Puns Noir

[Richter]

It was a dark night in the city.  Fog had crept up the bay and was giving everything that odd sort of chill, the kind that you want to go on, despite also wanting to be home and warm.  A nostalgic sort of chill.

I was taking a break from that sentimental mist.  Inside a small eatery lit like sundown I was sipping through an expensive tea latte.  Not that I could afford it, but if I was reduced to paying for ambiance, I may as well stew in it a bit.  Lousy place didn't have a liquor license, so don't even mention a scotch neet to me. 

In the middle of my reverie, pondering finding out what a "biscotti" actually was, she walked in.  The last woman on this planet I wanted to see, but somehow the one I knew would find me here. 

The Panera Broad.

[Doktor Howl]

 

[Freeky]

   Fucking a, I love me some puns.

[Oysters Rockefeller]

It was a dark night in the city.  Fog had crept up the bay and was giving everything that odd sort of chill, the kind that you want to go on, despite also wanting to be home and warm.  A nostalgic sort of chill.

Awesome.

[Richter]

She shook her coat and parked it on the couch across from the overstuffed chair I was holding to the floor.  Far enough over the Puff n' Stuff inspired furniture to put me out of casual reach, but close enough that I could feel the residual cold wafting off her.  No foreshadowing there, given my luck with women.  Vintage wool had a way of keeping a temperature like that.  Likely some story behind that coat, a "once-in-a-lifetime" Salvation Army save.  A rescue for the forces of fashion from the jaws of good will.  Flats, tights, a surprisingly conservative pleated skirt, and the inevitable plaid button up topped the attire.  Split second analysis, part of the job.

She canted her head forward and back slightly, gazing over the tops of the entirely predictable black horn-rims.  Jesus, was Gary Larson must be inking this one.

"So you just. going to stare or ask me why I'm here?"

No.  I've played that game before.  Put the mark on the defensive, get them back on their heals.  Used car salesmen had played the same, but not as well.  Call me a sucker for an image, but I knew which glands to petition St. Fu for help with at the moment.

"I'm not playing when that's your opening move.  Never play blitzkrieg with someone you want help from."

"So you are a private dick?"

"If that's general knowledge then I'm a public dick.  It's only a short hop from there to wellfare.  Or charity." 

She stopped.  Was I talking business, insulting her, or making a very oblique pass?  Hell, I had sort of done all three, and wasn't certain myself.  What the hell, I was bored and annoyed.  The turning of the phrase demanded it too, I don't get setups like that very often.  Hardly fair though.

"Wellfare is a concern, I won't lie.  Regardless, that donation won't get you off community service hours."

Uh huh.  Play ball, but she wasn't done.

"If it could help, I can point out 'that IS what she said'"

"Well, since we've opened with tongue lashings anyways...  Damnit." 

The mouth was ahead of brain, gonads, and sense.  The cherubs of Cupid and the Better Business Bureau seraphim were screaming at the train wreck they saw coming.  Thank HELL she didn't have a drink, I'm usually wearing one in 3..2..1....

"Truce?"

"Truce."

"I can say you live up to what I was told Mr. Black.  Is that actually your name?"

"Whit Black, yes.  Pleased to meet you Ms...."

"Whit?"  A barely concealed smirk.

"Well is yours any better?"

"Fair enough, Shirley Church.  Pleased to meet you too."

"Not 'Temple'?"

"Oh.  I've never head that one."

"You're joking, Shirley."

"Invest in colostomy bags, you almost had a semicolon there."

"I got nothing I can spin a 'comma' pun off of.  What's the job?"

"It's a matter of finding."

"I hear that a lot.  Police are the normal route, tried them?"

"Of course.  They won't touch this one though."

"Illegal, dangerous, or weird, then.  Which two out of the four is this one?"

"Only three options, so the fourth I'd guess is..."

"Yeah, expensive.  Tell me more about the subject, then we'll talk price."

"You know the alphabet?"

"Can I sing the song?"

"No.  I'm looking for part of it.  A slice of sorts.11"

She drew a post it note out of her pocket.  Four letters, uppercase, in order.  I began to get the dawning sensation I'd been had.  To be certain I glanced down at the date display on my watch. 

March 14th.  Those four letters, and 3/14.

"OH God DAMNIT."

[navkat]

I hate love hate you.

[AFK]