A Drink With Jesus, part I of V

[The Good Reverend Roger]

When I saw Jesus at the Hotel Congress, he was on his 9th glass of wine.  The bartender was looking happy about the whole thing, because he was just serving Jesus water, and collecting tips as if it were a drink (Jesus is always good to the help, just as he is good to everyone with a shitty job or station in life.  Apparently, the rich already have a nice existence, and don't need him as much.).

I sat down next to him, and I asked him if I could discuss a few things with him.  He nodded assent, so I asked him first why he doesn't save in Tucson.  He replied that he's been busy, mostly in Portland, where he hangs out under bridges in abject misery, explaining to the people whose souls float up out of their cars or just out of their bodies that he had only been joking a bit...and he didn't expect them to take it all so seriously. 

"Remember when I mentioned the birds of the field?  I meant that.  Life is too precious to take seriously...Yet here are all these people, right, they think they have some kind of artificial standard to live up to, they think that they don't really matter...So they listen to the song of the bridges, and over they go.  What I tried to tell people 2000 years ago is that everybody matters.  Everyone.  The rich, the poor, the destitute, the meek..."

Then I asked him about modern Christianity.  He glared at me owlishly over his drink, and got a little riled.

"I never said any of that shit.  Everything from the end of Acts II forward until the beginning of Revelation was written by what you'd call a bobbie...Some power-hungry asshole from Tarsus who saw a way to make a grab at temporal power.  So he took everything I said and twisted it around, he took everything I said and made it about hate and fear and hierarchy.  Ever since then, Christianity has become the anti-me as foretold by John of Patmos."

"And how about him?  Was he telling the straight poop, or not?"

"Most of the time he was just all fucked up on mushrooms, but some of what he has to say is accurate...Like Revelation 11:18.  See, my dad made this really nice planet for you guys, and you're shitting all over it."

"And how about the part where you come back as a lion instead of a lamb?"

"I decided against it.  I really, really like humans, and you guys do enough rotten shit to each other without my help.  That's why we cancelled judgment day.  I mean, what the hell could we do to you that you haven't done to yourself?  Read the Book of Daniel and Revelation some time, and compare it to world war I and the holocaust and My Lai and all the other shit you managed in the last century alone.  Instead, I just try to pick up the pieces as, one by one, you all explode and head for the bridges."

"I thought suicide got you sent to hell?"

"Hell is a human invention, Roger.  We certainly wouldn't send the mentally ill there.  Or the exhausted.  Or the grief-stricken.  We used to consider despair the worst of all sins, but it's kind of become the default human condition, hasn't it?  You guys should do something about that."

"We should?  I thought that's what you were there for."

"Oh, shut up.  We're your stash.  We're the drug you take when thinking gets too rough.  I think that's really all WE need to do.  YOU need to think about maybe making YOUR world – and it IS yours – into a better place.  My job was to set an example, and maybe explain a thing or two.  I did that, but YOU haven't been holding up your end.  If I didn't love you all so much, I'd have just walked away in disgust a couple of thousand years ago."

"What about people who don't believe in you?"

"They don't have to believe in me.  That isn't actually a requirement.  What they DO have to do is USE that life they've been given, to ENJOY it and stop worrying so damn much.  What, I am constantly asked, is the REASON God put you here?  It's easy.  You were put here to LIVE.  Most of you can't seem to grasp that simple concept.  Hell, everyone thinks the goal is to die rich...And that's as dumb as hell, because you really CAN'T take it with you...Because you don't NEED it.  It's all trash, piled on your back like that hag in the movie Labyrinth.  It doesn't matter.  Now, fuck off.  Mary Magdalene is due to arrive in a couple of minutes, and we have some catching up to do.  Come see me again in a few days."

To be continued.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Best gospel I've ever read. Closer to the truth than that medieval bullshit, too!

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Best gospel I've ever read. Closer to the truth than that medieval bullshit, too!

Well, I've always thought Jesus got a raw deal from his fan club.  They make him look like Charles Manson.  I've read the New Testament a few times, and I didn't get that impression at all.  He was just this guy who went around healing ailments (successfully) and trying to get people to be better people (no so much).

And now he's got assholes like Rick Santorum putting words in his mouth.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Fucking EXCELLENT.

[Don Coyote]

This is the Jesus I had read about. I was going to ask if you were going to end up wandering into other relgious figures, but maybe I should think about one and then do my own write ups.
Looking forward to the next installment.

[Phox]

I believe this needs to be published and distributed to churches. Seriously.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

This is the Jesus I had read about. I was going to ask if you were going to end up wandering into other relgious figures, but maybe I should think about one and then do my own write ups.
Looking forward to the next installment.

One major religion at a time.   

But yeah, others will be involved.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I believe this needs to be published and distributed to churches. Seriously.

Well, let me finish it first.  But that might not be a bad idea.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

This is how I always thought Jesus would really be.  Very nice!!!

[Kai]

Hey.

I know you usually write horror (often with mirth).

But this is actually uplifting.

I don't know if this is a new idea for you or an old idea that you are bringing back in a new way. I look forward to the rest.

In any case, thanks.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

This is how I always thought Jesus would really be.  Very nice!!!

Biblically speaking, he liked his booze.  He talks about it in Luke, IIRC.  I'll have to look it up.

But what Holy Man™ doesn't get all fucked up?  It's a direct result of the job.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Hey.

I know you usually write horror (often with mirth).

But this is actually uplifting.

I think I've expressed the horror of the 21st century, at least for now.  Trying something else ATM.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

This is how I always thought Jesus would really be.  Very nice!!!

Biblically speaking, he liked his booze.  He talks about it in Luke, IIRC.  I'll have to look it up.

But what Holy Man™ doesn't get all fucked up?  It's a direct result of the job.

You are quite right, it's impossible not to get fucked up from the whole thing.  I imagine it's easier these days with PILLZ but hey, I see Jesus as a purist, dealing with the issues in a non-pharma way!!!

In all really good, I like it a lot!!

[Kai]

Hey.

I know you usually write horror (often with mirth).

But this is actually uplifting.

I think I've expressed the horror of the 21st century, at least for now.  Trying something else ATM.

Again, thanks.

When I say uplifting, I mean one of those "Who am I becoming? What am I doing?" self awareness moments that leads to doing something different.

[navkat]

I believe he was stickin it in Mary Magdalen.