Oh, ye wretches that only stand and wait! Do ye not know the awful punishment that awaits thee? Do ye not know that there is no room in heaven or even heck for people who are merely spectators? Who only VIEW, who never speak, who keep WAITING? Is it not written1 that ye shall be cast into the Nashville Bus Station for eternity? Ye shall want for food, but only the vending machines shall await thee!
Will “Bob” or Eris hear thy excuses? “I never know what to say”, thou shall plead, and you will be told, “neither did anyone else, and THEY spewed!”. Then ye shall be tipped over in the prank chair, and go down that horrible slide into the darkness, arriving in Phoenix with strange welts and inexplicable puncture marks, and lawyers and collection agents shall jam writs under your door and Sheriff Joe will pull you over on suspicion of being suspicious, and yea, his flunkies will beat thee black & blue.
There shall be no joy in Mudville, for ye shall always strike out. There will be no parking. Traffic will ALWAYS suck. The minimum wait in the urgent care clinic (which you will become intimately familiar with) shall be measured in geologic epochs. The radio will only play Taylor Swift. You will have to wear a tie at your new job, and suspenders covered in “flash”, while you serve food to obnoxious & obese demons who never tip.
Your car will overheat, but only on the way HOME from work. Your shoes will melt on the sidewalk. Your cereal will START OUT mushy, and then just turn horrible. The back of the ambulance is full of Glendale cops, and they will teach YOU not to ever again increase their paperwork. Dogs will bite you. Rats the size of Newt Gingrich’s ass will gnaw on you in your sleep. Valley fever will be your DEFAULT HEALTH CONDITION.
You have been warned, O ye miserable wretched fucktard assmonkeys. So just sit there and VIEW, and pretend that EVERYTHING’S OKAY, when you know deep inside it’s NOT OKAY, and that sneer on your lips will be wiped off and a sickly smile will be STAPLED TO YOUR FACE, so you can walk around pretending EVERYTHING’S JUST GREAT. But you’ll know. Oh, yes.
Or Kill Me.
1 If it isn’t, it should be.