Crap Joke thread.

[BadBeast]

^^Actually the best two jokes I've heard in quite a long while^^ 

[BadBeast]

Me "I won't be in to work today, I'm sick"

Boss "Just how sick are you"?

Me "Well, I'm in bed . . . . . . with my sister!"

[Pinprop]

Why did the snail cross the road?

Because it was wet.

[trix]

Badbeast walks into a bar and sees a big jar packed to the brim with $10 bills on the counter.

He asks the bartender, "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender looks up and says, "It's sort of a game, see, I got this horse in the back, and he's been depressed as hell lately.  So, I'm trying to cheer him up.  The game works like this, you put $10 in the jar and go talk to the horse.  If you can make him laugh, you get the whole jar."

Badbeast thinks for a minute, puts $10 in the jar, and says "No problem!" as he heads to the back.

Not 20 seconds later, everyone in the bar hears the horse explode with laughter.  Fuckin horse is cracking up and can't even catch it's breath.  Badbeast comes strolling back in with a grin, grabs the jar and a beer, and walks out.

A week later Badbeast returns to the bar, and sees another jar full of $10 bills on the counter.  "What, make the horse laugh again?" He asks the bartender.

"Nope.  Actually, since you were here last, the silly bastard has been strutting around staring down that long nose of his at the rest of us as if his shit doesn't stink.  He's been laughing at people randomly, refuses to let anyone ride him, and generally just being a smug pain in the ass horse.  Deal is, if you can make the smug bastard cry, you get the jar."

Badbeast breaks out in a wide grin, pulls out a $10 bill, stuffs it in the jar, says "Watch THIS!" and wanders into the back.

This time he's not even gone 10 seconds, when suddenly everyone in the bar hears the horse neigh angrily, stomp on the ground hard, then, softly at first but building in volume, start sobbing.  As Badbeast strolls back into the bar, smug look on his face, the horses cries get louder and louder.  As Badbeast takes the jar and begins to leave, the bartender stops him.

"Wait just a minute there.  Tell you what, I'll throw in another $100 from my own pocket if you tell me how you made my horse laugh and cry!"

"Easy," said Badbeast, "the first time I went in there, I told him my cock was bigger than his.  This time, I showed him."

[Suu]

 

[BadBeast]

  I'll never be free of that Horse story, will I? 

Q/ What's six feet tall, and screams?

A/ Stevie Wonder answering the Iron.


A man brings home a cock sucking frog and gives it to his wife.

She asks "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that"

So he replies "Teach it to cook, then fuck off"


A little boy and a paedophile are walking in the woods. The little boy says
Mister, I'm scared. These woods are really creepy.
The paedophile replies, "How do you think I feel I have to walk back all by myself".

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Why did the snail cross the road?

Because it was wet.

I don't know why this is so fucking funny. But it is.

[BadBeast]

What's blue, and fucks old ladies?




Me. In my lucky blue sweater.

[Elder Iptuous]

a skeleton walks into a bar.
he orders a beer and a mop.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the little girl fall off of the swing?

She had no arms.

Why is shit tapered at both ends?

So your asshole doesn't slam shut.

[BadBeast]

Q/ What's got 2 legs, and bleeds profusely?

A/ Half a Cat.

Q/ Why does thy Penis have a ridge?

A/ To stop thine hand from slipping off the end and smacking thine own head.

Q/ What's the difference between ice cream and semen?

A/ Madelaine McCann never got to taste ice cream.

Q/ What do you say to a Feminist with no arms or legs?

A/ "Nice tits love".

[Suu]

 

These are magnificent.

[The Wizard Joseph]

Once there was a Horrible Rotten Bastard^tm on his deathbed who decided that not only did he hate everyone, but that he wanted to be CERTAIN nobody benefited from his death financially.
The HRB called in his doctor, minister, and lawyer after he had collected his entire life savings together in cash.  He put them each under contract as a stipulation of his will that they should each hold a third of his money in trust until he died and then they were to throw the money into his coffin before burial.
The HRB died and during the funeral each man walked up to the coffin and placed a satchel inside the coffin.
Afterward the three were at the bar having a drink and got to talking.

Minister: Gentlemen I have a confession to make.  I took 10% of the money and gave it to a foundation that does mission work and fights poverty.
Doctor: Yeah, well that's understandable.  I took even more than that and donated it to fund some promising AIDS research labs I know about.
The Lawyer's eyes went wide.
Lawyer: Well I am just shocked and ashamed by both of you.  I wrote that asshole a check for the full amount!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had
no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery
in the Tennessee back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and
crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of
the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't
know what else to do, so I started to play..

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ' Amazing Grace ,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full..

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
over twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.

[BadBeast]

A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

"No," she insists. "It must be a blue suit."
She then gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.


She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?"


He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a

blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.

She said that was fine with her".



"So, I swapped the heads."