Rant 72: What You Want

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Rant 72
What You Want

,ÄúBehold ye naysayers and unwashed zombies, always looking out for your investment returns! Eris has led ye unto the truth of nonsense. Yet you still scream your denials, proclaiming ,Äòchaos,Äô while running from it. Maybe ye are onto something great, however. Then pass the tequila and praise Eris! If ye can,Äôt stop laughing, our Great Work is succeeding.,Äù
-from the Book of the Tequila M??stica Cabal

The fantasy can be yours. But act quickly because it,Äôs only available for a limited time only. All you need to do is to stop kicking out the jams and let the sunshine in. (Or moonshine.) Or something. Experienced operators are standing by at this very moment to give you satisfaction. Otherwise talk to our hard-working tech-support office, open twenty-fours a day except during libations. (If you can,Äôt find our tech-support, then go to our special Office of Homeland Obscurity located right underneath your bed.) You want the truth? We can cure you of that malaise. The great day of the fnord is here. What are you going to do about it?

We are here to tell you that those who see themselves as ,Äòfree,Äô, ,Äòenlightened,Äô, or ,Äòfulfilled,Äô (or [insert whatever the latest clich?© is here] ) don,Äôt want you to be free. Nope. They want you to stay exactly where you are so that they can have someone to feel superior towards. Ain,Äôt that the way it is with a lot of other circumstances as well? We are here to give you the secrets of chaos magic and other sorts of easily prepackaged systems of thought. But perhaps cookies would be better. Do you want that? Do you want a cookie?

If you are anxious about the results of all the spurious sorts of behavior exhibited by those you consider crass or commercial, think again. It,Äôs YOUR behavior, slick. And we are here to help you see that. Why do you think that Eris would care anyway? Because some tripping hippies wrote a bunch of hi-jacked Zen mixed with liberal doses of californian Neo-Paganism, and offered it to you in a shiny package of illuminism. Perhaps the occult significance of all this is in a drained bottle of tequila. Perhaps not. But what fun it is to at least go through the motions. If you want to bring down the oppressive bureaucracies and other such purityrannical manifestions,Ñ¢ you may want to look into doing exactly what THEY tell you to do. You wanted us to stop hitting you over the head with our specially formulated brand of Erisian sledgehammer nonsense as salvation, so we developed a softer less abrasive sandpaper,Ķjust for you. You think we,Äôre nuts? Then perhaps it,Äôs best that we should leave you alone and just speak to squirrels instead. Is that what you want? (Don,Äôt worry about answering. If you have no answers to that question. Simply sit back, relax, and let us tell you what you want.)

As if we really care. We just want to worship worship worship our Goddess. You already know Her. (Let,Äôs not name any names here. She may not be in a good mood today.) Whether that means helping you up out of the memory holes, giving you enough rope to hang yourself with, drinking with us all through the next several days, initiating you into the Erisian mysteries, or none-of-the-above (nor none-of-the-following,Ķnot even between the lines), we will do so. Because we have crossed the abyss for you. We hold the secrets of Erisian Mysticism. And we are offering it now at a special clearance-sale low price. (Well, at least for those of you who WANT to buy our bottled air, anyway.) We are the chiefs of long-windedness and we are here to anoint you too as a chief. You have popehood? Sainthood? How about chieftaindom? Sounds like a good deal? We thought so. You have always known that this day/night/moment was coming. That you would be expected, at some point, to pony up and take your rightful role. (We like our rolls with a lot of tequila, by the way.) You know what you have always wanted, and we are here to tell you exactly what that is, if we could only find the damned files. (The Great Discordian Jihad has left our offices in a mess.)

We used to run around and paint the directions to your pineal gland on the back of your legs while you were sleeping. But not anymore. No. Now we have decided that if you can,Äôt find your pineal gland on your own, then you can just sit back and listen to us. Isn,Äôt that what you want? Don,Äôt worry about answering or thinking about it. Thinking may lead you into all sorts of trouble anyway. And you wouldn,Äôt want that, now would you? It,Äôs bad enough that you actually have to sleep every now and again, thus missing out on your goal of being totally engrossed with all that television has to offer. But don,Äôt worry. You want an oracle to help spell all of this out for you? We can provide you that service as well.

We are the ignorant bastard children of Eris who know we are ignorant bastard children (does that make us smarter, or what?), and we may just save you from those of THEM who pose as ,Äòilluminati,Äô. Yep. That,Äôs possible. Accidents of those sorts tend to happen when you spend time with us. We didn,Äôt make you who you are. (Hell, even Eris didn,Äôt. You,Äôre just what was leftover after She got finished with everything else.) But we can tell you what you want,Ķunless it,Äôs, of course, Jesus in tight leather speeding down the highways on a motorbike. You may be more crazy than us, if that,Äôs the case. In which case, our job is done and we can all sit down and drink together. Don,Äôt worry, we,Äôll bring the drinks. We know what you,Äôll like.

(Bureaucracy 53rd, 3170)

[back in spIllinois]

[Rupert Giles]

But if fantasy is your reality, then what of fantasy?

[Horab Fibslager]

the is what you want, this is what you get the order of death, public image ltd.

[gnimbley]

I want a cookie.

[Horab Fibslager]

you get a dry tasteless biscuit, that smells faintly of urine and factory.

isn't this great?

[Slarti]

i still have no clue what you're saying... it's all greek to me i guess.

[Nikoli Volkoff]

Well Irreverand, a good friend of mine who went by the name of Padre Pederastia, once told me If ya can talk the talk, drink the drink, and i can say that i will bring the vodka and ye shall bring the tequila and we can have a merry old time. I dont usually talk the talk unless i have been drinkin me drink...so lets get started Comrade