YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

[Salty]

I am the essence of calm. I am calm incarnate.

[ThatGreenGentleman]

I only have two ways that I deal with people who say they're my friend but only ever ask me for things or don't talk to me unless it's convenient for them.

1.) Never talk to them ever again. If they get pissy about it then I tell them to fuck off and go bother someone else.

2.) I curse like a sailor and just act like a pompous dick until they leave or have a hissy fit. It's actually pretty funny when they throw tantrums.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

As to OP:

There's something about people who want to have a certain lifestyle so badly they just don't want to accept that they need to change their behavior. "Oh my life is wonderful! I'm so happy. I do THIS and I do THAT and it fulfills me." Yet these people often ignore the very real things that are required for an adult to stand on their own two feet. What's hilarious about this is that I used to be one of these people. Now I'm just tired because I must do it all. Do me a favor and make my life easier and better and I will do the same. Yeah? No? OK. Let's just drop everything and party. Sorry. Yeah. Uh-huh.

I guard my time ruthlessly with people IRL. I had a guy come over when I should have been doing homework and repeatedly ask me a question then ignore the answer in favor giving homage to his phone. "I had a great time." I didn't fuck off forever AND GIVE ME $20 ASSFACE FOR MY TIME FUCK YOU.

Yeah.

What I love most about Alty is his calm, Buddha-like demeanor.

It is most masterful when he's toying with ammo on the kitchen counter.

[Cain]

Alty has only ever been accused of a Zen-like, mindful attitude towards violence.

[Doktor Howl]

I am the essence of calm. I am calm incarnate.

Says the guy who was gonna shit on the golf course green and stick a flag in it.   

You, sir, are an America-hating commie and should be deported back to Belgrade.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

NNNNNNNNG

Housemate just popped out of bed and asked me what the next step in making bread is, as I sit here groggily sipping my tea.

I was not pleasant in my reply. I am not a live-in life tutor.

[Doktor Howl]

NNNNNNNNG

Housemate just popped out of bed and asked me what the next step in making bread is, as I sit here groggily sipping my tea.

I was not pleasant in my reply. I am not a live-in life tutor.

As your attorney, I suggest you revisit the conversation, and give her incorrect instructions.

Yeast is for sissies.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

NNNNNNNNG

Housemate just popped out of bed and asked me what the next step in making bread is, as I sit here groggily sipping my tea.

I was not pleasant in my reply. I am not a live-in life tutor.

As your attorney, I suggest you revisit the conversation, and give her incorrect instructions.

Yeast is for sissies.

The yeast is already in it, as this is the second day she has pestered me about this.

Basically, I made bread a couple of weeks ago, and she said "OOH next time I'll watch you so I know how to do it!"

Then that morphed to "Can you walk me through making bread this weekend?"

But then she didn't do it this weekend, and decided that in between tests while I was trying to scarf down some lunch yesterday was the right time to corner me and demand my time. Which I was none too pleased about, but told her how to start a basic sponge. I wasn't really expecting her to launch out of bed and demand further tutoring first thing in the morning.

[Doktor Howl]

NNNNNNNNG

Housemate just popped out of bed and asked me what the next step in making bread is, as I sit here groggily sipping my tea.

I was not pleasant in my reply. I am not a live-in life tutor.

As your attorney, I suggest you revisit the conversation, and give her incorrect instructions.

Yeast is for sissies.

The yeast is already in it, as this is the second day she has pestered me about this.

Basically, I made bread a couple of weeks ago, and she said "OOH next time I'll watch you so I know how to do it!"

Then that morphed to "Can you walk me through making bread this weekend?"

But then she didn't do it this weekend, and decided that in between tests while I was trying to scarf down some lunch yesterday was the right time to corner me and demand my time. Which I was none too pleased about, but told her how to start a basic sponge. I wasn't really expecting her to launch out of bed and demand further tutoring first thing in the morning.

Can't you just whack her with the rolling pin or throw some hot glass on her or something?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

NNNNNNNNG

Housemate just popped out of bed and asked me what the next step in making bread is, as I sit here groggily sipping my tea.

I was not pleasant in my reply. I am not a live-in life tutor.

As your attorney, I suggest you revisit the conversation, and give her incorrect instructions.

Yeast is for sissies.

The yeast is already in it, as this is the second day she has pestered me about this.

Basically, I made bread a couple of weeks ago, and she said "OOH next time I'll watch you so I know how to do it!"

Then that morphed to "Can you walk me through making bread this weekend?"

But then she didn't do it this weekend, and decided that in between tests while I was trying to scarf down some lunch yesterday was the right time to corner me and demand my time. Which I was none too pleased about, but told her how to start a basic sponge. I wasn't really expecting her to launch out of bed and demand further tutoring first thing in the morning.

Can't you just whack her with the rolling pin or throw some hot glass on her or something?

For this one, I think what I need is a rolled-up newspaper and a squirt bottle.

[Cain]

Cain's guide to making bread.

"Its fucking bread.  Humanity figured out this shit around the same time it managed to learn to eat non-raw meat.  I'm sure you can manage."

This is because I am a paragon of virtue, and dedicated to a life of education and scholarly pursuits.

[Doktor Howl]

For this one, I think what I need is a rolled-up newspaper and a squirt bottle.

Well, whichever.  You have to be firm.  You have to say "no", or she'll be interrupting you when you're on one of those kind of drunks, you know?  And you WILL be held accountable for what happens next.  You live in Portland.  The police are not on your side.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Cain's guide to making bread.

"Its fucking bread.  Humanity figured out this shit around the same time it managed to learn to eat non-raw meat.  I'm sure you can manage."

This is because I am a paragon of virtue, and dedicated to a life of education and scholarly pursuits.

Part of the problem here is that she wants me to give her detailed instructions, which don't exist because I just wing it. But she can't comprehend "winging it", so she's always "BUT HOW MUCH, EXACTLY?"

If she wants a recipe, she should follow a recipe. If she wants to make bread the way I make bread, she needs to learn to fucking wing it.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

For this one, I think what I need is a rolled-up newspaper and a squirt bottle.

Well, whichever.  You have to be firm.  You have to say "no", or she'll be interrupting you when you're on one of those kind of drunks, you know?  And you WILL be held accountable for what happens next.  You live in Portland.  The police are not on your side.

I swear to god I'm going to lock her in the chicken coop.

It has a deadbolt. Just in case.

[Doktor Howl]

For this one, I think what I need is a rolled-up newspaper and a squirt bottle.

Well, whichever.  You have to be firm.  You have to say "no", or she'll be interrupting you when you're on one of those kind of drunks, you know?  And you WILL be held accountable for what happens next.  You live in Portland.  The police are not on your side.

I swear to god I'm going to lock her in the chicken coop.

It has a deadbolt. Just in case.

When the police show up, tell them it's her kink and that she refuses to say the safeword, no matter how hard you plead.  Tell them to take her away and get her the help she needs.