evolutionary baby-watching

[Dildo Argentino]

this morning i spent about four hours with my 18-month-old daughter Liza while her mum went off to do something on her own (for once, for crying out loud!)

for the time being, these still quite rare occasions, which started very tentatively when she was about 8 months old, have been periods which require me to devote my full attention to her practically all the time

but recently she has been leaving base for increasing periods up to even half an hour when the siblings are around, and this morning, too, for a while she was quite content to find solitary activities for herself with me hovering discreetly in the background

but then, say 90 minutes in, she realised that mum was not around and was not to be had either at a moments notice, had a little cry and asked me to pick her up

i did this and went about my business with baby on hip, asking about once every ten minutes whether she would like to be put down, which she always turned down with great clarity and determination

then she told me she was hungry and wanted some potato, so i told her okay, but i would have to put her down in order to get some potatos out, get a saucepan, etc. etc., in great detail

she said yes, okay

so i put her on the floor and got to it quick, and she watched me with great interest and did not start complaining

but when i finished and sat down at the computer (probably aiming to look at your bloody junk or add to it), she immediately came up to me and asked to be picked up

so i started experimenting and found after about 8-10 trials that Liza is much more likely to let go of me for a few minutes if this is in order to allow me to do "work" - but work for her involves manipulating and moving objects continually

when i tried to work on the computer, even standing up, she immediately cut in and demanded to be picked up

the same if i just sat still or stood still, and the same, though only after a considerate pause of about thirty seconds, if i was on the phone

strange, ha?

could something like a propensity for acting as if she thought "it pays off to let primary caretaker get on with stuff every now and then even if i feel pretty scared and lonely" be hardwired, primate stuff?

[AFK]

Well, she let you get on with making food for her because, you were making food for her. 

She isn't happy with you being on the computer because you staring at a screen doesn't meet any of her infant needs, which at 8 months are pretty much feed me, play with me, nurture me.  She will be keen with your "work" as long as she can perceive it is "work" that is meeting one of those needs. 

[navkat]

Get a Baby Bjorn carrier and indulge her attachment needs until she feels secure.

Do NOT continue to play the "ask her permission" game with her.

[AFK]

Or shut off the computer, put down the phone, and build block towers all over the place. 

[navkat]

I think a lot of primates carry the baby on their backs until proper attachment has occurred and the baby is ready to be independent on its own. I'm pretty sure the males take turns as well being caregiver.

It's normal. Just don't let it become a manipulation tool or she'll be a miserable adult in her relationships.

[navkat]

Or shut off the computer, put down the phone, and build block towers all over the place.

Agreed. It's especially important for females to know that they're a priority to daddy or she will grow up settling for men who treat her like trash and learn to use whining and guilt to get love from them.

[AFK]

That, and just nurturing and instilling the joy of playing.  When we lose that, we're fucked. 

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

Wow, 18 months is a little old to still be a hip baby.  She's walking and mobile right?  Most kids do not want to be held constantly once they obtain their own mobility.

If she is developmentally ok and there are no issues, she should be able to self entertain for small amounts of time with the proper stimulation.  Sit her on the floor with a few pots and wooden spoons and let her bang them and amuse herself!

[navkat]

Yeah but dad isn't primary caregiver. Her insecurity is normal because she isn't confident that daddy is available to meet her needs and her routine is being upset.

Dad needs to make it clear that he's plugged in while still being firm about his needs. He should be having dialogue with her: "now I'm going to put you in your high chair and you're going to watch daddy cook these noodles." At no point should she be rebuffed in favor of a computer at this point in their relationship. She should be included in his activities until mom gets home.

[AFK]

Ahh, missed that the kid was 18 months, I thought she was 8 months.  That puts a new spin on it.  Probably some understandable insecurity, plus at 18 months, they probably know that the computer and phone are distractions for adults, which means drawing attention away from the kiddo. 

[Dildo Argentino]

Get a Baby Bjorn carrier and indulge her attachment needs until she feels secure.

i don't know what you're referring to, but at the last count, we had five different baby-carrying devices around the house:

a mei-tai, a flexible cloth carrier (admittedly, she outgrew that one long ago), an inflexible cloth carrier, a modern contraption that is called a kangaroo today and a weird piece of plastic with a very wide belt which serves as a kind of hip-perch

i was the proof-reader of the hungarian translation of the continuum concept and have been an attachment parent for about 15 years

Do NOT continue to play the "ask her permission" game with her.

thanks for that, really

[Dildo Argentino]

Well, she let you get on with making food for her because, you were making food for her. 

funny you should say that because i had the same notion

and tried a number of other object-shifting activities, including entirely senseless ones involving objects she hasn't seen, and that still held her at bay

She isn't happy with you being on the computer because you staring at a screen doesn't meet any of her infant needs, which at 8 months are pretty much feed me, play with me, nurture me.  She will be keen with your "work" as long as she can perceive it is "work" that is meeting one of those needs.

well funny you should say that....

just sitting or standing still, attention on her and talking to her, but not holding, was not good enough, but the moment i started fiddling with objects, she settled a bit

and before you start assuming that i do cruel experiments with my daughter, every 1-minute trial was followed by 10-15 minutes of holding and getting on with stuff in perfect cooperation

[Dildo Argentino]

Agreed. It's especially important for females to know that they're a priority to daddy or she will grow up settling for men who treat her like trash and learn to use whining and guilt to get love from them.

that is a preposterous inference to draw!

did you not just lecture me on science and critical thinking before, elsewhere?

perhaps you didn't

[Dildo Argentino]

That, and just nurturing and instilling the joy of playing.  When we lose that, we're fucked.

that, on the other hand, is the perfect truth

[Dildo Argentino]

Wow, 18 months is a little old to still be a hip baby.  She's walking and mobile right?  Most kids do not want to be held constantly once they obtain their own mobility.

as i said, dear attentive reader, mummy was out of the house and not to be had for 4 hours (!!!!)

at other times, she is perfectly alright, walks, runs, climbs ladders (and jumps into beanbags from slightly worrying heights), talks, jokes - pretty cool, actually

If she is developmentally ok and there are no issues, she should be able to self entertain for small amounts of time with the proper stimulation.  Sit her on the floor with a few pots and wooden spoons and let her bang them and amuse herself!

as i say, this sort of thing works just fine in most situations

but this was a special situation