoes still had wheels.

[Freeky]

This would be back in the year dot, yes?


Either way, the story itself is amazing, and the rant is top-quality. 

[Don Coyote]

Torpedoes?  Don't they need water to be torpedoes?  And be able to move?

This was back in the old days, you see, when torpedoes still had wheels.

Before or after water was in beta test?

[Doktor Howl]

Torpedoes?  Don't they need water to be torpedoes?  And be able to move?

This was back in the old days, you see, when torpedoes still had wheels.

Before or after water was in beta test?

The beta was when they had a horse drag it.

Not popular with the cowboys.

[Don Coyote]

Torpedoes?  Don't they need water to be torpedoes?  And be able to move?

This was back in the old days, you see, when torpedoes still had wheels.

Before or after water was in beta test?

The beta was when they had a horse drag it.

Not popular with the cowboys.

Why? They were refusing to use good American Bovine labor in the early stages of anti-railway warfare?

[Luna]

Awesome tale, Dok. 

[Doktor Howl]

Awesome tale, Dok. 

It really happened.

And it was the only time "Too Soon Klaus" missed with a torpedo.

He went on to sink the Titanic, which was hushed up with some cock & bull story about an iceberg.  As if ice could hurt steel.  Use a hammer on some ice sometime.  The ice loses.

[Luna]

Awesome tale, Dok. 

It really happened.

And it was the only time "Too Soon Klaus" missed with a torpedo.

He went on to sink the Titanic, which was hushed up with some cock & bull story about an iceberg.  As if ice could hurt steel.  Use a hammer on some ice sometime.  The ice loses.

Of course, I took it for absolute troof, the Dok would not lead me astray with a false history lesson.   

Klaus didn't MEAN to sink the Titanic, you know...  He was just trying to shoot these fuckers off the bow...



An admirable goal, with somewhat unexpected consequences.

[Doktor Howl]

No, Klaus ALWAYS jumped the gun.  "Wait until 1914 before you attack", they said.

But did he listen?  Of course not.