The Second Coming

[Da6s]

is not Tim fucking Tebow.

Disclaimer: I will talk about sports herein, including american football. I do not consider myself a sports enthusiast (excluding "winter" sports), so don't try to discuss this shit with me. You'll be speaking greek and I really don't give a fuck.


Fuck I hate that dude. Oh how I hate him. Oh how I've hated him. And somehow, by some twisted joke of fate or whatthefuck have you, I cannot escape this goody fuck two shoes.

I tried. He followed me.

My tech monkey job back in knox was working for a mba program at the university of tennessee. TN's football team was utter shit all five years I lived there. Hell, the only decent TN game I saw in those five years was when we stomped a hole in LSU's ass using our shitty third string QB right after Katrina fucked their shit up. That night was awesome. There was a student "riot" (at least that's what the knoxville news sentinel called it), complete with a futon mattress being torched at the entrance to Neyland. Yep, them crazy tn kids sure know how to throw on a good riot.

That game was my freshman year, and we had the shittiest of shitty qb's, a true fuckoff named Eric Ainge. I used to hate him more than any sports figure I'd ever heard of. I was naive.

TN's arguably worst rival in the SEC is fucking florida. The animosity was bred by Steve Spurrier, a native tennesseean, snubbing the head coaching position at TN in favor of going to the swamp. This hatred ran, and still runs deep in the hearts of all orange blooded vol fans. A popular shirt in the tackiest of orange and white, that was still being worn by the fandom just before my exodus read "Hey Spurrier, Up Yours!" Point being, volfans hate gators. They tailgate and eat gator tail. It's not uncommon at these tail gate events to see whateverthefuck the fl mascot gator is named stuffed animals hanging from nooses or being drug behind trucks. That state is full of fucking rednecks.

I digress.

It was in the midst of this shitty decade of football that spurriers replacement urban meyer lifted this golden child up to become my most hated of all sports celebrities. He blasted onto the scene the year after the futon bonfire game, and didn't do much, though the gators won the championship. The next year he won the heisman. The next year they again won the championship. The next year they lost to Bama, and tebow wept.

Proof:



Just looking at his face makes me want to shank something. Also, it should be noted that tebow was known for crying. A lot. I'm not sure what always brought him to tears, but it makes me happy nonetheless.

Graduation time came, and wonder child shocked everyone by saying he was declining continuing his football career, and instead was going to go into mission work to spread the word o' the lord. This was fine with me, because he looks like a third world country might do him some good. I'd especially enjoy seeing him in Africa trying to tell a bloated stomach dying child that jesus loves him. I honestly believe he'd do that too. Fucking zealots.

Tebow was leaving on his jesus journey, and there was peace for a time. I began to plan my exodus, and as I tend to do, stopped giving a shit about sports. I left tn, and visited an old friend for a night in st louis. This friend is a big dude, 6'4", criminal justice major, but has been unable to find a legit cop job on account of knee problems, and so he works as a security guard. He's also a huge sports fan. He's also cruel.

Within 10 minutes of arriving in st louis and saying hello to the long lost friend we departed for a nearby dive bar to drink and catch up. In the course of this conversation he asks my target destination, i discuss the interview, and the following conversation occurs, to the best of my memory:

B - so how far are you going to be from denver?
Me - I dunno, an hour, maybe two.
B - so are you a broncos fan now?
M - ha, we'll see. do they suck as bad as the titans?
B - off and on. you know who their new quarterback for this season is right?
M - No clue. you know me, I don't keep up with this shit.
B - It's tim tebow.
M - *20 seconds pass, denial strikes* I thought he was doing missionary stuff?
B - Nah, he actually released a statement that he felt being in the NFL would give him a greater platform to spread gods word
M - ...you mean he's fucking following me? GOD DAMMIT!!!
B - You seriously didn't know that?
M - No, I fucking didn't, and I'm not happy about it.
B - Yep, Bronco's drafted him on first round. He's been in denver training all summer.
M - oh for fucks sake.

I drink more, and try to push it out of my mind. I mean it was colorado right? everyone's going to be obsessed with the slopes and no ones going to give a shit about broncos football, right?

Fucking wrong.

Every. Goddamn. Game. Weekly on the radio. All over twitter. All over the bars I frequent TV's. Tim fucking Tebow. He won't go the fuck away, and I can't escape him. Zealots cite every victory he pulls out of his ass at the end of the game as proof of gods existence. They also have no comment when the broncos lose.

Tonight the final straw broke the camels back. The broncs beat the steelers, and that was ok. I glanced at my twitter feed, because I'm a fucking addict, and sure enough four different fuckfaces have retweeted the following tonight: "Tebow threw for 316 yards in the game tonight. John 3:16!!! Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!" or "So Tebow threw for 316 yards at a 31.6 per attempt. Is this God influencing football"

I can't fucking take it anymore. I've known this country was full of the batshit insane, but fuck.

I can handle the tebow-ing thing, despite the name, because mocking fundamentalists brings me joy. Hell, I even forgive the tourists who insist on doing it at the top of the mountain while they have their picture taken. That's forgivable. But jesus fuck people, stop invoking tebow's name as proof of gods existence.

TIM TEBOW DOES NOT HAVE A SINGLE FUCKING THING TO DO WITH THE EXISTENCE OF GOD. JUST BECAUSE HE OPENLY BARES HIS MISGUIDED ZEALOTRY DOES NOT MEAN THAT A DIVINE CREATOR GIVES A SINGLE CLOUD FLOATING FUCK ABOUT AMERICAN FOOTBALL.

Hell, fucking football wasn't even around until eons and eons after the major religious texts were written. And no, no one gives a shit about you, book of mormon.

I'd continue this rant further on all the little appearances of Tebow that happen in my daily life, and why he's a fucking horrible person and should be assassinated by a member of a crazy kooky cult, but christmas hell made me start smoking again and I've gone four days with no nicotine and this rant and my own pissed-off-ness over tim fuckhead tebow isn't going to ruin that for me.

- Or Kill Me. Better yet, slay tebow. Bonus points if you crucify him.

[Hoser McRhizzy]

I had no idea who this guy was until Nigel linked to some songs in the Lupus-Youtube thread last week.  Seen his name pop up in a couple of online places I frequent, but the combination of not knowing his name and the fundie overtones of every thread title kept me from caring even the tiniest bit.  "What's a tebow?"  Just assumed it was another internet meme, but one for fundies.  Therefore, no clicking through.

Now, all the threads about him make me think of the doc Jesus Camp.  Those kids grew up and they just know God wants them to win the superbowl.

Maybe he'll be president someday?  Will it be between him and Arnie?

What's a bit interesting at the moment is that - because I don't jive with the xtian world his fan base is coming from and don't give two fucks about sports - I'm able to see the way the media is chasing his popularity.  The more people talk about him online, the more "legit" mass media news outlets talk about his performance.  We've been seeing it for ages, but it's always interesting to watch news orgs chase people's attention around.  Easier when it's something you don't personally give a shit about, or better, something I find it easy to be critical about.

What I mean to say is, when the mass media is reporting about something I care about for the exact same reason (people seem to care about this thing according to our internet-dometor so let's up our readership by writing a story about it), I'm less likely to see the eyeball-chasing.  I get sucked in, in a way that I don't with stuff like this Tebow person.

Just thoughts.  Thanks for writing this - it helped me get my head around "WhoeverMania and why it matters."

... was when we stomped a hole in LSU's ass using our shitty third string QB right after Katrina fucked their shit up.

Very off topic, but maybe you care about this: Speaking as a faggy dyke, it takes serious suspension of disbelief (ie. "that's not what they meant, ... just a kid, that's just the way sports people talk, they don't know any better, they don't seriously think about raping gay boys and what's a QB and what was that about Katrina") to get past sentences like this to read the rest of your post.  I stopped exactly here twice and would've missed what you had to say if I didn't come back a third time and skip this bit.  I'm not saying "Be moar politically correct now cus ahm so sens-s'tive."  Just pointing out where you lost me.

[LMNO]

Wait.  "Stomped a hole in someone's ass"  is a rape metaphor?  Do you also think someone's a homophobe if they say, "you suck"?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

"Stomping a hole in someone's ass" means "to beat them up".

I've never heard it used as a rape metaphor.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Wait.  "Stomped a hole in someone's ass"  is a rape metaphor?  Do you also think someone's a homophobe if they say, "you suck"?

And YOU are a CRIMINAL!  If you continue to behave inappropriately in this way, Newt will bring you to justice, and this is no threat but a warning!  How DARE you interfere in other peoples' lives?  Your unfortunate bandmates must need lots of psychotherapy to deal with the raw horror of being around you!  I feel so sorry for your bass player!  He deserves better than you!  You are a bad man and a pervert!  Did you do too much acid in the 80's?

Your writing is BIG GAY porn and there is already too much of that around.  No one needs you to add to it!  Why don't you just quit taking drugs?  You make no sense anyway!  You are obviously from the goatee dimension! You are a filthy disgusting poor excuse for a human being, and may you rot in Tucson before long!

AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!

[LMNO]

Let me guess -- another day of four-hour meetings on what to talk about at the next meeting?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Let me guess -- another day of four-hour meetings on what to talk about at the next meeting?

Last day before 9 days off, and my boss is already trying to find ways to fuck with it.

[LMNO]

NINE DAYS OFF?


That's just UNAMERICAN.  I bet you kiss terrorists, too.  On the beard.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

NINE DAYS OFF?


That's just UNAMERICAN.  I bet you kiss terrorists, too.  On the beard.

After I rub my face on their wives' ḥijābs.

[Roly Poly Oly-Garch]

Thing about Tebow that actually makes him a story beside the anti-abortion ads, TD Kneel Downs, etc, is that he is a very, very bad NFL quarterback. Coming out of college everybody knew he would be bad in the NFL. Drafting him in the first round is a big part of what cost the Bronco's former coach his job. He just truly sucks...BAD.

But for some reason, the 59 minutes of horrendous suckery he'd throw out each game, was still enough to keep the Bronco's close in a lot of games and then for one minute, he'd be good...really good, and the Bronco's would win. Watching actual sportscasters talk about the phenomena, I'd always see them smirking, laughing, shaking their head with a sincere WTF. That seemed to be the "in-the-know" consensus about the guy. He sucks but he wins and wtf??? Having the religious thing there was just too easy to resist.

For my part, I can't stand him because he wins. I was kind of looking forward to the Broncos doing really horribly this year and maybe getting one of the good quarterbacks that are coming out in the draft. Instead Tebow "miracled" out enough wins to put the Broncos in late position in the draft while still holding on to a quarterback that will never be able to win consistently, but will forever be headline news. It's exasperating and I just wish he'd go away.

[East Coast Hustle]

I hate the Broncos like Paul hates Yoko.

Which is one of the reasons I LIKE Tim Tebow. His continued success obviously pisses John Elway off, and anything that pisses Horseface off is OK in my book.

Also, I feel like I should point out that the Tebow hype is entirely media-driven and not the work of the man himself. And by all accounts, he is completely genuine, one of the nicest people on the planet, and really does live to help the less fortunate and doesn't care one bit if they're christian, muslim, gay, black, green, whatever.

Also also, whoever got butthurt about the phrase "stomp a hole in their asses" needs to change their diapers.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Wait.  "Stomped a hole in someone's ass"  is a rape metaphor?  Do you also think someone's a homophobe if they say, "you suck"?

Hahaha what

I missed that part. Mostly because I didn't read the OP.

[Hoser McRhizzy]

Hahaha what

That was me being a douchenozzle.

Also also, whoever got butthurt about the phrase "stomp a hole in their asses" needs to change their diapers.

This is truth.  I'd go back and edit the note out of my post, but it's better to leave the derp hanging out.

"Stomping a hole in someone's ass" means "to beat them up".

I hear you.  It was the combination of stomping holes in asses and fucking their shit (was not saying that's what was meant).

Wait.  "Stomped a hole in someone's ass"  is a rape metaphor?  Do you also think someone's a homophobe if they say, "you suck"?

YES!  No one is allowed to use words EVAR AGGIN because sex is bad and everything rapey all the time!!!  And so begins my tyrannical regime of fascistic political correctness!  BWAhahahahaha!!!  Feer meh!

I had no idea that's how I came across.  A whole mess of stupid.

For the record Da6, it might seem totally semantic now, but I didn't call you homophobic and I didn't intend to either.  What I mentioned at the end of my post was one macho-football sentence out of the entire piece and my specific trouble getting past it – which I now own was ridiculously douchy.  Not that you do or should care, but I think you're a good egg and I like you.  I read your Shangri-la thread every time you update and enjoy your writing, even though I don't usually comment.

Of course, if you feel insulted, attacked or offended in any way, I've read enough of your writing to assume you'll have no problem letting me know.

Apologies for the threadjack.

[East Coast Hustle]

Phew!

I was worried for a minute, because you've always struck me as a pretty sensible/reasonable person.

But no worries, we all get a case of the DERP now and then.