DEAR SOMEONE

[Phox]

You know who you are,

We have received word that you have taken the screws out of the door hinges again. We ask that you refrain doing this.

Your picture has been given to security, and you are to be escorted from the premise if spotted.

Please understand that while we find your behavior humorous, defecating into the bottled water is a violation of health codes, and the level of radioactivity in your stool has been deemed hazardous by the EPA.

Thank you for respecting our facility.

[AFK]

SCREW 'THE MAN' ILL DEFECATE WHERE I WANNA!

ENJOY YOUR NICE REFRESHING JENKEM!

[navkat]

Dear Sirs,

Oh dear, well this is quite awkward. I hadn't expected you to catch on so soon. Tell me: was it the collection of glowing, little people "nick-knacks" I left in various positions around the break room coffee station? I hand sewed all those clothes myself, you know. Do you recognize the fabric? The bits I didn't take from the curtains in the waiting area were actually cleverly re-purposed bits of the leftover shirts from the company Hawaiian Day last spring.

It's funny you should mention the level of plutonium in our little break room friends, by the way. Are you aware of the modifications I made to the microwave and all of the building's OSHA-compliance quantity of 100 or so smoke detectors? I think they're much better this way, don't you think? I'm sure everyone will be fine, your safety inspector tests the fire code system for surges every week like he's supposed to, right? So you probably had a team in to remove them well over a month ago...plenty of time for the human body to recover from the radioactive build-up by now.

Oh! I don't want to cause you alarm but have you seen the new changes to the company's health insurance plan in your HR department yet? I have. They're planning to hold a company-wide "Team meeting" next month about it. But don't worry; there's going to be a raffle for a fruit and cheese basket from Cracker Barrel and $25 gift cards for Bass Pro Shops before they make you sign the new Policy Change and Non-liability/non-disclosure agreements so...

Speaking of which, you might want to have a talk with the HR Manager about leaving the key to the file cabinet with everyone's W-2s taped to the bottom of her desk. I know! I saw it when I was crawling around, scooping up all the letter "e" keys I had dropped. You know, those things have everyone's social security numbers on them and I'm sure people would be devastated if they were stolen. But don't worry, I made copies so if anything like that ever happens, at least you know they're backed up somewhere.

Thank you, by the way, for the lovely picture of me you left at the security desk. I sure hope that wasn't your only copy, seeing as the digital recordings from which that was captured have already cycled over and been deleted by the system. But your guards are way too dedicated and smart for that to have been the only one. According to their W-2s, they're making at least $10 an hour. You don't make that much anymore unless you're top of your game!

Anyway, I never meant to upset you with the door hinges, that was just a little prank on my part. They're in the bottom drawer in the Company Director's office, right next to that delicious bottle of 22-year-old Oban Scotch.

Regards,
The Shoemaker's Elves