Using Your New Herpaderp™

[Doktor Howl]

Nigelco would like to congratulate you on your purchase of Herpaderp™, the product that does precisely what it says on the label.  We feel that our Personality Reboot Kit exceeds those of all of our competitors in style, function, and judgement-proof warranty exclusions.

A few safety tips:

1.  Keep Herpaderp™ away from children, liberatarians, the profoundly retarded, and any other impressionable people that may surround you.

2.  Keep Herpaderp™ at least 3 feet away from your face when you activate it, and ensure that you have goggles on.  Try not to inhale resulting fumes.

3.  It is best to use Herpaderp™ while sitting down.  BIG, RED STRAPS are optional, but encouraged.

4.  Your new personality may exhibit the urge to watch NASCAR, shop at WalMart, and/or vote for Jesse Kelly (or his analog in your state).  This is normal, and the distress this causes will fade.  If you develop a need to go bowling, cease using Herpaderp™, and call your doktor at once.

5.  Others may react inappropriately to your new personality.  This is because they are left-wing fascists that hate you and America™.  While we do not encourage the forceful use of Herpaderp™ on them, it IS an idea worth examining.  You don't want your spouse - for example - going to hell, do you?

6.  Side effects may include prostate cancer, social ineptitude, celibacy, having your job sent to Malaysia, divorce, estrangement from family members, and in rare cases Ayn Rand may be spontaneously stapled to your face. 

7.  NEVER expose household pets to Herpaderp™.  Having your dog suddenly going door to door for Mitt Romney may show proper zeal on your part, but may in fact cause voters to sway left.  Goldfish may become too dumb to eat their food, and will devour their own tails.  We won't even tell you what cats do.  Just trust us.

Herpaderp™, by Nigelco...Your ticket to happiness in the 21st Century.

[Cain]

I slammed my Herpaderp™ in the door 18 times and now it's kind of crushed and doesn't work.  I want my money back.

[Doktor Howl]

I slammed my Herpaderp™ in the door 18 times and now it's kind of crushed and doesn't work.  I want my money back.

Apparently it worked perfectly.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Will nigelco take an iou as payment for herpaderp? I have to spend the rest of my paycheck on the lottery. I have a system.

[Doktor Howl]

Will nigelco take an iou as payment for herpaderp? I have to spend the rest of my paycheck on the lottery. I have a system.

Easy credit terms are always available at Nigelco.  We believe that you deserve our product, and we're here to help you get what's coming to you.

Collateral may be required.

[Juana]

I think I may have exposed both my dogs and the neighbor's cat to Herpaderp. The dogs have taken up listening to Rush Limbaugh and that cat is tearing up its owners' Obama sign and leaving it on the doorstep like a dead mouse. What do I do, Doktor?

[Nephew Twiddleton]

[Freeky]

and in rare cases Ayn Rand may be spontaneously stapled to your face. 

  So THAT'S what that thing with the neighbors was about!

[Doktor Howl]

I think I may have exposed both my dogs and the neighbor's cat to Herpaderp. The dogs have taken up listening to Rush Limbaugh and that cat is tearing up its owners' Obama sign and leaving it on the doorstep like a dead mouse. What do I do, Doktor?

We recommend you expose yourself to Herpaderp 1-2 additional times.  This won't stop the animals from going batshit, but you won't care.

[Doktor Howl]

and in rare cases Ayn Rand may be spontaneously stapled to your face. 

  So THAT'S what that thing with the neighbors was about!

The Belgian guy is okay, I think, but the wife seems to be addicted to Herpaderp™.

[Freeky]

and in rare cases Ayn Rand may be spontaneously stapled to your face. 

  So THAT'S what that thing with the neighbors was about!

The Belgian guy is okay, I think, but the wife seems to be addicted to Herpaderp™.

Yeah, and now the Belgian guy has to deal with Ayn Rand being stapled to his wife's face.

[Doktor Howl]

Full disclosure:  Herpaderp™ was extensively tested in Seguin, Texas.

[Freeky]

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Will nigelco take an iou as payment for herpaderp? I have to spend the rest of my paycheck on the lottery. I have a system.

Easy credit terms are always available at Nigelco.  We believe that you deserve our product, and we're here to help you get what's coming to you.

Collateral may be required.

You may qualify for government assistance. Every scooter blob at WalMart seems to have a Herpaderp^TM and a  rascal scooter. I think there's a voucher program like they had for Digital Teevee Converter Boxes^TM.

[EK WAFFLR]

Dear Nigelcorp,

I have found that by using Herpaderp™ fifty five times per day on average tends to make me bleed profusely from an hitherto undiscovered body cavity on the back of my neck. What should I do?