[RENAMED] No longer losing it, I AM VICTORIOUS.

Started by navkat, February 08, 2012, 01:10:10 AM

Previous topic - Next topic
Print
Go Down Pages1 2 3 4 ... 6
User actions

navkat

February 08, 2012, 01:10:10 AM Last Edit: February 10, 2012, 03:28:13 PM by navkat
I think the stress is finally making me crack. I wrote some bizarre shit all over my ex boyfriend's new girlfriend's wall last night and have zero memory of having done so. It was only after seeing an entry on my own timeline that I realized what I did.

The worst part about it was that I spilled (mostly inhoherently) bits and pieces of some deep fears I usually keep pretty locked up. I mean, she's a sweet person but this was not only inappropriate for the dynamic, it was downright bizarre even if you remove all that.

I was simply not present for having written all that and that's frightening. I must have intended on posting some polite comment and then went into six-paragraph, automatic writing mode. Just vented stuff I didn't even know existed in there...or rather I must have known but I had no idea it needed saying. I'm terribly embarassed and I *know* it must've gotten back to my ex by now.

I'm trying to do too much at once. The stress is literally eating parts of my prefrontal cortex. I can't wait until this last test is over and I've got a clearer sense of plan vs timing and a better feeling of control over stuff in my world...or at least a clearer awareness and predictive reasoning.

The Good Reverend Roger

#1
February 08, 2012, 01:13:10 AM
Quote from: navkat on February 08, 2012, 01:10:10 AM
I think the stress is finally making me crack. I wrote some bizarre shit all over my ex boyfriend's new girlfriend's wall last night and have zero memory of having done so. It was only after seeing an entry on my own timeline that I realized what I did.

The worst part about it was that I spilled (mostly inhoherently) bits and pieces of some deep fears I usually keep pretty locked up. I mean, she's a sweet person but this was not only inappropriate for the dynamic, it was downright bizarre even if you remove all that.

I was simply not present for having written all that and that's frightening. I must have intended on posting some polite comment and then went into six-paragraph, automatic writing mode. Just vented stuff I didn't even know existed in there...or rather I must have known but I had no idea it needed saying. I'm terribly embarassed and I *know* it must've gotten back to my ex by now.

I'm trying to do too much at once. The stress is literally eating parts of my prefrontal cortex. I can't wait until this last test is over and I've got a clearer sense of plan vs timing and a better feeling of control over stuff in my world...or at least a clearer awareness and predictive reasoning.

Panic button still works.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

East Coast Hustle

#2
February 08, 2012, 04:52:05 AM
The need to have control may be one of your problems.
Rabid Colostomy Hole Jammer of the Coming Apocalypse™

The Devil is in the details; God is in the nuance.


Some yahoo yelled at me, saying 'GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH', and I thought, "I'm feeling generous today.  Why not BOTH?"

ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞

#3
February 08, 2012, 06:27:29 AM
Breakdown or breakthrough?
P E R   A S P E R A   A D   A S T R A

Faust

#4
February 08, 2012, 08:43:27 AM
Quote from: navkat on February 08, 2012, 01:10:10 AM
I think the stress is finally making me crack. I wrote some bizarre shit all over my ex boyfriend's new girlfriend's wall last night and have zero memory of having done so. It was only after seeing an entry on my own timeline that I realized what I did.

The worst part about it was that I spilled (mostly inhoherently) bits and pieces of some deep fears I usually keep pretty locked up. I mean, she's a sweet person but this was not only inappropriate for the dynamic, it was downright bizarre even if you remove all that.

I was simply not present for having written all that and that's frightening. I must have intended on posting some polite comment and then went into six-paragraph, automatic writing mode. Just vented stuff I didn't even know existed in there...or rather I must have known but I had no idea it needed saying. I'm terribly embarassed and I *know* it must've gotten back to my ex by now.

I'm trying to do too much at once. The stress is literally eating parts of my prefrontal cortex. I can't wait until this last test is over and I've got a clearer sense of plan vs timing and a better feeling of control over stuff in my world...or at least a clearer awareness and predictive reasoning.

Delete it, and maybe dont stalk your ex's girlfriend, it might prevent this happening again in the future dont you think.
Sleepless nights at the chateau

ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞

#5
February 08, 2012, 10:57:45 AM
I love you Navkat.

Move to Portland and let us make sweet love forever.
P E R   A S P E R A   A D   A S T R A

Triple Zero

#6
February 08, 2012, 11:57:36 AM
Delete it and maybe leave her a note or email (cause fuck FB) and apologize. No details, just a blanket "Sorry about that weird message! That shouldn't have ended up on your wall, I'm so embarassed! Please disregard." which is all true (esp the italic bit 100% true but completely leaves open whether it was a blackout-style-losing-it-oops or a genuine "wrong window paste" mistake, or whatever), but may serve to defuse the weirdness and crazy for a bit on her side.

Of course that's just damage control.

The part where you did something seriously embarrassing that you didn't want to do, and have no memory of--that's a serious problem. That's really not good. Was there any alcohol or drugs involved?

Even so, that doesn't happen just on its own when you get wasted. It's pretty obvious that stress is a major factor in this. And that can make people do really strange things. Is there any possible way you can get out of the whole environment and take a month or two off? Somehow? You can claim medical reasons because doing things you can't recall because of stress is a medical problem and the ONLY cure is REST. Pills, therapy, all optional (depends what the doctor might say). REST is not. Maybe even just two weeks if you can't get more. Give yourself max 2 hours/day for household+administrative tasks, get a LOT of sleep, and the rest of the day, you draw, paint, write, music and get some exercise, take walks, paint your house, chop wood, swim, the sort of things that lets your brain heal itself. But take it really off. Especially no contact with the ex, his gf or such.
Ex-Soviet Bloc Sexual Attack Swede of Tomorrow™
e-prime disclaimer: let it seem fairly unclear I understand the apparent subjectivity of the above statements. maybe.

INFORMATION SO POWERFUL, YOU ACTUALLY NEED LESS.

navkat

#7
February 08, 2012, 01:22:16 PM
Quote from: Faust on February 08, 2012, 08:43:27 AM
Quote from: navkat on February 08, 2012, 01:10:10 AM
I think the stress is finally making me crack. I wrote some bizarre shit all over my ex boyfriend's new girlfriend's wall last night and have zero memory of having done so. It was only after seeing an entry on my own timeline that I realized what I did.

The worst part about it was that I spilled (mostly inhoherently) bits and pieces of some deep fears I usually keep pretty locked up. I mean, she's a sweet person but this was not only inappropriate for the dynamic, it was downright bizarre even if you remove all that.

I was simply not present for having written all that and that's frightening. I must have intended on posting some polite comment and then went into six-paragraph, automatic writing mode. Just vented stuff I didn't even know existed in there...or rather I must have known but I had no idea it needed saying. I'm terribly embarassed and I *know* it must've gotten back to my ex by now.

I'm trying to do too much at once. The stress is literally eating parts of my prefrontal cortex. I can't wait until this last test is over and I've got a clearer sense of plan vs timing and a better feeling of control over stuff in my world...or at least a clearer awareness and predictive reasoning.

Delete it, and maybe dont stalk your ex's girlfriend, it might prevent this happening again in the future dont you think.
Wowww...no. I was friends with her BEFORE they ever hooked up. She posted a pic of the Vieux de krew parade on her wall and awaaaay I went.

Q. G. Pennyworth

#8
February 08, 2012, 01:31:27 PM
Either way, deleting it and apologizing is a good start. If you have the resources for it. I'd recommend doing some crappy "smear cheap paint all over the place" painting and/or some serious journaling on top of whatever else you do for stress management. If things are sneaking out the edges like that, you should probably have a safer place to vent them. I know the awful painting was useful for me in the Crazy Times.

navkat

#9
February 08, 2012, 01:54:03 PM
Quote from: Queen_Gogira on February 08, 2012, 01:31:27 PM
Either way, deleting it and apologizing is a good start. If you have the resources for it. I'd recommend doing some crappy "smear cheap paint all over the place" painting and/or some serious journaling on top of whatever else you do for stress management. If things are sneaking out the edges like that, you should probably have a safer place to vent them. I know the awful painting was useful for me in the Crazy Times.

God, someone *does* understand me.

Apologizing and deleting is exactly what I did. Safe place to vent = Live journal (KINDA BUT NOT REALL SINCE PEOPLE STALK THAT AND SECRET, HIDDEN ENTRIES ISN'T REALLY VENTING TO ME)

I literally abhor myself these days. I don't know how or why I keep insisting on making myself into a weak doormat that says "scrub the dogshit off your shoes here...HARD" but that's prcisely what I'm doing. The truth is: I don't even desire the boy anymore, I'm just still reeling from not having figured out the lie until the girl told me what was up. I'm still shock at having ZERO intuition. My post was like six paragraphs of thanking her for making it obvious since I'm so fucking stupid.

navkat

#10
February 08, 2012, 01:55:28 PM
Aaaand I guess THIS is where I've chosen to vent now. God, I'm such a fucking loser. I hate me.

Faust

#11
February 08, 2012, 01:58:26 PM
Quote from: navkat on February 08, 2012, 01:55:28 PM
Aaaand I guess THIS is where I've chosen to vent now. God, I'm such a fucking loser. I hate me.

Then Don't.
Sleepless nights at the chateau

The Good Reverend Roger

#12
February 08, 2012, 01:58:55 PM
Quote from: navkat on February 08, 2012, 01:55:28 PM
Aaaand I guess THIS is where I've chosen to vent now. God, I'm such a fucking loser. I hate me.

It's what AT is FOR.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Faust

#13
February 08, 2012, 02:00:22 PM Last Edit: February 08, 2012, 02:08:26 PM by Faust
Quote from: navkat on February 08, 2012, 01:54:03 PM

Apologizing and deleting is exactly what I did. Safe place to vent = Live journal (KINDA BUT NOT REALL SINCE PEOPLE STALK THAT AND SECRET, HIDDEN ENTRIES ISN'T REALLY VENTING TO ME)


Oh come now, you say you want it secret and hidden, despite the fact that your ex tracked your account to here and jacked it a few months back. I'm finding it a little hard to believe.

Ok, in terms of people searching for results on you here I'll give you a hand with that.

From my end I'll:
- Identify where the traffic is coming from.
- search it against any accounts here.

On your end:
-Have a think of who it might be. DO NOT POST IT PUBLICALLY SEND IT IN A PM

I'll:
- Check the location of the person you think it is against traffic
- Ban traffic from that IP and if he/she has an account I'll ban that too.
- If for whatever reason the information is required for a restraining order I will supply it.

Sleepless nights at the chateau

The Good Reverend Roger

#14
February 08, 2012, 02:06:11 PM
Quote from: Net on February 08, 2012, 10:57:45 AM
I love you Navkat.

Move to Portland and let us make sweet love forever.

Wow.  That was helpful.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.
Print
Go Up Pages1 2 3 4 ... 6
User actions