Rant 58: Fucking Heathens!

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Rant 58
Heathenanigans

,ÄúD,Äôaimhdheoin sin, chuir m?© an tequila i bhfolach i dtreo nach bhfaigheadh aon duine ??. Bh?? an mheisce chomh l?°idir n?°r fh?©ad muid si??l. Agus bh?? Eris in?°r ng?°ire. ,ÄúNa focain pr?°ta?? seo!,Äù arsa an t-??glach agus bh?? imeacht d??reach ag an n??im?©ad sin leis ag screadach as a mheabhair ,Äòs ag breith greim ar a armail??t. ,ÄúDuine eile d,ÄôEris,,Äù d??irt m?©.,Äù
-Found written on the back of the Book of the Tequila M??stica Cabal

,ÄúWaiter! There,Äôs a,Ķa verb in my coffee!,Äù
-Overheard at a crowded bar

,ÄúI wanted to reveal the import of the mystery but Eris threatened to take away the beer. She said ,ÄúChild of Mine, all mysteries are really not mysteries but simply the congealed dribble of guesses that failed.,Äù And I knew then and there that confusion was to be our salvation that night.,Äù
-from the Book of the Tequila M??stica Cabal

,ÄúShe would make a dead person come to life or a young man out of an old one.,Äù ,Äú[Dh?©anfadh s?? marbh?°n beo n?? buachaill deas ??g den tseanduine.],Äù
-Tequilarius Malignatus (when asked about Eris in an Irish bar)

What,Äôs all the fuss about? Why even ask? Why even care? Why ask why? Why? It,Äôs not like you,Äôre standing in the middle of central Montana about to watch your beloved pick-up truck be devoured by an Uber Prairie Squid,Ķand all you can do is run away hoping that the beast gets sleepy after its meal and that you don,Äôt run into the chipmunks in your drunken rambling attempt to escape, now is it? It,Äôs not like you have to fly airplanes that don,Äôt like being airplanes to countries full of people who KNOW that you KNOW they hate you, now is it? It,Äôs not like you don,Äôt have holes in your socks or can,Äôt find any pie, now is it? It,Äôs not like you,Äôre trapped in an elevator with a pack of rabidly horny pink bunnies with the fucking muzak playing at full blast so that no one will hear your pleas, now is it? It,Äôs not like you never met Eris, now is it? It,Äôs not like you,Äôre trapped in Donald Rumsfeld,Äôs Palace of Bunghole Exploits because you looked just a little too bit on the swarthy middle-eastern side of things, now is it? It,Äôs not like you,Äôre in a country run by an Idiot Boy Emperor,Äîno,Ķwait, some of us ARE in a country run by an Idiot Boy Emperor. (Never mind all that, then.) So instead of sitting there in a funky cloud of DOOM and dazedness singing off-key ,Äòwoe-is-my-hell-and-the-world-is-meaningless,Äô pseudo-dark angsty songs, you (unless you get off on the dark angst thing) could be out causing a ruckus or taking part in some sick, sick, sick and twisted heathenanigans, for the love of Eris! Or at least getting the pipe-line to your mind,Äîthe pineal gland, in case you were wondering,Äîcleaned out with some of Eris,Äôs special tobasco-tinged pop-tarty revelations, bobdammit!

What am I talking about? I am talking about the fun we could, do, and will have in our splendid mindfucking opuses (or is that opi?) with either ourselves, each other, or with THEM,Äîor possibly some other options. What types of damned things can we do, do we do, may we do, and most certainly will continue to do? Who knows? Building bonfires in the middle of public parks while singing hymns to the prophetic and mechanical powers of the mighty worms that live in bottles of mescal? Stuffing rotten broccoli amongst the shelves at local corporate clothing stores? Debating with certain pompous anarchists about the merits of totalitarian controls over microwave-oven usage? Persuading local maintenance workers of certain taller than average buildings to drop powdered cayenne out over the streets below? Handing out well crafted but fake and misdirectional maps of your home town to certain evil corporate visitors and their tourist followers? Disrupting the meetings of your favorite local marxist-leninist groups and denouncing them as sick bourgeois twists for not adhering to the correct party line as stated in 340BC by the Great Prophet [Insert Name Here]? (It helps to do that with several co-conspirators.) Standing outside of Starbucks shops passing out flyers to customers thanking them for their support for Eris,Äôs Crusade/Jihad in finding, arresting, roasting, torturing, and finally, drowning heretical coffee beans everywhere? You could or may be doing some of these, all of these, none of these, and more. And I want you to know that we, as opposed to THEM, are here to help you do so.

Perhaps I am being a little bit too extreme and perhaps that comes from the twisted and malicious weather extremes we have here in the American Midwest where some of us live. Summer is usually fucking well hot. Winter is usually piss freezingly cold. And the other seasons,Ķwhat other seasons? It is made even worse if you should happen to have the unfortunate circumstance of living in a noisy, grimy, and feverish city that only inspires the chaos to come flying right out of you faster than those 23 shots of tequila you,Äôre about to chain-slam will come flying back up through your mouth, your nostrils, your ears, and possibly any other orifice you may have on its way up. (It helps if it comes up in weird colors.) And if such a thing happens to you, the bile you taste will only inspire you to more chaotic doings,Äîwhile unfortunately it never seems to inspire you to change drinking habits. But what would you care at any rate? We are Discordians,Äîso I hear,Äîfucking maniacal Eris-lovers who probably carry all sorts of tendencies-towards-doing-damned-things around with us at all times. Isn,Äôt this Her playground? Shall we have our fun and heathenanigans? Do you want a cookie? Do you even like socks? Is this question rhetorical?

Mae tequila yn y jwg ac ,Äòy mhib yn smygu,Ķ

Hail Eris, pass the tequila, and leave a seat open for the White Mouse!

(Bureaucracy 12th, 3170)

[cyberus]

Hugh, you have a lot of free time, don't you?

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Hugh, you have a lot of free time, don't you?

Not a whole lot. It did take me several weeks to write all of these latest rants, in case you didn't notice the date.

You should see the html mock-up page I made of the whole mess.