What Makes You Not a Discordian?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I am thinking, particularly, of Mal-2 here, Greg Hill... the crazy bastard that started the whole thing. He ended up a sad drunk, working a 9 to 5 in a big corporation, abandoning all hope and humor. At the end, I don't think he would have called himself Discordian at all. 

I work a 9-5.  I have not abandoned all hope & humor.

No, Dok. You and LMNO and all the other 9-5 spags aren't REAL Discordians. Not really for real. Trust the experts.

[Doktor Howl]

I am thinking, particularly, of Mal-2 here, Greg Hill... the crazy bastard that started the whole thing. He ended up a sad drunk, working a 9 to 5 in a big corporation, abandoning all hope and humor. At the end, I don't think he would have called himself Discordian at all. 

I work a 9-5.  I have not abandoned all hope & humor.

No, Dok. You and LMNO and all the other 9-5 spags aren't REAL Discordians. Not really for real. Trust the experts.

So, A REAL Discordian must be a pillar of hope & humor, and if life kicks the shit out of them until they can't laugh (just give that little hiccuping noise people make when you kick them in the gut), then they get booted out or - worse - pitied?

I'm glad I'm a fake Discordian.  It probably doesn't hurt as much when people shake their heads sadly when you stumble.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I am thinking, particularly, of Mal-2 here, Greg Hill... the crazy bastard that started the whole thing. He ended up a sad drunk, working a 9 to 5 in a big corporation, abandoning all hope and humor. At the end, I don't think he would have called himself Discordian at all. 

I work a 9-5.  I have not abandoned all hope & humor.

No, Dok. You and LMNO and all the other 9-5 spags aren't REAL Discordians. Not really for real. Trust the experts.

So, A REAL Discordian must be a pillar of hope & humor, and if life kicks the shit out of them until they can't laugh (just give that little hiccuping noise people make when you kick them in the gut), then they get booted out or - worse - pitied?

I'm glad I'm a fake Discordian.  It probably doesn't hurt as much when people shake their heads sadly when you stumble.

Yessir, I'm going to stick with the fake Discordians myself, as well. They don't have so many rules.

[Doktor Howl]

I am thinking, particularly, of Mal-2 here, Greg Hill... the crazy bastard that started the whole thing. He ended up a sad drunk, working a 9 to 5 in a big corporation, abandoning all hope and humor. At the end, I don't think he would have called himself Discordian at all. 

I work a 9-5.  I have not abandoned all hope & humor.

No, Dok. You and LMNO and all the other 9-5 spags aren't REAL Discordians. Not really for real. Trust the experts.

So, A REAL Discordian must be a pillar of hope & humor, and if life kicks the shit out of them until they can't laugh (just give that little hiccuping noise people make when you kick them in the gut), then they get booted out or - worse - pitied?

I'm glad I'm a fake Discordian.  It probably doesn't hurt as much when people shake their heads sadly when you stumble.

Yessir, I'm going to stick with the fake Discordians myself, as well. They don't have so many rules.

It's not the rules, Nigel.  They are there for good reason, as you well know.  It's just that sometimes I get tired.  Sometimes I don't shake the benzos off before noon.  Sometimes I have to slow down.  REAL Discordians don't get tired.  They are supermen, who balance on their pedastles.  If they fall off their plinth, they were obviously the wrong men/women for the job...They might be Baptists or something, trying to play a part.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I am thinking, particularly, of Mal-2 here, Greg Hill... the crazy bastard that started the whole thing. He ended up a sad drunk, working a 9 to 5 in a big corporation, abandoning all hope and humor. At the end, I don't think he would have called himself Discordian at all. 

I work a 9-5.  I have not abandoned all hope & humor.

No, Dok. You and LMNO and all the other 9-5 spags aren't REAL Discordians. Not really for real. Trust the experts.

So, A REAL Discordian must be a pillar of hope & humor, and if life kicks the shit out of them until they can't laugh (just give that little hiccuping noise people make when you kick them in the gut), then they get booted out or - worse - pitied?

I'm glad I'm a fake Discordian.  It probably doesn't hurt as much when people shake their heads sadly when you stumble.

Yessir, I'm going to stick with the fake Discordians myself, as well. They don't have so many rules.

It's not the rules, Nigel.  They are there for good reason, as you well know.  It's just that sometimes I get tired.  Sometimes I don't shake the benzos off before noon.  Sometimes I have to slow down.  REAL Discordians don't get tired.  They are supermen, who balance on their pedastles.  If they fall off their plinth, they were obviously the wrong men/women for the job...They might be Baptists or something, trying to play a part.

I'll stay away from that racket, then... I don't have what it takes to stay on a pedestal all the time. At some point I'd be sure to get tired, or sad, or just worn down, or I'd take a job that's not Discordian enough, and then I'd topple off and be revealed for an inadequate sham. I don't want to get ousted from the club, so it's best not to join.

No... better to stay down here with the riff-raff.

[Doktor Howl]

I'll stay away from that racket, then... I don't have what it takes to stay on a pedestal all the time. At some point I'd be sure to get tired, or sad, or just worn down, or I'd take a job that's not Discordian enough, and then I'd topple off and be revealed for an inadequate sham. I don't want to get ousted from the club, so it's best not to join.

No... better to stay down here with the riff-raff.

Here on the Wrong Side of the Tracks, we don't worry about that shit.  If you get depressed or tired or worried about some gargantuan bills you can't pay, we're still your friends.

We're not shiny, like those people on the pedastles, but we're here for you.  If, you know, we make the grade (we aren't very shiny).  Gallant knows better than to associate with small people, tired people, those of us who can't seem to change our horrible ways...But Goofus knows us, and so does Curly.  And they tell us, at least to those of us that listen, that it's okay to take a weekend off to curl up in bed with a book and just pretend that our problems are somewhere else.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I'll stay away from that racket, then... I don't have what it takes to stay on a pedestal all the time. At some point I'd be sure to get tired, or sad, or just worn down, or I'd take a job that's not Discordian enough, and then I'd topple off and be revealed for an inadequate sham. I don't want to get ousted from the club, so it's best not to join.

No... better to stay down here with the riff-raff.

Here on the Wrong Side of the Tracks, we don't worry about that shit.  If you get depressed or tired or worried about some gargantuan bills you can't pay, we're still your friends.

We're not shiny, like those people on the pedastles, but we're here for you.  If, you know, we make the grade (we aren't very shiny).  Gallant knows better than to associate with small people, tired people, those of us who can't seem to change our horrible ways...But Goofus knows us, and so does Curly.  And they tell us, at least to those of us that listen, that it's okay to take a weekend off to curl up in bed with a book and just pretend that our problems are somewhere else.

I think I like hanging out with Goofus, and with Curly. Those guys, they don't judge. They don't seem to mind when my hair's a mess and my makeup's all smeared from crying. They don't get critical when I lay on the couch wearing nothing but a fleece monstrosity and watch the remake of The Honeymooners with a bag of McDonald's apple pies like a typical fat American. They never, ever threaten to kick me out of the club when life is just too fucking hard to make jokes.

[LMNO]

Gotta stay shiny.  Gotta stay ahead.  Gotta stay cheerful.  Gotta stay awake.  Look sharp, look happy, shine yourself up.  Be positive, be optimistic.  Be happy.  Be happy.  Grab each day like the joyous moment it is.  Jump out of bed fresh and ready.  Shine.  Smile.  Shine.  Take what the world shoves your way.  Wipe the effluence of your face, shining.  Be the beacon you're meant to be.  Stay on the bright side, the right side.  Keep smiling.  Pin your grin to the insides of your cheeks.  Stay true, stay shiny.  Keep going.  Keep going.

Shine.

[Doktor Howl]

Gotta stay shiny.  Gotta stay ahead.  Gotta stay cheerful.  Gotta stay awake.  Look sharp, look happy, shine yourself up.  Be positive, be optimistic.  Be happy.  Be happy.  Grab each day like the joyous moment it is.  Jump out of bed fresh and ready.  Shine.  Smile.  Shine.  Take what the world shoves your way.  Wipe the effluence of your face, shining.  Be the beacon you're meant to be.  Stay on the bright side, the right side.  Keep smiling.  Pin your grin to the insides of your cheeks.  Stay true, stay shiny.  Keep going.  Keep going.

Shine.

I'M SMILING!  SEE MY TEETH? 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Gotta stay alternative. Gotta stay fresh, gotta stay now. Gotta stay ahead of the curve. Whatever those guys are doing, we need to make sure we're not doing that. Find the new thing, the hip thing, the thing nobody's thought of doing before. Make it funny. Make it funny. Make it funnier. Stay out of the mainstream, stay off the beaten path. That's right, but not too far off; gotta stay visible. Gotta perform, perform, perform for the audience. Can't lose that audience, now, nosirree we can't have that. Don't want to get too alternative, we might lose one and we need to be seen, need to be heard, need to be the cutting-edge for what's weird and modern and happening. But not too weird. Don't want to be offputting. Can't lose that shine, no, never never ever lose that shine. Smile!

[Doktor Howl]

Gotta stay alternative. Gotta stay fresh, gotta stay now. Gotta stay ahead of the curve. Whatever those guys are doing, we need to make sure we're not doing that. Find the new thing, the hip thing, the thing nobody's thought of doing before. Make it funny. Make it funny. Make it funnier. Stay out of the mainstream, stay off the beaten path. That's right, but not too far off; gotta stay visible. Gotta perform, perform, perform for the audience. Can't lose that audience, now, nosirree we can't have that. Don't want to get too alternative, we might lose one and we need to be seen, need to be heard, need to be the cutting-edge for what's weird and modern and happening. But not too weird. Don't want to be offputting. Can't lose that shine, no, never never ever lose that shine. Smile!

Stay true to your roots.  Worship at the feet of those who have come before you.  They were special; we are not.  Well, maybe a little.  Maybe enough to demand that audience, to play for the crowd, to play for everyone except yourself.  Which is hardly surprising, because if you're yourself, you won't have that audience, you won't be the main character, you'll just be another human.  You might even grow old & die. 

SHINE

[navkat]

Isn't it fun to pick your scabs? Peeeeeel the dead skin off in rings around the healed parts first, then finally, just pop that big old thick part right off and watch it bleeeeeed again and again.

Oh, you tell yourself it's healthy, after all: the wound never really got properly cleaned in the first place. That scab itself was a lie: a dried organic pie of hemoglobin, white blood cells and pebbles you didn't have the balls to scrape off when you first skinned that knee. But now...now the picking will fix that...will go back and right those wrongs.

Over and over and over again. Until it leaves a scar.

But everyone knows, scars are GOOD! Scars are a sign of battles won and lost! Battles with enemies foreign and domestic and...and...

[LMNO]

Be the hero; be the victim; be the narrator; be anything but extras in the back.  Be the center; bet the focus; make sure the spotlight is always on your face.  Find the light; find the words; make them up if you have to.  Make up your face; make up your past; make up your drama.  Make your own adventure more interesting than anyone else's.  Make sure your voice is heard.  Don't bother with content; don't bother with making sense; don't bother with truth.  Get to the front and howl until you drown out the others.  Be the center.  Become the center.  Make the self centered.  Shine.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Once you lose, you lose. Lose that audience, lose that shine, lose that pedestal, lose, loser. Lost. Realness. Gone. Sad, mundane, not a producer. We hate it when our heroes turn out to be made out of flesh and bone. Old and obscure, a nobody. Not real. Not for realness' sake, anyway. No longer doing the song and dance, not writing, not providing us with wisdom, just living for yourself in the end... is that what you want to be? A nobody? A nine-to-fiver? NO. Get back up on that stage and SHINE.

[Doktor Howl]

Remember, Kids:  Bad guys are bad guys.  They aren't human.  If they weren't human, they wouldn't be bad guys...They wouldn't oppose what you think is best for everyone.  They wouldn't laugh so much.  They wouldn't try to convince people to laugh at things that aren't funny, things that no right-thinking person would joke about.

And since they aren't human, they have no feelings.  It is perfectly okay to say whatever you like to or about them, either to make your friends laugh or to show how much you really hate how much they're wrong.  It's okay to ignore them.  In fact, it's better to cut off all contact with them, and leave them to their fate, secure in the virtuousness of your own position.

Because they're the BAD GUYS.  They don't SHINE.  They ANTI-SHINE.  So you can just leave them broken in the dirt with the other things you've discarded over the course of your life.