Memorandum #7 The Life and Times Of the Doomed

[Penumbral]

For the past half hour I have been trying to force this memorandum out of my head, but I don't know what knowledge I have to impart on anyone. Is anything I say really important? Dose it mean anything? Dose anyone take teenagers seriously? Altho I am a teenager I do think I have important things to say. I think that anything I say means something to me. And I think people should take teenagers seriously. Of course according to adults teenagers have not yet entered the real world. I think It is much different then that. I think teenagers are the only ones old enough to be psychologically able to think like an adult, yet young enough to not be disillusioned to what real life is. You think teen agers don't know what real life is like? Tell that to macy who killed herself. Tell that to tracy macys best friend who blames herself for macys death, because macy asked her to come over the night macy killed herself. Tell that to bob who is tracys boyfriend who beat her because he was fed up with her self loathing and he was beat by his step dad. Tell that to karry macys sister who has depression and has attempted suicide 4 times and cuts herself daily. Tell that to joe, tacys brother, who is the only gay kid in school, and hides this from everyone even his cover girlfriend he has had for two years. Tell this to billy who at the age of eight was sexually harassed by a "servant of the lord" and at the age of ten by his brother. Tell that to sam bobs best friend who hears about karry, macys, tracys, billys, joes and bobs problems and still trys the lead a normal life. But oh wait this is just fake. Right? These people have nothing to do with real life yet.
The quality of living is directly related to the quality of living. "Life sucks" a poll of thousands of teenagers states.
But what do they know right? All the people in these storys are real people I personally know (names where changed duh). Are you taking me seriously now?
At least thats a start. Now let me reflect something with you: This is the next generation. The Y generation. A generation of kids who don't know what real life is only because all you have shown them is the horror life can be.  
Wait there is hope yet. right? Life has so many opportunities. Wait macy has no future she is dead. And oh crap well tracy is going to be in and out of abusive relationships because that is what kind of person she is attracted to (whos fault is that) She will also become an alcoholic because she can't stop blaming herself. Bob will become a working member of society. In other words he will be going to the same job doing the same thing every day, and have a family who is demanding of him. Probably be divorced at least two times and have kids split between two different people. Karry went through 10 years of therapy only to marry a man after knowing him for a week having him cheat on her and her getting thrown right back into the depressive cycle. Joe finally after turning 30 come out as gay only to lose his job, and to be disowned by his family. Billy got a girl pregnant in high school and has spent his whole early life trying to take care of this girl who only had sex with him on a dare.
And all of this because of what happend because of things that happened before they ever enter the real world.

I sorry if I sound pessimistic. I mean I could be wrong. everything I learned so far could have been a lie wouldn't that be better?

[gnimbley]

I have no answers for you, Penumbral. I can tell you that a lot of
what causes teenage angst is a lack of perspective. But, events
can overwhelm us. And the mind seems to have an infinite
capacity to hurt itself, even when it knows what it is doing and
knows that it should stop. The only way to cope with the really
heavy shit is to rid your mind of its own poisons and to establish
it as the home of a new version of reality.

Easy to write down in a text message. Damn difficult in real life.

(BTW, everything is a lie, but that doesn't really help, does it?)

[Bella]

First of all I want to say that I'm sorry about your friends, Penumbral. I would never tell teenagers that they aren't real and that their feelings aren't important. It was being a teenager that turned me into a zombie. I tried to kill myself by eating a whole bottle of baby aspirin. (Pathetic, I know..........but it was the only drug of any sort in the house.)  I fell asleep and when I woke up I had a nervous breakdown and decided that I had succeeded and was actually dead after all. I spent a whole summer lying in bed believing myself to be dead. And I guess I never really got over the notion completely.

But gnimbley's right and perspective helps a lot. Although some days that's really not enough. So here's a list of reasons to live that my friend, Mari Collings wrote several years ago. Sometimes, I get the list out and look at it for inspiration when I'm blue and no one here has posted a new and disgusting joke for me.

*Note: Mari is a survivor of childhood abuse and has several alternate personalities - hence the references to "inner children". Some of these reasons won't apply to most people, but there's plenty here for everyone.

REASONS NOT TO KILL YOURSELF

because you deserve to live
because your life has value, whether or not you can see it,
because it was not your fault,
because you didn't choose to be battered and used,
because life itself is precious, because they were and are wrong,
because you are connected to each and every other abuse survivor, and so your daily battle automatically gives others hope and strength.
because you will feel better, eventually,
because each time you confront despair you get stronger .. you can't know now what you will ultimately be able to do with this new morsel of strength, what future battles you will be able to win,
because if you die today you will never again feel love for another human being, or trust, or gratitude,
because you will never again see kindness and compassion in another's eyes
because if you die today you will never again see sunlight pouring through the leaves of a tree, or a bird take flight, or feel the quality of light in winter,
because the seconds do not cease their passing, because even if it feels like time has become an unbearably heavy stone, it has not, and you only have to endure,
because you have already won .. you have known the cleverness and resiliency and courage and stubborn will to make it this far, and no one can take that away,
because the will to live is not a cruel punishment, even if it feels like that at times: it is a priceless gift.
because your inner children need you, they have no one else and their need is so great, and because they deserve more than anyone to be healed and comforted, they are true heroes against impossible odds.
because you owe your inner children, they are the reason you are here. If you die today you will erase the meaning of their suffering and incredible endurance, and that is too great a loss,
because you already have the skills to find your healing path, you have proven this over and over again,
because we need more warriors against this evil,
because we need survivors to offer testament against this horror and despair,
because no one knows better than you the meaning of suffering, and the agony deepens the heart,
because you deserve the peace that will come after the battle is won, and it will be won, but only minute by minute - we must learn to let go of the unconquerable,
because we can all come together in later years to laugh in their faces,
because we will be able to show them that even though they had all the power and strength and ruthless cunning, even though we were only helpless, innocent dependent children, we will have beaten them at the game they so smugly thought they had mastered,
because I am furious that we have to suffer the pain of another's evil and filth
because you too will one day feel fury,
because it is critical that you survive.
....by Mari Collings

[Z³]

I see the lives of people around me crumbling, I see others around me flourish. I feel that I am on the verge of the catharsis that will send me spiraling in one direction or the other. The difference is that I am cogniscient,  and at least capable of influencing the direction my life goes. I am human.

Life does suck, and its a hard lesson, but to lay down and admit defeat is to betray the human impulse of survival. I can understand the feeling of pain, and fear, against the possibility of failure. I've been there. I know firsthand what its like at the bottom of the food chain, so it burns me when people dont even realize the value of the basic things that they have in life. In truth, you learn to appreciate basic things like food and shelter once you have been deprived of them.

I guess I just feel that survival at any cost is one of the principles of being human... and I know that it is possible to overcome all the bullshit, something I've learned from my elders.

The mechanism I have developed to keep me away from depression and angst is simply the appreciation for the little things. I remedy loneliness by trying to hone my sense of self, the person who does not know himself will always be alone. Right now, I have a roof over my head and two ten pound bags of rice in my kitchen, a working computer, and books to read. These are valuable things.

I suppose the most valuable thing of all is simply having a sense of purpose. Even if its something as simple as overcoming weakness within the self, which is what finall broke me out of the teenage angst that I was suffering a few years ago. This is why I dont mock people for their angst, as others do, I just feel that its a necessary thing to overcome.

That, and I've seen Conan the Barbarian about fifty times.

[Horab Fibslager]

you know you used to say, live and let live, you know you know ya did you know you did, but when theis world in which we live in makes you break down and cry, live and let die.


in any case, i';ve found indifference helps. what that means is hard to translate. laid back, honest apparaisal. i dunno. adult hood is pretty lame. i mean it's alright, but it tends to include long hours and bills.

as for teenagaers and respect and all that, having been one myself, and being a bit of a mad crazy person who comes off as being immmature fo r my ager to many of my middle aged employers, (not mentioned my last tweo years in high school), i knwo how it is to be talked down to , an di think that's oen o fthe major probelms with society today, that instead of using discipline and respect, they just talk shit cuz they're too stressed out or don;t have enough time(well you know what mr stupidface, I don't have time), i usally paus ea moment and kinda let them know in more or les words "hey man, i'm an adult, we can act like men and treat each other as such, or we can get stupid abotu things and duke it out at the moneky bars after the bell." the same applies to teenagers. most teenagers are punkasses, but if they're cool with me i'm cool witht hem, and will treat them as adults as much (and often more so- re:stupid bosses, fools an dmos tof my teachers in teh last 2 years i went to hs) as i do other adults.. i guess it's nto an easy state to reach, and i've had the help of strong influences of people i 've met and admired for simpyl being themselves.

as for what's z3's on about, i reckon we're all able to influence our lives. i've foudn that just because i'm a hs drop out doesn't mean i'm necessarily relegated to poverty lioen for the rest of my life(nto thati have problem with that, the poverty line suits my moderate lifestyle), an dthe thign is, it's nto always abotu finacnial monbility or whatever. everyone's ot to set their own goals in life. mines is simply to relax, paly some video games, drink beers and have conversation. in between i philosophize and daydream. mso tpeople would consider it a waste, but for me it is the sublime tao, and the road to whereever i'm on my way to. amke your own choice, and take responsiobility for it. and if the plan doesn't work out, adapt damnit. the human race didn';t kill the neadnerthal just so it coudl uh do whatever it uh yeah. damnit! :P

[Z³]

Crom!

[DJRubberducky]

Now, y'see, I figured the reason grown-ups don't take teenagers seriously is that most teenagers have people in their lives who are legally obligated to take care of them, and as such have whole avenues of potential misery as yet unexplored.  And I think the adults almost make a game out of it, since sometimes the best way to feel better about your life is to convince someone else that you're some sort of superhuman for surviving this long.

"You think it sucks now that you've had to live through a friend's suicide or sexual abuse or whatever?  Try existing another few years with that in your past, and then also having to live through being up to your eyeballs in debt with no prospects for employment and your landlord breathing down your neck threatening to leave you homeless!  If you think you want to die now, then you should probably do it, before your life REALLY starts sucking!"

Y'know, that sort of thing.

[agent compassion]

It hasn't been all that long since I was a teenager myself...

I think one of the cruelest tricks nature plays is that, just when we are making these great leaps forward mentally, physically, etc in the trip between childhood and adulthood, that the only way to accomplish all that is to douse our system in massive amounts of competing hormones that ebb and flow and they fuck with you something fierce, so that every little thing is felt with the intensity of a train wreck, joy is mania, disappointment is total depression, irritation becomes "HULK MAD, HULK SMASH" - in gaining this new freedom of information about the world, as an almost-adult, you lose your sense of proportion and perspective, because there is a physical transformation happening at the same time that cannot be stopped, and cannot be accomplished any other way.

I nearly did myself in in high school, over a stupid boy. I tried to strangle myself. A minute or two in I realised that it wouldn't work the way I was doing it, and also, some voice in the back of my head screamed at me "HE IS NOT WORTH IT!"  So I stopped. I was depressed still, but I had my will to live again, and eventually I got over it. One thing that helped was to remember that the universe doesn't take something away from you without giving you something else.

It's true, adults get arrogant sometimes, they act like you know nothing. And in some sense, that's true. You don't know about independent living, debt and being a slave to a global megacorporation just to keep yourself fed. You don't know it through DIRECT experience. But this is something adults forget - you can FEEL all this indirectly. You can sense it. Your emotional radar is so finely tuned and, thanks to the hormonal action, hypersensitive, that you pick up on THEIR angst, their stress, and you take it into yourself. So you are still experiencing it, through them, and when they bring that home over and over, you start to feel like that's all there is out there in the world.

But that's not true. There is more, but the happy parts and the good parts are subtle. They don't make the news. Happiness doesn't get ratings, and nobody ever goes on a 2 hour rant about how GOOD their day was. So you have to look for happiness where it exists, and create it where it does not.

[East Coast Hustle]

try turning to drugs....and if that doesn't work, throw in some loud obnoxious music and maybe a few loose women (or men, whatever). you will read this and say to yourself "that Turd...can't that guy ever be serious for just one second?" and that's understandable, but the truth is, I am ALWAYS being serious, just that people frequently don't like what I have to say, so they assume I'm joking so as not to have to think about it to the point of making themselves uncomfortable. Now, I'm not suggesting you turn into a whoremongering crackhead, but just taht you find something that both dulls the pain and gives you an outlet for it...I was probably more fucked up than anyone I've ever known from age 13 until about age 21 or 22...but without a daily joint, a guitar and amp that were louder than god, and some no-strings-attached female companionship, I'd most definitely not have survived it...I would never have offed myself, but I'da made someone else do it for me...and people will say "no, that's fucked up...you need to work through the pain instead of dulling yourself to it.." but you know what? fuck that noise. you will eventually reach the point where either you accept the way life is and let go of the pain, you keep it with you but find a way to work through it, or you huck yourself off a bridge...but a little dulling of the senses can getyou through the ridiculousness and get you to the place where you have gained the perspective to not need those things...and I'm not just spouting some bullshit I heard from Dr. Phil or any of that shit, I say this to you as a caring human being, as someone who has battled addiction, lived on the street, seen countless friends die of violence and disease way before their time, never formally been educated, and been told my whole life that I was a waste and a loser....and now here I am, 27 years old, own my own business, make enough $$ to get by, have a great group of friends all over the country, and while most of the things that sucked SO bad ten years ago have not chenged at all, I have adapted and gained the ability to not be beaten down by them....so yeah, go burn a jib, make some noise that pisses off your neighbors/parents/teachers/whoever, and find yourself a fuck-buddy...you'll come out of it just fine....or not....but if not, at least you won't have wasted all your time dwelling on it....

[agent compassion]

and while most of the things that sucked SO bad ten years ago have not chenged at all, I have adapted and gained the ability to not be beaten down by them.

Smartest thing you could say, Turd. Drugs'll fry the mind, which is growing at insane rates in adolescence. Pot's about the only thing a teen can really safely do but even that is best used sparingly....

I think the best thing right now is to not get too stuck into anything you do. Change is the order of the day, so ride it...

[East Coast Hustle]

and while most of the things that sucked SO bad ten years ago have not chenged at all, I have adapted and gained the ability to not be beaten down by them.

Smartest thing you could say, Turd. Drugs'll free the mind, which is growing at insane rates in adolescence. mescaline's about the only thing a teen can really safely do but even that is best used sparingly....

I think the best thing right now is to not get too stuck into anything you do. Change is the order of the day, so ride it...

see? that's what I'm talking about...

[Penumbral]

try turning to drugs....and if that doesn't work, throw in some loud obnoxious music and maybe a few loose women (or men, whatever). you will read this and say to yourself "that Turd...can't that guy ever be serious for just one second?" and that's understandable, but the truth is, I am ALWAYS being serious, just that people frequently don't like what I have to say, so they assume I'm joking so as not to have to think about it to the point of making themselves uncomfortable. Now, I'm not suggesting you turn into a whoremongering crackhead, but just taht you find something that both dulls the pain and gives you an outlet for it...I was probably more fucked up than anyone I've ever known from age 13 until about age 21 or 22...but without a daily joint, a guitar and amp that were louder than god, and some no-strings-attached female companionship, I'd most definitely not have survived it...I would never have offed myself, but I'da made someone else do it for me...and people will say "no, that's fucked up...you need to work through the pain instead of dulling yourself to it.." but you know what? fuck that noise. you will eventually reach the point where either you accept the way life is and let go of the pain, you keep it with you but find a way to work through it, or you huck yourself off a bridge...but a little dulling of the senses can getyou through the ridiculousness and get you to the place where you have gained the perspective to not need those things...and I'm not just spouting some bullshit I heard from Dr. Phil or any of that shit, I say this to you as a caring human being, as someone who has battled addiction, lived on the street, seen countless friends die of violence and disease way before their time, never formally been educated, and been told my whole life that I was a waste and a loser....and now here I am, 27 years old, own my own business, make enough $$ to get by, have a great group of friends all over the country, and while most of the things that sucked SO bad ten years ago have not chenged at all, I have adapted and gained the ability to not be beaten down by them....so yeah, go burn a jib, make some noise that pisses off your neighbors/parents/teachers/whoever, and find yourself a fuck-buddy...you'll come out of it just fine....or not....but if not, at least you won't have wasted all your time dwelling on it....

Ok, I am in no way about bumping my own topics but what the hell I a drunk. ECH I remember posting this fucking 3+ years ago, and I took your advice. Not too literally, but you where right. I am happy and successful now, and going through my old posts is a nice reminder for what I went threw. Its really weird to think this weird fucking internet forum full of "crazy people" really was my number 1 way of getting through my issues. If I fucking listened to those therapist instead of you guys I would be trying to take life way to seriously at this point.

I'm sorry guys I'm going through one of those crazy moments of drunken self realization and gratitude. I have completely moved past my "issues," but at the same time I seemed to forget all about them. And in response to my own question in the beginning "You are a fucking idiot, but you will move past it, and its better to look for answers then just hide from the questions. So in that respect I am grateful you asked, but god you are an emo bitch."

[Cainad (dec.)]

Excellent. Now, can you fix MY angsty teenager problems, kplzthnx.

[Doktor Loki]

If I met me when I was 14-16, I'd beat the crap out of me.
I was a whiney little bitch.  I think everyone is like that a little bit though.

Maybe not.

[Penumbral]

If I met me when I was 14-16, I'd beat the crap out of me.
I was a whiney little bitch.  I think everyone is like that a little bit though.

Maybe not.

Yeah I would have smacked myself silly.