The Truth About TRONE

[AFK]

I've lived in TRONE all of my life.  Well, except for that one year I lived in New Jersey, but we shall never speak about that again!

Specifically, I live in the part of TRONE we call Maine.  I quite frequently travel to the other parts of TRONE, aka New Hampshire and Vermont.

Now, you outsiders may be asking yourself, what the fuck is TRONE?  The Rest of New England.

Yes, that is what we are called if you are a National News person talking about weather-related news.  Or giving the forecast. 

Whenever a hell-on-earth snow storm breaks loose, the weather guys will tell you about all the shit it is about to rain down on New York, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Massachusetts.....and then...."the rest of New England"

That's right, they dare not speaketh our names.  This ain't new.  It's been going on for as long as I can remember.  Is it laziness?  Is it because they all suck at geography?  Considering my part of TRONE, Maine, is the only state in the union that is one syllable, that seems unlikely.

No, the reality is that it is part of a Conspiracy. 

That's right, there is a vast underground network of TV Weathermen who are part of a larger Shadowy Conspiracy to get us out of the Union.  I'm telling you right now!  And I know Al Roker is in it right up to his fat face!   

Now, you'd think, what kind of sway can some stupid TV WeatherStooge really have?  Right?  Well, you need look no further than poor old Willard Scott.  Willard dared to stray from the cause.  One day he dared utter "New Hampshire" in a weather forecast, and now look at him.  A poor old, bumbling, blabbering, stuttering boob.  Clearly someone slipped something into his Smuckers.  But they let him live as a warning to all other TV Weatherguys.  You stray from the mission, you get chemical induced Dementia and forced to read stupid birthday cards!

But why do they fear TRONE?  Why do they want to distance the rest of America from TRONE?  Maybe it is resentment when they come to our vacationing grounds and we tell them to fuck off when they clog up our roads!  Maybe it's because we rape their wallets for the pleasure of eating a red sea bug.  Maybe it's because Vermont is just plain chock full o' crazy mountain men!  (I can kind of see their point there)  Maybe Stephen King put a curse on them.  (I can understand that one too.  I mean, there was that one guy who hit him with a van, and then ended up dying months later.  Kinda creepy.)

Whatever their ill-conceived reason, it is clear they have it out for us and bad.  They will not rest until the rest of America has forgotten our names and we are given back to Canada. 

But my friends, it is going to take more than a bunch of vanilla, failed news-casters to ostracize the mighty region of TRONE!  We will not go quietly into the Maritimes!  We will stand firm....and charge you TWICE for a boiled lobster dinner!  And you WON'T get any fucking lemons!

[Nephew Twiddleton]

You got it a bit backwards there sir. See you troners get ignored because pine trees have a significantly larger voting block than humans. Mainiacs specifically because you all used to be proper massholes like me and lmno and eve and pope tom. But no, you had to leave the state of massachusetts. Vermonters get ignored because theyre all a bunch of hippies or drunk hillbilly hunters. Have you evr been to montpelier? Thats their capital? New hampshire gets ignored because they cant be bothered to pay taxes. And theyre drunken hillbilly bikers. That scene in terminator 2 where arnold steals the bike wasnt cali. That was manchester. And anyway like i said you didnt have to be trone. You could have been greater boston.

[AFK]

But look at the service we provide you Southern New Englanders.  WE absorb most of the French Canadian tourists!  WE attract most of the fucking snow!  Fuck, if there is some sketchy looking guy on a plane who might blow it up with his trousers, where do they send them?  TRONE! 

Oh no!  Cat Stevens is going to blow us up with his crappy folk songs, SEND THE PLANE TO BANGOR!!!! 

[Nephew Twiddleton]

We get snow and all that other junk too. But not as much as you guys because this part of new england is a metropolis. Cut down more trees build more buildings and use less birth control and you can be important like us too.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

And anyway you all dont fool me. I know that you have an underwater base that leads to a subterranean city underneath moosehead lake.

[AFK]

We get snow and all that other junk too. But not as much as you guys because this part of new england is a metropolis. Cut down more trees build more buildings and use less birth control and you can be important like us too.

Well, there was the experimentation of getting more booze in the hands of the TRONE female population, to lower inhibitions and raise the birth rate.  Unfortunately, all of the 50 year old ladies have been bogarting all of the coffee brandy, so that kind of backfired on us. 

[AFK]

And anyway you all dont fool me. I know that you have an underwater base that leads to a subterranean city underneath moosehead lake.

Well, we gotta go somewhere when you southern bastards start flooding the place come June. 

I mean, I have no idea of what you are talking about sir. 

[Nephew Twiddleton]

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Its ok man. We tell the truth when we say were coming for the foliage. Its just that we use the foliage for nefarious and top secret purposes. You can have your underwater hideaways were only interested in your abundant leaf resources.

[AFK]

Yeah, I've never really understood that whole thing.  They are leaves.  Is an orange leaf that much more interesting than a green leaf?  It's just a dead leaf.  And can't you guys just Google that shit?  Why do you need to be on my roads, swerving around at 20 MPH to look at some dead leaves?  I mean, you won't see me making a trek to Florida to look at dead palm leaves. 

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I dont get it either. There are oak and maple trees every 15 feet jutting out of the sidewalks in a lot of places in boston.

[East Coast Hustle]

And anyway you all dont fool me. I know that you have an underwater base that leads to a subterranean city underneath moosehead lake.

Well, we gotta go somewhere when you southern bastards start flooding the place come June. 

I mean, I have no idea of what you are talking about sir. 

Indeed. There is certainly NOT a massive underground bunker complex beneath Mt. Kineo. And the reason we're so against turning the north woods into a national park is definitely NOT because we're afraid you'll discover that Atlantis never actually sunk, we just towed it up the Penobscot to Dover-Foxcroft and then trucked it into the woods on flatbeds to reassemble it under "Baxter State Park". Because none of that is true, so why would we worry about it being discovered?

[Nephew Twiddleton]