Forms of Discordian Belief

[Danjanon]

Discordian Humanist: Whatever shite Eris has in store for us, I'm with the evolved apes.

[Cramulus]

bump!

[Cramulus]

Here's the whole set, compiled into one awesome post

Discordianism can be hard to understand. Let's clear up the confusion surrounding the various types of Discordia:

Discordian Monotheism: I believe in Eris, in the sense that she is a cosmic entity outside of me that I sometimes hang with. There is no Goddess but Eris and she is my Goddess.

Discordian Polytheism: Eris is just one of several Gods I roll with.

Discordian Atheism: I don't believe in Cosmic Superbeings. Eris is a metaphor who I think is cool.

Discordian Agnosticism: I identify with the concept of Eris, but I don't think we can know whether Eris/Gods are real or not.

Discordian Situationism: Whether or not I behave in a manner consistent with a genuine belief in either the existence or metaphorical meaning of Eris depends on my current circumstances.

Discordian Gnostic Agnostic:  Eris?  WHO NEEDS HER?

Discordian Pantheism:  Eris is the Universe (we're all fucked.  Especially you).

Discordian Maltheism:  Eris is a real goddess, and boy, she really doesn't like you.

Discordian Henotheism: Eris exists.  So do other gods.  But those other gods suck, I'm sticking with Eris.

Discordian Apatheism:  I don't care if Eris exists or not.

Discordian Deism:  Eris created the Universe, in order to confuse physicists, but has since retired and/or is involved in the creation of other Universes.

Discordian Transtheism: Eris is something to surpass.

Discordian Schizoism: Any of the above but ask me again after lunch if that answer isn't good enough.

Discordian Nihilism: Eris exists, but only during the fertile months and exclusively on the banks of the river Nile.   

Discordian Implication: If there is a god, it's Eris

Discordian Ignosticism: Define God, please. If I'm happy with that definition, then I'll believe in Eris. If I'm not, then the whole question is meaningless.

Discordian Pantyism:  Only into Discordianism for the chicks and getting in their panties.

Discordian Maltism: Finding Eris exists at the bottom of really good beers.

Discordian Apothecarism: PILLS HERE

Discordian New Agism: Ya, ya... fairy wood spirits... whatever... Can I get laid now?

Discordian SubGeniusism: Eris is the only being that "Bob" acknowledges above and beyond himself, except when he doesn't. Which is probably more often than is strictly healthy.

Discordian Discordianism: If anyone actually succeeded in practicing this, we'd probably be able to tell by the spontaneous formation of a quantum singularity inside their skull.

Discordian Scientology: Tell people how they have been living their lives wrong, win fabulous prizes.

Discordian Scientology II: Xenu brought billions of his people to earth in a spaceship shaped like a DC-8, piloted by Eris.

Quantum Discordianism: Fucks with yuor shit when you're not observing it.

Nondenominational Discordianism: Box next to the word "Other"

Discospagism: Only in it for the asshatery.

Pentecostal Discordianism: You can handle deadly serpents and drink poison.  However, you will more than likely die from doing so and Eris will laugh at you.

Calvinist Discordianism: You have slack because Eris elected you to have slack.  Greyfaces and cabbages are the unelect.  It's no coincidence that Calvinism has 5 points.

Methodist Discordian: We have all these rules but you don't really have to follow them.

Really Real Discordianism: The details of this obnoxious faith are unknown to outsiders, but it is clear that for every Discordian there is at least one of these to tell them they're wrong.   

Raelli Rael Discordianism: This elite group of scientists know the truth about all of life's origins: extraterrestrials. Raelli Rael Discordians want you to know that not only do they look down on you for being against human cloning but so do the Elohim, from their shiny, silent spaceships.


Rlyeh real discordians: Not only are life's origins extraterrestrial but extradimensional and terrifying. One day the sleeping old ones will rise and the world of man shall come to an end, devoured in the fires of great cthulhu, MAY THE RATS EAT YOUR EYES, DAMN YOU BELIEVE ME, WE ARE INVADED .... Bzt..... (unintelligible)....

Baptist Discordianism - Long, boring sermons followed by potluck supper.

Discordian absolutism:  Everything is Discordia, even those things that are not; all mortals must die with "Hail Eris" on their lips

Discordian agapism:  Everyone loves Discordia, all love children are named Eris

Discordian authotheism:  The belief that Discordia makes people Godlike or Eris incarnate

Discordian capitalism:  you can privately own enough chaos to make an economy work; aka The Koch Brothers Doctrine

Discordian bullionism:  belief that golden apples are the way solve all economic evils

Discordian experientialism:  believing that the experiencing Discord brings you the knowledge you are well and truly fucked

Discordian hedonism:  belief that pleasure in chaos is the highest good; i.e. The Joker Doctrine

Discordiain ignorantism:  doctrine that ignorance of Discord is not only no excuse but also highly likely

Discordian naturalism:  belief that the world can be explained through chaotic forces; i.e. Daddy tell me a bedtime story about Eris

Discordian Eroticism: Eris exists, and I want to do her.

Discordian Epicurianism: A philosophy that considers Slack to be the highest good and that advocates the pursuit of pleasures through chaos.

Pragmatic Discordianism: No matter how exclusive you make the invites, Lady Discord will always show up to your party in one form or another.  The pragmatic Discordian looks for ways to make the best of it (as opposed to pretending she doesn't exist or erecting "No Drama Permitted" signs.)

Pessimistic Discordian: Everything is false, meaningless, or inconsistent in some sense.

Optimistic Discordianism: Everything is false, meaningless, or inconsistent in some sense, especially Pessimistic Discordianism.

Discordian Gödelism: the belief that Discordian Gödelism is false.

Eris' Witnesses: Eris is throwing a giant party, the guest list is full. Her followers are required to go from door to door with this important message.

credit: Cramulus, Cainad, Doktor Howl, Cain, Faust, el Sjaako, Lenin McCarthy, Triple Zero, Thurnez Isa, Freeky, Precious Moments Zalgo, Iason Ouabache, Epimetheus, AFK, Jenne, Kingyak, Anna Mae Bollocks, Golden Applesauce, rong