No prescription needed.

[Kai]

Here at WONDERNEW^TM, we're all about goodness for your good sake. But recently, we've noticed a decline in your daily supplements of values. That's right, values, the good things that make the world go around. And not just any values, your values, the right values, the values that make you wonderful and new. The values you lost so long ago, when you started gaining weight, when your teeth went yellow, when your mind was lead away to other values, THEIR values, and now you're lost and your mortgage keeps growing.

Well, here at WONDERNEW^TM we want you to have only the very best in values. Those men on the street, they'll sell you Queer^TM, and Freak^TM, and even Slack^TM. And they tell you, it's a cure for all ills, it will make you happy and smart and wealthy and wise, but we watched you go down that road. We sighed and shook our heads as you lapsed and lapsed again, over and over; a daily supplement that isn't taken daily doesn't work! Soon you had no daily at all, not even Slack^TM.

So we here at WONDERNEW^TM want to bring you back to the WONDERNEW^TM family, where you always belonged. We have your original daily values in our new, old fashioned supplement called WOW^TM. This is the supplement that will keep you coming back day after day, chock full of vitamins, panaceas, placebos, and our old standbys of God^TM, Faith^TM, and the highest quality Echinacea known to man. When you take WOW^TM, you will be regular with the good old fashion VALUES that you always wanted! And due to our specially crafted ingredient made by these fine, hansom young people in the white coats (no, don't thank them, they do this as a gift to society and especially you), you'll never miss a day again. This pinch of our laboratory crafted recipe we call Authority, or A-U^TM, will insure that you'll always be craving the right values, and will never be left wanting.

So, don't wait! Supplies unlimited, and don't fear! No matter how long you've been away,the WONDERNEW^TM family will always welcome you back, no rejections. One dose of WOW^TM, and you'll remember why you came home. We're waiting for you at the door.

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Oh, this is good. 

[Pæs]

SIGN ME UP, MISTER.

THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BEEN MISSING.

[Murmur]

Very nice! Do you have samples? 

[Kai]

Oh, this is good. 

The people at WONDERNEW^TM are good folks, Nigel. They know you are craving something, ANYTHING to get you through the daily grind of our modern society. And apparently, Queer^TM, Freak^TM, and even Slack^TM, aren't working. Everyone knows that they don't work if you don't get your daily dose. After all, that's what values are for! That daily dose of goodness. So if you won't take those values, WOW^TM will fill the gap. And the only side effect is dissociation from reality, at least until near end life. But then it doesn't matter, you're about to be whisked off into the arms of God^TM anyway, right?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Permission to print & distribute?

And how should I attribute it, should permission be given?

[Kai]

Permission to print & distribute?

And how should I attribute it, should permission be given?

Permission granted. Attribute to ZL 'Kai' Burington. I should honestly just change my moniker to that.

[Juana]

WOW^TM changed my life! Before I took WOW^TM, I was so lost and the Freak^TM I was taking just wasn't doing it. I kept lapsing and it was SO disheartening! I didn't know who to look to and everything was so...fluid. It made me feel sick, every time I looked around. Nothing was reliable, nothing was fixed.

But WOW^TM changed all that! I take it everyday and I'm certain of my place - I'm certain of who I am and where I should be and who I should listen to again. My Values are right again. I'm right again. The certainty provided by WOW^TM is calming and reassuring.


Thanks WONDERNEW^TM!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Oh, this is good. 

The people at WONDERNEW^TM are good folks, Nigel. They know you are craving something, ANYTHING to get you through the daily grind of our modern society. And apparently, Queer^TM, Freak^TM, and even Slack^TM, aren't working. Everyone knows that they don't work if you don't get your daily dose. After all, that's what values are for! That daily dose of goodness. So if you won't take those values, WOW^TM will fill the gap. And the only side effect is dissociation from reality, at least until near end life. But then it doesn't matter, you're about to be whisked off into the arms of God^TM anyway, right?

This is exactly what We™ have all been waiting for!