Using Your New Herpaderp™

[Doktor Howl]

I fell, hindquarters first, onto my activated Herpaderp™ and it inflated my body.

This is, incidentally, where we got the idea for Herpaderp™, back when we founded this division of the company.

[Phox]

Dear Nigelco.,

The testing of the latest model of Herpaderp™ has been a rousing success. I was approached by not one, but TWO police officers for the simple driving infraction of driving after midnight. One of these police officers was, in fact, an Illinois State Trooper, and so was likely, merely checking up on the local constabulary to assert his superior dominance.

The local grocery mart also saw an increase in business decisions resulting in rock bottom profits and botulism outbreaks, and no less than fifteen cases of radiation poisoning from cigarettes containing 1986 Ukrainian tobacco.

In the political sphere, the mayor once again renewed the exclusive contract with the cable company to be the exclusive provider of high speed internet within city limits, despite the company's lines being notoriously unreliable, and having frequent outages and drops resulting in a lack of accessibility for approximately 55% of the past five months.

Without Wax,
Doktor Phoxula

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

4.  Your new personality may exhibit the urge to watch NASCAR, shop at WalMart, and/or vote for Jesse Kelly (or his analog in your state).  This is normal, and the distress this causes will fade.  If you develop a need to go bowling, cease using Herpaderp™, and call your doktor at once.

Seriously - what's the deal with the Wal-Mart hate?  Not the company (although I don't think they're particularly more evil than any other corporation would be if they got the chance), but the people who shop there.  Any other day of the week we'd talk about how digitally-manipulated images of unusually thin women are causing real psychic harm to people - but when it's The People Of Wal-Mart it's all "Look at that dumb, fat slob in her Rascal scooter!  She's probably a Republican - doesn't she realize that it's her welfare check that'll get cut when the Jeebus-freaks she votes for get enough power?"

You know who shops at Wal-Mart?  People shop at Wal-Mart (as do I, sometimes.)  We shop at Wal-Mart because it's cheap (or at least, it has the brand image of being cheap) - certainly cheaper than convenience stores.  We shop at Wal-Mart because we have busy lives what with our jobs and children and Weird Hobbies and it's faster and easier (and fuel efficient) to get what we're shopping for in one go.  And increasingly, as Wal-Mart drives out the competition, we shop at Wal-Mart because it's the only place left.

Oddly enough, my neck of the woods in Ohio doesn't have any Wal-Marts that I know of - there seem to be enough ex-national chains making their final stand here to collectively keep the Big Box out.  Which meant that when my shower finally clogged to the point that my shower water was waiting for me when I got back from work, I packed it off to Target for some Drano and a drain guard.  It was... basically just a slightly more expensive Wal-Mart.  Except instead of being stocked with whatever goods they could bully into producing even more cheaply, there was a definite impression that someone had selected all of the various furnishings to go together in two or three styles.  Like, someone had just decided that the New Middle Class should select from either brushed metal or vibrant primary and secondary colors for their home style, and be happy with what they got.  And their selection wasn't even that good!  They only had one model of drain guard, and it doesn't even fit over my drain.

Unfortunately, the first few doses of Herpaderp™ have little effect other than blocking your hyperbole gland and inducing the early stages of pedantiosis. Use more Herpaderp™ to move beyond these stages and into a more fully developed level of Derp™.

[Doktor Howl]

4.  Your new personality may exhibit the urge to watch NASCAR, shop at WalMart, and/or vote for Jesse Kelly (or his analog in your state).  This is normal, and the distress this causes will fade.  If you develop a need to go bowling, cease using Herpaderp™, and call your doktor at once.

Seriously - what's the deal with the Wal-Mart hate?  Not the company (although I don't think they're particularly more evil than any other corporation would be if they got the chance), but the people who shop there.  Any other day of the week we'd talk about how digitally-manipulated images of unusually thin women are causing real psychic harm to people - but when it's The People Of Wal-Mart it's all "Look at that dumb, fat slob in her Rascal scooter!  She's probably a Republican - doesn't she realize that it's her welfare check that'll get cut when the Jeebus-freaks she votes for get enough power?"

You know who shops at Wal-Mart?  People shop at Wal-Mart (as do I, sometimes.)  We shop at Wal-Mart because it's cheap (or at least, it has the brand image of being cheap) - certainly cheaper than convenience stores.  We shop at Wal-Mart because we have busy lives what with our jobs and children and Weird Hobbies and it's faster and easier (and fuel efficient) to get what we're shopping for in one go.  And increasingly, as Wal-Mart drives out the competition, we shop at Wal-Mart because it's the only place left.

Oddly enough, my neck of the woods in Ohio doesn't have any Wal-Marts that I know of - there seem to be enough ex-national chains making their final stand here to collectively keep the Big Box out.  Which meant that when my shower finally clogged to the point that my shower water was waiting for me when I got back from work, I packed it off to Target for some Drano and a drain guard.  It was... basically just a slightly more expensive Wal-Mart.  Except instead of being stocked with whatever goods they could bully into producing even more cheaply, there was a definite impression that someone had selected all of the various furnishings to go together in two or three styles.  Like, someone had just decided that the New Middle Class should select from either brushed metal or vibrant primary and secondary colors for their home style, and be happy with what they got.  And their selection wasn't even that good!  They only had one model of drain guard, and it doesn't even fit over my drain.

Unfortunately, the first few doses of Herpaderp™ have little effect other than blocking your hyperbole gland and inducing the early stages of pedantiosis. Use more Herpaderp™ to move beyond these stages and into a more fully developed level of Derp™.

Maybe we need to increase the first two doses? 

I mean, I'm a little dumbfounded by that post.  It implies that A) I need reasons to hate primates, and B) that someone got offended by me making fun of WalMart.

So maybe we need to DECREASE the first two doses?

[EK WAFFLR]

Dear Nigelcorp,

I have found that by using Herpaderp™ fifty five times per day on average tends to make me bleed profusely from an hitherto undiscovered body cavity on the back of my neck. What should I do?

That body cavity is the former location of your brain, which was driven from your skull with correct usage of Herpaderp™. Continue to apply Herpaderp™ regularly to ensure it does not return until after the opening has scarred over.

Ahh. Good to know. I'll just have to try to cope with mopping up blood and grey matter for awhile.

[Cuddlefish]

Heh. Would you imagine that. I thought the damn thing was broken, come to find out, it's been working just fine the whole time! That explains a lot. Thanks Nigelco!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

4.  Your new personality may exhibit the urge to watch NASCAR, shop at WalMart, and/or vote for Jesse Kelly (or his analog in your state).  This is normal, and the distress this causes will fade.  If you develop a need to go bowling, cease using Herpaderp™, and call your doktor at once.

Seriously - what's the deal with the Wal-Mart hate?  Not the company (although I don't think they're particularly more evil than any other corporation would be if they got the chance), but the people who shop there.  Any other day of the week we'd talk about how digitally-manipulated images of unusually thin women are causing real psychic harm to people - but when it's The People Of Wal-Mart it's all "Look at that dumb, fat slob in her Rascal scooter!  She's probably a Republican - doesn't she realize that it's her welfare check that'll get cut when the Jeebus-freaks she votes for get enough power?"

You know who shops at Wal-Mart?  People shop at Wal-Mart (as do I, sometimes.)  We shop at Wal-Mart because it's cheap (or at least, it has the brand image of being cheap) - certainly cheaper than convenience stores.  We shop at Wal-Mart because we have busy lives what with our jobs and children and Weird Hobbies and it's faster and easier (and fuel efficient) to get what we're shopping for in one go.  And increasingly, as Wal-Mart drives out the competition, we shop at Wal-Mart because it's the only place left.

Oddly enough, my neck of the woods in Ohio doesn't have any Wal-Marts that I know of - there seem to be enough ex-national chains making their final stand here to collectively keep the Big Box out.  Which meant that when my shower finally clogged to the point that my shower water was waiting for me when I got back from work, I packed it off to Target for some Drano and a drain guard.  It was... basically just a slightly more expensive Wal-Mart.  Except instead of being stocked with whatever goods they could bully into producing even more cheaply, there was a definite impression that someone had selected all of the various furnishings to go together in two or three styles.  Like, someone had just decided that the New Middle Class should select from either brushed metal or vibrant primary and secondary colors for their home style, and be happy with what they got.  And their selection wasn't even that good!  They only had one model of drain guard, and it doesn't even fit over my drain.

Unfortunately, the first few doses of Herpaderp™ have little effect other than blocking your hyperbole gland and inducing the early stages of pedantiosis. Use more Herpaderp™ to move beyond these stages and into a more fully developed level of Derp™.

Maybe we need to increase the first two doses? 

I mean, I'm a little dumbfounded by that post.  It implies that A) I need reasons to hate primates, and B) that someone got offended by me making fun of WalMart.

So maybe we need to DECREASE the first two doses?

Perhaps we should include a packet of AFK™ and instructions to use it for the duration of the application of Herpaderp™.

[Doktor Howl]

Perhaps we should include a packet of AFK™ and instructions to use it for the duration of the application of Herpaderp™.

The instructions I wrote in the OP should have prevented this.

But of course, they ARE using the product, which implies that I should have instead made a video that voiced the instructions over pictures of Justin Beiber and Taylor Swift.  With an American flag waving over a box store in the background.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Will Herpaderp prevent the spread of herpes?

More importantly will Herpaderp give me

UNLIMITED DATA?

[Doktor Howl]

Will Herpaderp prevent the spread of herpes?

More importantly will Herpaderp give me

UNLIMITED DATA?

Well, effectively unlimited data, anyway.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

4.  Your new personality may exhibit the urge to watch NASCAR, shop at WalMart, and/or vote for Jesse Kelly (or his analog in your state).  This is normal, and the distress this causes will fade.  If you develop a need to go bowling, cease using Herpaderp™, and call your doktor at once.

Seriously - what's the deal with the Wal-Mart hate?  Not the company (although I don't think they're particularly more evil than any other corporation would be if they got the chance), but the people who shop there.  Any other day of the week we'd talk about how digitally-manipulated images of unusually thin women are causing real psychic harm to people - but when it's The People Of Wal-Mart it's all "Look at that dumb, fat slob in her Rascal scooter!  She's probably a Republican - doesn't she realize that it's her welfare check that'll get cut when the Jeebus-freaks she votes for get enough power?"

You know who shops at Wal-Mart?  People shop at Wal-Mart (as do I, sometimes.)  We shop at Wal-Mart because it's cheap (or at least, it has the brand image of being cheap) - certainly cheaper than convenience stores.  We shop at Wal-Mart because we have busy lives what with our jobs and children and Weird Hobbies and it's faster and easier (and fuel efficient) to get what we're shopping for in one go.  And increasingly, as Wal-Mart drives out the competition, we shop at Wal-Mart because it's the only place left.

Oddly enough, my neck of the woods in Ohio doesn't have any Wal-Marts that I know of - there seem to be enough ex-national chains making their final stand here to collectively keep the Big Box out.  Which meant that when my shower finally clogged to the point that my shower water was waiting for me when I got back from work, I packed it off to Target for some Drano and a drain guard.  It was... basically just a slightly more expensive Wal-Mart.  Except instead of being stocked with whatever goods they could bully into producing even more cheaply, there was a definite impression that someone had selected all of the various furnishings to go together in two or three styles.  Like, someone had just decided that the New Middle Class should select from either brushed metal or vibrant primary and secondary colors for their home style, and be happy with what they got.  And their selection wasn't even that good!  They only had one model of drain guard, and it doesn't even fit over my drain.

Unfortunately, the first few doses of Herpaderp™ have little effect other than blocking your hyperbole gland and inducing the early stages of pedantiosis. Use more Herpaderp™ to move beyond these stages and into a more fully developed level of Derp™.

Maybe we need to increase the first two doses? 

I mean, I'm a little dumbfounded by that post.  It implies that A) I need reasons to hate primates, and B) that someone got offended by me making fun of WalMart.

So maybe we need to DECREASE the first two doses?

Herpaderp^TM is shown to cause to cause gaps in logic such as "If anorexic airbrushed images of women are unhealhy, scooterblobs with back boobs, megacolon and elbow flaps are healthy".

Continue taking Herpaderp^TM until you ASPIRE to back boobs, megacolon and elbow flaps.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

4.  Your new personality may exhibit the urge to watch NASCAR, shop at WalMart, and/or vote for Jesse Kelly (or his analog in your state).  This is normal, and the distress this causes will fade.  If you develop a need to go bowling, cease using Herpaderp™, and call your doktor at once.

Seriously - what's the deal with the Wal-Mart hate?  Not the company (although I don't think they're particularly more evil than any other corporation would be if they got the chance)....

Not particularly more evil than who? They're the third largest employer in the world—only the Chinese Military (#2) and the US Dept. of Defense (#1) have more employees than them. I also haven't heard of any other corporation that goes into neighborhoods, temporarily sets prices that are so low that they drive local business to ruin, then jacks up the price after gaining a monopoly in the area.

Oh, and then there's the massive bribery and cover-up that just broke:

www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/business/at-wal-mart-in-mexico-a-bribe-inquiry-silenced.html?_r=1

Every corporation would do that? Really? Even the Corporation for Public Broadcasting?

[Doktor Howl]

4.  Your new personality may exhibit the urge to watch NASCAR, shop at WalMart, and/or vote for Jesse Kelly (or his analog in your state).  This is normal, and the distress this causes will fade.  If you develop a need to go bowling, cease using Herpaderp™, and call your doktor at once.

Seriously - what's the deal with the Wal-Mart hate?  Not the company (although I don't think they're particularly more evil than any other corporation would be if they got the chance)....

Not particularly more evil than who? They're the third largest employer in the world—only the Chinese Military (#2) and the US Dept. of Defense (#1) have more employees than them. I also haven't heard of any other corporation that goes into neighborhoods, temporarily sets prices that are so low that they drive local business to ruin, then jacks up the price after gaining a monopoly in the area.

Oh, and then there's the massive bribery and cover-up that just broke:

www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/business/at-wal-mart-in-mexico-a-bribe-inquiry-silenced.html?_r=1

Every corporation would do that? Really? Even the Corporation for Public Broadcasting?

Also, not every company studies new ways to deliberately make their employees miserable.  Disney and WalMart, as far as I can tell.  The other companies just let the misery happen the old-fashioned way.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

4.  Your new personality may exhibit the urge to watch NASCAR, shop at WalMart, and/or vote for Jesse Kelly (or his analog in your state).  This is normal, and the distress this causes will fade.  If you develop a need to go bowling, cease using Herpaderp™, and call your doktor at once.

Seriously - what's the deal with the Wal-Mart hate?  Not the company (although I don't think they're particularly more evil than any other corporation would be if they got the chance)....

Not particularly more evil than who? They're the third largest employer in the world—only the Chinese Military (#2) and the US Dept. of Defense (#1) have more employees than them. I also haven't heard of any other corporation that goes into neighborhoods, temporarily sets prices that are so low that they drive local business to ruin, then jacks up the price after gaining a monopoly in the area.

Oh, and then there's the massive bribery and cover-up that just broke:

www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/business/at-wal-mart-in-mexico-a-bribe-inquiry-silenced.html?_r=1

Every corporation would do that? Really? Even the Corporation for Public Broadcasting?

Also, not every company studies new ways to deliberately make their employees miserable.  Disney and WalMart, as far as I can tell.  The other companies just let the misery happen the old-fashioned way.

WHY ALL THE WAL-MART HATE, DOK? 

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

4.  Your new personality may exhibit the urge to watch NASCAR, shop at WalMart, and/or vote for Jesse Kelly (or his analog in your state).  This is normal, and the distress this causes will fade.  If you develop a need to go bowling, cease using Herpaderp™, and call your doktor at once.

Seriously - what's the deal with the Wal-Mart hate?  Not the company (although I don't think they're particularly more evil than any other corporation would be if they got the chance)....

Not particularly more evil than who? They're the third largest employer in the world—only the Chinese Military (#2) and the US Dept. of Defense (#1) have more employees than them. I also haven't heard of any other corporation that goes into neighborhoods, temporarily sets prices that are so low that they drive local business to ruin, then jacks up the price after gaining a monopoly in the area.

Oh, and then there's the massive bribery and cover-up that just broke:

www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/business/at-wal-mart-in-mexico-a-bribe-inquiry-silenced.html?_r=1

Every corporation would do that? Really? Even the Corporation for Public Broadcasting?

Also, not every company studies new ways to deliberately make their employees miserable.  Disney and WalMart, as far as I can tell.  The other companies just let the misery happen the old-fashioned way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJwrlF8AzmA