YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

GET IN THE BACK OF THE FUCKING LINE.

There seems to be something about being more or less competent that makes everybody WANT. Listen, motherfuckers; the fact that I am able, just barely, to take care of my own problems and responsibilities DOES NOT IN ANY WAY indicate that it's a good idea to ask me to take care of YOURS.

The fact that I'm on food stamps is in no way an indicator THAT I CAN AFFORD TO FEED YOU. It is an indication that I can barely afford to feed myself and my kids, OH FUCKING KAY? The fact that I get a financial aid disbursement at the beginning of the term, likewise, is not an indication that I'm high on the hog and can afford to lend you money. On the contrary, ASSFUCKHOLEFACE, it's an indication that I am willing to go into debt while living on a shoestring in order to get an education that will eventually allow me to buy things like, oh I don't know, shoes for my children. Or maybe even pay for their educations so they never have to go through this bullshit.

No, I will not take time off work to go with you so you can use my barely-liquid status to justify not paying your vet bill. You know what? GET A FUCKING JOB. You seem to have all day long to interrupt MY work to complain about how broke you are, so that suggests that you maybe have the free time to go work a cashbox at the farmer's market or some of the other menial shit you've turned down because you decided you were too good for it. Can't get a job? My condolences. Go do what millions of us already have done, and humble yourself enough to apply for unemployment or food stamps, or stand in line for a food box. Trust me, it will be less humiliating than looking back on your life and remembering that time you tried to leech off of a full-time-student-single-mom trying to support her kids on financial aid and beads.

Lastly, WHAT THE FUCK. ARE YOU EVEN FUCKING SERIOUS? For those of us with responsibilities such as a house and kids, the whole world does not stop because it's Spring Break. So no, I can't drive to Canada with you, no, I won't take the day off and go hiking, no, I am not free to teach you how to make bread, no, I won't sew a fucking couch cover for you, you can stick your pants that need hemming ALL THE WAY UP YOUR RECTUM UNTIL YOU CAN TASTE THEM, and by the way, you are a total fucking asshole for asking.

Thanks.

[Doktor Howl]

Jesus, people actually pull that shit on you?

And you haven't actually beaten them up, yet?

[Cain]

I'd drive to Canada with your friends.

I can repeat "are we nearly there yet" for hours on end.

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

Who are these wankers? Can I beat them with a shovel?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Jesus, people actually pull that shit on you?

And you haven't actually beaten them up, yet?

YET.

Yes. All of those things have happened, as well as "Want to meet us at the park?" in the middle of a Monday afternoon, and "If you're not doing anything today we should take the dogs to the river" on a Thursday. I have NO IDEA what people are thinking. Like all of a sudden, all my responsibilities have maybe just sort of vanished?

My favorite is when someone actually asked me to go with her to the low-income vet clinic so she could get free care for her dog, because she "just got her financial aid but it has to last the whole term".

I politely suggested that she call the neighborhood clinic and find out how much an office visit would cost, because I was planning on using my time working, and if I spend two hours at the vet with her that will cost me $240 in lost productivity, so it would probably cost her less to go to the regular vet and just pay for the office visit.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I'd drive to Canada with your friends.

I can repeat "are we nearly there yet" for hours on end.

You are SIGNED ON.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Who are these wankers? Can I beat them with a shovel?

They are the assholes who have, for several years, purported to be my friends.

I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but it's starting to dawn on me that they are not, in fact, very good friends.

[Cain]

I'd drive to Canada with your friends.

I can repeat "are we nearly there yet" for hours on end.

You are SIGNED ON.

I once nearly managed to get my own father to punch me through persistent use of that phrase.  Before we'd even started the car, on a 12 hour drive down from Scotland.

Also, I've disowned a lot of my so-called friends lately, so I can sympathise.  People who only talk to me when they want something = cut off.

[Doktor Howl]

Who are these wankers? Can I beat them with a shovel?

They are the assholes who have, for several years, purported to be my friends.

I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but it's starting to dawn on me that they are not, in fact, very good friends.

No, it seems that they don't have a lot of respect for your time.  Or your money, for that matter.

Some of them may just being having a thoughtless moment, but I'd still lower the fucking boom on them.  Pitch a fucking wobbler the next time they bother you during the workday.  They'll either straighten up or they won't.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I'd drive to Canada with your friends.

I can repeat "are we nearly there yet" for hours on end.

You are SIGNED ON.

I once nearly managed to get my own father to punch me through persistent use of that phrase.  Before we'd even started the car, on a 12 hour drive down from Scotland.

Also, I've disowned a lot of my so-called friends lately, so I can sympathise.  People who only talk to me when they want something = cut off.

I would really love to have a road trip that included you, Alty, Roger, and ECH in a big van with my friends. I think that would do a GREAT job of weeding them out.

EXTREME DISCOMFORT TAG TEAM... GO!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Who are these wankers? Can I beat them with a shovel?

They are the assholes who have, for several years, purported to be my friends.

I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but it's starting to dawn on me that they are not, in fact, very good friends.

No, it seems that they don't have a lot of respect for your time.  Or your money, for that matter.

Some of them may just being having a thoughtless moment, but I'd still lower the fucking boom on them.  Pitch a fucking wobbler the next time they bother you during the workday.  They'll either straighten up or they won't.

You know, I've recently started to not be so nice about things. My therapist calls it "enforcing boundaries". 

There are a few people who don't talk to me so much, anymore.

[Doktor Howl]

People who only talk to me when they want something = cut off.

Yeah, I've made a policy of that, IRL.  Also, people who think my aid is somehow a given. 

And another one:  People who want you to help them move...But then make themselves scarce when they hear YOU'RE moving soon.

Lastly, I remember once upon a time, getting a PM from Lauren that said something like "Can you maybe post your sermons each week and then leave?"  That was a classic. 

[Doktor Howl]

I'd drive to Canada with your friends.

I can repeat "are we nearly there yet" for hours on end.

You are SIGNED ON.

I once nearly managed to get my own father to punch me through persistent use of that phrase.  Before we'd even started the car, on a 12 hour drive down from Scotland.

Also, I've disowned a lot of my so-called friends lately, so I can sympathise.  People who only talk to me when they want something = cut off.

I would really love to have a road trip that included you, Alty, Roger, and ECH in a big van with my friends. I think that would do a GREAT job of weeding them out.

EXTREME DISCOMFORT TAG TEAM... GO!

Only if I get to eat loads of veggies first.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I'd drive to Canada with your friends.

I can repeat "are we nearly there yet" for hours on end.

You are SIGNED ON.

I once nearly managed to get my own father to punch me through persistent use of that phrase.  Before we'd even started the car, on a 12 hour drive down from Scotland.

Also, I've disowned a lot of my so-called friends lately, so I can sympathise.  People who only talk to me when they want something = cut off.

I would really love to have a road trip that included you, Alty, Roger, and ECH in a big van with my friends. I think that would do a GREAT job of weeding them out.

EXTREME DISCOMFORT TAG TEAM... GO!

Referring them to GIGGLES would probably also have the desired effect.

[Doktor Howl]

I'd drive to Canada with your friends.

I can repeat "are we nearly there yet" for hours on end.

You are SIGNED ON.

I once nearly managed to get my own father to punch me through persistent use of that phrase.  Before we'd even started the car, on a 12 hour drive down from Scotland.

Also, I've disowned a lot of my so-called friends lately, so I can sympathise.  People who only talk to me when they want something = cut off.

I would really love to have a road trip that included you, Alty, Roger, and ECH in a big van with my friends. I think that would do a GREAT job of weeding them out.

EXTREME DISCOMFORT TAG TEAM... GO!

Referring them to GIGGLES would probably also have the desired effect.

For serious, though, Nigel needs to patch me in on speaker phone one of these days.

As either her spiritual advisor or her attorney.