Tangient spun from "important questions" thread. [psychoactive expernce warning]

[navkat]

I did not want to muck up the other thread with this since it so obviously hinges on some psychoactive elements and it has been clearly expressed elsewhere that the body politic doesnot wish to be subjected to people's "trip reports" against their will. Out of respect for your wshes, I started a separate thread. It is no less relevant to the "insanity" point in the other thread but this way, people are given the liberty to read and comment or NOT without it being an intrigal part of a discussion which they were previously enjoying.

True story:
Raving^TM unfucked my head in a lot of ways. Abridged version: Daddy beat the shit out of me, Mommy told me to my face I was imagining it. I had what I now see clearly as serious deficiencies being able to connect to and empathize with other people, including my own son. I went through the motions of what an excellent mother is expected to do: nurse as long as possible, baby-wearing, label-reading, developmental toy-buying, letter-to-the-manufacturer writing...I even grit my teeth and went to the local Methodist church and tried to force faith on myself for his sake because aside from shit I'd read in books and observations of seemingly happy families, I really had no clue about what a good mother actually does and feels.

Dumping a fuckton of serotonin onto my axons thereby, giving me an 8-hour reprieve from my intense, stick-in-the-ass anxiety/dissociation/anxiety/dissociation cycle was like a short-circuit to the broken record. Long ago I had slammed some lid closed on how I defined everything from "success" to "doing the right thing" to even my perception of my own perception process. In spite of my intelligence (or perhaps because of it) I might never have been able to process a thing like discordia without that reboot. It made be a more connected mom and a better person. I have a closeness now with my son that isn't based on personal reward that I might never have achieved otherwise. It did not wash me of all my flaws or erroneous thinking, but rather, it showed me proof in the most positive, objective light possble that mistakes were occurring.

I have also been in the grips of sickness...both in pre-use/abstinence from the stuff and horribly, while on it. Overuse has the frightening effect of revealing exactly what the beginning stages of your own age-related mental breakdown will really look like while you are still sharp enough to snap out of it when the effects wear off and examine how you thought and felt critically afterwards.

I am pretty certain I will have dementia when I am old. Aside from a wealth of predisposing factors (dopamine imbalance, fucking my head up with chemicals, hereditary madness on my father's side, memory loss on my mother's), I have seen firsthand the effects of chemically removing too much of my higher-order critical thinking skills from my central nervous system functioning. One day, I fully realize that my brain will shit the bed and I will be bathing in the resulting excrement unless I manage to convince another human being to love and commit to me long enough to respect and honor my wishes for an appointment with the offices of 2BR02B before I reach the point where I am pissing on the floor, flying into paranoid rages and curling up in the corner, checking my own head for nits for hours. This is just a fact.

The concept of "beautiful madness" never really appealed to me much because of my own dysfunctional youth, who my father is and the things with which this cursed family name are associated but now, the word "insane" has taken on a far more sinister shape...a ticking clock, perhaps? I can't let myself poison today with worry about 30 years from now but every time I experience muscle fasciclations...every time I suffer a bout of short-term memory loss or become a bit disoriented...or even have momentary deja vú, I wonder: "Is this the outer edge of the descent am I feeling the corner of the ledge here?" Presenting myself as "crazy" is possibly the furthest thing from my motives and I have worked hard to distinguish my irreparable-but-harmless "quirks" from the connotations of "psycho."

I'm not offended by anyone's use of anything, but I'd like to request that if you decide to label yourself as mad, please distinguish yourself as either thoroughly so or else admit that it's really a joke and you are joking (I do this myself. We all do, as in "you have to be nuts to be an EMT, lol!). Please do not try to twist or expand the true definition to subjctive limits which make foggy the line betwen the sick and the well. This is not the same as the "define normal" argument. This has specific consequences for adulterating the concept...like broadening the definition of "terrorism" to include 15 year old american boys, stealing episodes of "Cowboy BeBop."

Thank you.
>^..^<

[P3nT4gR4m]

This post fucking rules!

[navkat]

<3

[EK WAFFLR]

I'll echo P3nt.

navkat, you're one awesome lady!

[Don Coyote]

Thanks for sharing this Navkat. Part of the reason I have stayed away from pyschoactives is precisely because I am afraid of what lies beneath. I had some stuff going on during my childhood too. Stuff that I don't think was anywhere near as bad as yours but still I don't know. Try that out eh? Afraid of stuff I don't even know did or didn't happen because you may or may not be remembering things correctly or even at all.

And you are one of my favorite people on PD even if you don't always make sense.

[navkat]

Awww...shucks. 

I hear that. I used to advocate these things to others when I was in the throes of the novelty. Now I know much better. I neither advocate or condemn but rather tout the following message:

The choice to alter one's own perceptions is a deeply personal one and should not be taken lightly. While I believe all accumulation of life-experience, (including drug use, travel, volunteer work, sex and the arts) is inherently good for the "soul" and has the profound ability to help you to work yourself into becoming a broader, more aware, more fulfilled (and therefore more psychologically generous) human being, only YOU have been omnipresent in your own life and so you are the best one to judge that which you can handle and that which you can not.

DO YOUR RESEARCH. The government doesn't ALWAYS lie and Erowid, while technically factual and honest, doesn't ALWAYS present ALL of the truths. I have written trip reports for them over the years under assumed names and have had all but one accepted and published. The one they rejected? An equally well-written account 5 years after my first "zOMGTHISSTUFFISSOAWESOMEYAY" roll report expressing some fears and very real concerns about prmanent damage, including loss of word-recall, psychological addiction/discomfort avoidance, memory loss and a new pattern of mood self-regulation which, while not always negative (my frustration threshhold has improved, for instance), left me disoriented as to my own events--->thoughts--->mood process much the same as the child who does not yet know what will make her happy, sad, angry, etc. Read the studies AND the anecdotes and look for alternate sources.

Assess yourself. What are your motivations? If you answered "I think it'll be FUN," you're riding a brand-new, banana-yellow Honda Shadow 750. If your personal sanity:psychosis ratio checks out, enjoy the ride and don't forget to write. Any side-benefits are extras and are much more likely to happen if you don't have an agenda. If your motive is more like "Because I want to feel more at one with my cat/the universe/the tree in my backyard," seek help. Remember: there *is* a segment of the population that does end up on a crazy train...at LEAST of addiction or self-comprimise. It's gotta happen to SOMEbody. While the possibility of you literally "going nuts" is small, having a bad trip is possible and I've never heard of a drug-virgin waking up one day, saying "You know, I think i'd like to try some Heroin." If you assess yourself as the kind of person who can't open a bag of chips without eating the whole bag, don't open the chips. Move on. Go to Paris instead. You're missing SOMEthing but not EVERYthing. Not even a QUARTER of the things. Find another snack food, man. And that leads me to...

Set rules for yourself. If you haven't researched a chemical yet (or if you HAVE and already decided against it) changing your mind while you're chem'd up is the worst possible moment. O, it doesn't matter how good you feel. No, it doesn't matter that you THINK you're completely lucid and not really "fucked up." Are you on a chemical? Are you experiencing ANY altered mental status whatsoever? ANY? Then you are HIGH. Period. Yes, you are. No, don't argue with me, "just feeling good" IS high. Yes, it IS. DON'T MAKE MAJOR DECISIONS WHEN YOU ARE HIGH. That includes the choice to break up with your stuffy fiance who supported you though law school and run off to Canada with this cute, new rave-girl with the green hair, Elmo bacpack and the rainbow lollipop. TRUST ME ON THIS.

And if you start having ill effects that last beyond the duration of the drug, stop. If you planned for this to be a weekend thing and you're carrying over to Monday, a once-a-month thing that's happening only every weekend now, set a 2-pill limit for yourself and find yourself on your thid "bump-up," STOP. Yes, now. Yes, I realize you haven't had any problems or consequences yet. Stop. You're breaking your own rules.

And for fuck's sake, be careful. Don't be That Guy. You know who I mean; the one who eats a handful of skittles and ends up busting up the party when the Paramedics get there. The chick who heard you're supposed to stay hydrated and translated that good advice into death by hyponatremia secondary to overhydration. Death by Poland Spring. And yeah, nitrous chargers are not a replacement for O2, moron. First of all, yes, it's still a drug and secondly, you see all that black goo in the metal cracker? Where, pray tell, do you think THAT came from and do you really believe that's the only place it ends up? Take your mouth off the balloon and come up for room air occasionally, clown. No, they are not *harmless.* No, your pregnant girlfriend can NOT do them because "it's just a type of air." Don't make assumptions, look it up, idiot.

My 0.02.

[Placid Dingo]

Thanks Nav. Good stuff.

[NewSpag]

Yay my very first spinoff!  (Sorry I couldn't resist, yes I am an ass)

Also at the risk of sounding like everyone else who's posted so far: good stuff kat.  When I mentioned psychedelics I was talking more about Cubensis Mushrooms and Lysergic Acid but I think you gave some great advice here.

Also: the joke is up.  I'm not actually insane.  My apologies to anyone I offended.  However I will not change my name (if that is even possible)  because in my own extremely personal and subjective definition of insanity it is something that I seek.  I'm done rubbing my name in your faces so please keep an open mind on this.

Anyway sorry for making this about me, once again thanks for baring your soul to us.  Oh and if you wouldn't mind could you PM me the links to your trip reports if it isn't too much trouble?  Pretty, pretty please?  And I'm also interested in reading the report that got rejected.

[navkat]

Insanity,

While I appreciate your kind words and interest, I don't think making my anonymous writings regarding possible criminal activity (no matter how looong ago they were) un-anonymous is a wise idea. While the statute of limitations may be up, I have people to protect and a career path before me that means profoundly more than almost anything I have done or had up to this point. I hope you understand.

Your name doesn't offend me. It's just a word and words can only hurt if they're being used to deceive or coerce. Don't push the aforementioned issue with me and we're copacetic.

Thanks again for reading.
As always,
-navkat

[Don Coyote]

part of my own personal issue is due in part to atleast one instance in which i have recollection of it, and also in part to my biological father being bipolar, violently so when he andmy mom were together, up until age one or two. i appreciate stuff like your post navkat because it is imformational not evagaelical.

[navkat]

I aim to please! You aim too, please!

[Triple Zero]

Well then. I am not really insane! Whoooo