Using Your New Herpaderp™

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

If YOU actually read carefully, this thread is about a fictional product which, if used regularly, will turn you into a stereotype of the Dumb American Blob.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Herpaderp™:  More effective than real products!

[navkat]

If YOU actually read carefully, this thread is about a fictional product which, if used regularly, will turn you into a stereotype of the Dumb American Blob.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Dear Nigelco,

As you may remember, I contacted you several days ago with questions regarding your product, specifically, its possible effect on me; an already fed-up Citizen and Patriot^TM who no longer has any illusions that either side of my two-party system is representing anyone but the outright plans for world-domination and our subsequent conversion from free men and women into electronically-controlled chattle whose purpose and survival are only to become servants to and as a power-source to keep the Global Corporate Aristocracy Complex running smoothly. It's well-known but perhaps ignored that we will become little more than cheaply-produced, generic disposable batteries in their Profitability Machine (as you can most likely guess, I'm going to be voting for Ron Paul again this term). I am dismayed at your lack of response.

I'm guessing that a device such as yours with the ability to "change minds" might be just the thing I seek. As aware and prepared as I already am, I still can't help but wonder what it is I still don't know. And of course, I feel constant frustration that I seem unable to switch on this awareness in others. I have tried to tell the truth to everyone I know and meet, from the nice young lady who is a hapless agent of The Complex at the bank where they unconstitutionally insist on sending my US Marines disability checks (cranial injury, first Gulf War under the Prescott Bush hegemony) to the staff and customers at Don's Gas and Feed (two towns over but they're the last fueling station that doesn't force me to put 10% Ethanol--a Government Corporate Complex conspiracy to kill my car and make me switch to one of their spy-bot "smart cars" within the next 5 years--into my well-oiled Plymouth Skylark). I have even prepared a small informational newsletter for my son's friends who come over to the house to take home to their parents. The secret to how to make people see constantly eludes me.

Aside from my first question about its possible effects on a mind such as mine: a truth-seeker, impervious to the typical lies they tell to distract the unaware from their plans, I would also like to know the following:
1. I'm assuming the device runs on a typical 12-v AC transformer. What, if any, are the threshhold voltages for the device and could these devices reasonably be expected to handle the current under a 6v regulation device (connected to an interrupt, of course)?

2. Is there a known potentiation or synergistic effect when several of the devices are used in conjunction with one another? For instance: assuming the radial coverage from center of a single unit is say, 18in--enough to create a comfortable bubble around a typical human--would the addition of a second unit result in a radius of 3ft? More? Or just a more intense 18in?

3. Likewise, if several bodies are under the influence of a single device, is the maximum potential reduced in proportion to the increased draw?

4. Do these things rely on a voluntary mental status for their efficiacy? I suspect they do not but just to be certain, if an unsuspecting body were to say, walk into the device's peak effect field, would they, themselves be affected?

5. What are your policies concerning reverse-enginering? Do I have to agree to a EULA to power on the device?

6. Do you accept Liberty Dollars? Or must I pay in fiat money?

7. Do you record and retain customer transaction data that may be subpoenad pursuant to Title II, section 215 of the USA Patriot Act?

Please reply as soon as possible. I would like to purchase a gross of these but we can not do business until I am fully informed of the specifications and terms under which we are conducting affairs.

Thank you,
Alias

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Durr Nigelco,

Ah'm tarred of votin' fur the wrong asshole. Whill Herpaderp make me vote for the raght asshole? Ah hafty no. Becuz Ah'm tarred of votin' fur the wrong asshole ruther than ther right asshole.

Sinsurly,
Twed

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

If YOU actually read carefully, this thread is about a fictional product which, if used regularly, will turn you into a stereotype of the Dumb American Blob.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Dear Nigelco,

As you may remember, I contacted you several days ago with questions regarding your product, specifically, its possible effect on me; an already fed-up Citizen and Patriot^TM who no longer has any illusions that either side of my two-party system is representing anyone but the outright plans for world-domination and our subsequent conversion from free men and women into electronically-controlled chattle whose purpose and survival are only to become servants to and as a power-source to keep the Global Corporate Aristocracy Complex running smoothly. It's well-known but perhaps ignored that we will become little more than cheaply-produced, generic disposable batteries in their Profitability Machine (as you can most likely guess, I'm going to be voting for Ron Paul again this term). I am dismayed at your lack of response.

I'm guessing that a device such as yours with the ability to "change minds" might be just the thing I seek. As aware and prepared as I already am, I still can't help but wonder what it is I still don't know. And of course, I feel constant frustration that I seem unable to switch on this awareness in others. I have tried to tell the truth to everyone I know and meet, from the nice young lady who is a hapless agent of The Complex at the bank where they unconstitutionally insist on sending my US Marines disability checks (cranial injury, first Gulf War under the Prescott Bush hegemony) to the staff and customers at Don's Gas and Feed (two towns over but they're the last fueling station that doesn't force me to put 10% Ethanol--a Government Corporate Complex conspiracy to kill my car and make me switch to one of their spy-bot "smart cars" within the next 5 years--into my well-oiled Plymouth Skylark). I have even prepared a small informational newsletter for my son's friends who come over to the house to take home to their parents. The secret to how to make people see constantly eludes me.

Aside from my first question about its possible effects on a mind such as mine: a truth-seeker, impervious to the typical lies they tell to distract the unaware from their plans, I would also like to know the following:
1. I'm assuming the device runs on a typical 12-v AC transformer. What, if any, are the threshhold voltages for the device and could these devices reasonably be expected to handle the current under a 6v regulation device (connected to an interrupt, of course)?

2. Is there a known potentiation or synergistic effect when several of the devices are used in conjunction with one another? For instance: assuming the radial coverage from center of a single unit is say, 18in--enough to create a comfortable bubble around a typical human--would the addition of a second unit result in a radius of 3ft? More? Or just a more intense 18in?

3. Likewise, if several bodies are under the influence of a single device, is the maximum potential reduced in proportion to the increased draw?

4. Do these things rely on a voluntary mental status for their efficiacy? I suspect they do not but just to be certain, if an unsuspecting body were to say, walk into the device's peak effect field, would they, themselves be affected?

5. What are your policies concerning reverse-enginering? Do I have to agree to a EULA to power on the device?

6. Do you accept Liberty Dollars? Or must I pay in fiat money?

7. Do you record and retain customer transaction data that may be subpoenad pursuant to Title II, section 215 of the USA Patriot Act?

Please reply as soon as possible. I would like to purchase a gross of these but we can not do business until I am fully informed of the specifications and terms under which we are conducting affairs.

Thank you,
Alias

I think I love you, navkat. That was brilliant.

[navkat]

Why thank you! I'm glad it didn't slip by unappreciated.

[NewSpag]

Dear Nigelco,

When I first heard about your revolutionary new product I was skeptical at first.  But then I looked around and saw how great everyone else thought it was.  I figured everyone else can't be wrong, and shortly thereafter acquired my very own Herpaderp™.  It opened my eyes to just how great the world is.   On fict I jist begun reapling.  O csn fel bouth the Herp™ ind teh Derp™ flewing threw mi vaynes.  Tyme ta cuch op in al teh grate "Two & a Half Men" episodes I messed be4 I had this grate product.  Uh-oh, that didn't last long.  I must be building up a tolerance.  Off to the Wall-Mart for a Herpaderp™ refill pack.

Love,
Me

[Doktor Howl]

Dear Nigelco,

When I first heard about your revolutionary new product I was skeptical at first.  But then I looked around and saw how great everyone else thought it was.  I figured everyone else can't be wrong, and shortly thereafter acquired my very own Herpaderp™.  It opened my eyes to just how great the world is.   On fict I jist begun reapling.  O csn fel bouth the Herp™ ind teh Derp™ flewing threw mi vaynes.  Tyme ta cuch op in al teh grate "Two & a Half Men" episodes I messed be4 I had this grate product.  Uh-oh, that didn't last long.  I must be building up a tolerance.  Off to the Wall-Mart for a Herpaderp™ refill pack.

Love,
Me

[Lenin McCarthy]

Dear Nigelco,

I am writing this to tell you about the late Fridtjof Gunvald Kyrkjebyrkjebakken, a Norwegian farmer who consumed, and had his livestock consume, your product Herpaderp^TM extensively for a significant time period. A month ago, he started feeding Herpaderp^TM to three of his goats . A couple of hours later, they fled Norway for the United States, where they now are among the leading candidates in the race for the Constitution Party presidential nomination. A few days later he decided to expand the use of Herpaderp^TM to the rest of his livestock. His cows soon developed their own economic system based on hay, the so-called hay standard, and they soon all died of hunger because eating it was considered a waste of hay. The horses started an ex-ex-ex-gay clinic, where backsliding ex-gays are guided onto the right path. The hens started laying eggs with a shape remarkably similar to that of Mitt Romney's head, and finally the unmarried 56-year old farmer died yesterday, choking to death on his own drool upon seeing Ron Paul on TV.

Yours,
An anonymous neighbour

P.S. Is Herpaderp^TM compatible with a fruitarian diet? I'd love to try out your product, but I don't want to compromise my diet doing so.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

You guys are great. 

[tyrannosaurus vex]

HAY HOW DOES THIS HERE THANG WERK?

oh.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

HAY VEX!

[tyrannosaurus vex]

what it is man! how's the whatever it is i can ask about?

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

what it is man! how's the whatever it is i can ask about?

Good! Quite good. Glad to see you posting again.

[navkat]

*copy-pasted from the Nigelco Herpaderp Facebook wall*

Dear Nigelco,
This thing is stupid. I can't get it to work. All it does is make me want to check my facebook more and look at stupid shit on YouTube. I get a 10% employee discount at Game Stop so I get all the newest shit for all three systems before you script-kiddies even wake up in the morning and scratch your ass on 4Chan. You obviously don't know how to put out a halfway decent end-product or I'm just too smart for your shit. I just wasted the last $60 of my $250 employee credit-line buying this shit and I'm gonna have to pay it off before I can put the new Limited Edition BlackOps 4-pack controller set on there...unless they suddenly decide to give me a $200 credit increase at work, which I highly DOUBT.

You guys are niggers. I want my fuckin' money back.

-Josh

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

*copy-pasted from the Nigelco Herpaderp Facebook wall*

Dear Nigelco,
This thing is stupid. I can't get it to work. All it does is make me want to check my facebook more and look at stupid shit on YouTube. I get a 10% employee discount at Game Stop so I get all the newest shit for all three systems before you script-kiddies even wake up in the morning and scratch your ass on 4Chan. You obviously don't know how to put out a halfway decent end-product or I'm just too smart for your shit. I just wasted the last $60 of my $250 employee credit-line buying this shit and I'm gonna have to pay it off before I can put the new Limited Edition BlackOps 4-pack controller set on there...unless they suddenly decide to give me a $200 credit increase at work, which I highly DOUBT.

You guys are niggers. I want my fuckin' money back.

-Josh

Brilliant.

And hi Vex!