Author Topic: What was really in that apple  (Read 742 times)

P3nT4gR4m

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What was really in that apple
« on: January 16, 2012, 07:06:25 pm »
It began with a young deity mucking about with some modelling clay. You've all heard the story, I'm sure. God made Adam and brought him to life in his own little sandbox world and Adam started running about giving everything names and then, once that was done, he started getting kinda bored so God gave him something with bewbs that could wash the dishes and stuff (If you ever needed any more proof that genesis was written by a misogynistic little fuck)

But there was a problem. What started out as a fun diversion for the lord started to take on a life of it's own. These little bastards were smart. Real smart. Too fucking smart, and inquisitive to boot. God got nervous. If he didn't do something soon they'd end up smarter than him and, back in those days, that notion didn't sit right with his enormous godlike ego.

Problem was that the more he thought about taking away a significant portion of the clay from their heads, the more it felt like admitting defeat. God was smart too, maybe not nobel prize-smart but he was a hell of an engineer and a devious bastard to boot. If he was going to save face he'd much rather do it within the game rules. So he hatched a cunning plan...

Next morning Adam and his plaything woke up to discover a new tree in the garden. Great big shiny fucker with neon lights and tinsel and all kinds of attention grabbing things, not least of which was one huge, shiny golden apple, just hanging there, right about shoulder height. "WTF?" asked Adam.

"what?" replied God, all coy and innocent, like.

"The tree." replied Adam, "What's with the new tree?"

"Oh that." Said God, all casual and reverse psychology, "Just ignore that. You can eat all the other shit you see but you have to leave that fucker well alone. It's the tree of ULTIMATE KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL. You don't want to be eating that fruit, it's bad for you.

So you know what happened - they ate the fruit. Just like God had planned. And do you know what it did? It made them retarded. And God breathed a sigh of relief.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: What was really in that apple
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2012, 07:08:26 pm »
Dammit, this was my next installment.

 :lulz:

"Tell the monkeys they can't have ONE thing, and sit back and watch them go."
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: What was really in that apple
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2012, 07:08:53 pm »
GIT OUTTA MAH HAID!
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

P3nT4gR4m

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Re: What was really in that apple
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2012, 07:09:54 pm »
You should take most of the credit I was riffing off your Jesus thing but I didn't want to threadjack
I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and itís not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesnít matter." -- Max Tegmark

The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: What was really in that apple
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2012, 07:12:42 pm »
You should take most of the credit I was riffing off your Jesus thing but I didn't want to threadjack

What's amazing is that this is damn near word for word what I was going to write as the first part of the next section.  I'm still going to write it, because it is used to contrast the difference between humans and angels, explaining why humans were necessary when angels already existed.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

navkat

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Re: What was really in that apple
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2012, 07:18:09 pm »
It is the essence of human tenacity and stupidity.

Dysfunctional Cunt

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Re: What was really in that apple
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2012, 07:30:28 pm »
 :lulz:

Nice work P3nT! 

Cramulus

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Re: What was really in that apple
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2012, 08:49:57 pm »
YUO INSUFFERABLE BUTT-SMOKES HAVE BEEN MUNCHING ESPECIALLY HARD ON THE IDIOT APPLE HARRRRR
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