Using Your New Herpaderp™

[Doktor Howl]

Dear Nigelcorp,

I have found that by using Herpaderp™ fifty five times per day on average tends to make me bleed profusely from an hitherto undiscovered body cavity on the back of my neck. What should I do?

READ THE LABEL.

[EK WAFFLR]

But, but. I can't. The writing's so SMALL!

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

KEEP USING IT UNTIL THE HOLE CLOSES.

[Doktor Howl]

But, but. I can't. The writing's so SMALL!

GET BETTER EYEBALLS.

[EK WAFFLR]

Does Nigelcorp have eyballs for sale?

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Does heprderp have any adverse reactions with medication? If so does nigelcorp have a third medication to neutralize the effects so i can have both?

[navkat]

Dear Nigelco,

I have no problems paying for Herpaderp as I have invested in gold, silver and organic seed since I was nine but I wonder if Herpaderp will give me the answers I seek. Every night I turn on all the radios in my house and listen for numbers stations (and George Noory, but I can easily turn him off if/when I hear numbers) and while I have a healthy mistrust in my government (Clinton was a Bonesman and a Bilderberg and so are the entire Prescott Bush family but let's not get into THAT just yet, LOL), I still feel that there are some answers...some wisdom that is eluding me. As I log my final roving watch for the night, note the condition of the lead seals on the MREs and water supply then kick off my crocs (those things are ugly as all get-out but make the BEST EMP-resistant grounding shoes) brush my teeth with my fluoride-free toothpaste and pull the foil and mylar curtain around my faraday cage bunk bed, I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm missing (or have missed) something that can be gradually illuminated through use of this device the same way I haven't gotten sick since I started drinking colloidal silver. Mine is a head that does not rest easy on this nanobot-resistant pillowcase.

Can Herpaderp help me? And furthermore, has Herpaderp been subjected to extensive testing by the Infowars team? Alex Jones says nothing on the subject. I have lost a lot of hair (and I believe my skin is turning blue) over this. Your prompt reply would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Alias

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Dear Nigelcorp,

I have found that by using Herpaderp™ fifty five times per day on average tends to make me bleed profusely from an hitherto undiscovered body cavity on the back of my neck. What should I do?

That body cavity is the former location of your brain, which was driven from your skull with correct usage of Herpaderp™. Continue to apply Herpaderp™ regularly to ensure it does not return until after the opening has scarred over.

[Richter]

HERPADERP has been shown to be effective in reversing lack of teen pregnancy.  FDA testing still pending.

If accidentally inhaled or ingested, call your buddies over to film for Youtube and induce vomiting.

FAA regulations require and audible signal before use of HERPADERP in a public area.  "Hey y'all watch this", or "Here, hold ma beer." are acceptable examples.

[Juana]

[Golden Applesauce]

4.  Your new personality may exhibit the urge to watch NASCAR, shop at WalMart, and/or vote for Jesse Kelly (or his analog in your state).  This is normal, and the distress this causes will fade.  If you develop a need to go bowling, cease using Herpaderp™, and call your doktor at once.

Seriously - what's the deal with the Wal-Mart hate?  Not the company (although I don't think they're particularly more evil than any other corporation would be if they got the chance), but the people who shop there.  Any other day of the week we'd talk about how digitally-manipulated images of unusually thin women are causing real psychic harm to people - but when it's The People Of Wal-Mart it's all "Look at that dumb, fat slob in her Rascal scooter!  She's probably a Republican - doesn't she realize that it's her welfare check that'll get cut when the Jeebus-freaks she votes for get enough power?"

You know who shops at Wal-Mart?  People shop at Wal-Mart (as do I, sometimes.)  We shop at Wal-Mart because it's cheap (or at least, it has the brand image of being cheap) - certainly cheaper than convenience stores.  We shop at Wal-Mart because we have busy lives what with our jobs and children and Weird Hobbies and it's faster and easier (and fuel efficient) to get what we're shopping for in one go.  And increasingly, as Wal-Mart drives out the competition, we shop at Wal-Mart because it's the only place left.

Oddly enough, my neck of the woods in Ohio doesn't have any Wal-Marts that I know of - there seem to be enough ex-national chains making their final stand here to collectively keep the Big Box out.  Which meant that when my shower finally clogged to the point that my shower water was waiting for me when I got back from work, I packed it off to Target for some Drano and a drain guard.  It was... basically just a slightly more expensive Wal-Mart.  Except instead of being stocked with whatever goods they could bully into producing even more cheaply, there was a definite impression that someone had selected all of the various furnishings to go together in two or three styles.  Like, someone had just decided that the New Middle Class should select from either brushed metal or vibrant primary and secondary colors for their home style, and be happy with what they got.  And their selection wasn't even that good!  They only had one model of drain guard, and it doesn't even fit over my drain.

[Don Coyote]

Target is just a Wal-Mart that thinks it is a yuppie/hipster and hates teh gays.
Also you are missing the hyperbole.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

4.  Your new personality may exhibit the urge to watch NASCAR, shop at WalMart, and/or vote for Jesse Kelly (or his analog in your state).  This is normal, and the distress this causes will fade.  If you develop a need to go bowling, cease using Herpaderp™, and call your doktor at once.

Seriously - what's the deal with the Wal-Mart hate?  Not the company (although I don't think they're particularly more evil than any other corporation would be if they got the chance), but the people who shop there.  Any other day of the week we'd talk about how digitally-manipulated images of unusually thin women are causing real psychic harm to people - but when it's The People Of Wal-Mart it's all "Look at that dumb, fat slob in her Rascal scooter!  She's probably a Republican - doesn't she realize that it's her welfare check that'll get cut when the Jeebus-freaks she votes for get enough power?"

You know who shops at Wal-Mart?  People shop at Wal-Mart (as do I, sometimes.)  We shop at Wal-Mart because it's cheap (or at least, it has the brand image of being cheap) - certainly cheaper than convenience stores.  We shop at Wal-Mart because we have busy lives what with our jobs and children and Weird Hobbies and it's faster and easier (and fuel efficient) to get what we're shopping for in one go.  And increasingly, as Wal-Mart drives out the competition, we shop at Wal-Mart because it's the only place left.

Oddly enough, my neck of the woods in Ohio doesn't have any Wal-Marts that I know of - there seem to be enough ex-national chains making their final stand here to collectively keep the Big Box out.  Which meant that when my shower finally clogged to the point that my shower water was waiting for me when I got back from work, I packed it off to Target for some Drano and a drain guard.  It was... basically just a slightly more expensive Wal-Mart.  Except instead of being stocked with whatever goods they could bully into producing even more cheaply, there was a definite impression that someone had selected all of the various furnishings to go together in two or three styles.  Like, someone had just decided that the New Middle Class should select from either brushed metal or vibrant primary and secondary colors for their home style, and be happy with what they got.  And their selection wasn't even that good!  They only had one model of drain guard, and it doesn't even fit over my drain.

If your post starts out with 'seriously' and the OP clearly isn't serious . . . you may need less Herpaderp^(TM) in your diet.

[Doktor Howl]

Seriously - what's the deal with the Wal-Mart hate?  Not the company (although I don't think they're particularly more evil than any other corporation would be if they got the chance), but the people who shop there.  Any other day of the week we'd talk about how digitally-manipulated images of unusually thin women are causing real psychic harm to people - but when it's The People Of Wal-Mart it's all "Look at that dumb, fat slob in her Rascal scooter!  She's probably a Republican - doesn't she realize that it's her welfare check that'll get cut when the Jeebus-freaks she votes for get enough power?"

Have you ever been to Arizona?

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

I fell, hindquarters first, onto my activated Herpaderp™ and it inflated my body. Does Nigelco carry any Herpaderp™ models that don't emit helium and are ceiling fan resistant?