Jenn Update: A rant wrapped in a lament wrapped in a vomit-filled trash bag!

[navkat]

Okay, so I've been basically homeless. I had to come to a friendly agreement with my ex. I stay in the old marital residence when he's on the boat and stay everywhere from couches to sleeping in my car when he's in town. I've had no choice, my so-called "room mate" got a call from an old friend who wanted to move back to Mobile and needed a place to stay. I went to Texas two days before Thanksgiving and returned two days after to find my shit moved into a different room and this fat, stinky friend, named only "Star," in my bed. *gag*

I nearly offed myself that week. I had some medical issues crop up that leave me in pain but I am unable to take my pain meds and function so I mainly live with it. The worst though: this man I love with all my heart, the person I thought was going to be my kindred spirit, best friend and intellectual twin for life just dumped me and cut off all contact with me in a moment of overwhelming stress and frustration. He'd been going balls-to-the-wall worrying about me and devoting every bit of spare time trying to help and encourage me for months. After a brief disagreement over another intensely stressful matter between us, he just snapped. He said some cruel things I know he doesn't mean and accused me of some things I know he doesn't believe. However, he's a self-proclaimed stubborn prick who can't ever back down and apologize so it's probably going to stay that way. I was handling my stress really well up until that point. Losing him pitched me headlong into a depression that has me wracked with tears nightly. I've spent every day since 20 November with a lump in my throat that never goes away. I spend nearly every night that I am able to sleep, literally writhing in heartbreak and biting my pillow in frustration. I don't think I've ever, ever felt this bad over anyone before.

The problem is that this person isn't just a guy, he played a lot of roles in my life. Lover, friend, hero, rescuer, shrink, teacher, cohort... There are parts of myself I've shown him that I don't feel safe showing others because it's already bad enough that I come off like a turd in the punchbowl to some people. This was the person with whom I felt just a little less alone. I felt at times like we were in each others' heads. We both felt at one time or another that regardless of how or with whom we spend the next 20 years, we're eventually going to end up together somehow. His words: "We're probably going to end up married when we're 50."

The loss is gripping and relentless. It does not soften. It does not let go. I have no closure and no peace. He just cut me off and threw up a wall. No discussion, no rebuttal. The end. I found myself breaking down in the middle of tests at school and needing to take breaks at the hospital during clinical rotations. I feel so fragile...I used to be able to laugh at everything, even when things got really scary.

I've loved a lot of people. I get along and have good friendships with most of my exes. I still love my insane ex (Jay) even in spite of all this nonsense: it wasn't always crazy like this and we had some good times and were good friends once...but this...this is a killer. I don't know if any of you have ever encountered someone who felt that much like they were at times, inside your head but it'd have been better never to have met him at all. Now that I understand what that feels like; what it is to have someone really inside, to be completely loved and at the same time, completely free...to feel like no matter who else either of us loved or how far away, we were always touching somehow...I really can't settle for anything less ever again.

Nothing feels right without him "out there" for me. I'm actually having a very difficult time accepting that he isn't, actually. Even before we became sort of "serious" about each other, there was always a warm sort of "meeting of great minds" feeling from day 1. Even when things were mainly platonic, even after periods of not speaking for a while, I always sort of felt like "eventually, we know where this is gonna end up." There have been times during this awful silence when I've been in the middle of something: cooking, studying, whatever, and all of the sudden, I just feel like he's thinking about me.

I don't believe in magic and I don't believe in soul mates. I believe people are all different shapes. I believe often you can find shapes that fit well together. Rarer, you can find shapes that fit astoundingly well together. When that happens, people usually end up married.

The way we fit during those moments when things were right went beyond astoundingly well. "Tailored" is the closest I can come. How do I find someone tailored again? Is that even possible?

We started this year together on the 1st of January with a kiss. The thought of starting the new year without him...torn completely out of my life...it just feels wrong. I can hardly bear it. It makes me physically ill a little bit.

My ruthless, dishonest, cheating cockroach of an instructor spent the last six weeks literally bullying me. There's a post on my facebook to this effect that gives a few details in the proceeding comments. Suffice it to say: he was sour grapes about the fact that I'm smarter than he is. At some point during the semester, he stopped fielding any of my questions or allowing me to participate in class and lab discussions...would actually get frustrated and angry with me for asking questions that were "too deep," preferring instead to put out only the simplest material necessary to get people to pass tests. Since October, he'd begun to hold "review" sessions wherein he read the actual test questions written by the Program Director to the class and made us write down the questions and the answers. Integrity and mentoring had nothing to do with his teaching style to say the least.

Frequently, I would catch him making dire instructional errors that if uncaught, could really hurt a patient. We had what I thought was a friendly, sporting "debate" once about the appropriate time to use an airway suctioning device in a patient assessment. My answer was "immediately, as needed." He asked "Yeah but what would you do first? Put the patient on O2? Or suction the airway?"

I said "Suction the airway...if needed."

He said "Well, that's not what's on your patient assessment sheet. On here, it says to give O2 at 15 Litres first. You're wrong, Jennifer."

I said "Yes, but it also says to ensure airway patency. Just because we're not being made to suction before administering oxygen during a typical Practicals scenario, doesn't mean we're being taught or should be taught to manage Oxygenation of a patient before managing airway pa..."

"You're wrong, Jennifer. If a patient has gurgling respirations, you mean to tell me you'd withhold oxygen?" (Laughing at me and looking at the rest of the class now) "You withhold O2 from a non-breathin' patient, you gonna be writin' up a lot of paperwork, then you gonna be writin' up your resume."

"No, sir. I'm not saying I'd withhold 02. I'm saying I'd manage the airway first. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? In the field, I mean? ABCs, right? Airway, Breathing, Circulation, in that ord..."

"Well we ain't talkin' 'bout "out in the field," Jennifuh. We talkin' 'bout gettin' y'all through Practicals and followin' the sheet."

(No he WASN'T. He just used me losing a JOB as an argument for his last point. I HATE when people debate using apples and oranges interchangeably at will and then call YOU crazy. ARRRRGH!)

"Okay, sir, but if we're talking about the Practicals sheet, I'd still suction a patient in a scenario with gurgling respirations because the FIRST thing on there after BSI and Scene Safety is General Impression and managing Immediate Life Threats. Not taking in any Oxygen, whether it be 21% room air or 90% O2 at Fifteen Litres per minute is, to me, an "immediate life threat."

"Wanna bet?"

"Sure, I'll take your bet, sir."

"Jessica, go ask Gene." ("Gene" refers to Michael "Gene" Rader, the EMT Program Director for Bishop State and one hell of a medic who knows his shit cold. Rader is the one who taught me as a Basic.)

Jessica invariably comes back and tells the instructor "He said Jennifer is right."

I go "HAH!" and instead of Hi-fiving me and saying "Well done! You got me!" my instructor opted instead to spend the rest of the semester in a perpetual state of sour grapes, dressing me down in front of the class for being a "smartass who don't know shit" and a "know-it-all."

He made inappropriate jokes about everything from my learning disability to my clothes to my divorce. He publicly criticized me in front of the class every chance he got. He shut me up whenever I tried to participate in class discussions. He rolled his eyes at me whenever I asked a question and went on without answering. He made fun of me behind my back to other students. If he had a huddle with the other students about scheduling lab times or asking what skills we wanted to practice and I dared put in my two cents, he'd immediately retort "I don't remember asking you, Jennifuh. Did anybody ask you?"

This semester became about the challenge of trying to learn in spite of him, not because of him. It was about trying to get my money's worth out of school in spite of every fucking possible obstacle...including at times, not having a safe, sane, non-public place to sit down and do homework or study.

Enough of the bad shit.

So I managed to pass Practicals and Finals yesterday. I almost decided not to show up for Practicals...I was ready to give up. I woke up at 0600 that morning and said to myself: "you can always kill yourself tomorrow if need be" and got dressed.

I nailed them.

By the time I drove home after Practicals, I had a little attitude in me. I decided to show up for finals in pink glitter sunglasses, a Hello Kitty KandE necklace, Kikwears (raver pants), a purple-and-day-glo-green Adidas shirt and a tiara. Fuck 'em.

Fuck 'em. Let them laugh. I'm here to amuse myself and get shit done. Fuck 'em. This whimsical raver girl you see isn't just a troll. She isn't a fool making airs on the internet. This is my coping mechanism. This is how I get myself by: "This is absurd. They're absurd. I'm absurd." 

I have Nationals coming up on 29DEC. I have to stay fresh. After that, I get my NREMT AEMT certification, then, I have to apply for my Alabama State license so that I can take that over to Louisiana and apply to the State and then to Orleans Parish for reciprocity.

If people are still willing to help me with friends and contacts and places to stay in NOLA, I'd appreciate it. Most of my friends there are party-party or just have no room. They're great people but not reliable. I need to have a safe place to crash while I look for work and then pull myself up onto my feet after Nationals on the 29th.

I want to thank Phox and Kai. Dawn, you literally pulled me back from a very dark place the other day...just pulled me to the surface long enough to take in a lungful of air before my head went under again but that's how we survive, right? One lungful at a time. It was a good breath...a deep breath.

I love you motherfuckers. You've been more decent to me than a lot of people I know IRL, you bunch of raging, bloody shrews. If you're ever in the back of my ambulance, I would totally suction the vom out of your mushy face-holes before shoving your bloody maw into an oxygen mask. 

<3 <3 <3

[East Coast Hustle]

I'm really glad to hear that you persevered in the face of such an idiot "instructor". COngratulations on passing your test!

As far as the relationship thing goes, the only advice I can offer is that nobody is ready for a serious relationship if they are not completely comfortable with themselves whether or not they have that other person in their life. But I also know that's easier said than done sometimes.

[Suu]

Nav, you deserve these:



KITTEN MITTENS.

[Phox]

Well, glad to hear that you passed your stuff.

Like I said, anytime. 

[Kai]

So glad to have been helpful.  Here's hoping things are looking up.

And fuck that instructor dude. I cannot abide that attitude in so called teachers. What a shit-maggot waste of airspace. Lower than a sponge.

[navkat]

Thanks everyone. I'm ready to leave Mobile RIGHT NOW if I had a place in New Orleans to crash. Id just have to be back in Mobile to take Registry on the 29th. That's it.

I'm really glad to hear that you persevered in the face of such an idiot "instructor". COngratulations on passing your test!

As far as the relationship thing goes, the only advice I can offer is that nobody is ready for a serious relationship if they are not completely comfortable with themselves whether or not they have that other person in their life. But I also know that's easier said than done sometimes.

I don't think anyone is 100% comfortable with themselves. It's what drives us to self-improve.

I'm chock-full of insecurities but guess what? So is he...and it's usually about stuff that I see as minimal at worst. It's about perspecive: sometimes you need that other person to say "Darling, you're your own worst critic."

And sometimes you need that other person to tell you when you're full of shit. Like now. He's sabotging himself partly out of stubbornness and partly out of paranoia. He. Is. Full. Of. Shit. And we both know it. And I love him anyway.

[East Coast Hustle]

Balls. Plenty of people are 100% comfortable with themselves. you can be comfortable in your own skin and still seek self-improvement. but perhaps it would have been better phrased as "being comfortable enough in your own skin to not NEED that special someone". After all, no other person can make you complete and thinking they can is a dangerous trap that leads to the sort of situation you find yourself in now. That's not a criticism of you, just an honest observation from someone who's been there before and learned the hard way.

[navkat]

Nav, you deserve these:



KITTEN MITTENS.

THAT EXIST?

HOW THAT EXIST?

[navkat]

Balls. Plenty of people are 100% comfortable with themselves. you can be comfortable in your own skin and still seek self-improvement. but perhaps it would have been better phrased as "being comfortable enough in your own skin to not NEED that special someone". After all, no other person can make you complete and thinking they can is a dangerous trap that leads to the sort of situation you find yourself in now. That's not a criticism of you, just an honest observation from someone who's been there before and learned the hard way.

I don't feel criticized.

This isn't about someone making me complete, you big lug. This is about company. This is about having a best friend while you go through your own shit in life. Life is endless endless shit and if you're waiting for yourself to be perfect before you find a partner or partners, you're going to have to wait a long time. And what about if life doles out some shit again and it fucks you up a bit? Do you break up again?

There ain't nothing wrong with having someone there as long as they aren't a crutch for your self esteem and you're doing the work yourself.

[East Coast Hustle]

Oh, I totally agree. The OP gave me the wrong impression, apparently.

[Telarus]

Congrats on the test!

[LMNO]

Nav, you got friends.  I'm glad I can be one of them.  And if I ever find myself in and around NOLA with a life threatening injury (or, more likely a toxic combination of liquor and body glitter), I know who to call.

[navkat]

I'll suck your beglittered vom too. The suctioning device does not discriminate.